CHAPTER 15

Renner

I'm pacing my apartment, sick with worry and dread.

When I saw Maeve standing there, I immediately recognized her as the woman that had been hanging on him that first night in The Hibernian when I had helped Maureen bring the beers in. I had thought her a groupie and never gave her a second thought.

But I'm thinking about her now, and the way she had stared at me malevolently when we had come off the elevators. The woman hated me, on sight... of that I have no doubt.

The things she said to Cillian... they smacked of jealousy. She had been angry that he had not been at home last night and she was angry I walked off that elevator with him. I have to wonder what gives her the right to feel that way. The only answer that comes to mind is that she and Cillian have something going on. Which immediately makes me think that Cillian was fucking around with me behind Maeve's back, while she was off stuck in rehab.

But no... that just doesn't seem Cillian's style. I mean, in hindsight, after I found out Cormac was married, I could totally see him doing something like that. Because I came to recognize his grandiose and narcissistic qualities.

Cillian's not like that. Oh, he's arrogant and has an ego the size of Texas, but he's also confident enough in himself that he would be up front about it. He's say it right to my face..."Renner, I want to fuck you, but I'm fucking someone else too."

I have to give Cillian the benefit of the doubt right now, or until he proves to me otherwise.

The trail I'm wearing in my carpet is given a break when there's a knock on my door. Running over to it, I throw it open, knowing that Cillian's on the other side. I know this because the only other person that comes to my apartment unannounced is Cady and she'd just let herself in with her key.

He looks stressed, lines of strain showing on his face. I don't know what to expect of him so I just stand aside so he can enter.

When he reaches the middle of my living room, he turns toward me. "I'm really sorry you had to see that."

"I'm not exactly sure what I just saw. Want to enlighten me?"

He takes a seat on my couch and pats the cushion next to him. I sit down and turn to face him.

"Maeve decided to leave rehab. She's been upset because a few times she's tried to call me at home—at night—I haven't been there to answer."

I try to select my words carefully, hoping not to give away my angst over this situation. "And why would she care about that?"

Cillian rubs his face and sighs. "She shouldn't. It's none of her business where I am."

"So... you and she... I mean are you two...?"

His eyes widen in surprise. "Fuck no! There's nothing going on between us..."

"But...?"

"But there used to be something... a while back. But it's been over for a long time."

"If it's over, why is she so angry over what you do in your personal life?"

"We have a history... we played music together. We found major success together. There's a bond there."

"There's more than that," I prompt.

He nods his head. "About a year ago... we were both drinking heavily and one thing led to another. And well, you can figure it out. We were together that way for a while, but it fizzled for me. I thought it fizzled for her too because I caught her with someone else, and ended it officially. But... lately she's been... I don't know... wanting to get back together or something."

"Did you encourage her?" It's a fair question.

"No," he says sadly. "But I didn't discourage it either. It was easier not to fight. But I haven't been with her intimately since I broke it off. It's not like that. It's just... she likes to be a little touchy-feely with me, and... I sort of just put up with it. It's never interfered with my..."

His face actually goes red.

"With your sexual escapades?"

Cillian looks at me with resolve. "Yes... it's never interfered with my ability to fuck another woman. But don't even think that I consider you an escapade. It's more with you."

I want to explore that statement. I want to know what he means when he says I'm "more". But now is not the time.

"But the problem remains... she doesn't seem to be over it."

Cillian sinks into the couch and lays his head back, staring at my ceiling. "I don't know what she is, and I'm not sure I know how to handle this. I apparently fucked up and caused her to leave rehab."

"That's a bit unfair to yourself, don't you think? You can't be responsible for her actions."

"Yet it was my action... or rather inaction... that caused her to leave."

"No, Cillian. That was her choice and hers alone. It's not your responsibility to keep her there."

"No? I promised I'd support her and clearly I wasn't doing a very good job."

Standing from the couch, I look down at Cillian. He brings his gaze from the ceiling to me, and I so want to get lost in his dark eyes, but that would be foolish of me right now. Things have just gotten really complicated.

