“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Erin says, staring around the massive room Slater put me in.

I’m not sure about anything right now, all I know is that I’m not safe and the only place I’ll be safe is here, with Slater. Combining his protection, and the clubs protection, is what might just keep me out of the hands of that monster. And I’m willing to put myself in a little bit of an uncomfortable situation, to make sure that I remain out of his grasps.

“You and I both know it’s the only option, Erin,” I smile at her, trying to make her feel less panicked.

It doesn’t work, because she knows me, and she knows my smiles. She knows that smile was so damned forced it isn’t funny.

“You’re not convincing anyone, Ellie. Not even yourself...”

“Perhaps not, but I do have to do this. They’re going to keep me safe. Tonight...tonight scared me. I don’t ever want to feel that awful fear again. I was so sure he was going to take me...”

My voice wavers, and I look away. Erin scoots over and throws her arms around me, hanging onto me. “I’m so sorry I didn’t answer. And I’ll talk to Tatiana about leaving you, she knows-”

“No,” I say firmly, pulling back. “No, this is not her fault. She didn’t want to leave. I insisted. I should have gone with her, this isn’t on her.”

Erin nods, understanding. “Yeah, okay. But honey, things are dangerous now, you have to be...more careful. Be more aware.”

“Yeah, I know,” I tell her.

“Do you want me to stay with you tonight?”

I shake my head. “You have to work really early tomorrow, and you have nothing here. Go home, get some rest. I’m okay here.”

“But you’re not familiar with this place, or Slater, and I know you’re uncomfortable right now.”

“Yeah,” I admit, because it’s the truth, I am. “But I know I’m safe, and Slater won’t hurt me. So, I’ll be okay.”

Erin exhales. “Okay, well, I’m going to call you first thing, and come and see you as soon as I’m finished work tomorrow, okay?”

“Okay,” I say, trying not to look upset, even though I feel it.

So bad.

Erin hugs me, and we say our goodbyes, then she leaves.

When she’s gone, I have a shower, get changed into some clothes she ran home and got me, and then look around the huge room. It’s lovely. There is a huge bed right in the middle of the room, and a big desk looking out the large window. I even have my own bathroom. This house, it’s incredible, and homely. I can see why the boys haven’t let it go.

My mind drifts to Slater, and I wonder what he’s doing right now?

Am I making him uncomfortable, also?

I decide to go downstairs and get some water, I can’t sleep without some by my bed. I tiptoe out of the room and down the stairs, walking through the halls until I reach the kitchen. Only when I get to the kitchen do I realize my body automatically led me here. I haven’t yet been into the kitchen, and somehow, instinctively, I knew where it was.

My chest clenches.

I wish my mind and body would meet up, hell, even somewhere in the middle.

I open the fridge and get out some cold water, pouring it into a glass. Then I put it back and turn around, squealing a little when I see Slater standing at the counter, shirtless, hair messy like he’s been laying down. His eyes on me. For a moment, we stare in awkward silence, and then he says, “You okay?”

I nod, holding up the glass. “Water.”

“You can’t sleep without it.”

He’s stating a fact he knows, not asking a question.

And it only frustrates me more that I can’t remember.

I’m wide awake, the events of the night having stolen my sleep. I look to Slater, and say, “Can I ask you something?”

He looks at me, and then murmurs, “Yeah, if you’ll let me ask you something.”

That’s fair.

I nod and walk out of the kitchen and into the living room, sitting on the sofa and crossing my legs. He follows, sitting on the sofa across from me, and leaning forward, elbows on his knees, causing his muscles to pull and tighten. I try not to look, but it’s hard. It’s so damned hard. He’s beautiful in every way it counts, and I am still a woman, regardless of everything I’ve been through.

And I still have urges.

And I still crave the touch of a man.

Which is something I’ve had very little of.

I think.

“You wanna go first,” he says, looking into my eyes with that intensity that makes me squirm.

