Chapter 1.
Rae woke up with the vibration on her cell phone. She never used a sound mode because she has always been a light sleeper.
With her eyes half closed, she reluctantly got out of bed and walked towards the bathroom. Warm water on her face made her feel more aroused. She glanced into the mirror. Tangled hair, dark circles under her eyes and pale skin made her look weary. She was working on her thesis all night. However, after a touch of concealer, mascara and blush, she found herself looking quite decent. She put on dark jeans and a white blouse she had prepared yesterday evening and stormed out of her tiny apartment.
It was a cold January morning and she pulled her beanie hat down and lowered her face into a collar of her warm-bodied jacket. The holidays have just passed, but the snow was still there. While people only saw chaos in it, she loved snow. That white layer covering all the dirt in the world made everything so pure, at least for a little while.
She had to catch the bus because she had an early appointment with her mentor, and prof. Landon did not like delays.
If it was any other day, she would use a 15 minute walk to the campus, but that morning was terribly cold, and her bus had just arrived in front of her nose.
“Thank you karma”; the thought crossed her mind. Still, before entering the bus she couldn't resist getting a cup of coffee at a nearby stand. It was a habit since she was a little girl. She would have made mom, or grandmother pour a few drops of that divine brown liquid in her morning milk. Over time, the ratio of milk and coffee changed, but the practice hadn’t. Winter mornings with her family were something she always liked to remember.
When she finally sat down at the bus, she reminded herself to check the email. Being a digital hoarder, her phone memory was always full so her mails couldn't arrive without opening the app itself. She deleted a few photos, an e-book she had already read and wasn't impressed by, and a few songs that didn't turn out catchy. She pulled her finger over the screen to refresh email application and her face lit up.
“You have one unread message,” it said. From Nathaniel Summers. Nate.
Nate was family (kind of), a friend, a counselor. He advised her, entertained her, annoyed her, and sometimes even guided her. Yet, even if she tried, she couldn't define exactly what he was to her.
Holland family and Nate went far in the past. Rae's grandmother and grandfather had always considered him a nephew, even though there was no blood relation. However, he had been present in her family as long as she remembers. He would always visit for special occasions and holidays, first with his parents and sister Lisa, and after their death, just him and Lisa.
Then life and business opportunities took Lisa to London and consequently, Nate as well. When Lisa settled there, she asked him to come. So naturally, he contacted and visited Rae's family less often.
However, two years ago, he returned to the United States and started working in a large IT company. Upon his return, family bonds and friendships were renewed. Only Rae was no longer a kid. She was about to get her math degree and their conversations were no longer about children's stuff. She could compete with him in everything. Politics, economics, ethics, music, movies...
Their tendency to sarcasm and humor was mutual, and that came as a welcoming surprise to Rae as she rarely found like-minded people among her peers. Although they didn't see each other face-to-face often, they communicated through emails and text messages.
Just yesterday, they initiated discussion regarding small private bookstores and chain bookstores. Rae despised the fact that business giants were destroying small businesses. It was her soft spot because her parents were small entrepreneurs (they ran a local grocery shop). As an IT consultant, Nate, however, worked with giants, so it was another debate where nobody won.
Calling a truce, Nate sent regards to entire Holland clan and a special "xo" to Rae. Smiling at the effort to make peace with her, Rae made a mental note to forward his regards to her parents and grandparents. They always loved hearing from him, even indirectly through Rae.
*
Rae showed up at Professor Landon's office just a minute before he marched in with his butterfly tie and scruffy hair. To Rae’s surprise, professor was very satisfied with her work and she only needed to add some finishing touches. As she walked out of his office, she stumbled on her friend Inez.
“Hey hottie.” Rae greeted her best friend and made her blush as always when someone would give her a compliment.
They met the first day at university. Rae couldn't decide where to sit and then she saw the silent and frightened Inez. Her radar for shy people turned on, and she started a conversation. The rest is history. They became inseparable. Inez was an introverted person, but when they were alone she was more open and quite humorous. Rae liked that because she herself wasn't a loud, pushy person. Sometimes you learn more about life observing it from a distance, she thought. Both girls were single and they spent most of their time at university or wandering around town.