"Look... maybe I need to step out of the picture and let you concentrate on helping Maeve with... well, whatever it is she needs." I have no clue what that is, because frankly, I don't understand what her problem is. Is she just obsessive? Does she have a drinking problem? Or is she mental in some way? Possibly all three?

I'm startled when Cillian lunges from the couch, his hands coming to my shoulders. He puts his face in close to mine. "That's not even a fucking option, Renner. I may not know how to handle this just yet, but I'll figure it out."

"Yeah, but, don't you think—"

My words are cut off as Cillian's mouth covers mine. He's purposely shutting me up and as is usually the case when Cillian touches me, rational thought flees my mind. He moves the kiss deeper, wrapping his arms around me. His tongue is invasive and possessing. He's reminding me that his needs are simple, and he's reminding me that mine are as well.

Gathering my last reserve of strength, I pull my lips away. "Cillian... think about this a minute..."

His hands come up to frame my face. "No. No thinking. Just feeling right now."

Then he's kissing me again, softer and sweeter. It's devoid of the raw lust that usually runs through us. Which is the worst possible thing he could do to me right now because soft and sweet from Cillian is too desirable to refuse.

I decide to worry about these problems later because I don't want to miss out on what he's offering me. I may not see this again.

Wrapping my arms around his neck, I surrender to him. He doesn't waste time... picking me up and carrying me to the bedroom.

Gone is the usual whipping off clothes. Instead, Cillian lays me on the bed and crawls on top of me, fully dressed. Settling his weight between my legs, he proceeds to kiss me more. Long, slow, lazy kisses. He's showing me that he has all the time in the world, and that this is something he wants to savor.

He's rock hard between my legs but he doesn't even grind against me. It's as if he just wants to enjoy my mouth, and only my mouth.

But it makes me restless. While the sweetness of his actions are causing my heart to beat overtime, it's not enough. I want more of him. I want the wild and domineering Cillian too.

"You're driving me crazy," I tell him when he lifts his lips briefly.

He smiles down at me. "Oh yeah? Why is that?"

"Because... I'm used to you handling me with the force of a hurricane. This gentle, summer storm you're giving me right now is a bit disconcerting."

Cillian trails a fingertip down my throat, his gaze following. "What did I tell you? No thinking... just feel."

He kisses me again and I do as he asks. His moves are tender but still passionate. Finally, his hands move and they start gently stroking me, in places that he's never paid that much attention to before.

The underside of my arm. My collarbone. The outside of my thigh. He even nuzzles under my jaw before kissing me softly there. I do what he asks and let myself just feel.

Our clothes seem to melt away, in between the slow make-out session we have. Our hands seek each other in more intimate places, causing soft gasps and sharply drawn breaths. He leaves me for just a second, to grab a condom.

Lying on his side, he hands it to me. "Put it on."

There's my controlling Cillian, and his command causes me to shiver. I slowly roll it on his length, taking my time and squeezing him when I'm done. He lets out a soft moan before pushing me on my back and covering me again.

He enters me slowly while his face hovers over me, his eyes boring into mine. He moves with care and a calmness I didn't know he possessed. It makes my heart swell just a little, wondering if this man is capable of something more.

He moves inside of me, all the while staring into my eyes. I'm helpless to look away, although I have to fight the urge to close my eyes every time he hits me deep. Our breaths come out a little louder, punctuated every so often by a groan from one of us. We build up higher, both on the same path, and when I feel myself start to tighten around him, he links our hands together and kisses me lightly on the mouth. His lips stay there, resting softly against mine, as he starts to climax, and I follow right behind him.

When our bodies finally stop shuddering from pleasure, Cillian kisses me again. "Give me just a second, okay?"

I nod and he leaves the bed, walking to the bathroom. He's back within a few moments and crawls back in bed, drawing me into his arms. Placing his lips on my forehead, he murmurs, "My cailín álainn."

"What does that mean...you keep saying it to me?"

He runs his tongue over my lower lip. "It's Gaelic for 'beautiful girl'."

"Oh," I say, warmed by the endearment. "You make it sound so lovely."

"Lovely sentiment for a lovely girl."

I stroke his chest. "I don't know if I can handle sweet and cuddly Cillian. It's a bit weird."

