Starting over fucking sucked. Moving to a new city because you had ended your own career felt even worse. Of course, that was years ago, and all anyone seemed to care about was whether or not I was going to shoot pictures of men in bondage gear again. I tried to give my press agents a little hint: I wasn’t going to.

Staring out the window intently, I could see my image reflected over the city skyline. My face looked rigid and abstract. I could barely recognize myself anymore. Neon lights shined like post markers in the distance. Every few minutes, you could hear someone’s car horn go off. Most of the city had very little to offer a man of my taste, but it was new. Yes, it was that.

Everyone wondered the same thing. What drove me to quit my passion? For one, I fell in love with my manager, Noah. That was the best decision I had ever made. But every so often, the itch of creativity came back.

I needed something different. A change of scenery, maybe, or something to lift my spirits. In this city, something unique was bound to come my way. In fact, something already had. His name was Hank Mapplethorpe. He had no idea he was my new muse.

It was Noah’s idea. He read the old interviews with Hank and practically fell in love. Bad idea, I thought. But then, when were we the ones to follow a good idea? We were passionate people, and when we saw someone we liked, we went for it.

My phone lit up. Another gallery (back in New York City, of course) wanted to display a brand new collection of mine. There would be a “sizeable donation,” they said. Somehow, I couldn’t care less.

The answer would have to be a firm “no,” of course. I hadn’t released anything in over five years. They knew that. Everyone fucking knew that, I thought.

Why the hell would I be interested in picking up the camera for another New York gallery? Did they really think their space held that much weight? I could only imagine the look on their flat faces when they saw I declined their offer.

That scene was boring, tasteless, and ultimately, it left me uninspired. I already had all the money I needed. My dreams had been conquered. That’s why I left in the first place.

I tossed my phone onto the couch and sighed. My high-rise apartment was supposed to make me feel comfortable, but it honestly didn’t. Instead, it instilled a sense of discomfort in me, only drove home the idea that millions of people surrounded me, yet I felt so alone.

My couch vibrated again. Stupid smart phone is taking up my life.

“Did you make him an offer yet?”

I could see the words light up from a mile away.

I hadn’t done anything except show up at the guy’s party, and even when I got there, I couldn’t make a move. I grabbed my phone and frantically typed.

“No. I haven’t said anything. I’m not sure if I can go through with it. It’s been so long.”

Three dots formed on my phone screen. I knew what Noah was going to say. Noah, the cute redhead without a chip on his shoulder. He didn’t have a care in the world, did he? I wished I could be like him, but I couldn’t. Once, he told me I took life for granted. He was probably right.

“He’s perfect, Adam. You know it. I know it. He’s beautiful.”

He was perfect. As soon as I saw the old magazine spreads, I knew I wanted him to model for me.

“Even if I did bring him to a shoot, I wouldn’t want to put any of this on display. It would be just for me.”

He quickly sent me back a reply.

“And me.”

I groaned and sat down on the couch, spreading my legs apart. I wasn’t going to have sex with Hank. I couldn’t cross that boundary again. All I wanted was for him to be himself. We could all take it from there.

“Did you mention my name to him last night? I saw you talking to him. Looked like you two were about to suck face. Also, I miss you. When are you coming back? You know you can’t leave me by myself.”

I could just imagine Noah’s excited laughter.

“Unfortunately, there was no kissing. I mentioned your name and gave him my card. I said he should call me sometime. I miss you too, dahling. I’ll be back in the morning to scoop you up into my arms.”

Oh, Noah. Of course, he gave him his card. Noah spent so much money on printing those things. Our plan was already going so wrong. There was professionalism, and there was business. I wasn’t too fond of the business side of things.

“He’s going to think you want to take him on a date.”

“Maybe I do.”

Without me? The bastard! His reply flung me to my feet. I set my phone down for a second. Was I feeling a tinge of jealousy? Maybe, a little bit.

Jealousy wasn’t a normal emotion for me. I could get anyone I wanted to. I was Adam fucking Newton. Oh, hell. Who was I kidding? I was the king of jealousy.

