Chapter 6
Jax
I needed a reason to cut out of there. That whole crew was cramping my style by turning our idea into something wholesome for everyone to enjoy. I wanted to stage a crash. It would have been cool to see the shock in the naughty kids eyes, and the innocent ones too. How dare they screw with my plans to torment the little kiddos? Now they’ll take the credit when it was me and Jake who came up with the plan first.
I’ll show them.
What I have up my sleeve is going to get everyone’s attention. Some quick thinking on my part will set everything into motion. Who needs them when I’m a basket full of fun all on my own?
It doesn’t help that they think I’m fat now. I’m not fat at all. I’m cuddly. I’m like a big kitten, who happens to enjoy snuggling up at night with another pussy.
Jake thought it was funny that my girls were scared of a Grinch mask we saw in the store during a pit stop in the RV on the way here. He kept putting it on and telling them that he was going to steal all the presents when Santa came. That’s where they got the idea of getting coal. They must have been talking about it to their cousins, because I heard them asking Uncle Colt if they were going to get coal for Christmas.
I tried to run this by Jake earlier, but he blew the idea off, saying that was taking it too far. Well, there’s no such thing as too far in my book. The more extreme the prank, the more likely they’ll never forget it.
It takes me a while to go through my wife’s luggage to find a pair black leggings. Just as I’m about to put them on, I spot something hanging from one of Reese and Jake’s bags. Much to my delight I discover something even better than dressing in all black. The holiday decorated leggings are plastered with Santa’s’, reindeer, and candy canes. I put on my black North Face and try on the mask. Satisfied it will do the job, I pull on the leggings, stretching them out to fit my thicker legs. Right away they itch against the hair. It makes me appreciate how often my wife shaves, but also understand it. If I had to wear these things every day I’d want to cut off my limbs.
I don’t keep the mask on while trekking through the property to search for a large burlap sack. I remember seeing one in the stables so head there first. I’m just about to walk out with the largest bag I’m able to find when I spot a shelf full of spray paint. One of them is labeled John Deere Green. The light bulb in my head suddenly pops on, giving me an even better idea for my kickass costume.
With no time to waste, I remove my jacket and start spraying my chest, arms and hands with the green paint. I’ll have to use gasoline to get it off later, but it will be worth it to look authentic. No one will suspect it’s me behind the mask.
The fumes are enough to get any person high, but I keep at it, spraying away until I realize I’ve gotten it all over the leggings. I use the remainder of the can to paint the rest of them. Now I look like a life-size Jolly Green Giant. Figuring I’ll be inside for most of the prank, I don’t worry too much about the frigid temperatures outside. I’ll run to the barn, steal the presents, make enough noise the kiddos take a peek, and then run back out. It’s simple. All I have to do is wait for everyone to settle down from the excitement of seeing Santa, and then I’m on it like a fly to shit.
I no sooner toss the can in the trash when I hear one of the horses causing a ruckus. Since most of the stables are insulated and warm, they attract mice and sometimes field rats trying to come in from the cold. Suspecting a critter is stealing the horses food, I walk over to calm the horse and chase away any unwanted critters, at least for the time being. I can’t have my family running in to check on the noise and spotting me.
The horse calms when I enter and begin rubbing it’s face to reassure it I’m friendly since I reek of paint and appear a different shade than the average human. I’m not sure what colors horses can see, but I obviously don’t look the norm. At first glance nothing is out of place. The timothy hay is in the trowel. The salt block is new and almost untouched. There’s nothing making a sound, so I begin to wonder if it’s only fussing because of me. Maybe it doesn’t appreciate the smell of spray paint. I’d done it far enough away that it wouldn’t cause the animals harm, but I’m sure they can still smell it.
As I’m walking out I get a whiff of something different though. My eyes fly open as panic strikes me. In the corner of the pasture, chewing on what appears to be a core to an apple, is a big furry skunk. It sees me as soon as I see it. Backing away as quick as I can, I fall back against a pile of straw near the door. The horse comes up off it’s two front feet and neighs loudly again. This does it for the skunk. I watch in horror as the little prick shoots it’s tail in the air and fires the most awful scent known to man directly at us. The horse begins bucking around, while the skunk stays in a defensive position. I’m gagging as I try to stand, hurling vomit as I shoo it back out of the crack it obviously came in from.
