Chapter 8
Ash
I straighten out my tie after a quick glance into the mirror. Today was my day off and I’ve spent all of my time on research. Research into setting up my own clinic. It’s going well. If everything keeps falling into place, I could have something set up by this time next year. Up and running. It’s everything I’ve wanted for so long. The closer it gets, the more exciting it is.
No one knows about my plans, not outside of my family. Soon I’ll be at the stage of picking out a site. I’d like it to be in the same area as where I work now if that’s at all possible. It’s a good neighborhood for attracting the kind of patients I want to be working with.
My mind shifts to tonight. I don’t know what I was thinking, asking Sarah out like I did. I don’t regret it. But it wasn’t exactly the right move to make. I should’ve waited. It’s risky, asking out a colleague. I’ve never done it before. And I never thought I would.
I went a little overboard with the disclaimers when we spoke. I wanted to make sure she knew there was absolutely no pressure. And that if she said no, it wouldn’t be a problem at all. I can understand why there’s a need for so many rules about workplace conduct. And I’ve never broken them before.
I’m not totally sure why I broke them now. I was going to wait. See how everything works out with my new clinic. I really want Sarah to work there with me. But I got to thinking. It’s still pretty far out in the future. She’s a great woman. I don’t want to take the chance that some other guy could scoop her up first.
Honestly I’m a little surprised she said yes. She’s really mindful of keeping things professional too. That’s what really convinced me that I don’t need to wait any longer.
So tonight, we’re going out for drinks. I’m ready early, so I turn back to the real estate listings. Time goes fast as I locate a couple of appropriate sites that are real possibilities for my clinic.
Now I need to get going. As I climb into my car, I try to picture what it would be like to work with Sarah if things go well between us. That’s another issue. I don’t want to think about it, but my mind goes there anyway. There’s always the chance that even if she and I hit it off now, things could go south in the future. That’s really the main problem.
Could we manage after that? I hope so. We’re both adults. Except that during my training, I saw more than one couple who worked together fail hard. For one thing, they couldn’t keep their arguments at home. I vowed back then that I’ never get into a situation like that. That kind of thing can be so disruptive in a medical environment. I don’t think any of them ever realized just how much of an impact their behavior and problems had on the other staff. And then that can easily spill over to the patients.
By the time I reach Sarah’s place, I’ve almost talked myself out of going out with her. Not that I’d stand her up, of course. But maybe this wasn’t a great idea after all.
When she opens the door, all of my misgivings go out the window. She looks incredible. And I realize I haven’t ever seen her outside of work, or outside of her uniform. Maybe once or twice when she changed before leaving the clinic. Most people don’t usually bother to do that. She doesn’t usually either. But when I saw her those times, it was only a quick glimpse.
Now I can see her full-on. She looks so different. I’ve never seen her this way before. Hair down. Dressed in something other than jeans or her work uniform.
She’s gazing at me too. Of course, she’s never seen me out of my white coat either.
“Dr. Ash.”
“Sarah. Call me Ash. We aren’t at work now.”
She breaks into the smile that I like so much. “Sorry. That’s going to be a hard habit to break.”
“There’s no need to apologize.”
She’s ready to go, purse in hand and a light sweater draped over her arm. “So, where are we going?”
“Cinq. Have you been there?”
“No. I don’t know it.”
Once Sarah told me where she lived, I chose a bar that wasn’t far away from her place. “We can walk. It’s only a few blocks away. If you don’t mind, that is.”
“Not at all. I like walking. It’s something I like to do to relax.”
It’s a perfect evening for a short walk. It doesn’t take long at all to get there. Sarah pauses to check it out before we head inside.
“I don’t usually walk this way. I remember going by this place when I first moved into the neighborhood. I always meant to come here and check it out, but it slipped my mind.”
“I’ve been here a couple of times. It’s quite nice.”
It’s early enough that it’s easy to find a nice spot to sit. “Are you in the mood for wine?” I ask her.
“Always.” And then she blushes. As if she’s admitted something she didn’t want me to know. It’s kind of sweet.
“I mean, not always. I enjoy a glass now and then.”
“Nothing wrong with that. There’s a nice Merlot that I’ve been meaning to try. What do you think?”
“Sounds great. I like trying new things.”
“That sounds promising.”
We start chatting easily enough, but I get the sense that she’s holding something back. “Is everything okay, Sarah? You seem a little uncomfortable.”
She flashes me her pretty smile. “I’m not uncomfortable. Not at all, I’m having a nice time. It’s just that it’s a little strange. Being out with you like this. It’s not against the rules, is it? Because I had a look and I couldn’t find anything. But I don’t want to do anything wrong.”
