An Ass Whooping for Christmas
The tradition of spending the holidays together has been going on since before we were born. One year, after spending Thanksgiving in North Carolina, my parents drove us to Kentucky for Christmas at the Mitchell Ranch. Back then it was only the main house and two barns. They wouldn’t begin to expand for a few more years.
I’m thinking I might’ve been five or six. At the time, Colt was everything. I wanted to be just like him. When I was little, it wasn’t about being better than him, I just wanted to be everything he was, and own all the cool stuff he had. His parents had more money than mine. We all got spoiled at Christmas but, he always got quite a bit more than I did.
It didn’t stop me from following him around and doing anything he asked me to do even when I knew I probably shouldn’t have been doing it. I won’t say Colt was a bully. He didn’t force me to do things. He didn’t have to. Because he was my idol, I did it without much thought, all for him to think I was just as cool.
I’ll never forget this particular Christmas. The women had all gone off to do some last-minute shopping. The men we’re doing some work on the farm to decorate, leaving Colt to babysit me. His housekeeper Lucy was baking and supposedly keeping an eye on us. To this day I still sort of blame her for what unfolded.
Since Colt was so popular, it wasn’t unusual for his friends to stop by. There was this one kid named Toby who I always thought acted like a total dick. He would brag about shit that we knew was a lie, all to impress my cousin.
On this particular occasion, he had come over and Colt wasn’t too thrilled that I was tagging along. They wanted to take the horses out but weren’t allowed because I was there. Colt called me names to make him look like I was just his stupid cousin, a little nuisance to him, because he didn’t want to seem uncool in front of his friend.
Toby coaxed him into the barn where they proceeded to mess around with the horses against his father’s wishes. They tried to lose me on the way, telling me to get off of the golf cart because there was a really cool puppy in the woods that they wanted me to catch for them. They kept pointing in one direction of thick brush. “Do you hear that?” Toby would ask Colt. “It’s coming from over there.”
Colt agreed with him. “Oh yeah. The other day we heard it too. A dog must have had puppies and abandoned them.”
“It sounds like there’s just one.”
Colt pretended to listen closely. “Damn you’re right. I bet it’s lost. Ty, go over there and see if you can catch it.”
I wanted to be cool and impress them, so I hopped off the golf cart and hurried into the thicket. The golf cart pulled away while I was desperately searching and calling out for the pup that didn’t exist. All of my efforts were exhausted. Sad and thinking they’d be disappointed, I turned to discover they’d left me on the other side of the farm, alone, and afraid.
I know now that I wasn’t in any danger, but back then was terrifying. I was still within a close proximity to the mansion, but far enough away that Lucy couldn’t see me.
Since I’d overheard them discussing going horseback riding, I ran my little ass toward the barn where I heard them inside shooting the shit. They were cussing, and carrying on about ditching me.
Little did they know then that I was a lot smarter than they suspected. Dad used to say I was too smart for my own good. I’d ridden plenty of times with my parents, so I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t allowed to go. Sure, there was no parents, but Colt was supposed to be watching out for me.
I watched them gathering the saddles and putting the blankets on the horses before I made my presence known. “Thought you could get rid of me?” I exclaimed while blocking the barn doorway. “There was no dog. You’re mean. I’m telling my dad.”
Colt came running toward me. “Hang on little cuz. I’m sorry. We were just messing around.”
“Man, he’s not coming with us,” Toby announced.
“Ty, you might be too young to go with us.”
“I’m not too young. I ride with my dad and mom.”
“This is different. You could get hurt.”
Colt wasn’t convincing me. “I want to go too. They said you have to play with me.”
“My parents did say that,” Colt admitted.
Toby took him by the shoulder and pulled him aside. They spoke low so I was unable to hear what was being said. When they returned they were both smiling.
Colt did the talking. “You want to hang out with us?”
“Yes,” I excitedly replied.
“Okay, well first you have to pass a test.”
I didn’t really understand a test but I agreed because they were giving me a chance. “Okay.”
“You have to do two things,” Toby announces.
Colt nodded. “Yeah two things. First, you have to go over to the chickens and catch one barehanded.”
Keep in mind I’m five or six. I’m wearing a snowsuit with a pair of freaking mittens hooked to the wrist of my puffy coat. My hat is knitted with a giant ball on the end of it. I only remember it, because a photo was taken of me later in the day after this event unfolded.
