The X-rated Ensemble
I’d like to think that when I was ten years old, and Colt in his teens, we were like Cloak and Dagger. Our spy skills had only gotten better, and it was hard for our parents to be able to pull off any surprises during the holidays. During Thanksgiving, we’d concocted a plan that would really make a dent in the usual tradition of watching old family videos. Our grandparents, who were still living at the time, used to love recording us on one of those huge video cameras when they first came out. We’d all sit down outside the barn on arranged bails of hay and watch a whole reel, reminiscing. It was more for the adults. I had no interest in watching my father and uncle pulling a sled with a horse, because the land was so flat on the farm. Or seeing them open presents that we’d now deem as lame. For whatever reason back then, there was always a reason to cause a fuss. Our main goal was to drive the attention away from the monotony and bring laughter to the bunch, who usually ended up all in tears halfway through the show.
We masterminded a plan to commandeer the old video camera from the attic and make our own holiday themed comedy show.
We figured it had to be easy enough to load the film, but knew it was going to be more than a two man job. It’s a good thing this particular year happened to be one that Conner and Miranda were spending with us. Usually they’d do every other year, one with our family, and the other with their father’s parents. I think this might have been one of their last Christmases before he passed away. This memoir isn’t about sad times though. Just funny, and at the families request, holiday stories. So back to Miranda and Conner. Recruiting those two was like giving candy to a kid. They followed Colt around more than I did. Back in the day we hated having to play with Miranda. She was the only girl, and I think Conner was the only one of us who was okay with it, but it’s probably because he had to be. He was always trying to be cool anyway, doing stupid shit to get our attention. Like the time he swore he knew how to ice fish. He told us he’d gone on vacation to Canada with a friend and had quite an adventure. He said they’d been ice fishing and this moose came right up to them. Instead of running, like a normal person would do, they fed the moose a ham sandwich and after that he’d stuck around all day. When we asked where the pictures were, he told us the camera was frozen from the cold temperatures. I have to admit, he had us going until Miranda said it was all fabricated. We went along with it just to prove he was an idiot for trying to trick us. After the adults had gone to bed, we all snuck out to the frozen swimming hole. Without the guidance of our parents, we weren’t properly bundled for the frigid overnight temperatures either. With Miranda in tow, complaining the entire time, we drug Conner to the center of the pond and handed him a fishing rod and a long metal pole and told him to catch a fish. Colt and I knew we’d made a mistake the second Conner started banging that pole against the ice. The dark of the night in the winter is quiet. It doesn’t have the sounds of critters mating. The banging echoed off the nearby trees. As soon as it started Colt grabbed Miranda and we made a beeline for the grass. Conner’s scream was so loud we swore our parents would come looking for us. Luckily, the tall pines must have masked it from traveling. I can vividly recall the way the ice cracking sounded, and how his body plunged into the mucky water beneath it. Miranda immediately began to cry for her brother, while Colt used his quick thinking skills to come up with a solution to getting Conner out.
If it were deep he would have died or sure, or come close, but the water level in the pond gets real low in the winter months, especially without precipitation. Conner was standing chest deep, surrounded by so much ice he was unable to spare himself.
We found a shovel in a nearby shed we keep rods in. Colt extended it out so Conner was able to grab it and be pulled out. We carried his ass back to the farmhouse and into the heated barn, where we had to strip him down and cover him with all the blankets we could locate.
Everything would have been fine if Miranda hadn’t tattled. After that though, Conner stopped making up shit to look cool. I’d like to think he became our little bitch for all of our antics.
Back to the story…
The Colt and Ty’s Christmas Prank was going to be epic.
Miranda and Conner were not too thrilled about going up in the old attic. They complained about the cobwebs, so you can imagine the look on their faces when a bat came from out of one of the rafters and swooped around their screaming heads. “I’m outta here!” Miranda was the first to climb down the attic stairs. No, correction, I’m pretty sure she jumped out without hitting a single step.
Conner on the other hand, balled up in the corner until the bat found another nook to perch in.
Colt and I got to work searching through old boxes to find the ones with the video camera and tapes. “Found em’.”
Conner joined us as we scanned over the vast amount of labeled tapes. I picked one up and then grabbed another. “We need one that they’ve watched already so we can tape over it. There has to be fifty here.”
“Yeah, but some you can’t get rid of. Check it out, it’s your birth.”
Cringing, I grabbed the tape and started a pile of keepers. “Fine. Since that was the epic moment I came into this world we’ll make sure that one never gets erased.”
Colt said something under his breath, mumbling more while sifting through the box. “Here’s one from a 4H event.”
