San Georgio is quiet when we get back and Mum goes straight to her room. Toby is lying in the garden with his T-shirt over his face and Leonie flops onto the grass next to him.
‘I’m going for a bath,’ Elyse tells me, as we both head for the stairs.
I don’t reply, just go straight to my and Leonie’s room and climb into bed. I don’t expect to fall asleep – my throat is still tight and my chest feels hollow and strained – but I must do because I’m woken by the sound of a moped on the street outside and I roll over, stretching down the bed.
When I open my eyes I can tell the light’s changed and I guess it’s probably early evening. I swing my legs out of bed and stagger to the bathroom. I feel heavy and awkward, the way you do when you get out of the sea or a pool and the water’s not holding you up any more. I shower and then, back in the bedroom, open the blinds and the window and look out onto the street.
The bar below is opening up. There are three older men standing outside, smoking, and talking enthusiastically. The air smells like tomatoes and oregano. My stomach rumbles, but I don’t want to go downstairs yet. There are clothes all over Leonie’s bed, so I start sorting them – hanging some up, putting some in the drawers, throwing her underwear into the laundry basket. I pull the duvet across and pick up Leonie’s pillow to fluff it up. Underneath it is a pot of Dad’s ashes.
At first I think it’s mine and I wonder why she has them, but of course it’s her tin, not mine. I leave them where they are and put the pillow back.
I get my own pot out of the bedside table, lift it up in front of my face and whisper, ‘Dad. I miss you so much. I wish you were here.’
‘Mil?’ Leonie says.
I must have fallen asleep again. I groan. I’m still wrapped in a towel with a towel on my head.
‘You okay?’ Leonie says.
I feel her sit down on the edge of my bed. And then she laughs. ‘Did you tidy up?’
‘Shut up,’ I say.
She lies down next to me.
‘Piss off,’ I say. ‘I’m naked.’
‘I’m not though, so it’s fine.’ She pulls my duvet up over me and then clamps her arm around my waist. ‘We’re going out,’ she says.
‘Nope.’
‘It wasn’t a question. The restaurant’s closed. We’ve all had a shit day. Mum, Alice and Stefano are going to some fancy bar with bespoke cocktails and a tasting menu or something. Toby says he knows a fantastic place we can go to.’
‘I’m so not in the mood,’ I say, lifting my head high enough to pull the towel away and then dropping back down again.
‘Don’t worry,’ Leonie says. ‘I can totally sort that mess out. I’ll fix your face too.’
I shove her. ‘I just … I feel like shit.’
Leonie nuzzles at my shoulder. ‘You think I don’t? I was the one who said we had to go. But it happened. And you’ve been wallowing in bed for hours now. So you’re going to get up, I’m going to make you look gorgeous, and then we’re all going out to get absolutely fucking hammered. Okay?’
‘Okay.’
The bar is on a rooftop, lit with string lights hanging between trees (in tubs) around the perimeter, mismatched sofas between them. There’s a seating area with metal tables, a dancing area – empty at the moment – plus a huge sandpit with a ping-pong table and a hot tub. The bar itself is in a converted silver jetstream trailer.
‘What do you think?’ Toby asks me, rearranging some chairs so we can all sit together.
‘It’s great,’ I tell him.
‘It’s pretty chill,’ he says. ‘Nice relaxed vibe.’
I look at him, but before I get a chance to comment, Leonie says, ‘Pretty chill? Relaxed vibe? Oh, Toby, no.’
Leonie’s wearing cut-off jeans with my wedge sandals and her Iron Maiden T-shirt. She’s got her sunglasses pushed up on her head and isn’t wearing any make-up, apart from bright pink lipstick. She looks fantastic.
‘Shut up.’ Toby grins at her.
I link my arm through his and cuddle him against me. ‘I missed you,’ I say, forcefully.
I feel him kiss the top of my head. ‘Me too, cuz.’
I shuffle on my seat, pulling at my too-short skirt. I let Leonie talk me into wearing one of her dresses. It’s a black swing dress with lace over the top and I’m wearing it with Leonie’s ankle boots. She kept insisting it was very Rome, very La Dolce Vita and she also did my make-up (‘You have to have a smoky eye’) and put my hair up, since it was sticking up in all directions anyway. I feel good. But not entirely like myself.