Anyway, catching a damn chicken dressed like Ralphie’s brother in a Christmas Story was going to be damn near impossible. I wasn’t wise enough to take off the coat. Instead I marched into the coop and waited for them to watch. At first I thought it would be easy. I attempted to jump on top of a hen to trap her beneath me.
Well that only pissed the chicken off. Suddenly they started pecking at my feet and legs. I was screaming and running out. Tears were streaming down my face and I’m sure there was snot apparent.
Colt and Toby laughed and joked at my failed attempt. This made me cry, but instead of giving up, I went back in and tried again. If it weren’t for those stupid attached mittens I wouldn’t have been successful. I swung my arm around and caught the mitten rope in between a couple hind feathers. From there I was able to swoop my arm in and hold onto the chicken.
Staring in disbelief that little me was able to accomplish the first task, they once again conversed on a better second test for me to attempt.
Colt clapped his hands together as he delivered the next task. “Good job little man. All you have to do now is ride Dixie to the end of the fence without falling off.”
My eyes must have doubled in size. Dixie was this jerk of a mule. She bit and kicked anything near her. My parents had made it clear I wasn’t to get close to her for any reason. Now Colt was telling me I had to ride her. As if that wasn’t enough, I was soon to discover it would be much worse.
“Okay. If I can ride her I can go with you, Colt?”
“Yeah, Buddy. You sure can.”
“All right.”
“This is going to be good,” I heard Toby claim.
Colt led me over to Dixie and helped me climb up on the fence. “I’m going to sit you on her back.”
“But where’s her saddle?”
“Oh, none fit her,” he lied.
Now I was scared. They say children are fearless, but I knew this wasn’t right. Still, I had to impress Colt, my idol.
Petrified, I watched in horror as Colt held out his arms. “Come on. I’ll get you mounted.”
Do you see where this is going?
“Now hold onto her mane and keep your knees tight against her. You can do it.”
“Yeah right!” I heard Toby say.
Dixie wasn’t thrilled. The moment I sat down with my legs on either side of her, was the second I knew I was going to die.
My cousin I trusted, my best friend, the person I wanted to grow up and be like, slapped that mule on the ass causing her to take off.
Grabbing her mane to remain on top, she began to buck and gallop around.
I’m honestly surprised I lasted a couple seconds before falling off onto the cold ground.
As the pain ripped through me, my tears flooded out. I’d fallen off a mule, it was cold and icy. My body ached. Not even my snow suit helped cushion the fall.
Then I saw my life flash before me.
Dixie has caused the other horses to spook. One of them was coming right for me and the damn suit wouldn’t allow me to react fast enough. I heard Colt scream and place his hands over his eyes, then I watched as if it was slow motion, another horse coming from the opposite direction, deterring the one headed to run me over. It jumped over me, it’s feet inches from my face.
That horse saved me. I swear it to this day. I would have been trampled to death if not for it coming to my rescue.
But my story isn’t over. Colt, the one who everyone admires, knew he was in deep shit. By this time I’m hysterical, wet and covering in mud. Colt and Toby panicked. They mounted two horses and took off before I could run and tell.
By the time I’d walked back to the mansion and found Lucy, I was worse for wear. It didn’t take long for the men to come in and hear all about my brush with death.
I still don’t remember my uncle ever being so mad at Colt.
The women returned and still no Colt. Toby’s Mom came to get him, and they hadn’t returned.
It wasn’t until my tears were dried up. I’d been given a hot bubble bath to warm up and clean the mud off my face. They’d pampered me with hugs and kisses. They’d even filled my belly with extra sweets.
Then Colt and Toby returned.
I didn’t actually see it happen, but I heard the whooping. We all did. Colt got the belt.
He cried like a little baby. Toby’s Mom drug him out of the house by his hair.
Both were forced to apologize to me and my parents.
I was treated like a prince that year. Santa brought me extra gifts.
Colt got his toys taken away for two weeks. After that, he never treated me bad again. In fact, I think it scared him more than it did me. I’m the only person who saw his face when he thought I was a goner. He was scared and sorry.
That day changed our relationship. It was that Christmas holiday where we bonded and he let be his buddy for real.
It was the start of our bond that will never be broken. At least now I can laugh about the time he tried to kill me. He still doesn’t think it’s that funny.