“Yeah, we can use that one.”
The sounds of voices are coming from below, sending me into a panic. If my parents find us up here playing around with their precious equipment we weren’t going to get shit for Christmas.
Scouring the attic, frantic for an excuse to be up here, I made a dash for the farthest corner to uncover old Christmas decorations. Colt followed my lead, speaking in a whisper. “What are we doing?”
Conner is peering down the open stairs to see who it is, while the two of us start digging through old stuff to come up with a good reason we’re where we aren’t supposed to be.
My mom’s voice is loud and threatening. “Tyler Mitchell, get your ass down here right this minute.”
“Stupid Randa,” Colt says under his breath. “She’s such a tattle pot. I’m going to cut her hair off while she sleeps.”
Chuckling, I find something I can use as my excuse. It’s an old train set that we used to put under the tree. I can’t remember the last time we used it or why we stopped. “I’ll be right down, Mom. I’m getting something.”
“What’re you thinking?” Colt asks.
“We’re going to tell them we’re using the train and doing our own Christmas scene with it. It’s mine anyway, so she won’t get mad about it.”
“Says the guy who looks scared shitless.”
Conner announces. “I’m going down now guys.”
“Whatever, chicken shit,” I say as he goes.
“How are we going to get the other stuff down without them seeing?”
Colt has a point. Mom is waiting for us to come down. She’s going to want an explanation. I give my cousin a once over and then myself. I’m wearing a hoodie sweatshirt, while Colt has on a flannel that buttons up. There’s no way he can hide something underneath.
I hand him the tape. “Put this in your pants. I’ll stick the camera in my hoodie and use part of the trains to make it look like that’s all I’m carrying.”
“If she searches you, we’re dead meat.”
“She won’t, dude. We got this.”
“I don’t know how I let you talk me into this. I’m the oldest so it will fall on me when we’re caught.”
Colt was right and I knew it. He may be the oldest, but I was always the plan maker. He was the muscle. Besides, Colt wasn’t that big of a guy until his mid teens. This particular year he was still scrawny and only a couple inches taller than me.
“Tyler, I’m not going to say it again!” Mom was becoming more agitated. She was asking Miranda what we were doing, and our cousin was stumbling on her words. “Get your butts down here now!”
I pointed toward a blanket that was covering a heap of gifts. They hid them some place different every single year as if it worked from keeping Santa a secret. We’d obviously known the truth for years and I’m sure by this point Colt had been told. He was in middle school. “They think we’re checking out the gifts.”
“Maybe we should say that’s what we’re doing.”
“No. They won’t suspect the movie. Trust me.”
“You’re just a kid. I’m an idiot for going along with this.” He hands me the tape. “Do this yourself. I’m out of here.”
I listen to Colt climb down the attic stairs, while shoving what I need down my pants and in my hoodie. “This is bullshit,” I mumble. To be honest, I don’t know why I said it. My mother had some kind of super hearing on her.
“Young man, get your ass down here right this minute! I’m going to go get your father.”
It was the one thing that always lit a fire under my ass. I could feel the recorder falling down in my underwear, but I kept moving, hoping the large oversized sweatshirt camouflaged it.
Mom takes me by the arm once I’m within reach. “Boy, I outta tan your hide.”
“I was looking for this,” I explain while holding up a part to the train set. “Colt and I wanted to set it up. Gosh, what’s the big deal?”
Her finger points right at me, only inches away from touching my face. “If I find out you were routing through those presents for the family, your ass is grass, got it?”
“Yeah.”
“Yeah?” She warns.
“Yes, ma’am. I get it.”
I’m not sure why it was so easy, but Mom let me go back out with my cousins. It wasn’t until we were in the barn, upstairs in the hay loft hidden, that I pulled everything out and spread it on the floor.
Colt shook his head and laughed. “Damn. I can’t believe you went through with it.”
“No help from you three. What the hell? I shouldn’t even let you be a part of the project.”
Miranda flipped her hair and rolled her eyes. “If you don’t let me, I’ll tell my mom what you’re really doing, Ty.”
“That’s why no one likes you,” I counter.
Conner starts to approach me to take up for his sister, but Colt holds his arm in the way and flashes him a look of disapproval. “Let’s just get this shit over with. I’m freezing my balls off and my girl wants me to call her tonight before we turn in. I don’t have time to be messing around with you three turds all night. Plus, I know your little asses are going to get us caught.” Colt was a player if I’ve ever seen one. He had all the girls on his jock. Again, my idol back then.
