Chapter Three

 

 

 

 

Tessa gazed at her grandmother’s silent pale figure, watching her breathe in heavy and labored bellows. Tears stung her eyes as she stared at the rise and fall of her chest wondering why people you loved had to get sick. She knew her grandmother was old—she was seventy-eight after all—but that didn’t make her illness any easier to swallow. Yes, she’d lived a long and happy life. Yes, she’d been active and healthy until four months ago but that didn’t change the fact that she was now lying in a hospital bed dying. There was no way to deny that fact anymore, not with the last scan they’d done at the hospital a week ago. After that there hadn’t been much to do other than move her back to the compound, her home. None of her family had wanted her to be surrounded by strangers when she was dying.

The compound was equipped for most health issues but they didn’t have the CT or PET scanners needed to diagnose her condition. Tessa felt tears stinging her eyes and her hands trembled on the arms of the chair as she continued to watch the life fade from her once animated grandmother. The truth was that ovarian cancer didn’t care that people loved you and didn’t want you to be sick, it just killed and it didn’t care who it took to the grave. It broke Tessa’s heart that soon she wouldn’t be able to talk to the one person who actually understood her when her abuela was gone. It ripped her soul to shreds just thinking that day was sooner than she likely thought it was. The doctors had given her two months but she seemed to be fading much faster than anyone had thought.

It wasn’t fair, her heart raged as she clenched her fists and wished things were different. It wasn’t just that no one else could fathom Tessa not believing in the whole doomsday prep thing. No, it was that they were close and her abuela’s death when it finally happened would destroy her. She reached out taking her grandmother’s hand, feeling the calluses on her palms and the wrinkles on the backs of her hands, which showed her age. Her chest ached with the need to find a way to eradicate this illness but she knew that there wasn’t anything she could do and it made the ache almost unbearable.

“Mi tesoro, what are you doing here again?” a scratchy voice croaked in broken English. Tessa looked up to find her grandmother had opened her eyes to stare at her, a slight frown on her face. That hurt too because normally her abuela would have burst into rapid Spanish but lately as her strength faded she seemed to be unable to find the energy. If she spoke the English she’d learned from her husband so many years ago she could slow down and no one seemed to mind.

“I was just visiting with you, abuela,” Tessa whispered, thoughts of losing her grandmother to a disease that had no qualms about who it killed still twisting inside her.

“Kind of boring to visit with an old lady who’s sleeping, mi tesoro.” Her grandmother shifted on the hospital bed, moving to a different position likely trying to get comfortable.

“You’re never boring, abuela,” Tessa protested.

“Ha, now you’re being silly, mi tesoro. You should be out doing something fun. You’re young and sitting here moping isn’t going to change the outcome, you know this.” Tessa wanted to protest but her grandmother was correct. She wanted to say something that would deny the reality of her grandmother’s imminent death but she couldn’t because there was nothing to be said. Sitting here beside her wasn’t going to change anything, even if she did wish it would with her whole being.

“You know I like the quiet and sitting here with you gives me that,” Tessa groused, trying to lighten the mood as she leaned forward, her hand still gripping the older woman’s tightly.

“Yes, I know this.” A slight huff escaped her before she continued. “How many times did I find you curled up in the cabinet hiding from your uncles with a book and flashlight?” A soft smile touched the elderly woman’s lips and she shifted again, moving her head on the pillow. She winced, likely because something hurt, and Tessa jumped up to help adjust the pillows for her. She was aware that the doctors were giving her pain medications in high doses and these lucid conversations were becoming less and less frequent. The other day she’d talked in circles and asked things repeatedly as she’d faded in and out of her drug haze. Tessa couldn’t help but think that soon their conversations wouldn’t be happening at all and it ripped her up inside but the drugs eased her grandmother’s pain and that was what mattered. 

“Dozens,” she whispered, leaning down to kiss her cheek softly.