Rae had one serious relationship, but it ended last summer after six months of dating. She and Luke both agreed it won’t work. There was no heartbreak, no drama or anything. Rae knew she was mostly to blame for their break-up. No matter how hard she tried, she never let him in completely. Lack of commitment on Rae’s side led to insufficient effort on Luke’s side.
But it's not that men weren't interested in Rae. She was slim but with curves. All the girls envied her long light brown hair with bangs she would always move to away from the face. Her best features were big emerald-green eyes, in combination with delicately pale complexion. She didn't consider herself beautiful, although not everyone would agree.
“You are the kind of girl who hero of a love movie would fall in love after he had granted her a second look. And after he would dump that blonde sex bomb with low IQ,” Inez once said to her.
“Hey, I don’t want to be somebody’s second choice,” Rae played offended. The truth was relationship wasn’t something she needed in her life as some women did. She also tried the whole “friends with benefits” concept once but it didn’t work out either. Relationships required too many emotions and the latter too little. Rae’s problem was that she had emotions but she refused to express them thinking it would make her weak.
That day at university, Inez also had an appointment with her mentor so when the girls were done with their engagements, they stopped by the cafeteria to get something to eat. Rae noticed she got a text from Nate, asking her to help him choose a birthday present for Lisa.
“Something pretty, tasteful, and can be sent by airmail,” he wrote.
“A male stripper. They are usually pretty, taste good and I bet they like to fly.” She responded immediately as her kinky side started to warm up.
“Now, if I get her that, I'll raise the bar to a whole new level. What am I supposed to get her next year then?” he replied.
“You’ve got a point there,” she admitted with amusement.
They agreed for him to pick her up at five pm, in front of campus. Rae hadn't seen him in a few weeks, and she nervously moved in her chair. Inez immediately started teasing.
“Let me guess. Nate?” Inez put her forefingers on her temples, pretending to read Rae’s mind.
“How did you know?” Rae asked semi-surprised.
“You look like you were just caught stealing a chocolate bar in a store. While relishing it,” Inez said laughing.
“You should write a book Inez. You truly have a vivid imagination.” Rae gently tapped her shoulder with a notebook and grinned. Then she grew serious. Inez was somewhat right. Rae couldn't exactly describe her feelings for Nate. Every time she saw him, she felt those butterflies in her stomach everyone talked about, but they seemed to go in different directions, colliding and crashing with each other, making her nauseous. Nate wasn't technically family, but everybody thought he was. As if that wasn't enough, he was also fourteen years older than her. Therefore, she couldn't allow herself to think about him in any other way than just a friend.
“Control it Rae,” she kept repeating to herself.
*
Rae. Nate couldn't get her out of his head. He was looking forward to see her like some eighth grader. That girl really got under his skin. Her emails and texts were the highlight of his day. Although she herself preferred this way of communicating, he didn't object. Yeah, he liked hearing her voice, but this way he could read her sarcastic remarks or wisecracks repeatedly. After he asked her to help him pick a present for his sister, he couldn't stop smiling at her first suggestion. A male stripper. He knew she can joke about it, but she would probably run away at the sight of one. His sister might not; he chuckled.
Since he returned to the United States and renewed ties with Rae's family, the two of them immediately found a common language. While reading her emails and texts, he would forget she was only 24, and he was 38. To Nate, age was irrelevant, merely a state of mind. The fact that he was one of those men who looked better with a few wrinkles around his eyes and an occasional gray hair maybe had something to do with it. But that doesn't matter anyway, he thought for himself. It's not as if it will ever matter.
He left his office to attend a business lunch. Suffering severe nausea all day, he was not exactly looking forward eating at a Japanese restaurant that Mr. Sasaki and his associates suggested. Although he was accustomed to the taste of Japanese cuisine, since it was his ex-wife's Sharon favorite, he never grew fond of it. Luckily, back in UK, Lisa often prepared homemade meals, so his palate did not suffer so much.
He spent twelve years in London, married, and then divorced. After a dark period in his life, nostalgia drew him back home, so he returned. Although he had previously communicated with Rae, mostly to send her his nephew's photos, so Rae could forward them on to the rest of the family, only upon his return, he started socializing with her. And over time, she became one of his favorite people. He didn't allow himself to think anything more than having strictly platonic friendship with her for several reasons. Still, he couldn't imagine not having her in his life.
