Chapter Twenty-One

 

 

 

 

Tessa felt tears sting her eyes as she watched Buck. He’d arrived a little over an hour ago just like he had every night this week. He had Cindy on his lap again with his hand resting on her hip possessively. She couldn’t deny it any longer; after weeks of observing him like this she could finally admit it was over between them. Her heart ached as she turned and walked towards the back.

It was official and she knew exactly what she needed to do. She didn’t have to like it but it was the only way. She still didn’t understand what had happened. Buck had walked out on her one morning after making love to her all night and she’d been surprised when he didn’t call her for several days but she’d thought he was doing something for the club. She’d been wrong.

Tessa tossed her tray onto the counter and called out to Teller that she was taking a break and headed back towards Patty’s office. Her mind was whirling with all the bullshit she’d gone through for the last few weeks since Buck had walked out of her place that morning with a gruff, “I got shit I need to do.” She should have known then that something was wrong. Buck always told her where he was going and when he’d likely be back. She had tried to deny that something was wrong because she was in love with him. She had been able to pretend everything was fine—at least for a little while. She didn’t regret the choices that led her here—even though he’d left her.

Even if he was a fucking bastard for hurting her this way. 

Tessa knocked on Patty’s door, entering when Patty yelled out to come in. She stepped inside, closing the door behind her and plopping down on the couch across from Patty’s desk.

“Don’t hate me but I can’t take this anymore,” Tessa grumbled.

Patty raised a brow and sat back in her chair looking at her with a questioning glance. Her fingers shuffled the papers she’d been working on, setting them aside to give Tessa her full attention.

“What can’t you take? Are one of the boys messing with you?” Patty asked, a frown starting to form.

“Buck,” Tessa barked out, knowing the other woman would know exactly what she was talking about the moment she said the name.

“Ah, I see,” Patty said, shifting in her seat and letting out a sigh. “He’s being an idiot.”

“Ha, tell me something I don’t know. I can’t figure out what happened. Everything was fine before the Dicks almost killed him. Hell, even for the ten months he was recovering. It’s like he woke up one day and decided to be an asshole. Now he’s here with that woman every fucking night.” Tessa couldn’t keep the hurt from her voice as she spoke and tears threatened again.

“Oh hon, men can be idiots. You need to slap him upside his head and ask him what the fuck he thinks he’s doing,” Patty told her, standing to come over and sit next to her on the couch. She hugged Tessa tightly for a moment before Tessa pulled back.

“I’ve tried. I’ve called him at least a hundred times and it just goes to voice mail. I even went over to the clubhouse twice to see him but they wouldn’t let me in. They keep telling me he’s in a meeting. Ha, I bet he’s fucking that bitch and they’re being nice cause they know that would break my heart. They always look so fucking sad and pathetic as they wince and say he’s not there or that he’s busy. Fuck, how did I let him make me into a needy whining bitch?” Tessa demanded, dashing the tears that had escaped off her cheeks.

“Stop, you’re not whiney. If it was my man I would box his ears and I don’t think that boy is fucking Cindy despite what it looks like when he drags her in here every night. He watches you too closely and he’s too tense all the time to be getting laid,” Patty muttered. “He’s just an idiot like most men, honey. They get things into their heads and think they can do stupid shit because of how they’re feeling. That’s why we women have to keep their ears boxed and their balls in a jar.”

Tessa couldn’t help the laugh that bubbled up in her chest at that last comment. She really loved Patty and she wasn’t happy that she was having to quit her job because of Buck, the stupid dickhead.

“I just can’t watch this anymore, Patty. I’m sorry, I know you’re already down a waitress because Britney ran off to Cancun for a week.”

“Stop, it’s fine. I don’t like you leaving but I can understand. Britney has always been a free spirit and this place can run itself most of the time. Besides, if it gets busy we can pull from the club for a while. You know how it is with this group of thugs. Despite what the world thinks of us we’re a family.” Patty waved away her concerns, standing up to stare down at her. Tessa knew she was right but she still felt bad about quitting for more than one reason. “Sugar, if he’s too stupid to realize what he had then he deserves whatever happens now. One question though, did he take back his patch?” Patty watched her closely after she’d asked.