Cillian just grins at me. "You handle me just fine, Renner. Much better than I deserve half the time."

I'm silent for a moment, still basking in the amazingly sweet sex we just had, and also relishing this new, softer Cillian. I know it's not his truly deep nature, but he's not faking this. He definitely has a gentleness buried underneath the controlling, sexy, rock-star personality.

"What do you need from me?"

He looks at me with surprise. "What do you mean?"

"Well," I say carefully. "I don't think things are going to be easy with Maeve. I offered to step back but you said that's not an option. What role do you want me to play?"

Cillian runs his finger along my jaw, considering my request. "I don't want you to play a role. I just want you to be you. I want us to continue doing exactly what we're doing."

"Status quo, huh?"

"Well," he says deviously. "I wouldn't mind if we add a little more sex to the mixture."

His hand comes up to my breast and he tweaks a nipple. Pleasure courses through my blood.

I jab him in the ribs. "You're rotten."

"Every fucking day, baby. Every fucking day."

Then he kisses me again and I let myself get lost.

***

It was bound to happen—I realize that now. After the countless times Cady has barged into my flat unannounced, it was bound to happen while Cillian was here. And this time, it just so happened while we were eating naked pizza in my kitchen.

"Hey, Renner... I have a need to do some shopping. Get your lazy ass in gear and let's go."

I screamed at her invasion, partly scared out of my wits when the door flew open and partly mortified to be standing there naked while Cillian was feeding me a bite of pizza. I jumped behind Cillian, who didn't even have the grace to be embarrassed, facing Cady.

She at least slammed her eyes shut and spun around so fast I'm surprised she didn't get dizzy and fall over.

"Oh, fuck," she said. "What the fuck are you two doing?"

Her voice is filled with bewilderment and an underlying hint of disgust.

"Come on, Cady," Cillian says in a teasing manner. "You know exactly what I'm doing to lovely Renner here."

I jab him in the ribs with my finger and he yelps.

"Cady, just give us a second to get dressed."

Grabbing Cillian's hand, I drag him back to my bedroom. As soon as the door is closed, the idiot grabs me in his arms and tries to kiss me.

"What are you doing?" I say in exasperation as I push him away. "Get dressed so we can go smooth this over."

He grins at me but at least picks up his jeans and slips them on. "Why are you so bent out of shape? There's nothing to smooth over."

Well, that's true. We've done nothing wrong, but Cady's going to be pissed I hadn't told her about this.

I whip on a pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt, and head back out to the living room, assuming Cillian will follow. When she hears me, she turns around, her face still red. I glance behind me and see Cillian step back into the kitchen, picking up a slice a pizza to resume eating.

Cady leans in close to me to whisper. "Sorry for barging in like that...I never would have if I knew you'd be doing the naked tango with Cillian. How long has this been going on?"

"Not long. Are you mad at me?"

She gives me a light punch, still whispering. "Yes... I'm mad. Mad that you didn't tell me, not mad that you’re... doing it with him." That last part had her wrinkling her nose up.

I shoot her a grin and decide to freak her out even more. Lowering my voice conspiratorially, I say, "Gosh, Cady... he's an animal in the sack. You should see this thing he does with his tongue—"

"Stop it," she practically screeches. "I don't want to hear what happens in bed between my cousin and my almost-brother."

I chuckle and give her a quick hug. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you. It all happened so fast and it's a bit new."

"But you're happy with him?" I can see the doubt on her face.

"Don't worry about me. We're both having fun right now, that's all."

Cady glances past me into the kitchen to sneak a peek at Cillian. Then she looks back at me. "His tongue, you say?"

Nodding my head slowly up and down I tell her, "You can't imagine how good that piercing he has feels."

Her face goes red but she starts giggling. "I'm sure Teagan will want more details than I do. But right now... I'm going to get out of your hair so you can go back to your naked pizza party."

Apparently, we weren't whispering as low as we thought we were because Cillian calls out, "Good, because you weren't invited."

Cady sticks her tongue out at Cillian and then gives me a quick hug. After the door closes behind her, Cillian holds a slice of pizza up. "Get back in here and eat. And make sure you get rid of your clothes first."