As lunch with Mr. Sasaki was about to end, Nate glanced at his watch. He was supposed to meet with Rae in an hour and a half. And before that, he needed to take a shower and change clothes. When they finished, he literally ran out of the restaurant, jumped into his car and parked in front of his building. His doorman greeted him and as he rushed to his apartment, he shouted, “How's it going Steve?” not waiting for an answer.
Nate’s apartment was in an elite part of the town, and it was enormous, but the only rooms he spent his time in were his bedroom and the study room. White, black and brown colors prevailed in it, and he was satisfied with interior design even though he had nothing to do with it. The highest point of his color matching skill was combining colors of his suits and shirts. After taking a quick shower, he glanced into the mirror, pulling his fingers through his thick, slightly wavy dark brown hair all the way to his three-day beard.
Nate was a very attractive man and very popular among opposite sex, but he was single for years. Except for occasional encounters, women didn’t interest him momentarily. In his younger days, he had fun with plenty of beautiful but vain women and they quickly bored him. Sharon was different- smart, posh and ambitious. Nate thought their relationship and marriage was exactly what he needed. However, he was wrong.
After their break-up, he had only several short flings. In past two years, Rae was the only woman, beside his sister, who was a constant in his life. That thought baffled him a little but he quickly put it aside as he slipped in jeans and navy polo shirt and then stepped outside again.
Rae was waiting in front of campus while sitting on a bench and reading a book. It was freezing outside, but she looked like she doesn’t care. He guessed she was reading some history novel.
When she noticed him, she stood up smiling, and something flickered across his stomach. She jumped into his car, gave him a quick hug, and then dramatically looked at him and fired, “Jesus Nate, you have another gray hair.”
“Another? But yesterday was only one,” he replied even more dramatically.
“Oh well, if it works for Richard Gere…” he added with an arrogant smile on his face.
“Don’t worry, pretty women will still be all over you.” Amusement flickered in Rae’s eyes as put her seat belt on. This kind of provoking had already become a routine for them. Every time one of them would take a joke. However, nobody ever got offended, on the contrary. It was their game, something that differentiated them from all the others.
Nate put the car into gear, and they drove to the nearby shopping center. Lisa’s birthday was in two weeks, and he wanted to send her something special because he wouldn’t visit for another two months. With Rae's help, and after they dismissed the stripper idea, he got her beautiful vintage earrings. Nate enjoyed watching Rae go through jewelry, books, home ornaments... He knew how much she loved buying gifts for others and had Christmas shopping lists ready weeks ahead. “There’s nothing better than seeing that happy smile on people’s faces when they unwrap a present,” she once said to him.
The whole attention she gave to find the perfect gift for his sister made Rae look so sweet and enchanting that Nate couldn’t stop looking at her. Her hair was up in a ponytail that fell all the way to the middle of her back; and every time she would lean forward to study something in a window shop, the neckline of her blouse hinted a pink tone of her lacy bra which she probably wasn’t aware. But it wasn’t the bra that made Nate sweat. It was the delicate pale skin just above her bra that made him feel like he was standing on a tropical heat and not air-conditioned shopping mall.
“Ok, you moron. Yes, she’s hot. Now go get your head checked,” Nate barked at himself with self-disgust.
Rae was off-limits. Sure, she was the first woman in long time that had awoken these feelings or, more specifically, urges, in him, but it was wrong. At least that’s what he told himself. In his mind he gave himself a cold shower, and focused on Lisa’s present.
After a successful shopping, they sat down for a drink. Rae threw herself in the chair, and Nate noticed she was a having a mental battle over whether to raise her legs to the chair next to hers or not. He almost laughed at loud, but he refrained. The sensible and well-mannered part of her obviously took control, and she crossed her legs in front of her and grabbed the menu. She ordered a caramel latte, while Nate’s choice was espresso.
“We have to compensate all the calories spent shopping,” she explained convincingly and with a genuine interest added, “So what's new with you?”
“You know, arthritis, poor vision, and stuff like that. To match my gray hair.”
Rae rolled her eyes with a smirk on her face. “I'm serious. Why are you sending Lisa's gift by mail? You never miss her birthdays.”
“I have a meeting in London in two months, and I can’t go there twice in such a short period of time, not in the middle of the big deal I'm working on,” Nate explained.
