Chapter Twenty

 

 

 

 

Tessa leaned forward in the chair, her head resting on Buck’s bed, hearing the beep-beep swish of the various monitors and machines helping to keep him alive. It had been two weeks since the night she’d almost lost the only man she would ever love. She wasn’t afraid to admit that without him she didn’t have a life anymore. She’d known the moment when she’d knelt beside him and realized that he’d stopped breathing. She thanked every god and deity she’d ever heard of that her family was insane because the field medicine and CPR they’d taught her had saved his life. If she hadn’t had that knowledge so well ingrained that it had pushed through the panic that night, he might have died.

She didn’t allow the tears that threatened to pour from her eyes fall with sheer force of will—she’d cried enough. It was a miracle he’d survived after he’d coded. The doctors had said he’d been lucky she was there because her fast reaction to stop the bleeding and get air into him while attempting to restart his heart had saved him. She would never forget the blood pooling beneath him or the way it had poured out of his mouth—the images in her head were harsh and burned her memory every time she thought about them.

“You have to fight for us, Buck. Please, I need you,” she whispered into the almost silent room, still wishing she’d been able to take those two assholes out before they’d shot him in the chest collapsing his lung and nearly killing him. She was only grateful they’d missed his heart— the bullet had torn through his lung and slammed into a bone and thankfully hadn’t ricocheted or shattered. It had lodged in the rib and stayed. It was another reason he’d lived, they’d said, because that rib had stopped the bullet from doing more damage.

She felt more than heard someone enter the room and looked up to see Dice and Joker standing in the doorway with Choke and Chaos coming in behind them. The four large men weren’t strangers to Buck’s hospital room and they’d bullied her into leaving to get some better rest the other night, going so far as to drug her to get her home and in the bed she’d shared with Buck less than two weeks ago.

She’d woken up to find herself in their bed and for about a minute she’d thought she might have dreamed it—that it was just a horrible nightmare—but walking into the kitchen had proven that wrong. The wall was still sporting bullet holes and the window was boarded up but still smashed out. If that wasn’t enough, the fact that Dice had been the one sitting at the table playing cards with two prospects, not Buck, would have cleared up any lingering doubt.

“Hey, doll. How’s it going today?” Choke asked as he came over and gave her a one-armed hug, his kiss on the top of her head reassuring. He’d taken care of most of the police issues with the help of the club’s three lawyers—yes, three. It seemed like overkill to her but she supposed it wasn’t because of the highly illegal jobs they did. She didn’t want to know how and she sure as hell wasn’t going to complain when they’d managed to get her out of any legal trouble within hours with only a statement and a slight detainment.

“The nurses said they’re going to take him off the ventilator today because they think his lung might be ready. They said it hours ago but haven’t come in to take care of it yet,” Tessa told them, knowing they’d handle it and she didn’t really care about how. She wasn’t above using whatever clout they had to get Buck taken care of. She wouldn’t be waiting around silently while they did nothing to help her man.

“Take care of that Joker,” Choke said, looking up at him.

“Sure thing.”

Tessa watched Joker push off the wall he’d been leaning on and move towards the door headed to the nurse’s station to tell them to get off their asses. She should feel bad that she was likely going to be the cause of some nurse’s panic attack but she didn’t give a fuck.

“They have any idea when he might wake up yet?”  Chaos asked softly, almost hesitantly.

“No, they said maybe once he’s off the ventilator but they’re not sure. He’s healing and they think that and the knock on his head is the cause of the coma. Hopefully once he’s off it we will see improvement.” Tessa brushed her hair back noting that it was oily and unkempt. Maybe she needed to have one of them stay while she took a shower because she likely smelled bad too. None of them had said anything to her—not even Patty or the girls who’d been by several times. Likely they all thought she’d break if they did.

“Well once it’s out I’m sure he will wake. Buck’s a fighter and he’s not leaving you,” Dice grunted from his position by the door.

Tessa nodded and stared back at Buck’s still form wondering if she’d ever hear his voice again or feel him touch her—she was starting to worry she wouldn’t ever have those pleasures again and it was ripping her heart to shreds.

“You hungry? I can have Chaos run get something for you from the cafeteria or anywhere else you want to eat,” Choke asked, sitting down beside her.

“No, I’m fine. They started bringing me food like you told them to the first time you came to visit over a week and a half ago,” Tessa reminded him. They’d bullied her into eating after three days by his bedside, telling her if she didn’t eat they’d have them force-feed her with a tube. She’d known they would do it too because they were now her family because of Buck. Choke had told her the night they’d spent in the police station waiting on the lawyers that she would be family for nothing more than her hiding the drive and saving Buck’s life. Apparently those two things meant that even had she not been patched by Buck, she’d still be family to them. She’d done it to protect Buck but in doing so she’d protected the club.

“Just making sure. You might want something they aren’t bringing you.”

“I’m okay. Just worried he still isn’t out of the woods even though they moved him out of intensive care last week.” Tessa reached out holding onto Buck’s almost lifeless hand, trying not to allow the tears to fall from her eyes.

Choke’s scarred hand covered hers on the bed and his gruff voice muttered, “He’s going to be okay. You’ll get him back. We all will.”

