In order to prove yourself that you’re not in love with someone, you have to admit to yourself that you love them first. Because you cannot know whether something is or isn’t if you didn’t even understand it in the first place.
One thing I knew for sure was that the girl who stood in front of me, whoever she might’ve been, wasn’t invited by Blake. In the last few days, all Blake did was either work, sleep, or annoy me, being around me 24/7. Also, he wasn’t at his home for two days, and for some reason, I took that girl to be the one he shagged, the one Alfred and Melissa complained about.
“Now, who the hell are you? Where is Blake?” she asked me, anger dripping her voice as I took it had hints of…what? Jealousy? I took my time staring at her perfectly shaped nose, wondering if it was natural. My first instincts were to get rid of her. And why didn’t I have a nose like that?
For better or worse, I think I knew what to do to find out the truth.
“Who am I? And who the hell are you?” Seriously, I’m not the one half-naked in your room. Why was she like that? How did she get inside when no one was at home!
“I’m Blake’s girlfriend, and sorry if he brought you here for one night stand. He’s quite the player.” She giggled. I tried to hide my glare, and it was already pretty obvious that she was lying. And come on, his girlfriend badmouthing him?
I remember Melissa complaining to me that Blake was as single as fuck—her words, not mine, so I was sure that she was falsely imposing on me, not to mention that he was also engaged to me. It’s not like he would have had time…At that moment, I decided to go along, to check if her words had some truth or not.
“What? No way. He was so sweet! There’s no way that he could do something so cruel.” I fake-gasped. I noticed a small smirk came up her face. I worked in a family dinner restaurant. I knew how to read moods of people to immediately know if they like what I brought or something, except for Blake.
Blake, I couldn’t read.
“I know. I tried so many times to stop his player ways, but it was useless…I don’t even know why I became his girlfriend. We even got engaged last night.” Yeah right, and I got engaged with his twin on the same day. I was sure with that statement that she wasn’t saying a single ounce of truth.
“Oh God, poor you. I would break up with him immediately, you know. You must be a really nice person to endure that all.” The thing with couples is that they don’t cheat. If they do, that’s not a relationship. They don’t care about each other. They just like the idea of being in a so-called relationship that they didn’t end, so they chose to cheat. If you, after all, love someone, then you wouldn’t even think of sleeping with someone else.
Trying to excuse yourself by saying that it was just a little accident? It takes just as much effort to cheat as it does to get into a relationship. You meet, talk, kiss, keep silent about it, meet behind your partner’s back, still hear from each other, make a deal, choose the place, go there, take off your clothes, kiss again, sleep. And you call that a single mistake? No, that’s all planned thoroughly. You don’t keep secrets like it’s a normal thing to you! Especially from someone you supposedly care about, especially as you keep secrets little by little.
“What can I say? I’m head over heels with him.” She sighed dreamingly. That was maybe the only truth she said, but then again if she were willing to talk peacefully to the girl he brought, then I’d say that she didn’t even love him, just the idea that she’s with him. “I’m Regina, by the way,” she stated. My eyes slightly widened.
Hearing her name only confirmed my doubts about her. She really was the girl Mel and Al talked about days ago.
“Oh, such a pretty name.” Surely, but Regwitch is much better. I had a weird habit of giving people funny names when I disliked them. Blake’s was BlaBlator one time. Don’t ask; I warned you, and he was talking too much.
“I’m Kaley, by the way.” I offered my hand to her. She shook it, and I smiled. She glanced at my hand, and I followed her eyes, which were looking at my engagement ring. Oh, I forgot that one.
“Oh, you cheating on your fiancée?” She had that smug grin on her face I so wanted to wipe off. Not only did I not cheat on him by sleeping with others, but I didn’t even sleep with him either. I’m practically a nun.
One that lost her faith.
I only gave her a huge fake smile I was sure even she would be able to see through, and before I could say anything, Blake’s voice came loudly from the entrance.
“What the hell are you doing here?”