When I assume it’s gone, I catch the side of the wall and hold on as I spew more of last night’s dinner all over the ground at my feet. The pungent odor burns my eyes and there’s little I can do to alleviate the disturbance. This isn’t the first time I’ve encountered a skunk, and unfortunately, it’s a grueling process to get the smell out.
Amber is going to shit a brick for sure. There’s no telling how long she’ll force me to keep my distance. I know for a fact I won’t be getting any Christmas nookie this year. Hell, I’ll be lucky if she lets me sit with the adults at dinner.
It takes me a few minutes to stop throwing up. Even when I’m done, I’m dry heaving. It doesn’t help that I’m sticky from the drying paint on my body, and with my stomach churning it’s impossible to relax. The sooner I get this charade over with, the faster I can find cans of tomato juice and get this stink off of me. As for the horse, well he’s just going to have to suffer through it until Colt can have one of his workers take care of it. Besides, I’m pretty sure that smell is going to linger for months to come.
There’s no sense of creeping around when I exit the barn. With my bag in tow, and a can of black spray paint, I start collecting rocks. It’s not coal, but I need to improvise. The best solution is to spray them black and let the kids think it’s coal. They’ve never held the real stuff, so they’ll be easy to fool.
Even as I’m painting the rocks, I’m still heaving and sick to my stomach. I’ve never smelled anything so powerful in my life. It’s worse than the time I locked myself in my mom’s hope chest for a couple hours and shit my pants when no one was around to let me out.
The family has had plenty of time to clean up and head back to bed. While I know most of the children are still too excited to fall asleep, I step inside the barn where the massive Christmas tree sits and take in the amount of packages I need to either hide or carry outside. My bag of painted rocks is weighing me down, distracting me both from the frigid temperatures and the fact that I smell worse than a dead decaying body.
I can hear stirring from the loft above, so get to work quickly, moving larger boxes and hiding them behind the furniture. The small items I switch with the rocks, purposely piling them up like their on display under the tree. I’m almost done when I hear the first gasp.
“What’s that smell?” A child says from above.
Feet begin to shuffle around. I straighten the mask and let out a wicked snicker. With my voice changed to appear creepy, I give them a taste of what their about to discover. “I hit the jackpot tonight. Lots of presents for me and none for the kiddies.”
A light comes on behind me, and out of the corner of my eye I spot an adult sized figure. Then the patter of little feet coming down the stairs captures my full attention. I spin around and come face to face with a whole herd of the little monsters. “Hey, what are you doing with our presents?” My own son asks with a lisp he can’t seem to shake.
My brother is pinching his nose as he watches in shock. “What in the hell? Is that skunk? Is it a stink bomb?”
I ignore him and stay in character. “You’ve all been bad. You don’t deserve these presents. Enjoy your coal, and the smell of revenge.” I hang a quick left and dart for the door, presents banging against my back as I hold them tightly.
I touch the doorknob, only to have the thing fly open. My wife is standing on the other side, her nose covered by her own hands, her eyes squinting like their burning. “What in the hell, Jax? What have you done?”
Next thing I know I’m being taken down by a horde of very angry kids, who obviously think fighting me will get them their presents back. As they bring me to my knees a couple of them start gagging. Amber takes me by the hand and pulls me away from them. “Stop it, unless you want the smell to stay on you for weeks. Stay inside kids. Your presents are safe. I promise.”
In all honesty, I think I’m getting used to the smell. As more family members exit the barn, wearing only pajamas, they stare at me, gagging and wondering what the hell is going on. “Jax?” My sister cups her nose. “Is that you? What the hell smells like skunk? Did you do this? Take off that stupid mask.”
My brother comes out and shoves me. “Have you lost your damn mind?”
“I got sprayed by a skunk, dude. Chill the fuck out. Had I known it was in there I would have avoided it.”
“Where? And how in the hell are you green?”
“Were those my Christmas pants, Jax?” Reese asks from behind him. “You ruined my leggings, you asshole!”
Amber looks like she’s about to cry. “I can’t believe you would do this.”
“Baby, it was just a joke. You saw how much they hated the Grinch. I thought it would be funny.”
She points at me, as Christian, Callie, Ethan, Cammie, Addison, Cole, and Cassie come out from the barn. They’re saying something, all covering their noses to avoid the stench. I finally pull off the mask and toss it on the ground. “Okay, it was a bad joke. This isn’t how I planned it. I thought we could teach them a lesson. I was only going to hide the presents for a few minutes tops.”
