God and the Christmas Lights
When the twins were four we went all out decorating the house for Christmas. We’d raided my parents attic and went to every second hand store in the area to reenact the Griswald house from the movie.
This was also the year that the movie played twenty-four seven from November 30th - December 25th. I happen to know every word of that movie without it being on. I’m not sure if I love the movie or wish it was never made.
At any rate, we were obsessed with it this particular year. You’re thinking it was inappropriate for us to let our four year olds watch it, but it’s nothing they hadn’t seen or heard before. Besides, it’s for Christmas. Where else can you get your kids to learn the Star Spangled Banner without them knowing it? Thanks Aunt Grace. And also thanks for wrapping up and regifting your cat.
Anywhoo, with the help of Conner, we were on a mission to cover every inch of interior and exterior with hideous multi-colored lights. We were looking for that wow factor.
It actually started as a challenge. Colt said we couldn’t do it, so of course we aimed to prove him wrong.
You’d think the hanging of the lights would be the toughest part. Nope. First we had to untangle the damn hundreds of lines of lights. Miranda, Amy, Izzy, and me and Conner sat each night for a week untangling those damn pieces of shits. Never again!
In order to keep them untangled, we hung them from the loft in the barn in strands. One by one, we’d grab a line and hang it, then move onto the next.
After the first hour we’d barely made progress and Conner was ready to throw in the towel.
“I quit!” Conner proceeded to climb down the ladder and leave me on the roof to do the job alone.
“Come on, bro. Don’t quit. You want your kids to think you’re a pussy ass quitter?”
I’m peer down at the ground where he remained looking up at me.
“It’s cold as shit. I’m freezing my balls off. There’s a pot of chili calling my name and a deer stand waiting to be sat in.”
“You have plenty of daylight for that. This is going to be epic.”
One thing you need to know about me is that everything has to be “EPIC”. Anything else is just satisfactory.
“Do you know what Colt will say when he hears you copped out of the challenge?”
“Screw Colt. I’m too old for this stupid shit.”
Standing on the roof, I spread my arms wide like an eagle in flight. “Noooo! Blasphemy!”
He shoos me and walks away toward his home.
I keep at it until lunch. Just as I’m about to go back on the roof, Conner reappears. Amy is walking beside him with a stroller. “You came back?” I call from the ladder.
“I made him,” Amy admits. “He was napping on the couch.”
“Dickhead!”
Conner mumbles something while climbing the ladder to get back to work.
It took us three days to get the job done. Over three hundred strands of lights. We had to use the breaker from the barn to power them because it was pulling too much from the house. But it was glorious!
Just like the movie the family came out to bask in its beauty. Well some of us. Dad and Mom bitched about the utility bill. He cussed me out and went back inside of his house yelling about it keeping him awake at night and how I amounted to exactly what he thought I would. He was just jealous I accomplished it.
Even though we were using the electric from the barn, the power to the farm kept acting up. The lights inside would flicker. If we used the microwave the same time my parents used theirs in their house the main breaker to the farm would blow.
Dad bitched and bitched, but I kept turning on those lights at night.
Back to the twins. I wouldn’t have mentioned them if they weren’t a part of this memory. People question why I do some of the things I do, and most of the time it’s for family, but my kids are a whole other level of craziness. I need to be the hero, no matter what I have to do to make it happen.
So when my dad tried to sabotage my hard work, it’s only fair I get even.
After the first couple days my dad got a hair up his ass and started turning off the main breaker to make me think the lights were the culprit. He’d come in and swear up and down it was my fault. “Didn’t I tell you? Big mistake. You’re going to fry the lines.”
It took me a day to figure out it’d been him doing it and then I set out to call him on it.
The next night I flipped on the lights and the world around us illuminated. After I turned off my bedroom lamps, I peered out the window and watched the old man go out to the barn and flip the breaker. Instead of rushing out to fix it, we lit candles and ate in the dark.
Jax asked, “Dad, how come the lights don’t work?”
“Poppy didn’t pay the electric bill to the farm. Now Santa won’t be able to see our house.”
Jake jumped up from the table and ran to his room. He came back with his piggy bank and dumped it on the dinner table. Change was rolling everywhere, even in his Hamburger Helper.
“Son, what are you doing?”
“I’ve got money. I’ll pay the bill.”
Next thing I know Jax is leaving and coming back with his bank. Before Miranda could stop him, more loose change was thrown across the table. “I’ll help too.”
Miranda looks to me like I’m supposed to fix this.
“Guys, that’s real nice of you. I’m sure the lights will be back on in no time. Finish your dinners and go get in the tub.”
My wife didn’t speak to me until later that night in bed. “I can’t believe you let the boys think they had to use their own money to get the lights back on.”
Leaning on my side, I smile with one of my famous grins. “Hear me out, baby. Dad’s being a baby. He doesn’t even pay that bill anymore. You don’t find it a little funny that the boys will be mad at him?”
“You’re not setting a good example.”
We both laughed at her comment.
“I’m a good dad. Admit it.”
Pulling her body close to mine, I planted a wet kiss over her lips. “Admit it.”
“You are. Using them to get back at the guy isn’t nice though.”
“They don’t know that’s what’s happening.”
“Just make sure it stays that way.”
“I promise. One good laugh and then it’s over, agreed?”
“Agreed.”
Telling Dad the twins paid the bill was hysterical. Since he’d been the culprit, it only made his dilemma worse. Now he felt guilty for lying.
If that wasn’t funny enough, we attended Christmas mass with the whole family. It was the candlelight service, so a couple minutes later they turned off the lights and began passing around the candles.
In the silence of the moment Jax yelled up to the preacher. “God forgot to pay the electric bill.”