Keep in mind, I’m around ten years old. My school is constantly calling home because I can’t sit still and never stop talking. I got suspended for duct taping this kid to the sliding board on the playground. Another time, I got referral for slapping a female classmate on the ass to be funny. I also got caught French kissing at my locker in fifth grade and was written up for that. I’m not exactly a well behaved child, and my parents know it.
Colt was probably a terrible role model. He didn’t get in trouble as much, but I wanted to do what he did at his age, while being younger.
I suppose it’s a lot like the twins. When Colt and I were together there was bound to be the making for some big event that would result in a punishment of some kind.
Much like the way I looked up to Colt, Conner followed us around willingly. Miranda had no choice. She was either playing alone, or tagging along.
After slipping by my parents and organizing everything in the barn, we drew up an outline of our epic video.
This was before Jackass was ever a television show. I often wonder if they copied us and got rich off it. Assholes!
Our plan was to dress up in our Christmas clothing, which back then was mostly corduroy and flannel that was red and green in color, then do a couple kick ass stunts that would entertain and impress the family.
As an adult I can see how ridiculous this plan was, but we live and learn.
Colt insisted I go first because it was my idea. He figured out how to load the film in the old machine and get it to record while I planned the first scene.
The clip would be simple. Wearing a Santa hat, I was going to ride a hog, yes the dirty animal, through the pen for as long as I could. We had some huge hogs, so I figured it would be easy and not piss my dad off too much in the process.
Had I ever ridden a hog?
Once.
Did it go over well?
I was cleaning shit out of my ears for a week.
It’s another story for another time.
So here I am sitting on the hog’s back ready for Colt to tell me to go. Miranda and Conner have a trough of scraps and they’re steady calling the hog to come and get them.
All of a sudden it starts screaming and dashes for the food. I slip off within a second of sitting down and land in a huge puddle of muddy water.
That’s not the best part though. It’s not even about me.
Miranda was wearing a skirt and tights. Her hair was in two blonde pigtails. Conner got scared of the pig and let go of the trough. Miranda was cornered and suddenly tackled by this huge animal three times her size. All the hog wanted was the scraps, but it shoved the trough and Miranda down in the shit filled pen. She screamed and cried, but we were all laughing too hard to help her.
She ran into the house to tattle, so we went to the next location to hide and proceed with our flick.
The parents never came looking, and to this day Miranda swears she didn’t tell.
The next scene was of Colt. We were in the barn in the hayloft. We’d thrown all the blankets on the couch below and he was going to jump down on top of it.
I filmed while Conner stayed below watching. Colt dove down and landed on the couch, but it happened with a loud crack. Like slow motion, the back of the couch separated from the front.
We all rushed down and stood there staring. Then we butted a table up against it to keep it together and ran out of there as fast as we could.
Knowing we were really in deep shit, we decided to stay off farm animals and furniture.
We made Conner write Merry Christmas on the barn in dog crap. We recorded him puking. He still gags when we bring it up.
Colt recorded me singing while mooning the camera the whole time.
We lit a pile of trash on fire and ran around shirtless in the freezing cold.
Then we put Vaseline on the front door of the house and waited for people to try to open it.
We paid Conner five bucks to shit in the top of the toilet tank in the barn bathroom. Then pinky promised never to tell who did it.
We only showed the aftermath of the flush with a lot of laughter from the three of us.
Just as we were about to do another scene, we heard someone calling for us. We hadn’t even gotten a chance to watch it over.
It’s not like we expected to be Spielberg. We were kids for Christ sakes.
Fast forward to Christmas night. We’d just finished dinner and the adults retreated outside the barn to set up the projector. Colt volunteered to get the movie going. We slipped our movie in place of the one they’d picked to watch that year.
Then we sat back and eagerly awaited the reveal.
Ten seconds into the movie we knew we were going to be punished. I don’t know why, but my mom of all people convinced my Dad to let it play, probably because they wanted all the evidence before the smack down.
The upper decker finished it off, and as one of the adults hit the flood lights, the remainder of the original 4H video started to play.
Except it wasn’t a 4H video. It was a hardcore 1970’s porno. Imagine our surprise when naked women with full bushes and men with thick stashes were involved in a group orgy.
We only saw a minute of it before someone yanked the cord out of the wall.
We still don’t know what happened or who it was in the video. The kids were banished from the barn and went to bed.
If you ask me, I think it was my grandparents. Dad has never admitted it. I tried to find it when I was first married to show Miranda again, because she could barely remember. All traces of it existing are gone.
They are taking it to their graves.
Perverts!