Talk about Prince Charming and his timing.
“Oh c’mon, you know why I’m here, sunny.” I cringed. Sunny. No, just no. That nickname and Blake just didn’t go together no matter what. Blake was more of the moon than the sun if we’re gonna look at it like that. He isn’t cheerful or bright as the sun. Neither is he trying to get attention. He is more of the silent yet alluring type, carefully observing yet unknowingly alluring. I could draw that scene—on the balcony, no clothes on Blake, full moon behind him.
For a second, I pushed my thoughts away, focusing on the two of them. I decided to play a bit with him, just to pique his interest.
“How dare you, Blake? Cheat on your lovely fiancée here. Just look at her. How sweet and charming she is!” I mocked in the most serious voice I had. He raised his eyebrow, staring at me like I grew another head. He crossed his arms before switching his attention to me, confusion getting more to him as he finally spoke.
“What the—” he started, but I interrupted him.
“That’s it. Our engagement is over. I’m leaving.”
It hurt. I don’t know why but it hurt so much to say those words out loud as my voice quivered. He stared at me helplessly. I didn’t know what I had done. I was about to correct things when Regina chose to make her presence even more known.
“What?” His voice didn’t bother me as much as his eyes did. I shook my head before choosing to get away, unable to spend another second by his side, believing that I broke something while I shouldn’t have.
“Goodbye,” was all I said before I brushed past him and got out of the kitchen, heading toward somewhere I could be left alone.
I messed up. I messed up. I messed up.
Hearing yells from the kitchen, I walked further ahead. Seeing the familiar doors of his office, I chose that place. I chose to hide there. Why and how, I don’t know.
I think that I just wanted to make Blake control his exes. Maybe it dawned on me that he trusted them enough to give them keys to his house when he didn’t even bother to give me a chance before labeling me as a gold digger. In the beginning, I thought that if he found me, I could go babbling how he hurt me with the way she treated me; more lies will make him feel guilty, and then he’ll learn his lesson. I didn’t know.
I no longer knew anything.
Was I actually jealous of that girl? To be jealous, I had to love Blake, but no, I didn’t. It simply liked him and felt grateful for him for giving me a home, nothing less and nothing more.
I had to admit I found him handsome, and that was probably why I liked him. I was slightly attracted to him. I found it interesting how he could be sweet from time to time. But I didn’t love him.
How could I say that I loved him when I didn’t even understand him at all? Maybe in the far future, I could fall for him, but not even that was sure. That was not how I envisioned my future. It was not how I saw my relationship with Blake.
Hatred. Yes, that’s what I thought I would feel, but no. Why? Why was it that my heart tore apart when I saw that look on his face? When I saw how hurt he was?
All I could feel about him is gratitude. All I could do with him is to confide.
I sighed, wondering as to what was he doing to me. I couldn’t think properly about anything with him on my mind, and it’s definitely not because I loved him or something.
“Kaley!” Hearing his voice from the outside of the office, I wondered if I should stay or go to him.
“I’m here.” I realized what I did only after I said that. My voice betrayed me as I called out to him, giving my position away.
How do I face him?
I screwed. I really screwed this one.
“Kaley! Where?” It was too late, anyway.
“Your office.” My voice once again acted on its own. The doors opened, revealing the reason why my mind had been so occupied for days now.
“Look, I swear I didn’t know that she’s here. I haven’t talked with her even since I found you that day.” He didn’t scream at me or something. He was the one that was scared instead. His eyes wide, he didn’t bother to hide his feelings as he came closer to me. He kneeled down, and we were face to face. I was hugging my knees. He didn’t know how to approach me.
I screwed up.
“It’s alright, I know,” I mumbled, my head hung low in shame. He didn’t fake it. He was genuinely afraid of my reaction.
I screwed up.
“I swear I…What?” His fear went away. Then confusion covered his face. How could I say anything to him now? How could I dare to do so? I wronged him.