Tessa glanced at him seeing the hard determined look in his eyes and nodded. She really hoped all their resolve was enough to wake Buck up and make him whole again. She loved him too much to ever accept any other outcome.

Choke left his hand on hers offering the support she needed to make it through the day while they all waited on Buck to recover. Tessa was glad she had been raised by men who weren’t fully sane and could appreciate these large gruff men who stayed with her day after day—waiting.

 

 

Buck felt frustration burn through him. Damn it, when would all this weakness leave him. He’d only been out for a little over an hour and he was already feeling like he’d been out all damned week. Fuck, he knew he’d been through hell over the past ten weeks after escaping the dark blackness of his coma but it had to get better soon or he’d be a fucking liability to his club and his old lady. Hell, he was already a liability to Tessa. He was the reason she’d had to kill two men. Why had he brought that drive home with him when he knew he should have taken it to the damned clubhouse?

He knew his need to be with her after missing her so much while he was on the road was the reason he’d brought it home with him. If he had taken it to the clubhouse that night, it would have been another hour and a half before he’d seen her and that had seemed like forever after three days without her in his arms. That was why he’d been thinking about his relationship with Tessa. She was his world and he loved her more than he could ever love anyone—more than his club, his family or his life for that matter. It was why he needed to let her go and soon, before he convinced himself that he could keep her safe. He couldn’t and he needed to face that fact before it ended up getting her hurt or worse, killed.

The thought sent a cold spike of dread spearing through him. He never wanted her to be the one lying in a puddle of her own blood on the kitchen floor like Choke had told him he was. That knowledge more than any other proved his life wasn’t meant for a woman like her. It wasn’t what he wanted for her—she deserved better.

He drove back to the house needing to make love to her for one more night. To hold her in his arms and know she was his one last time before he pushed her away. She’d told him never to mess around on her and he knew that was the only way he’d ever convince her he was done with her but it tore at his insides to think about hurting her that way. Not that he’d actually sleep with another woman, he’d just make her think he had. Even knowing it was best for her, he couldn’t bring himself to betray her that way—especially after the way she’d nursed him back to health through angry outbursts and painfully weak moments when he’d been unable to walk and all the other shit she’d had to do for him.

Shaking his head in resolve, he knew he had to leave her for her sake. It was the only way to make sure she was safe and his world wasn’t fucking up her life. Tessa could stay at Hambone’s and he would watch her from afar keeping her safe while still being able to see her. He couldn’t let her go completely, it just wasn’t something he could do and stay sane.

Entering the house, he heard Tessa call out and he walked into the kitchen seeking her. He felt a little satisfaction as he took in the newly remodeled room. The floors had been replaced, the walls painted and window replaced. He’d added a larger island counter top and all new cabinets making it a homey, almost cozy, room rather than a harsh reminder of what had happened here.

The first time he’d entered the room and seen Tessa blanche about a week after he’d been brought home, he’d known it needed to be redone. He wouldn’t allow her to feel the pain of that night every time she entered the room. The window had been replaced by then—Choke and Dice had made sure that was done while he was still in the hospital.

“Hey lover, how are you doing?” Tessa asked, smiling at him.

Damn, this was going to be a lot harder than he’d realized. She was so addictive that just looking at her now—standing in front of the sink with her hair pulled up with little hunks falling on her neck, her jean shorts clinging to her tight ass and her breasts cupped by the t-shirt she was wearing—made him hard.

“All right,” he answered, his hands clenching as he walked towards her. His mind already on how tight she’d feel around him and thoughts of never being able to feel that again after tonight haunting him, he drew her into his arms. She came willingly, her arms wrapping around his neck as she accepted his kiss, her smile bright. His hands were possessive as they cupped her hips and he asked himself if he could let her go even a little but he knew he had to. He couldn’t allow her to face the darkness that was his life. He needed to find the strength to do it because she was all that was beautiful in his world and he refused to sully her with his black hole of a life. He never should have reached out for her and he knew it. His only defense was that he never would have made it if he’d never been able to taste her, even if it was for such a short time.

He tugged on her, pulling her towards the door of the kitchen headed to their bed, pissed he couldn’t carry her like he wanted to. She laughed and tugged back but he refused to release her.

“The water, Buck—can’t leave it on.” She giggled and he realized she’d left it running when he’d grabbed her.

“Hurry up. I want to make you scream my name at least a dozen times before morning,” he growled, allowing her to run over to the sink and twist the knob. He knew she thought he was kidding but he meant every word. If he was leaving her for good in the morning, he needed to brand her so she remembered who owned her even if she eventually ended up with another man. That thought sent anger roaring through his soul because it wasn’t something he wanted to think about happening—ever.

Tessa came back over to him and he grabbed her hand practically dragging her towards the bedroom, his hand a hard vise around her wrist. He knew he was being intense but he couldn’t soften with the knowledge of what the morning brought with it and the pain he was about to cause both of them in order to protect her. Sacrifice was never easy and he wished their happiness wasn’t what he had to offer up in order to do the right thing by her. She would be hurt by his actions but she’d be safer. Pushing those thoughts aside, he dragged her down on the bed and began making love to her with an intense need that bordered on being manic.