Leonie stands up, waving, and I turn to look where she’s looking – Gia is crossing the roof towards us. Elyse is still talking on her phone, walking up and down and gesturing. She doesn’t look happy.
Luke heads off to get some beers and Elyse finally gets off the phone and joins us.
‘I cannot believe that boy!’ Elyse says, sitting down on my other side.
I think at first she’s talking about Luke and I wonder what he’s done, but then I realise.
‘Robbie?’
‘Who else did you think I was talking to?’ she says. ‘He’s such a dick.’
‘What’s he done?’
‘Oh, just the flats. He said he was going to talk to this girl from college – see where she wants to live, who with, what we can afford. But he hasn’t even called her. And he hasn’t even looked at any of the stuff I’ve sent him. Ugh. I don’t want to talk about it.’
‘Good,’ Toby says. ‘Cos we’re not here to talk. We’re here to dance!’
Leonie is the first of us to get up and dance, dragging Toby with her, and then I’m not surprised when Gia goes to join them. Elyse is off somewhere with her phone again. Luke moves round so he’s sitting next to me. I can feel warmth coming off him even though we’re not touching and it reminds me of that time in Alice’s garden. Luke’s wearing jeans and a white shirt and he smells like mandarins and basil. I tug at my too-short dress again and shuffle forward so I’m sitting on the edge of the sofa.
‘Do you want to dance?’ he says, mouth close to my ear.
I shake my head and point down at my boots.
He grins at me and I can tell he doesn’t believe that’s the reason. I look at his mouth and I want to kiss him. I can tell he knows that too. I picture him kissing that girl in the street – what was she called? Carolina? – to remind myself that Luke isn’t interested in me. Luke is just interested in whoever is around at the time. But it doesn’t work that way. Instead I feel that pulse in my groin again as I picture his hands underneath her top, his fingers moving. And I’m still staring at his mouth.
‘Milly,’ I see him say.
I shake my head and start to stand up, wobbling slightly in the unfamiliar boots. Luke touches my arm and I look down at him. He’s frowning. I look from the little line between his eyebrows to his mouth. I want to run my thumb along his bottom lip. There’s a bit of stubble underneath it and I want to scratch it with my nails.
‘Don’t run away,’ he says.
I blink at him. ‘I’m not. I’m just going to the loo.’
‘Promise?’
I try to smile, but my face won’t cooperate. ‘Promise.’
In the bathroom, I stare at myself in the mirror. I don’t look like me. But that works because I don’t feel like me either. I think about leaving and going home. Not just back to San Georgio, but home to London. Home to my room, to my bed, to my old life. But I can’t go back. My old life – the one with Dad in it – doesn’t exist any more. And it never will again.
I pat my burning face with cold water and head back out into the bar. Luke isn’t where I left him and so I cross the dance floor to where Leonie, Gia and Toby are dancing. It’s completely dark now and as we dance I look up at the fairy lights glittering against the sky, like trapped stars. I close my eyes and let the music wash over me. It feels a bit like being on stage – just focussing on the music and not worrying about anything else.
An Italian boy comes up behind me and puts his hands on my hips, pulling me back against him. I drop my head forward and then back to rest on his shoulder and I feel his lips at the base of my neck. I laugh, turning around and pushing him away, gently. He grins at me, his eyes twinkling. He gestures at me to go and dance with him, but I shake my head and dance over to Toby.
‘Are you having fun?’ Toby yells.
I nod at him, grinning. He looks bright and happy, his hair sticking up in clumps. He’s not a great dancer, but he is an enthusiastic one – his shoulders shimmying, elbows flapping out like bird wings, but he grabs me and swings me round and I laugh out loud. I see Leonie dancing with Gia, Elyse on one of the sofas, actually not on her phone for once, talking to an Italian boy, who has his hand on her thigh. I look for Luke, but I can’t see him anywhere.
I dance for a while and then flop down on a sofa, wiggling my aching toes in Leonie’s boots. A woman appears at the end of the sofa holding a tray covered with shot glasses, each one filled with highlighter-bright yellow liquid. I tug some Euros out of my bag and hold them up to her and she puts four glasses down on the table in front of me. Okay then. I gulp one straight down. It’s too thick and sweet and it burns and for a second I’m scared it’s going to come straight back up again, but it doesn’t. So I down a second one fast before I change my mind.
