CHAPTER 9

Renner

I check my watch as I walk to The Hibernian and see that I'm going to be my usual fifteen minutes early. So much for living life on the wild side.

But who needs the wild side anyway? There are benefits to having order, and surprises are way too stressful. There's not anything lacking from my life, I'm sure of it.

However, if that's true, then why can't I get Cillian's last words out of my head?

He told me that I had received something from our exchange the other night. I mentally calculate the list of emotions that ran through me. Anger, frustration, hurt, sorrow. That list just doesn't seem to be what I need. I've had plenty of that in the not-so-distant past.

There were other things that happened to me. Pleasure, beyond pleasure. That almost outweighed the bad, but not quite. Besides, I'm confident that's not what Cillian was talking about. He's arrogant, for sure, but he's confident enough in himself that he wouldn't need to point that out.

No, it's something more. And I feel like I should know what it is, yet it's just beyond my reach.

Without thinking twice about it, I pull my phone out of my purse and dial my mom. She answers almost immediately.

"Renner, baby! How are you?"

My heart swells and expands, just hearing her voice. Nora Caldwell is my light among lights. Even though I was a daddy's girl growing up, my mom and I developed a closeness these last few years that surpassed the bond I have with my dad.

"I'm fine. Dublin's great. Everything's great. How are you and Daddy?"

"We're just fine, honey. Your dad and Flynn are outside trying to fix the lawn mower. You should hear the curses coming out of their mouths."

I grin, thinking about those two Caldwell men trying to fix something. I know, without a doubt, they'll tinker with it for about an hour before they give up and call a repairman. Still, I have to admire their tenacity.

"They'll be so glad to hear from you," she says.

"Actually, I don't have much time. My shift starts soon. I just wanted to hear your voice."

"Is something wrong, Ren?"

I swallow hard. Do I lie to her or do I seek her advice?

Advice, definitely. It's always been good.

"Actually...I'm just feeling like something is lacking in my life, but for the life of me, I can't figure out what it is."

"Is this because of Cormac?" Just hearing his name tightens my stomach, and the extra disdain in her voice just reinforces my shame over what happened to me. "Because if it is... you did absolutely nothing wrong, Renner. What happened is his shame, not yours."

Holy hell, my mom freaks me out sometimes. It's like she can read my mind. She and Cady are the only ones that know the true story about what happened with Cormac and she’s not a fan of his.

"No, it's not exactly about Cormac. It's just... well, something happened to me the other night and it just got me thinking."

"You know I can't help you unless you spell it out for me. So dish."

Smiling, I take a deep breath and tell her everything about Cillian, from the moment we met five years ago, until the minute he walked out of my apartment almost three days ago. I gloss over the sexy details, but I give her enough so she can get a clear picture of what he's doing to my insides.

"So, he says I got something out of that exchange. He makes it sound like he did me a favor when he just ran roughshod over me. And he drives me crazy, Mom. He's arrogant, bossy, stubborn, and mean-tempered."

My mom laughs with delight. "He's Irish, Renner. Get used to it. That's not going to change."

I've made it to The Hibernian and glancing at my watch, I see I'm exactly on time. Fifteen minutes early. I squash the compulsion to hang up with my mom so I can get inside.

"So what did I get out of it, oh Wise One?"

"Let me ask you this, Renner... why didn't you just push him away and kick him out of your apartment? Why did you let him kiss you? And be honest with me."

I think about it and the answer is immediate, if not a little embarrassing. But there's no holding back now, particularly if my mom is on to something. "Because it was thrilling and dangerous and new. And I had to know what came next."

"Hmmmm."

"What 'hmmmm'?

"For someone that lives her life in such an orderly and planned fashion, that sure sounds pretty spontaneous to me. Sounds like you gave up control just a bit. How'd it feel?"

"It was amazing," I admit. "Up until the time he started talking, then it went rapidly downhill."

My mom laughs and it is bright and cheerful, and I can tell she takes true delight in my discovery, as well as my frustration over the situation. I know this because she is a big believer that change is good and she often believes that if you're not stumbling just a bit in your endeavors, you're really not learning very much. "Well, it sounds like you've figured out your mystery. If I had to take a guess, that young man is causing you to live a little outside of our comfort zone. I think that's a good thing for you, baby-girl."

"Maybe," I tell her noncommittally. I give her my love, ask her to pass it on to Dad and Flynn, and then hang up.

I don't know what to make of this newfound discovery. So I suppose I took a chance and let go of some control. I guess I was spontaneous. And I even believe that those things are very good for me.

But none of that meant that Cillian O'Bradaigh is good for me, now did it?

***

The dinner crowd is starting to thin out a bit but it's still not been too bad tonight. Pulling my phone out of my pocket, I check it for texts.

Yes, it's become my habit to to check my phone a few times a day, because I know I can count on receiving at least one, if not more, from Cormac.

I think I may have screwed up royally where he's concerned. After receiving that first text, I didn't respond. I had decided it was best to just let this one go. But he persisted, and after receiving three more, I returned one and asked him to stop. He was quiet for all of about twelve hours, and then he hit me below the belt.

He started telling me he and his wife were getting a divorce. He offered to move to the States to be with me, that we could get married, buy a house together, and have children. He was offering me my ideal life. And it made me curious.

So I replied. I merely told him that I thought it was a little too late for those things. He texted me back right away.

There's always time for forgiveness and starting over.

Was there? Could I forgive his betrayal of me? Could I even trust him again? The answer was probably no to all of those questions, but it didn't stop me from engaging him in further text conversation.