Tessa rubbed her face and wondered why that really mattered. It would have hurt so much more if Buck had asked for the patch but thankfully he hadn’t. Tessa shrugged. “No, guess he forgot.”

Patty turned quickly away. Tessa thought she caught a glimpse of a sly grin on her face but when she sat down behind her desk again she was frowning. “I guess he must have. Well if you’re sure about quitting tonight, why don’t you leave. I know you don’t want to spend the next two hours watching him out there acting foolish. I’ll go ahead and cut your last check while you gather your stuff. That way you’re all set and don’t have to come back and chance seeing Buck again.”

Tessa nodded sadly even though the thought of never seeing Buck again made her heart ache. She wouldn’t act like a puppy who was at his beck and call, nor would she allow any man to use her. He wasn’t going to run around with a whore while keeping her on a leash. Not that he’d even spoke to her other than to order beers or tell her he was busy since he’d left her.

Her tears threatening to overwhelm her again, she shook her head and stood, refusing to give in and allow herself to cry. Tessa headed to her locker to get her purse and keys. She collected them quickly and walked back to Patty’s office, finding her at the printer pulling off the check she’d just printed.

“Are you moving too?” Patty asked as she took a pen from the desk and began signing the check she’d printed for Tessa. Tessa thought about that question as she stood there watching Patty. Was she moving? She didn’t know but going home to heal a little sounded like a good idea to her because she wouldn’t chance running into Buck again if she did and that might be for the best.

“Maybe,” Tessa finally answered, not sure what she was going to do without more thought.

“Here you are, hon. I’m sorry things didn’t work out with you two because the man has his head up his ass but promise me one thing if you do move,” Patty said, holding out the check but not allowing her to take it.

“What?” Tessa asked.

“If you’re ever in trouble you will come to me because you’re always gonna be family even if you never get Buck to see he’s being a moron.” Patty handed her the check before adding, “I’d also like to hear from you every now and again. Or I swear I’m going to have one of these boys hunt you down and drag you home,” Patty muttered, her face serious.

Tessa felt her chest twinge. She was going to miss Patty almost as much as she would Buck. Heck, she’d miss most of the others from the club as much as she would Buck and losing them hurt.

“I will,” she promised and after another hug and a few more minutes of goodbyes, she was walking out the back door.

As she climbed inside her car she stared at the bar for what she knew would be the last time. She felt like the weight of the world came crashing down on her head as she sat there. It hurt so bad to leave this place she’d thought just a few weeks ago would always be a part of her life. How naïve she’d been to think she was settled and her life would always be as happy as it had been then.

Shaking off the feelings crashing into her like waves, she started the car and headed back to her house, unsure what she was going to do now. Whatever it was she knew she could handle it. She just needed to decide where she was going from here—but not until after having a good long self-pity party.

 

Buck felt Cindy lean in close to his ear and her breath caressing his neck felt wrong. He wanted to push her off his lap and go find Tessa but he couldn’t. He had promised himself he wouldn’t and he wasn’t going back on it no matter how much he wanted to. That look on her face tonight had rubbed along his already prickly nerves like nails on a chalkboard.

“You know she is never going to believe you don’t want her if you don’t quit staring around the bar looking for her. You might want to act indifferent like you do when you know she’s watching you. ‘Cause she might be peeking out from the back to see if you’ve noticed she’s gone,” Cindy finally said, her slightly wicked look tempered with amusement. She was loving his pain because she’d told him this was a stupid plan from the moment he’d talked to her about it. Asking her to do this was a mistake but how else was he going to convince Tessa he didn’t want her anymore without having to fuck around on her.

Boy, he was seriously fucked up. He wasn’t planning on staying a monk for the rest of his life but right now sleeping with another woman wasn’t an option. He just couldn’t bring himself to do it because he loved Tessa too much to even consider it. Maybe he would remain a monk forever—the thought was sobering. He loved her and if that was the price of her safety, it was worth it. He didn’t need anything to keep him warm at night except the thoughts of holding Tessa and his own hand to crank his cock.