I decided that I should act cool about the whole thing. I trusted Noah enough not to fall for another man. If they hooked up, so be it. Noah would get bored of him in a week.

I grabbed my phone again, gnashing my thumbs against the screen.

“I think it would be great if you guys went out.”

Making sure he got the point, I kept typing.

“Honestly, Noah. I don’t care. We’re only here to take some intriguing photos. When I’m done, we can go to berlin. Or back to New York. Whatever you want.”

“I’ll think about it.”

He was a cautious manager, always thinking about the bigger picture. Who cares about that? I wondered. The world was going to shit anyway, so why were people worried about acting on their impulses?

“No need to think about it. Just go where your cock takes you.”

I couldn’t take sitting inside all night. I was going to go out. Yes, out into the dreadful city. Maybe I could get lost and stumble into the nearest bar. Most likely, I was wasting my time.

On the outside, this city was not for me, but I came here for a reason. Back in the 80’s, our culture wasn’t so out in the open. In these smaller cities, the clubs were a gathering place for likeminded men.

Leather and Lace was one of those places of refuge for the queer scene. Any guy was allowed inside, and they kept their price to a minimum. I remembered being around eighteen years old, and hearing about what Hank and Leo did here. Most of the information was published in zines and self-made pamphlets.

Once they solidified something here, they earned a sense of status. Hank, however, was the real deal.

I read all of his interviews, and I watched all of the news segments about the L&L. Back then, Noah was a punk. With a shaved head and spiked leather jacket, he proudly stood by his creation. He had had his character perfected all the way down to the chewing gum he used. With a tattoo of a leather whip displayed on the left side of his chest, he stood for who he was.

But I knew about his other side…

My front door slammed behind me. Suddenly, I was walking down a cold alleyway, burying my head in front of me, walking as fast as I could to get a drink. It was October. Finally, the weather had shifted into cooler territory.

On the corner of my street was an old bar. It wasn’t the same scene that the Leather and Lace provided, but it was a place I could disappear to when I felt like getting drunk. And tonight, I felt like getting drunk.

The sign flickered on the front of the building, barely hanging by its power cord. Holding my camera in front of my face, I snapped a picture. “Stupid,” I whispered to myself after I realized how amateur I looked.

Taking a step back, I pulled a cigarette from behind my ears. I twirled it in my fingers before hearing the loud crack of thunder. Without any warning, raindrops pounded against my body. Worst of all, my camera was wet.

“Aw, shit.” I flung my body underneath the entrance, finally working my hand around the handle. I stumbled inside the bar, soaking wet. Everyone was staring in my direction.

The night was one of those nights that bring you down for no reason other than the fact that you’re faced to face with the monotonous repetition known as being alive. I felt it clawing inside of my stomach, the slow aching sensation that I knew was boredom.

Anxiously, I cleared my throat and tried to walk straight to a darkened booth in the back. Glancing around the room, I felt like an outsider. Looking directly in front of me but never too far ahead, I finally sat down on the red vinyl seats. This trip was definitely a learning lesson, and it was finally beginning to take its toll on me.

In my pocket, I ran my fingers around the firm pack of cigarettes. I reached inside and pulled one out, running it through my fingers. A deep voice resounded, “Can’t smoke that in here.”

“No worries. I don’t smoke,” I said.

The noticeable presence of a man twice the size of me stopped at my table. “Who said I was your pal?”

My stomach shook. Was I going to have to fight some nobody in nobody town such as this? Slowly, I looked up. “Oh, it’s you,” I muttered. Leo, Hank’s business partner was standing in front of me.

Funneling into the booth with me, he laughed and clapped his palm against the table. “You don’t sound too excited,” he said. “Adam Newton, I’m assuming?”

“All I ever asked for was to never be noticed,” I said.

Leo set his drink on the table. “Don’t worry. You’re not going to get hounded around here. This is a locals-only type of bar. I’m a little bit surprised that you’re here. Not too many know about the place,” he said.