“Dating in the workplace is a minefield these days, that’s for sure. But there’s no rule at our clinic stating that we can’t go out. The only issue would be is if you felt pressured to go out with me. You didn’t, did you? Because I wouldn’t want that.”
Sarah shakes her head vigorously. “Not at all. I have to say, I’ve been interested in you for a while now.”
That’s very good to hear. She’s friendly to everyone. I didn’t get a strong sense that she had an interest in me. At least, not at first. Then there were some signs I started to notice. If there hadn’t been anything at all, I wouldn’t pursued anything. “Is that right? Then I’m glad I asked you out.”
The waiter arrives with the wine. After he leaves, I lift my glass. “To the future.”
“The future.” Sarah clinks her glass to mine.
I sample the wine. Very nice. “It’s quite good. What do you think?”
“It is. It’s very nice. I don’t usually drink red, but I may start now.”
“Just to get back to what we were talking about before for a moment. I’d never want you to be uncomfortable at work, Sarah. And not to presume anything, but if we do begin dating regularly and it didn’t work out, nothing would change at the clinic. I want you to know that. No matter what happens tonight or at any point in the future, everything would be fine between us at work. I want to make sure that you stay happy there.”
She takes another drink of wine. “I appreciate you saying that. I mean, I don’t know how long I’ll be there after I graduate. But whatever happens in the future, I do really like my job. I’d like to keep it for the foreseeable future.”
“Do you have plans for after you graduate?”
“No, no plans. I have tons of ideas. But I haven’t narrowed anything down into an actual plan yet. There are so many choices out there. I haven’t picked anything so far.” She turns her glass around in her hand. “I expect that sounds unfocused.”
“No. Not at all. You do have a lot of options. Being able to explore at the beginning of your career is a great thing. There’s no need to rush. Besides, you never know what could happen, what kind of opportunities could open up for you.”
In this moment, I almost tell her about my clinic plans. But I catch myself just in time. It’s too soon. Too soon to know where either one of us will be in a year. And even though she’s the kind of nurse I absolutely want on my team, I’m conflicted.
I also want her for myself. We’ve barely started our date, and I’m even more interested in her than I was before. And I can’t get around the thought that it would be a truly bad idea to work with someone you’re involved with. I’ve never seen that work out well.
Maybe I’ll change my mind. Maybe Sarah will. Maybe there’s no possibility of us. Thinking about that now is really jumping the gun, I know. But I’m drawn to her in ways that I haven’t been drawn to another woman for quite some time.
No, not sometime. Never.
I finally have the time for a relationship. It was impossible to have anything worthwhile when I was going through being a med student and then into residency. The time commitment involved in studying to become a doctor is huge.
The rewards are huge too. Eventually. At the time, I gave up on dating after a few failed attempts. Every other woman I tried to date was just as busy as I was. I got into the habit of quick, casual sex. Friends with benefits was pretty much the norm back then. Emphasis on the benefits, because new friendships were hard to form too. There simply wasn’t enough time.
I ended up with hookups in between studying and exams and courses and training. That worked out well for everyone involved. Every other med student I knew was in the same position. We all had needs and we met them for each other. It was pretty normal then, in that situation. For all of us.
And when there weren’t women available, I had no problem hooking up with men. That was just as common, although no one ever acknowledged it or talked about it. At all. It was just done and never spoken about.
I know a lot of the guys were flexible enough to do it just to get off. It was something else for me. Sex with men or women was just as fulfilling. Frankly, I enjoyed the hell out of it. Sometimes I’d even choose to be with a guy over a woman. I shocked myself the first time I did that.
I suppose that makes me bisexual. Although I haven’t been with a guy since I became a doctor, and residency ended. It was never about having a relationship with anyone back then though, let alone a guy. I always figured I’d get married eventually and settle down.
I just never did anything to make that happen. Now with Sarah, maybe there’s a chance this could go somewhere.
That thought is exciting. And yet at the same time, it makes me miss those days back in college. Not the enormous, crushing work load, of course. Or the endless amount of time it seemed to take before I could get out there and practice medicine. But the sexual opportunities.
Yes. I have to admit it.
I miss having sex with men. As much as I’m interested in where things could go with Sarah, maybe I should take advantage of being single for a little longer. Before I give up that side of myself completely.
I haven’t thought about that time in awhile. It was a lot of fun. Really intense. And great.
There wouldn’t be anything wrong with having a little more fun before I settle into the life I was always expecting to have. I want Sarah to be part of that life.
But I want some more time first too.