“I guess that—no, I never really doubted you, but I decided to go along with her lie. I don’t know what got to me. I’m so sorry. I made you worried for no reason.” No, it wasn’t supposed to go like this. I couldn’t follow my plan. I could no longer even remember my plan as I faced him. I just knew that I didn’t want to lie to him anymore. He didn’t lie to me. He never…
“Damn it, woman. I was scared shi—I mean, don’t do that ever again, alright? You have really made me worry—” His face softened. I only stared at him. Why? Why was he so…“Kaley, oh God.” The next thing I knew was that his fingers were on my face, wiping away the tears I didn’t even know were there.
“I’m sorry…I–I’m just so confused…” I didn’t mean to say that. His hands went around me, hugging me, embracing me in his warmth. He had so much to give to others, yet he seemed like he knew nothing about that. Like he didn’t know how big of a person he really was. Why? Why was it that his face looked so hurt when I said I was leaving him? I was nothing to him. He didn’t love me. I was just his arranged fiancée. A mother to his future son. No deep feelings between us.
Stop.
My mind went back to what it did best: forgetting, letting go of every single feeling I had, and focusing on something else. I changed the conversation.
“What is the story behind her arrival here, then?” I asked. He pulled away and sat beside me.
“Oh that,” he started. “You know that I wasn’t a saint, right? I mean, if you heard anything about me,” he said, and I nodded. I was rather familiar with that story.
“Yeah, Mel told me a thing or two about you before.” That one was true. She just never said who he really was when she was talking about Blake. She’d mostly talk about him not being able to settle down and all that crap.
“Oh well, Regina was my…often fling. How should I say it? I slept with many, but she was the one that didn’t mind other girls and would always come back…Of course, it was because of my money, I think.” He chuckled. Hollow action it was. I felt a weird pang in my chest. He had everything, but he truly had nothing. Everything he had was leading to false satisfaction, his family excluded—no, his bond with his family was edgy.
I recalled what they told me. They hadn’t seen him laugh in a while.
He didn’t even have a proper bond with his own flesh and blood.
“Oh…She said that you two got engaged yesterday, though. Very vivid imagination, I’d say?” I tried to make him smile if nothing else. Engaged to two different women on the same night—that was sure to take out a playful Blake.
“That’s because, apparently, our fathers made a deal with our companies, and that bastard wanted to announce our ‘engagement’ yesterday at the party in the name of our ‘new’ partnership. How dare he? He doesn’t even have right to make decisions in my company’s doings!” My eyes widened. Not only did his father make a move in the business field that belonged to Blake completely, but he also engaged him to someone behind his own son’s back?
“I…” I didn’t know what to say. I could never imagine Ryan as a father figure doing that to me. I couldn’t believe that parents were able to do something so…gruesome.
“She was more than willing to accept that offer, and they thought that I’ll agree with it as well. I’m just interested who the fuck allowed that partnership when Lucas was not, under no circumstances, allowed to step inside! I’m going to murder him once I get my hands on him.” He gripped his knuckle. I immediately reacted as I put my arms around him to calm him down.
“It’s alright. Nothing’s going to happen now. They will stop with that plan.”
He scoffed. I gave a poor excuse of a raised eyebrow, making him roll his eyes and smile.
“Thanks, Kay.” I think that I finally got to understand Blake’s resentment for his father, even for a bit. That man seemed like he was doing things that would benefit only him without even thinking about other people’s feelings. Thinking back again, I remembered Blake had said something about his sister and not being able to talk about her with Lucas around. Could it be that his father had something to do with his sister’s death?
I didn’t even want to think about that.
“Alright, food. I’m hungry! We’re going to cook. Or I am, and I’m going to teach you in the meantime,” he said before getting up and giving me a hand to take as he pulled me to my feet.
“I’m not responsible for burning down the house then.”
“Sure, munchkin.” I was going to kill him. The nickname was sweet and all, but too much. It’s like I was just a kid!