“I just can’t understand why she hasn’t come back out here for over two hours,” Buck muttered, his neck straining as he tried to peer into the back room. He’d seen her head back to the back and she hadn’t returned. Patty was now handling her tables, making him worry something was wrong. Was she ill or had something happened to her while she was in the back? He didn’t know but he wasn’t happy that he couldn’t go find out without one of these nosey assholes deciding to tell her about it, which would only make her try to talk to him again about their relationship. He wasn’t sure if she got that close to him again if he would be able to stop himself from grabbing her and dragging her to the nearest flat surface to have his way with her.

God, he missed her. The way she laughed or just that sparkle she got in her eyes as she teased him about something. He missed how she rested her head on his shoulder after they’d had sex and how her lips would brush his gently just before she fell asleep. Damn it, his missed her so bad he was going crazy. Watching her was the only time he felt halfway sane anymore. He would sit in this booth and watch her move around the room pretending that things hadn’t changed, that he still owned her. Fuck, he did still own her—his heart insisted.

“I’ve told you this was a bad plan and I don’t get why the hell you are doing it to start with but if you want to know where she went, why don’t you just go ask?” Cindy said, shaking her head.

Buck couldn’t say she was wrong about this being a bad plan because coming in here every night with her on his arm and watching Tessa’s face nearly killed him. He hated hurting her but he knew he had to do it or she’d be caught up in his life and she didn’t need that kind of trouble. She’d already been arrested and had to go to court for killing those men the night he’d been injured. Tessa didn’t need more trouble like that.

It was stupid, his need to watch her, but if he could see her flutter around the bar for a few hours a night he could hold off the hunger inside him. That hunger seethed and demanded that he take her and fuck the consequences. Buck knew it wouldn’t take much for him to allow that hunger to convince him that he was as much of a bastard as he pretended to be.

Fuck no, he needed to rein that shit in because she had to stay safe. She had to.

He watched Patty come over with a tray of beers, setting them down on the table. She barely glanced at him. He could almost feel the disapproval pouring off her as she stood there beside the table looking at anyone but him. Not that he could fault her for it, he was an idiot to shred Tessa’s heart like he was but it couldn’t be helped.

“You boys need anything else?” she asked, glancing at him pointedly almost as if she knew how much not knowing where Tessa was ate at him.

“Nah, we’re good,” Dice muttered, grinning. Patty nodded and started to step back but Buck couldn’t stop the words that escaped him.

“Wait, where is Tessa?”

“She went home,” Patty said. Her sly smile let him know that he shouldn’t ask anything else but damned if his insides didn’t twist into knots from worry.

Was she ill? Had something happened? He knew she never left early unless they’d had plans or she wasn’t feeling well and he didn’t think that had changed now that they weren’t together. Patty didn’t wait for him to ask her anything else about Tessa, she just walked away, stopping at another table to take an order. Buck watched, his mind in chaos. He knew he should just let it go but somehow, he couldn’t. He just couldn’t leave Tessa alone if she was sick or hurt or hell, just upset.

Setting Cindy aside despite her little laugh and the “you’re so screwed” that she hissed at him, he followed Patty into the back of the bar. She turned a narrow-eyed gaze on him.

“What do you want, Buck?” Patty asked.

“Is she sick?” he demanded, unwilling to pussyfoot around the subject. He just needed to know if she was okay because the idea that she was sick and alone made his skin crawl with the need to go and take care of her. Buck wasn’t going to be able to hold back his need to make sure she was all right if Patty confirmed that she was ill. It was fucking ridiculous that he couldn’t force himself to stay away from her even knowing it was the right thing to do.

“Nope,” she stated flatly before muttering, “Sick of you maybe, but not sick.”

Buck felt relief flood him that Tessa was okay but it was quickly followed by a need to know why she’d left. Patty’s crack about her being sick of him made his brow arch. Patty tried to move around him to leave the back room but he wouldn’t let her. His hand shot out and blocked her path, causing her face to darken with anger as she glared up at him.

“Why’d she go home, Patty?” he demanded in a gruff growl she knew meant business.

