Luke’s forehead is resting on the top of my shoulder and I like the weight of it. I want to touch his hair and so, after a second, I do. I reach up and tangle my fingers into it, scratching at his scalp a little.
We’re back on the balcony and we’ve turned our chairs so we’re both facing the ocean and can watch the sunset. Beers and crisps are on the table in front of us and neither of us has spoken for a while, but it’s not even awkward.
Luke rubs his head on my shoulder like a cat and I laugh. His lips brush against the skin where my neck meets my shoulder and I shiver.
‘You cold?’ he murmurs.
I shake my head. ‘I’m good.’
This is where I would usually stop, I think. Or if I was drunk, where I would straddle him. I’m not sure what to do if I’m not going to do either of those things. I tug at his hair a bit and he groans and it goes straight to my crotch.
‘This worked out okay, didn’t it?’ he says, his voice sleepy and slow.
‘What?’ I don’t know if he means us being in Positano or something else.
‘Me and you,’ he says. ‘Here.’
‘It’s unexpected,’ I say and I feel him smile against my skin.
‘I’m falling asleep.’ He turns his head and just rests his mouth on my shoulder.
‘You could come into my room,’ I say. ‘For a bit.’
He smiles and says, ‘A bit of what?’
I shrug my shoulder, shifting him off. ‘Shut up. I mean for a while.’
‘Okay,’ he says, his voice low.
The bedroom is dark, but there’s a strip of light shining on the bed from the street lamp directly outside. I want Luke to lie down in it. I want to lie down with him.
He stands just inside the door, looking at me.
‘Don’t be weird,’ I tell him. ‘Sit down.’
‘On the bed?’
I nod and he sits at the top of the bed, his back to the headboard. I walk around to the other side and sit next to him.
‘I don’t know what’s going to happen. When we get home,’ I tell him.
‘Okay,’ he says.
I glance at him and find he’s looking right at me. I look down at my feet on the bed.
‘I like you,’ I say. ‘But … I think I need to work some things out before we … you know.’
‘Yeah,’ he says. ‘If you can’t say it, I don’t think you should do it.’
I glance at him again and he’s smiling, his dimple like an apostrophe.
I laugh. ‘I know. I’m pathetic.’
‘You’re not,’ he says and reaches down to stroke the back of my hand with his thumb. ‘I want you to be sure. Why wouldn’t I?’
I nod. ‘You’re right. It’s just … you know that I do want to, right?’
He laughs. ‘You’ve made that pretty clear once or twice, yeah.’
‘Ugh,’ I say, tipping my head back so it bangs on the headboard.
‘Not ugh,’ he says, reaching over and brushing his hand through my hair. ‘Really, really good.’
Our faces are close now, only a couple of inches between us, so close that I can see an extra eye on the bridge of his nose. I smile and touch it with my finger, making it disappear.
‘What?’ he says and I feel his breath on my face. It smells like beer and lemon.
‘You had an extra eye.’
‘Ah,’ he says. ‘That happens sometimes. So embarrassing.’
I laugh and then, without even consciously deciding to do it, I’m kissing him again. He makes a little huff sound against my mouth, but he doesn’t stop me and one of his hands moves up to rest on my waist. It feels hot, even through my dress. I shift on the bed, turning my torso towards him and slide my left hand into his hair.
I lick over his bottom lip again and then suck it onto my mouth a little. He groans and it sends a thrill through my body so intense that I think I’m going to have to stop. It’s better than it was with Jake. With Jake I was turned on by what we were doing, but not by him. With Luke … I want to investigate every bit of his skin.
I breathe against his mouth and open my eyes for a second. His eyes are closed, long eyelashes fanning out over his cheeks and I want to kiss his eyelids, his cheeks, his jaw, his neck. I press a hand to his chest and use it as leverage to push myself back out of the kiss.
‘Okay?’ he says, eyes fluttering open.
‘Yeah,’ I say. ‘I think … Can we maybe lie down and just –’
‘Cuddle?’