“Yeah,” I nod. “Yeah of course. I, ah, I wanted to ask you...and it’s okay if you don’t want to answer but...”

I swallow.

“Spit it out, Ellie. Not goin’ to make it hard for you. You can talk to me.”

I nod. “What happened...to get me in the hands of whoever sold me to Paul?”

Slater’s eyes flash, and he looks away for a moment, pain and regret filling his vision. I already know it has something to do with him, payment of some sort. I’d overheard conversations in the past about me being payment for someone’s mistake. I have figured out enough to know that mistake is Slater’s.

“Lincoln got into some shit. Got himself tangled up with the wrong people. I tried to help him out, clear his name, so we could go back to normal. Got myself tangled in that shit and fucked up. Got told they’d make me pay, starting with anyone close to me. So, I broke up with you. Broke your heart, but if you weren’t in my life, they couldn’t touch you. I thought I was protecting you, and it nearly killed me watching your heart break, for something that wasn’t even real. And then you went missing. Days went by, and I couldn’t find you. You got taken by the man I was working for, and he sold you for payment. That’s when I started working for Shanks. He knew the man. Knew about you. And told me if I was loyal to him, worked for him, he would help me find you...”

“And he didn’t,” I whisper, chest tight with emotions.

“No, he fuckin’ didn’t. He’d give me a snippet, just a fuckin’ snippet, enough to keep me workin’ for him. Eventually, as the years passed by, I became emptier and emptier, an emotionless shell working for him. Only when Charlie came along, did I have hope of actually starting a search for you again. But don’t think I didn’t look, Ellie. Every fuckin’ day of my life was spent wondering, every year that passed by I tried to find different ways to locate you. But I had nothing. He left no trail. It was empty. And I shut down.”

I stare at him.

That must have been awful.

I don’t blame him for what happened to me, Lincoln...well...my heart turned a little black towards him. But Slater, no. He was only trying to protect his family, and then protect me, and it backfired. I can’t hate him for that. And I certainly can’t hate him for signing his life over to a monster to try and find me. It must have been hell, living all those years not knowing where I was.

I was living my own personal hell, but so was Slater, just in a different way.

The desperation must have nearly eaten him alive.

“I’m so sorry you had to live like that for so long.”

“Sorry,” he says, staring at me. “Sorry? Ellie, I’m the fuckin’ reason that piece of shit got you. I deserved to live in fuckin’ agony. I still deserve to live in agony. If it wasn’t for me, you and I would be married, kids, and livin’ in this house in a whole different situation than the one we’re sitting in right now.”

I shake my head. “No, you’re not the reason. Lincoln made a choice, a shitty choice, but a choice all the same. And because of that choice, you were left to fight for your family. You can’t be blamed for what happened after.”

Slater stares at me, then shakes his head. “Fuck me, Ellie. You’ve always been too kind, and too understanding. Hate me, because at the very least that’s what I deserve.”

“No,” I say, firmly, because how could I hate him?

“Fuckin’ jesus,” he barks. “I’m the reason that monster had you. Can’t you see that?”

“No, because your actions were not intentional. How can I punish you for that? You didn’t set it up for me to be taken, and then kick back while I was gone. Slater, look at you. You’re the most broken man I’ve ever laid eyes on in my life, and that’s saying something. Even if I were to be angry at you, how could I possibly punish you, when you’ve spent ten years punishing yourself in the worst way. You’ve lived with what you’ve done, you don’t deserve to live with it any longer.”

His fists clench, and he stands, storming out of the room.

I sit, shocked, confused, and mostly hurt.

I give it a few minutes, before I stand and walk through the house, until I find him on the back porch, staring out at the stars, fists still clenched, panting.

Should I leave him be?

Or should I walk over and see if he’s okay?

I take a steady breath, and I walk over, stopping behind him. My fingers itch to touch him, which is something I’m really not familiar with, so I leave my hands by my side.