Shrugging, I flagged the bartender over. He squinted his eyes and shook his head. “Hey, I’ll take whatever he’s having,” I said.

He was a short man in his mid-forties, but he was strong. That was a characteristic of men from around here, strong and hardheaded.

“You order at the bar,” the bartender said.

“Well, at least they stick to their guns around here,” I muttered.

“You’re just not speaking their language.” Leo put a twenty-dollar bill on the table.

“Another round, David,” Leo said. “Keep the change.”

“Sure thing, Champ.” David meandered through the hazy room of the bar.

“You don’t look too good,” Leo said.

“Do I look a certain way?” I asked.

David brought the drinks over and set them down, eyeing me very carefully. No one in this city liked me very much, and even though Leo was giving me the necessary materials for a good night, I knew there was bad news coming my way. I could see it reflected in his facial movements.

“My boyfriend is out of town. I’m a little depressed.” That part was true.

Leo’s face was severe. I wished he would just leave me alone and let me drink. Was he intent on punishing me all night? “I have all of your prints, you know. I used to follow you around. Ass Zine—I loved your piece in that one,” Leo said.

It was hard not to laugh at myself. All of the interviews I gave were a sham. I hadn’t had a clue why I created, or why I shot the subjects I shot. I just did what felt good at the time.

“I’ve done my research too,” I said. “Leo. The beast, right?”

Leo stared off the distance. “Some people call me that,” he said.

“Right. I saw you with that omega the other night at the Leather and Lace club. So you settled down?” I asked.

“Yeah, about two years ago. Best decision I ever made,” Leo said.

“That’s great. I’m really happy to hear that.”

Silence. One. Two. Three. “What are you and that red head up to? Why are you following Hank around?” Leo asked.

There it was, the question of the evening. “I had a feeling you’d ask a stupid question like that,” I said.

Anger flashed in my eyes. I didn’t come here to be interrogated. None of this was sitting right with me. “Look, I just came to get a drink,” I said.

“And I just came to warn you,” Leo said.

Standing up, I grabbed my drink and scooted toward the exit of the booth. Leo grabbed the edge of my button-down. Turning around, I looked him dead in the eyes. “You followed me here,” I said. “I should be asking you the same fucking question.”

“At least I’ll admit it. You weren’t hard to find.” Leo let go of my shirt and patted the grab marks away.

“What on earth could you want from me?” I asked. “Is it money? Fame? Do you want me to sign one of your old Ass Zines for you?”

“You know what I want,” Leo said.

Suddenly, my throat felt dry. I hadn’t smoked in over thirteen years, but I felt the aching urge to light up that cigarette. Leo finally let me out of the booth, but I was too stunned to head for the exit. I gulped down my drink before stammering, “Just say what you want to say, dammit.”

“Stay away from Hank. He’s a good guy who’s looking for something more,” Leo said.

It was a firm statement, but Leo didn’t know me. His warnings only made me want to talk to Hank more. I finished my drink. “I think he can decide for himself.”

Leo’s eyes never faltered. He stared right through me, face severe. “I’ve known him for decades. He’s looking for a long lasting relationship,” he said. “I just don’t want to see him in another toxic relationship.”

“Toxic relationship? Like I said, he can make decisions for himself,” I argued.

Leaning back against the booth, Leo brought his drink up to his lips, but he didn’t drink the contents yet. “You’re right,” Leo said. “He can make any decision that he wants. But if you fuck with his heart, I’ll punch your lights out.”

The only response I could offer was in the form of a nod. I remained silent while eyeing the door. This beast of a man had suddenly ruined my fun. “Just think about what I told you tonight,” Leo said.

Normally, I would have laughed and taken the beating. In New York, I wouldn’t have given two fucks about a guy like Leo. In this lonely bar, I gave him the respect he felt he deserved.

“Fine. I’ll stay back. But I can’t promise you Noah will listen. He’s feisty like that.”

I pulled my arm away and walked out of the bar. “I can be feisty too,” I whispered.