“The whole barn smells like skunk now. It’s in our clothes already, Jax. The kids touched you. How in the hell are you still standing in it, and why are you green?” Bella asks.
“Was this a dare?” Reese questions. She turns to Jake, who looks just as furious as everyone else. “Did you tell him to do this? Is that why you two took so long earlier?”
“You’ve got to be kidding me. I draw the line at spray paint and skunks, babe. This was all Jax.”
“Don’t act like you’re innocent. You’ve done plenty.”
“I wanted to get out an old sleigh and play a joke on the kids saying Santa left it behind. I had nothing to do with you…” He motions with his hands toward me. “Doing all that to yourself.”
“In hindsight maybe I shouldn’t have done my whole body in the paint.”
“Jax,” he pauses to gag. I start to laugh, but refrain considering the trouble I’ve managed to cause. “You need to get out of here. Go find someplace outside to wash up, and pray to God that skunk spray isn’t flammable, because if you’re planning on getting the paint off with gasoline or something to that degree, you’re in for a hell of a burn. Oh, and if I were you I’d hurry up. There’s no telling when Mom and Dad will be back, or Uncle Colt for that matter. If you think we’re angry, he’s going to be furious.”
Amber points in the direction of a nearby chicken house. They’re heated and have hoses. She knows I can’t go in the RV or the barn to use the shower, not until the stench is managed. “Let’s go!” She orders.
While walking away I notice a bunch of kids standing near the exit, shivering, some even crying. My twin girls and little son aren’t pleased with what I’ve done. What I assumed would be a silly joke has turned into something I’m never going to be able to live down. It’s a catastrophe. I’ve single handedly ruined everything.
We’re halfway to the chicken house when I stop my wife from going any further. “I’m sorry about the smell, Amber. That part wasn’t planned, babe. Uncle Colt needs to do something about that skunk. The whole barn reeks.”
“Jax, it’s taking everything in me to walk beside you. I’ve never smelled something so rank, not even when the dogs came in after being sprayed. You repulse me right now.”
“Damn, so you don’t think I’m a little sexy as a green man?”
“If there was a giant pit of tar, I’d throw you in it. In fact, I may never forget the way you smell. You may have ruined our sex life forever.”
My eyes widen. “No way! Don’t say that. It’s like telling me I have to cut off my dick.”
“We’ll start with the hoses. Reese is going to look for as many cans of tomato sauce as she can find and hopefully your uncle has some spray he uses when the animals come home like this.”
A few moments later I’m standing with my arms spread letting her squirt me with a freezing cold hose. My teeth are chattering and I’ve ever felt more regretful in my entire life. “I think I have frostbite.”
Amber aims the stream at my genitals. It’s like a stabbing pain as the chill rips through the legging fabric. I hunch over, unable to take the agony. “You’re slowly killing me.”
“It serves you right. Scaring all those children with that stupid mask. When we’re done here I’m burning that ridiculous thing. As a matter of fact, I’m going to let the kids do it, if they’ve recovered from having their Christmas practically ruined.”
“I was only trying to be funny. I was thinking about them talking about it for years to come.”
She sighs, but keeps scrubbing the paint on the front of me. I’d enjoy it if she wasn’t tearing away layers of skin with the hard beads of ice cold water. To give it a rest, I push the hose away and start shoving the wet leggings down and kicking them off. From the waist down hasn’t suffered the same green fate as the rest of me. My bone white legs almost shine in the dim lit room. Amber remains silent, stewing in her own cocoon of anger, while random dry heaves continue to torture her.
When the door opens I spot Reese heading in our direction. She has a grocery bag full of cans. Jake follows behind her, a can opener in one hand, and his other holding his nose together. “We can find you from the smell, man. It’s terrible.”
“I’m doing my best. Not even the paint wants to come off.” Amber explains.
Jake pulls out a can of WD40 and begins to spray it all over the green parts of my body. Within seconds the paint begins to seep from my skin. I start rubbing it around, until everything is coated. Meanwhile, Reese opens all the cans of tomato sauce and starts handing them to Amber.
When our eyes meet I know better than to say something smart about her rubbing it in. If her eyes could light up red right now they would be glowing. I’m in the dog house.
Amber and Reese wait for Jake to rinse off the paint before they douse me in the red sauce. It gets to the point where I’m so freezing I collapse to the ground. I’m shaking, my teeth feeling like they’re about to crack from chattering together. “Stop!” I order. “I can’t take it anymore.”