‘What are you doing?’ Leonie shouts, appearing in front of me. I don’t even know where she came from. ‘Come and dance!’
I let her pull me up from the seat and across the dance floor to Gia and Toby. The dance floor is crowded and hot, even though we’re outside. People bump into me and Toby grabs my hand and twirls me under his arm. I feel disorientated and dizzy, but I just keep dancing.
I don’t know how long I’ve been dancing when I spot Luke. He’s sitting in the same place the two of us were sitting before and he’s watching me. He looks sad. I tug myself away from Toby and cross the dance floor.
‘Come and dance!’ I shout at him.
He shakes his head and says something I can’t hear. I stare at his lips, frowning. ‘What?’
‘I don’t dance!’ he shouts.
I pull a face at him and reach for his hands, but he pulls them away from me, laughing.
He puts his mouth up to my ear. ‘You should drink some water!’
‘I’m fine!’ I shout. ‘Come on!’
He shakes his head again and I think about going back to dance more, but I don’t want to go without Luke. I step around the table, banging one of my legs a bit, and drop down onto the seat next to him. He holds a glass of water out to me and I grin at him as I pick up the last shot from the table. My finger slips into the drink and it reminds me of Elyse dipping her finger in Dad’s ashes and I want to laugh cos I know Dad would find that hilarious and then I remember that he’s dead so he can’t and he won’t. I down it in one.
Luke is talking to me, but I can’t hear.
‘What?’ I yell.
He puts his mouth to my ear again and I want him to lick it, to suck my earlobe into his mouth and graze it with his teeth.
‘Are you okay?’ he says.
I turn to look at him. ‘I’m fine!’
He smiles, looking down at my mouth. I blink at him. ‘You’re so gorgeous,’ I say.
‘What?’ he shouts.
I start to say it again, but I decide to show him instead. I slide my fingers into his hair at the side, my thumb grazing the edge of his ear. Maybe I’ll suck on his earlobe instead.
‘You’re so drunk,’ he says. Either he’s talking right into my ear or someone’s turned the music down.
‘You should be drunk too,’ I tell him. I turn around to give him one of the shots I bought, but they’re gone. Someone must’ve taken them. Bastards.
‘Who is?’ Luke says.
‘What?’
‘Who’s a bastard?’
‘You are,’ I mumble, leaning closer until my mouth is just in front of his. If I stuck my tongue out I could lick his bottom lip. ‘Such a bastard.’
He pushes me away, his hands in front of my shoulders. He’s looking at me really intently and I frown at him.
‘What?’ The music’s definitely quieter now. Neither of us is shouting.
‘I don’t want to do this when you’re drunk,’ he says.
‘But if I wasn’t drunk I wouldn’t want to,’ I say without thinking. I look down and notice the zip on one of my boots is undone. When did that happen? I pull it up.
He frowns and sort of half-smiles. ‘That’s flattering.’
I laugh. ‘Oh no. Not like that. Of course I’d want to do you! I always want to do you! I mean, I couldn’t. If I wasn’t drunk. I just wouldn’t be able to. It would be too much.’
He gently pushes me back on the sofa, so I’m sitting up and next to him and says, ‘You’re not too much, Milly. You’re never too much.’
I’m still staring at his mouth, but I know he’s not going to kiss me and I’m not going to kiss him.
‘I have to go,’ I say. ‘I have to go now.’
‘Okay,’ he says. ‘I can take you.’
I shake my head, but it makes everything look blurry and scary so I stop. ‘I can go on my own.’
He laughs. ‘That’s not happening.’
‘Luke,’ I say, bending over so my head’s almost resting on my knees. ‘Why do I keep doing this with you?’
I feel his hand between my shoulders, stroking my back gently. ‘I don’t know,’ he says into my ear. ‘But I like you. I’ve liked you since the first time I met you. And I like you now even though you’re drunk and talking shit and you’ve got ketchup down the front of your dress.’
‘Shit!’ I say, sitting up and seeing the dried ketchup smeared over the lace part of Leonie’s dress. She’s going to kill me.
‘So I’m going to take you home,’ Luke says. ‘Stay here a sec, I’m going to find your sisters. And Toby.’
Luke gets up and I drop my head back against the back of the sofa. I could go to sleep. I really want to go to sleep. I close my eyes and my head starts spinning. I hate that.