“I see,” Rae nodded. “So, you’re leaving me in two months?” Words escaped her mouth and she realized what it sounded like. Being in Nate’s company was something she grew to like more and more, and the idea of his departure for God knows how long sadden her.
“Jesus Rae, way to go. You don’t sound desperate at all,” she rolled her eyes hoping Nate wouldn’t notice herself and quickly added, “How long will you be absent?”
Nate found her blushing adorable, and he was glad she cared but then he shrugged in his chair.
“I don’t know. I honestly hope it won’t be too long.”
The rest of the afternoon, they spent chatting about their families and about London. Europe was Rae’s dream destination and Nate promised her he will take her there someday. Actually, he would have done it by now but his trips to UK were usually short and filled with errands and meetings. Furthermore, he didn’t trust himself being with Rae for that long.
*
When Nate dropped Rae in front of her apartment, he hugged her goodbye. The smell of Nate’s shampoo bewildered Rae for a moment and with heavy heart, she brushed off the need to go through his hair with her fingers. She pulled out of his embrace and was about to step outside his car, when she paused.
“Oh, I forgot. Are you coming next weekend at my grandparents’ party?” she asked.
“You know they are celebrating their anniversary. In their own words, it is presumably the last one before one of them dies,” she rolled her eyes grimacing. Rae's grandparents have been together for over 50 years and every year they believe it’s their last, although they are in better shape than all the family members together.
“Of course. I wouldn’t miss it for anything in the world. Especially if it's their last one.” He glanced back at Rae and smiled mischievously. Rae couldn’t help but smile back and then got out of the car.
Rae’s small one-bedroom apartment was in a five-story building near the campus. Brad and Alice, her parents, were helping her pay the rent, but she was working part-time in a bookstore, so she was handling all other expenses on her own. The apartment wasn’t new, but it was tidy and Rae loved the view at the park. Especially now in winter when Christmas lights haven’t been removed yet. She could gaze out the window for hours.
After taking a long shower, she slipped in her pajamas and crashed on the bed. The thought of Nate crossed her mind. She had a wonderful time with him today, and she felt bad it was over.
*
As Nate left Rae at home, he immediately ran into a red traffic light and that came as a relief to him because he had to pull himself together. He had hugged Rae a hundred times so far, but lately he wanted to hold her harder and keep her in his arms a little longer. Every time he was near her, he tried to tell himself that he’s just enjoying her company as a friend, but it was a brazen lie and he knew it. Especially after today.
“Idiot. Why do you have to complicate your life?” he gasped and accelerated the car.
Rae was different than all the woman he knew. With her, everything felt natural. And different. Different than it was with Sharon. He met her when he came to London. Lisa had lived in London for several years after their parents died and soon he decided to join her. She soon introduced him to her friends, and Sharon was one of them. She and Nate even worked in partner firms, so they often collaborated.
After a few business meetings and get-togethers at Lisa’s, they went out on a dinner. One thing led to the other and he felt it was reasonable for him to marry her. Reasonable. When he thought of it now, he wanted to hit himself with a bat. Although he loved Sharon, it was not a whirlwind romance, as some people would imagine. They were both realistic, had a similar way of thinking, and he thought it was a valid marriage. Then it stopped being. They stopped having the same interests and desires and that drove them apart. Therefore, after five years, they decided it was time to continue their lives separately and that was the best decision they ever made. She eventually married his colleague and had a beautiful baby girl. They still keep in touch now and then.
Nate never felt with Sharon the way he feels with Rae, and the thought of that caught him by surprise. He never cared so much about her opinion as he cares about Rae’s. Not that he did not appreciate it, but when it comes to Rae, it's just different. It's as he's afraid he'll lose her if he says or do something wrong.
When he parked his car in front of his building, he welcomed the surge of cold air because it made him come out of thinking about Rae. A lot of other things needed his attention.
When he entered the penthouse, he dropped his coat, poured himself a drink, and sat on the sofa reaching for his laptop to read the latest emails. One of them was from Professor Gregory Hendricks, who sent him an email to confirm the London appointment in two months. He quickly responded and put away the laptop. Then he finished his drink and while brown liquid warmed up his throat, he felt he was drifting asleep.