“Not that it’s any of your business seeing as how you’re here with Cindy and all—but if you must know, she quit. Guess she got tired of watching you with your whore. Not that you care, right?” Patty snorted.

Buck heard the anger in her voice but he was too stuck on the fact that Tessa had quit to respond. He knew when he’d made his plan that it might happen but the reality of her quitting made him unsure if he could stand it. He stood frozen in front of Patty, every muscle clenched tightly while he tried like hell to process what she’d just told him. His insides were roaring with a mixture of anger and need. He almost couldn’t control himself. He held his feet in place by steeling his spine to stop himself from doing something monumentally stupid. Patty watched him carefully and he knew she was likely to see more than he wanted her to because he was struggling to get himself under control.

Buck wanted to storm out to his bike and go roaring over to her place to teach her all the reasons she was his but he knew he couldn’t. That would be a mistake; she deserved a life that didn’t include his club fucking it up. Dragging her back into this life was the wrong thing to do. For once he wasn’t going to be selfish and take what he wanted. But fuck, it was hard. Letting her go was killing him. Finally managing to calm his raging insides, he took a step back.

“Good,” he stated in a clipped tone when he could speak. Patty watched him, shaking her head sadly as she looked up at his face silently. Her next words proved she was seeing way more than he’d wanted her to.

“You’re acting like a fool, Buck. You left your patch with her so I know your game. I can promise you that leaving it with her isn’t going to stop every man from going after her heart. The club might understand what her still having your patch means but the rest of the world…” She paused, shaking her head sadly before she continued to speak. “The rest of the world doesn’t follow our rules and you know it. Which means one day she is going to find someone who won’t care. Some man is going to be sleeping in her bed, holding her, and he will make her happy. Tessa is going to love him, Buck, because no one stays frozen forever. That girl’s strong and she won’t allow you to destroy her life or take away her happiness. She will move on and you’re a damned buffoon for letting it happen when you’re still in love with her. Get your shit together and go beg her to forgive you because if you don’t, you will regret it for the rest of your life.” Patty shoved him out of the way while he stood there processing the sheer rage her words unleashed inside him.

He knew she wasn’t wrong about Tessa finding another man eventually but the idea set loose such fury at this nameless, faceless man that he almost couldn’t contain it. It took him fifteen minutes of internal lecturing but he finally managed to release the death grip he had on the shelves next to him and unclench every muscle in his body. Buck refused to allow himself to drag Tessa back down the rabbit hole that was his life. No, she was too good for him and if that meant she would move on, he’d cross that bridge when they came to it. Buck needed to ride to get his head screwed on straight and think about something other than Tessa for a minute or two.

That decided, he headed out to his bike, not even bothering to talk to Cindy before he left. She’d get a ride home with one of the others and he wasn’t in the mood for her to tease him about Tessa tonight anyway. She’d been doing it every night since he’d started this game.

Climbing onto his bike, he headed out without a real destination in mind but he wasn’t surprised to find himself coasting to a stop outside a small blue house with lights glowing from the windows. Buck watched Tessa walk across the living room with an ice cream carton and a spoon in her hand before she curled up in her favorite chair.

Damn, he really shouldn’t come here every night but he wasn’t able to stay away. He needed to see her through those windows separating them. It was fucked up but he always ended up here even when it burned his insides to ashes and made his whole being ache to touch her just one more time. He told himself he wouldn’t come and every single night he would find himself here watching. His heart burned and his cock tried to convince him that just once wouldn’t hurt but he knew it would and he wasn’t going to do that to either of them.

Running a hand over his face, he wished just for a minute that he was a normal man—a good man—who could be with her and deserve her, but he wasn’t and nothing would ever change that fact. He sat and watched her for another hour until she went to bed with a sad little look on her face and he wondered again if he was making her cry herself to sleep. The need to know broke his soul every time because he didn’t want that for her—he wanted her smiling and looking like joy was pouring out of her like sunshine. Buck didn’t know what to do with her sadness. It was destroying him one piece at a time and it didn’t help knowing he was the cause of her pain.

