Chapter 12

Logan

 

 

I’m back at my apartment and Matt is seated comfortably on the couch and watching Ru Paul’s Drag Race. “Hey babe. How’d it go?” He asks when I walk in, while he’s munching on tortilla chips and salsa.

I take off my jacket and tie and I almost cannot believe the turn of events this night has taken. On the way home, I began having second thoughts about what I did with Andrew.

Did I make a bad decision? Will I regret it? 

I realize that the doubts will never go away completely though. I’m not that naïve to think that from here on everything is going to be hunky dory, but at the same time, what good does it do to make up these what-if scenarios about future events that may or may not ever happen?

Whatever comes to fruition, I’ll deal with it and the best thing I can do is live in the present and hope for the best outcome.

“What’s going on with you, cookie?” Matt pauses the show and looks at me quizzically. “You seem different.”

That’s the problem with having life-long friends… as much as you try to avoid it, nothing ever seems to get past them.

“I’ll get to the point,” I start out by saying. “I gave Andrew Patterson a blowjob tonight.”

Matt looks at me wide-eyed.

“You did not!” He throws a pillow across the room. “Why, you little whore,” he says.

I can’t help but blush. I have to admit, that was a little out of my character, but in all honestly, it was wild fun. It felt freeing to do something like that.

I hear Matt shout. “Well, don’t walk away from me now. Give me the details.”

But I’ve already headed to my room and begin to undress. “Hold on,” I call out. I slip into a comfortable pair of sweats and a tank top and come back out.

Matt is watching my every move with a smirk on his face. “Alright, spill it.”

I’m enjoying having Matt live with me. Since college, I’ve mostly come home to an empty house and it’s now a refreshing change to come home and find your best friend waiting for you. I enjoy the companionship and having someone to talk to.

“I saw him at the other side of the room,” I say as I sit down next to Matt. “I don’t know. He just looked so hot standing there. So I decided to go and talk to him.”

Matt hands me the bowl of chips and sits in the lotus position facing me. “Uh huh,” he says excitedly. “Yeah, yeah yeah, get to the good part. How big was his dick?”

I roll my eyes and continue. “Something changed in me after being next to him. I just wanted to kiss him when I first laid eyes on him.”

Matt leans his arm on the couch and places his hand on the side of his head. “Dude, from what you told me about him, you should grab on to him and not let go.”

Then I begin giving Matt what he wants. I shake my head and start. “You wouldn’t believe how gorgeous he is. Fucking six foot five at least… smoldering good looks and killer body. And to answer your question, yes it was big… like so big I couldn’t take it all in my mouth.”

“Let’s hope he’s a top,” Matt says, then pauses before hitting his head. “Of course he’s a top, duh, he’s married to a woman.”

Then he stops again like he’s thinking. “But you know… sometimes those married guys are big ole bottoms when they finally come out.”

I can’t help but laugh at the way Matt is talking. When I think about what Matt’s saying, I shiver at the thought of Andrew’s cock coming near my hole. I tell him, “You might think twice about that if you saw it. I mean, it could do some damage.”

Matt laughs. “It’s all about relaxation.” Then he quickly changes the subject. “So did you go to a hotel? His place? Where’d you do the dirty deed?”

Suddenly I feel like a schoolgirl talking about her first blowjob to her cheerleader friend.

“It was there. At the University Club. Down some dark hallway in an even darker closet.”

Matt opens his mouth wide. “You really are a ho!”

Even though Matt is joking with me, there must be a small part of him that is shocked. We are always honest and up front with each other about our exploits, yet I don’t think an opportunity such as this has ever presented itself to me before.

Matt gets up and gets a beer out of the refrigerator and asks if I want one before sitting back down. “So, what’s next? I don’t want to see you get hurt by this guy.”

Then, sounding even more concerned, he says,“You know it can be a little dicey situation to get attached to a married man.”

I appreciate Matt’s interest in protecting me and he certainly has a valid point. I tell him, “Trust me, Matt. Don’t think that I haven’t thought of this a million times already.” I remain quiet for about half a minute… thinking. Then I continue. “But I don’t know, there’s something about him. My gut tells me he’s an okay guy and that he has a big heart.”

Matt shakes his head. “Cookie, I just hope you’re not dickmatized by this man.” He hesitates, before finally saying. “But if he’s like you say he is, I’d probably do the same thing.”

His subsequent laughter quickly turns serious when he says, “I certainly was when I first met Gage and look how that turned out.”