Jake unzips his pants, and I think it’s because he’s layered and wants to offer me something to put on, but what he does next shocks us all. A warm, or what feels like hot piss comes at me, and I’m unable to dart out of the way in time. “What the fuck, man?”
“I’m peeing on you. I heard if you pee on it the smell goes away.”
“That’s a fucking jellyfish you nimrod. Now I’m covered in piss. If I wasn’t so damn cold I’d kick your ass right now.”
Jake is beside himself, while the girls follow in his amusement all at my expense. “You all suck balls. You deserve to smell like me. Who the hell pisses on their own brother?”
“I was trying to help.” My brother is officially out of my will. I’m going to shit in his bed when we get home. I don’t care if I have to break in his house to do it.
Amber sprays me again with an ornery smile flashed across her face. I hold my tongue, because I know better. I need her to get over this sooner than later.
The door opens and I see my sister coming in. She’s carrying a blanket. “You can use the tub in one of the old work trailers. I already have Rusty running over with more tomato sauce and some juice we found at the main house. Noah thinks he has some shampoo that he used for the dogs before. He went home to look for it.”
I shoot Amber a vengeful glare. “At least someone cares about me freezing to death, covered in piss.”
She takes the hose and sprays it at me again. “Don’t talk, Jax. Just because your sister feels sorry for you doesn’t mean she’s not as angry. Her kids have to suffer now too.”
“Suffer? It’s over with.”
Bella corrects me. “Sorry, little brother, but you’re wrong about that. You’re little prank has caused everyone to have to move out of the barn. That smell spreads quickly. It will be weeks before they can clear it out of there. All of our clothes, presents and luggage stink of skunk now. The tree has to be trashed. We may as well open the presents outside and give them to the kids without paper, because they’ll stink if we don’t.”
“So this isn’t about me being the Grinch? It’s about what the skunk did to me?”
Bella slaps me across the back of my head. “You idiot, if you weren’t doing something sneaky you wouldn’t have gotten sprayed. It serves you right. You deserve this. I hope you smell for months. Don’t even think about bringing that mess to my house when we get home.”
“Damn. Is everyone pissed at me?”
“Pretty much,” Jake answers.
I clap my hands together and manage a smile, even though I do feel shitty about the whole skunk thing. “I’m going down in Mitchell history now. Woohoo! My work here is done. I’m Mitchell famous.”
“For stinking maybe,” Reese offers. “I’m out of here. He doesn’t deserve our help. Let him fix this mess himself, since it’s all fun and games.”
The hose drops. The cans of tomato sauce left on the ground. My family abandons me in my time of celebration. I call out to them anyway. “At least I can laugh. It’s pretty funny if you think about it. Our kids will tell their kids. It will go in the Christmas book.”
Alone, and freezing, with only a pair of boots and a small blanket, I gather what I’m able and regrettably head to the empty trailer where my furious loved ones have shunned me.
They’ll get over this in no time, or at least I hope they will. It’s not like I set a fire or wrecked a tractor. So what if I stink? Not only did the kids get to see Santa in action, but they got a good laugh in, or will eventually. It’s the best I could do in short notice. At least the fake coal doesn’t smell, or at least I hope it doesn’t, because I’m pretty sure it’s the only present I’m going to get this year.
Rusty is waiting at the trailer when I finally make it there. The smell of the heat being turned on fills my nostrils, making me forget I stink to high Heaven, at least for a few seconds. Rusty gets a quick whiff and covers his nose. “Damn, that skunk got you good.”
“You’re a vet. I’m sure you’ve smelled worse.”
“I don’t know. You’re pretty rank.”
I spot the empty cans on the table and hear the water running in the bathroom. “It the tub hot?”
“Yeah, why?”
I drop the blanket, not caring if my brother-in-law sees my ass. “I’m about to die of frostbite, that’s why.”
“You’ll need to soak for a while. Your cousin brought some shampoo by. I sell it at my clinic. It’s good stuff. Lather it up and let it sit.”
“Thanks, Doc. I think I’ve got it under control now.”
“All right then, Jax. Smell you later.”
I shake my head at his comment. It’s appropriate I suppose.
Nothing feels better than putting my frozen body into a hot tub full of watered down tomato juice. After I’ve lathered the weird textured shampoo into my hair, I lay my head back and close my eyes. Eventually I’ll stop stinking. For now I’m going to enjoy the peace and quiet that comes with being shunned from the rest of the family.