When he was sure she’d be asleep, he started his bike up and headed back to the clubhouse. He needed to cure himself of this addiction to Tessa because he didn’t know how much longer he could resist his need to be with her. When he was standing over his bed an hour later having found two bottles of bourbon to bury his sorrows in, he knew staying away from her was going to shatter him.

 

The banging made him growl as he jerked awake realizing someone was pounding on the door to his room. Who was that fucking stupid? He’d downed two bottles of bourbon again last night and his head was pounding so hard he’d likely never get it to stop. He had found drinking himself into a fucking stupor for the last two days had helped him stay away from Tessa’s place. Not that it was going to work forever. He’d almost climbed on his bike last night to go over there and if he’d been able to walk straight he might have done it too.

Slowly sitting up on the side of the bed and grabbing his aching head, he roared when the person started banging on the door again. He stumbled up dragging his ass to the door, not bothering to put any clothes on. He was wearing a pair of boxers and his scowl when he jerked open the door to send a murderous glare at the prospect who was standing there.

“Um, sorry to wake you but we need to know what to do with all this stuff,” he said, stepping back looking pale and shaky.

“What fucking stuff?” Buck demanded, not knowing what the fuck the man was talking about because he didn’t think he had forgotten to handle any jobs that needed to be done.

“Ah, the stuff those two dudes brought over in the moving trucks and said belonged to you,” he said taking another step back, his look wary. Buck wondered grimly if they’d drawn straws to see who would come up here and ask him this stupid shit because he had no fucking idea what ‘stuff’ the man was talking about.

“Look, just put it wherever you want, I don’t give a fuck,” Buck grunted. He was about to slam the door in the asshole’s face and collapse on the bed but he spoke again.

“There is a lot of it and he says that it’s yours. We really need to know what to do with it.” Buck’s brain stalled. Fuck, he was going to have to go see what this was they were talking about and figure out what to do with it. He didn’t bother to put any clothes on, he just stalked out of the room and down the stairs to walk outside to the two moving trucks that sat in front of the clubhouse. He walked around looking inside and growled when he did.

“Take it back,” he roared, anger burning inside him at the shit that was sitting in these fucking trucks. What the fuck was the woman thinking? He wasn’t going to take this shit.

“Take it back where?” the prospect asked, looking confused.

“Take this shit back to her place where it came from,” he roared, his head choosing that moment to throb painfully.

“I—I don’t—um,” he was stuttering out when Dice pulled up in the drive. Dice climbed off the bike and walked over, looking at him with raised brows.

“It’s almost four o’clock. Why are you in the yard in your underwear?” he asked, a little worried frown on his face.

“Don’t fuck with me. Have them take all this shit back to her. Now, Dice. This is her shit and she is keeping it,” Buck growled, anger burning through him as he peered at the couches he’d made love to her on and the fridge she’d loved even as she’d told him she didn’t want it and the chair she liked to curl up in to read. Fuck, everything inside these trucks came with flashes of Tessa. His heart twisted painfully and he almost couldn’t handle the need spearing through him.

Dice finally looked inside the trucks and his brows rose to his hairline. “Wow, she sent all the stuff from the house it looks like. Why did she do that you think?” Buck didn’t answer because they both knew why. He’d bought everything in these trucks for her because he knew she’d either needed or wanted it and he’d wanted to take care of her.   

“Just have them take this shit back, Dice.”

“Nope, I’m thinking you want that stuff to go back to her place then you’re going to have to show them where it is because I’m not going to do it for you,” Dice muttered. He walked away with a grin on his face that said he was making Buck go over there because he knew seeing her ripped him to shreds and Dice wanted him to hurt.

Yeah, his brothers did not approve of his plan. Choke had actually punched him in the face for it the first time he’d had to lie to Tessa about him not being here when she’d come by. Choke wasn’t one for messy emotions but it appeared that he’d really liked Tessa a lot. Chaos still wasn’t speaking to him and Joker had told him he was a fucking asshole every time he saw him. Nope, they didn’t approve at all.

Damn, looked like he was heading over to Tessa’s to return this shit.