The thing that bothered me the most was that he and his wife were divorcing. I never had the courage to ask him the details, but my gut instinct said that she left him. Which makes it seem to me that he was probably moving in for his second choice. I clearly couldn’t see him having the courage to stand up to her...to tell her he was choosing me over her. He had the opportunity to do that when all of this came out in the open, and instead he lied about our relationship, made false accusations against me...all in an effort to save his marriage.

No, I’m pretty sure she didn’t buy his crap either and she ended it with him. Now he’s feeling alone and wants to bring me back into the fold so his battered ego can be soothed.

Now I’m regretting the fact I even engaged in conversation with him. Because the more he texted, the more grandiose his plans seemed to be. It was now making me feel uneasy, and I stopped responding as of yesterday.

Glancing at my phone now, I see he's sent another one.

I believe that you and I are meant to be together. Please don't let my mistake cause both of us to be unhappy.

Yeah...not going to respond to that one either. It's my hope that he'll get tired and eventually leave me alone.

"Hey, Ren. You got two hungry customers here. Shake a leg."

I glance up, looking for Cady, because it’s her voice calling out to me. She's standing at the end of the bar, wearing a pale yellow sundress with strappy sandals. And standing right next to her is none other than Cillian. Their arms are linked together.

My mouth goes dry at the sight of him and I hate the fact that my pulse is thrumming rapidly. How can just looking at him cause my body to physically react like that?

"What are you doing here?" My voice comes out gritty, as if someone scrubbed my throat with sandpaper.

Cady shoots me a cheerful grin. "Cillian invited me out to dinner. He suggested we come here... so, here we are. Can we sit in your section?"

I just nod at her and wave her over to a table, muttering I would be with them in a second. I can't help but notice that Cillian guides Cady over to a table, keeping his hand on her lower back. He pulls out the chair for her, and they both sit down.

Did I miss something? When did Cady become interested in Cillian? Because if she is, then I feel horrid for kissing him. I would never have stepped in on her territory if I knew that. What's even worse is that Cillian could so easily move on. But really, it's what he did five years ago when he couldn't have what he wanted. Why should it be any different now?

Stiffening my spine and putting a smile on my face that I hope didn't reflect the insincerity I was feeling, I walk over to their table. Their heads are bent close together and they're laughing.

"What do you two want to drink tonight? We have Guinness on special for four Euro."

They break apart at my words and Cady flashes me a grin. "Hey, Renner. Cillian has invited us to go with him to see this really great band playing this weekend at O'Shea's. Won't that be fun?"

I try to return her smile, but I know it's lame. "I'm sorry. I can't... gotta work."

"No, you don't. I already asked Da if you could switch shifts so you could go and he said that was fine."

I sneak a quick glance at Cillian, who is now leaning back in his chair and watching me intently. I look back to Cady. "I don't think so. It's really not my thing."

"What do you mean it's not your thing? You love going to listen to music." Her eyes narrow at me, as if she's daring me to contradict her.

"I'm sorry. I'm just not feeling into it. But you two will have a great time, I'm sure. Now, what do you want to drink?"

Cady stands up from the table so abruptly, it startles me. She tells Cillian, "We'll be back in just a second."

She grabs my arm and hauls me off. I flick a backward glance at Cillian, who has a smackable smirk on his face.

Cady drags me to the back storeroom, which is always empty since we stock the coolers twice a day. Shutting the door behind us, she turns to me and glares. "What's up with you?"

"What do you mean?" I pick at my nails in a display of casual disinterest.

"I mean, why the brush off? You love going out, you love me, and you love music. Why would you say no?"

Sighing, I lean back against the door. "I don't want to be a third wheel with you and Cillian. And it wouldn't hurt to tell your cousin you have an interest in him. Since when do you hide things from me?" My words come out a little more forceful than I meant, but part of me is already sad that this fling with Cillian is most assuredly over.

Cady stares at me for maybe five seconds, then she throws her head back, clutches her stomach, and starts laughing like a maniac. She even doubles over, she's laughing so hard and when she straightens back up, she has tears running out of her eyes.

"What's so funny?" I demand.

"You thought I had an interest in Cillian?" She's still snickering and I almost pinch her in the arm to get her to stop.

"Well, don't you?"

"God, no! He's like an older brother to me. That's super gross."

"But you said he invited you to dinner. And you looked pretty chummy with him."

Cady takes a step forward and pops me on the forehead.

"Ow," I grumble.

"You're an eejit, Renner. Why wouldn't I accept his dinner invitation? He's my friend. And... we're affectionate. Always have been. But again, he's like a brother."

"Oh," is all I can say, and I make busy with looking at my tennis shoes, embarrassed at my reaction.

"So, you'll come with us Saturday night?"

I look up at her, and her eyes are shining with excitement. "Are you sure Cillian really wants me there?"

"Absolutely. In fact, he invited you specifically. Well, he invited you, me, and Teagan, but he specifically mentioned your name."

I hesitate for just a moment, wondering if this is really a good idea. I mean... it could be awkward with Cillian, and I'm a little afraid to be around him. I have no clue what his feelings or intentions are, and it makes me nervous wondering.

But then I say to myself, why not? Why not be spontaneous and just say yes, and worry about all that other stuff later.

"Okay. Sure. I'll come."

Cady squeals and gives me a bone-crushing hug.

All I can think to myself is, Cillian has created a spontaneity monster in me.