“Die!” was the only thing I could say, and he just laughed.
“Who’ll you cuddle with then?” he asked mockingly. I pouted.
“Ayden.” Ha, playful Blake made his appearance.
“Oh, you brat, come here.” And with that, he threw me across his shoulders. I only sighed. “I’m not letting you cuddle with someone else.”
“What am I, five?” I yelled, hitting his back, his butt, as I willingly admit, looked great from there. Had he always worn tight pants?
“Something like that, munchkin.” He chuckled. Now that I thought, he actually had.
“Put me down!”
“Only if you say that you won’t cuddle with anyone besides me and that I’m the sexiest and the best fiancé in the world whose bones you’d like to jump on.”
What? No! There was absolutely no way in hell I’d ever do that.
“It’s more like I’d like to dump your bones in some junkyard or feed the dogs with.” I’d rather die than say that.
“Then stop complaining and let me take you to the kitchen. Ever had a midnight snack night?” What? No? Did that even exist? Has Blake done something un-businessman-like in the past I was not aware of? I just couldn’t imagine him eating in the midnight with joy. He’s more of a serious type.
“I’m usually dead asleep at midnight.” I had a lot of jobs in the past, so I’d always go to sleep earlier.
“In that case, it’s a deal. We’re going to make food to eat at midnight.”
“You ate like three hours ago. It’s only ten o’clock now.” Where did all that food go to? I loved conversations like this with Blake. They truly made me alive and happy.
“So what? I’m still hungry. Let’s give you your medicines and go to the kitchen to prepare some food.” This was why I hated him. He would suddenly make a decision; then, make me join his silly train of “one leads, the rest follows” like I won’t even complain.
“Why are you so possessive? Are you into BDSM or what?” Seriously, I don’t know if I was more surprised at myself for asking that question or because he actually might’ve been. Blake is Blake. You could never know.
“I’m surprised you know about that. Are you interested in it so you chose to find out about it?”
“Why, you do know that the same goes for you?”
“True, but to answer your previous question, I’m not,” he said. I sighed in relief. “Why are you asking? Are you into it?”
How the hell did we get to this, anyway?
“What? No! Not my innocent self.” This conversation and its outcome were definitely not what I had in mind when I saw Regina.
“Ha, you’re the devil’s spawn.” He put me back on my feet. I was grateful that I could use them again. Not really an interesting thing to be carried like a sack of potatoes.
“I am not!”
“Yeah, yeah. Keep saying that to yourself, maybe you’ll get convinced in that lie.” Why was he so difficult? I loved playful Blake, but not when he turned against me.
“If I’m the devil’s spawn, then you are the devil yourself.”
“That means that I’m your master, so you have to listen to me.” He grinned. I let out a tired groan before I entered the kitchen and sat on the first chair I saw.
“You do know that most of the slaves in the past used to kill their masters?”
“That was the past. They aren’t doing it now anymore.”
“The only relationship between slaves and masters now is BDSM.”
“How did we get back to that point?” he asked, and I shrugged, defeated. He took my words from my mouth.
“Beats me if I know.”
“That sounds so wrong…considering what we’re talking about.” He sighed an I-was-so-stopping-here-before-we-dug-ourselves-an-even-deeper-grave type of sigh. He took the bags of food and gave me my new razor. Pure disbelief crossed my face. Blake was really something else. Only he could be so relaxed with women’s stuff.
I, however, smiled when he turned his back on me. Now I knew why I felt so bad when I saw his face. Now I knew why he was so hurt when I said I was leaving.
People betrayed him all the time, the closest coming from his father and the worst from women he once hoped loved him for being himself alone. I could reject it all the time, but I knew it was precisely because I was so sure about that one thing. Blake cared for me.
Because I was one of those who didn’t stab him in his back, betray, or use him.
And then my thoughts drifted to another matter as I shook my head immediately, rejecting the idea.
It was impossible that the same applied to my whole “I don’t love him” thing as well, right?
Right?