‘Yeah.’
He starts scooting down the bed and I scoot down next to him, holding my dress down so it doesn’t ruck up. I feel the heat of him all down one side and I just lie there for a second and let myself get used to it. He doesn’t move at all.
‘Can I ask you something?’ I say.
‘Course.’
‘The first night we got to Rome, we saw you with a girl.’
‘Ah,’ he says, shifting slightly on the bed, making the springs creak.
‘You were kissing her. Up against a wall.’
As soon as I picture it – his hand under her top, fingers moving over her nipple – I feel that pulse between my legs. I cross my ankles and squeeze my thighs together.
‘Carolina,’ he says. Caro-LEE-na.
‘Yeah. Toby told me. So you and she aren’t …’
‘No,’ he says. ‘We were for a bit. But it wasn’t serious. I mean, it couldn’t be, I was only going to be in Rome for the summer.
‘And then we saw you again with another girl. Getting on a moped?’
‘Oh yeah. That was …’ There’s a silence.
‘Oh my god,’ I say, twisting to look at him. ‘You’ve forgotten her name!’
‘I haven’t forgotten it. It’s just gone out of my head right now. You’re putting me under pressure.’
‘Yeah, you’re right,’ I say. ‘I shouldn’t expect you to remember the last two girls you hooked up with, that’s so unfair of me.’
‘You’re being sarcastic now, right?’ he says and I can hear the smile in his voice.
I laugh. ‘Fuck off.’
‘Maria!’ he says. ‘That was Maria. Maria with the moped.’
‘That’s a handy reminder.’
‘I didn’t need a reminder. Maria. Similar situation to Carolina, really. Did you have a question?’
‘Just …’ I bite my lip, finding a loose tag of skin and worrying it with my teeth. ‘You knew I was in Rome. Did you want me to see?’
Luke blows out a breath. ‘Fuck.’
I roll onto my side and look at him in the half-light. He’s still on his back, looking up at the ceiling.
‘I didn’t, like, plan it,’ he says. ‘But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about you seeing me with them. Both of them.’
‘Because you wanted to hurt me?’ I ask. My voice comes out small and squeaky and I want to kick myself.
‘I think … no. Not really that I wanted to hurt you. I – I mean, I didn’t sit down and think about this. Like, I didn’t go out with Carolina thinking that maybe you’d see us. But I think it was in the back of my mind that if you did see us it might, like … focus your mind.’
I roll back onto my back and join Luke in looking up at the ceiling.
‘I know that sounds shitty,’ Luke says. ‘But, yeah, I was kind of … trying to make you jealous.’
There’s a thin crack in the ceiling and I follow it with my eyes, wondering what would happen if it gave in. If the ceiling fell in and buried me and Luke in the rubble and we’d be found on the bed together.
‘Can we talk about what happened after the funeral?’ he says, gently.
I feel a flicker of shame in my stomach and I want to tell him no.
‘Yes,’ I say, my face heating.
‘It was good,’ he says. ‘I think … I think you thought I stopped you because I wasn’t into it.’
I close my eyes. I think I can talk about it, but I absolutely can’t look at him while I talk about it.
‘That wasn’t why,’ he says. ‘I wanted you too. I called you. After the funeral. I called more than once.’
‘I know,’ I say, quietly. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘I broke up with Hannah.’
‘I know,’ I say. ‘Toby told me.’
‘No, I mean, I broke up with Hannah because of what happened. Because I wanted to be with you.’
‘Oh my god,’ I say. I feel like something is cracking inside me. How did I fuck everything up so badly?
‘I like you, Milly,’ Luke says. ‘But I don’t want to be a distraction. I don’t want to be someone you have to get drunk to be with. If anything’s going to happen between us, I want you to know exactly what you’re doing and be happy about it.’
‘I don’t –’ I start. ‘It’s just hard for me. All of this. Particularly now. I don’t … I don’t want to get hurt.’
‘I know,’ Luke says. ‘Me neither.’