I’ve been so focused on myself, I almost forgot to ask about Matt and how he’s doing. I wanted a little time to pass before having a discussion about his ex and a little normalcy in his life before getting into this discussion.

I take his hand. “How are you doing honey? It hasn’t been that long since your breakup.” That’s when Matt’s demeanor changes even further when he places his head down, looking more contemplative. He then leans back all the way into the couch and stares up toward the ceiling.

His eyes slightly tear up before speaking. “I’m not going to sugar coat it… I’ve been crying myself to sleep every night. This was the longest relationship I’ve ever had and five years of my life I’ll never get back. I can’t believe it was all based on a lie.”

I put a pillow under his neck and watch as a tear falls out of one of his now closed eyes.

He goes on to say, “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to resist picking up the phone and calling him. Every time I’m about to though, I can’t help but think about the huge betrayal and hurt he’s hurled upon me.”

Even though what Matt is going through is a tremendous amount to deal with, I think the only way he’s ever going to work through it is by doing what he’s doing now. That is, confronting it head on and getting it off his chest.

I ask Matt, “Did you ever think about seeing someone? A therapist or counselor?”

He looks at me, then looks back up at the ceiling and shakes his head. “I’ve thought about it.”

Matt then moves closer to me and leans his head on my shoulder where I begin to stroke his hair. I like having a friend I can feel so relaxed and open with that we can comfort each other in an intimate way.

Matt and I were both bullied during our adolescence and we’ve been protective of each other since the very beginning of our friendship. That bond created a safe space where we felt open to share our innermost thoughts and feelings with one another.

“Think about it,” I tell him. “It helped me a lot when I went through that rough patch in college, when I was questioning whether law school was the right path for me to take.”

Matt nods and softly says, “I’ll think about it.”

He closes his eyes again and we lie there for several minutes in silence.

I am staring at the TV screen that is paused on some drag queen with bright green hair, exaggerated makeup and a feather boa wrapped around her neck. The now frozen facial features are silly and comical looking, but that often seems to be the case when you pause the screen while anyone is talking.

Soon I begin to hear Matt breathing heavier and I think he’s fallen asleep next to me.

Gently, I begin to get up off the couch and whisper, “Why don’t you go to your room?”

I take his hand and lift him from the couch and we walk to the bedroom area I set up by the corner window. I tuck Matt into bed and turn off the TV and lights before heading to my bedroom.

I lay in bed for several minutes, thinking about Matt, then Andrew, before falling asleep.

 

*****

 

The next day when I awake, Matt is in the kitchen making breakfast. After opening my bedroom curtains, I look down towards the street and see an older woman try and cross the street in heavy traffic. Then someone from behind takes her arm and helps her.

“Hi babe. How’d you sleep?” I ask after entering the kitchen.

Matt nods, “Good.” Then asks if I’d like breakfast that he’s prepared, consisting of fresh fruit and steel-cut oatmeal. I tell him yes and thank him.

Oatmeal and fruit will be a perfect breakfast to give me energy for today’s run. Last night after the event, Andrew asked and I agreed to meet today in the park.

Matt stops what he’s doing momentarily and looks across the kitchen island to me. “Thanks for listening to me last night. Thanks for putting me to bed too. The last time I slept on that couch, I had a sore neck for days.”

I laugh because I clearly recall the night he’s referring to. Gage was out of town and we had a party night at my loft, watching Paranormal Activity, All About Eve and Scream, back to back.

I look at Matt. “Can you believe how much we drank that night?” I’m trying to remember what we actually drank. I think it may have been margaritas or frozen mojitos… something like that.

Matt laughs. “Oh my god. I passed out on that couch like a sloppy drunken whore.”

I join in with his laughter while he looks upward like he’s reminiscing about the night. He says, “I probably had drool coming out of my mouth all night.”

Then he focuses his attention towards me. “Weren’t you sprawled out somewhere on the floor yourself?”

We both laugh again. Matt sets the table and before we sit down to eat, I first go to the door to get the morning paper. I begin reading and after five or so minutes eating in silence Matt says, “I hope I’m not being an imposition by being here.” 

I tell him he’s being silly and add, “Matt, honey. You can stay here as long as you’d like. We’re best friends and that’s what best friends do…we help each other out. I like having you here.”

Matt purses his lips and nods. “Hey, we should have another movie party tonight.”

I look up from my newspaper. “Okay. Sure.”

Just then I’m alerted to a text message. “Andrew,” it says, so I open it up.

It reads: “Park. Noon by the pond?”

Matt looks at me mischievously. “Oohh is that your big daddy texting you?”

I smile. “Yes.”