“Slater, please don’t spend the rest of your life, punishing yourself for what happened to me. I can’t’ live with that. I can’t accept that. You did nothing wrong. What happened to me...it...”

Slater drops to his knees.

All that man, and muscle, and strength, just falls.

He hits the deck and his head drops into his hands. He makes a pained sound, and for a moment, I’m too choked up to move, to breathe, to even think.

To see a big man, a strong man, a powerful man, fall to his knees in pure agony, makes my heart want to fall out of my chest. The lump in my throat expands until I can barely breathe, but I let my body take me to him. I shut my mind down, and I just let my body talk, my body move, my body do what it automatically wants to do, and that’s to go over to him, and place my small hand on his large, shaking back.

He makes a wincing sound, and it breaks my heart.

It literally feels like it just splits in two.

“Slater,” I say carefully, softly, because what the hell else am I supposed to say.

He’s breaking, because he’s lived over ten years thinking that he’s the reason I got taken, that he’s the reason for my pain, that he’s the reason for everything that has gone wrong in my life.

Everything he’s built up, is now crumbling out.

I slide my hand up and down, feeling his rigid muscles. He’s so strong, so to see him on his knees, makes me feel helpless. What should I do?

“Slater,” I say again.

He makes another pained sound, and the looks up and over at me. The pained expression on his face nearly brings me to my knees. So much pain, so much that his empty eyes are finally showing. “I’m so fuckin’ sorry,” he rasps out. “Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to see you, so broken, so damaged, and knowing that it was my fault. Do you know how hard it has been, to wonder every single second of every single fuckin’ day, what’s happening to you.”

My voice trembles when I say, “You’ve lived long enough with your pain, don’t you think that’s punishment enough for every burden you’re carrying. Let it go, Slater. Don’t let it eat you alive. I know...I know because I have to tell myself this every single day.”

He turns, and his big hand comes over and curls around mine. “You have suffered so much more than me, I deserve to feel this for the rest of my life.”

“No,” I say softly. “No, you don’t.”

“I’m so fuckin’ sorry.”

He tugs, just lightly, and I let myself go, falling into his arms. And the moment my face hits his chest, and those big arms circle around me, I feel...safe. Instantly safe. Like I’ve never been so damned protected in my life. It’s such a familiar comfort, that I never want to pull away. I’ve been struggling for so long, to find something to take that ache in my chest away, to make every breath easier, to just find some piece of myself that I know, that I trust, and right now, in Slater’s arms, I feel it.

I feel something that, it seems like, I’ve almost forgotten.

I feel home.

I feel safe.

I feel loved.

I feel protected.

I feel like Ellie.

Whoever the hell that is.

I turn my face and breathe him in, and his arms close around me even tighter, clutching me as close as he can get me, hanging onto me like he’s been waiting forever for this moment. I guess, he has. He buries his face into my hair and inhales, and then, through the intense moment, he murmurs, “I’ve been waitin’ so fuckin’ long for this moment, Ellie. I know you don’t remember anything, but you have no idea how this feels for me. It’s everything and more.”

“I don’t remember,” I murmur into his shirt. “But...I feel safe with you, Slater. Like I know...like I know this is home.”

He makes a pained, almost relieved sound and hangs onto me so tight I can hardly breathe, but I don’t mind, I could stay here forever, safe and protected in his arms, and let the world pass me by without a second thought.

He pulls back after another few minutes, and looks down at me. “I promise you, even if it costs me my life, I will never, ever, ever let that fucking asshole touch you again. Do you understand me?”

I nod, swallowing and looking up at him through the tears I’ve been fighting back. “I understand you.”

“Come on, you need sleep. Been a fuckin’ long night, and you must be tired.”

My heart expands for this man.

He makes me feel so...so...safe.

“Thank you,” I tell him. “For everything you did for me tonight.”

He stares down at me. “I’d die for you, Ellie. Don’t you ever forget that.”

And now, I think I truly believe it.

~*~*~*~