“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,” he says.

I continue to stare at the paper, but my mind suddenly wanders back to last night and how Andrew’s touch felt… his passionate kisses and sweet sounding voice. I recall back to that first moment when Andrew suggested we leave the party and how my anticipation grew by the second as we scoured the halls before finding our little dark room.

Suddenly, I hear Matt’s voice. “If you’re not going to read that paper, pass it on to me.”

Nothing gets past Matt.

I finally text back. “Yes” and add a smiley face.

After a quick warmup and changing into shorts and long sleeved tee, I’m out the door. Fall has officially arrived and the cooler breezes are a welcome relief. A New York autumn in Central Park has always seemed to me like one of the most romantic places on earth.

This time of year always feels to me like an added aliveness and vibrancy is permeating throughout the city. The fall foliage in Central Park creates such a tapestry of color and dynamic energy, I don’t see how anyone cannot feel both happy and awestruck by its beauty. Seeing the stunningly rich yellow of the elm trees alone is worth a trip to this great city. 

The first Sunday in November is only three weeks away and that means the New York City Marathon will be here before you know it. I’m proud that I’ve stuck to my strict regimen of training and haven’t missed a day yet.

I’m getting closer to the pond now and can see that Andrew is sitting alone on a bench. As I approach, he notices me and gives me a warm smile before a sweet “Hi Logan!”

I sit next to him and immediately feel a bond… a closeness. I want to reach over and kiss him, but have to remember to do this sort of thing on his terms. So I refrain and instead place my hand on his leg, whereupon he places his hand on top of mind.

Andrew takes out his Fitbit. “Do you want to do the full run?” he asks.

After last night, I feel closer to Andrew now than I ever have before and I’d love nothing more than to swoop him up in my arms right now. I hope there comes a day when I’ll be able to show my love for him openly, not just in private.

“Yeah,” I say. “Let’s do it. Are you warmed up?”

Andrew nods and stands up. We begin our run north past the zoo and continue up past the reservoir all the way to 110th street to the west side and back. That route takes us basically around the entire park, which is a little over six miles total.

We begin running relatively close to one other and every so often we catch each other’s eyes and smile. For a moment I feel as though I’m in some romantic movie with the perfect Cinderella story of meeting Prince Charming. I know there will definitely be obstacles ahead of us, but for just this moment I want to believe in my little fairy tale and that everything is perfect.

Just then, I realize we’re coming up on the tunnel where Andrew and I had our first kiss.

“Do you want to stop here a bit?” Andrew says to me.

The thought had crossed my mind, but I don’t know if I’m ready to be reminded of something that turned out to be so confusing.

Not that I think that Andrew would repeat the scenario of the first kiss and run away again. But I’d rather forget that moment for now and possibly relive it another day when I don’t have to think about what followed the kiss.

And to be honest, I’m a little scared that somehow it would jinx what is going on between us right now.

“Let’s keep going.” I say.

Andrew nods and says. “Okay. But I would love it if you’d kiss me sometime today.”

Just then I feel my heart warm when I begin to think of Andrew’s lips pressed up against my own. Our energy towards each other today feels different and as if some of the barriers that previously stood in our way are beginning to subside.

We’ve done about half or more of our run so far, but suddenly I can no longer focus on running because all of my attention is on Andrew. “I can’t concentrate anymore,” I tell him and then begin to slow down. Andrew slows too until we both come to a stop.

We’re in a pretty secluded section of the park and surrounded by trees, when Andrew suddenly wraps his arms around me and we begin to kiss.

The kiss is magical, like the one we had last night, but even better because I get to actually see and experience him fully. He stops momentarily and I stare into his piercing blue eyes.

I ask him, “Do you want to do something else?”

He furrows his eyebrows ever so slightly and asks me, “Really? Like what?”

“Would you like to come over to my place for… I don’t know… a cup of coffee or something?”

Now normally if I was dating someone, I probably wouldn’t feel as apprehensive about an invitation to my home. But with Andrew, I want to tread lightly and don’t want to imply that I’m inviting him over for sex because I’m not.

It’s not that I don’t want to have sex with him; I’m just trying to take it slow. Giving Andrew a blow job in a pitch black broom closet is one thing, but I don’t want to push him into anything he’s not ready for and would rather let him ease into it and leave the ball in his court. I don’t want to pretend to know what’s going through his mind, so for now I’ll just tame my libido and follow his cues.

Andrew smiles warmly. “Yes, I’d love to go back to your place.”

And so we do, with my pulse picking up the entire way… and not from the fact that we were just running.