“Oh mi tesoro, you aren’t meant for this life.” Her voice and the slight frown gracing her wrinkled face hinted at the sadness she was feeling. It made Tessa feel guilty. “You must promise me something, Tessa. Promise me that when I’m gone you will do this thing I ask of you.” Tessa nodded, watching the way the old woman’s tongue darted out to wet her chapped lips. She lifted the cup of water beside the bed and used a small sponge to wet them for her abuela.

“Anything,” she whispered, knowing she would do anything to make that sadness her grandmother felt go away. Tessa set the cup back on the table, silently raging against the reality of her grandmother’s words because all too soon she would be gone.

“Very good, mi tesoro, very good answer. Do you know you’re the one I worry about leaving?”

“Me? Why would you worry about me, abuela?”

“Because this isn’t a home to you. No, to you it’s a prison. So I ask you to promise me that you will leave, mi tesoro. Just walk away from here and find a life. Don’t stay here and waste away in this place.” Tessa wasn’t surprised that her grandmother knew she wasn’t happy here. It was why their bond was so strong. It was, however, surprising that she was worried for her when she was the one dying.

“I was happy here. I had my children, your grandfather, and later you and my other grandchildren here with me. Despite my not buying into their silly ideas about the end of the world, I had love and happiness every day I lived inside these walls. But not you, mi tesoro.” She paused here seeming to try and catch her breath as her eyes closed and a pained look flirted across her face. Tessa wished she could take that pain from her but she couldn’t so she just sat and waited until her abuela continued. “No, you will waste away from bitterness because you aren’t happy with your life in this place and I can’t bear to think of this for you.” Tessa felt her heart squeeze as she realized this was the reason she didn’t want to lose her grandmother despite her age. Her abuela was the one sane person in her family. All the others believed in the prep thing like it was the gospel but not her abuela.

Marietta had never bought into the lifestyle and the reasons behind it any more than Tessa had. She’d stayed because she’d loved Tessa’s grandfather and she’d been willing to give up her normal life to be with him. Tessa didn’t think her grandmother was wrong about her wasting away here but she also didn’t know how to live in the outside world either. The idea appealed to her but her life had been so insulated that she was scared to risk the bad things that could happen even if it meant possibly finding a place where she fit.

Letting out a little sigh, Tessa brushed the brittle white hair off her grandmother’s forehead, feeling the clamminess of her skin and worried about how very pale she was. Her skin was almost grey, and the thin layer of sweat that coated it along with the pallor made Tessa cringe because it was another sign of Marietta’s deteriorating condition.

“You know that I can’t really leave, abuela. I don’t have any job skills and I don’t know how to live in the outside world.” Tessa glanced over at the doorway hoping no one heard this conversation because if they did, they would run straight to her father to tattle on her. Not that she planned to leave but she didn’t want to hurt her father by letting him know she was beyond unhappy here; it would break his heart.

“Ha, you would do fine. You’re strong and you understand the world better than you think from the books you’ve read. Believe it or not, this place has also prepared you for anything that world can throw at you, trust me, I know. Mi tesoro, here is not the place for you. It never was. Your star, it shines too brightly to be contained in this bunker. You must go out into the world and find your place. It’s time. It’s long past time, child.” Her grandmother’s voice was sounding increasingly weaker and Tessa realized she was at the end of her strength. Her bursts of energy were becoming less and less frequent as the days marched on, every one of them bringing Tessa and her family closer to their inevitable heartbreak when her grandmother finally passed.

“Save your strength.”

“For what, child? I’m old and sick. It’s my time to meet the maker and be with mi amor again in the afterlife. You and the family will celebrate me on Dia de los Muertos and all will be as it should be. No one gets to stay forever, mi tesoro.” Tessa wiped her tears from her cheeks, upset that her grandmother spoke of her death because it burned her insides when she thought of her being gone. 

“I’m not ready for you to leave me, abuela,” Tessa whispered, her heart aching with the loss she knew was breathing down her neck.

“Ah, we never are, mi tesoro. We never are. I wasn’t ready for my Harrison to leave me but he did. Just as I will leave you because it is the way life works. That’s why I don’t want you to stay buried behind these walls in a bunker you hate when you wish so greatly to see the world. You must not allow life to slip through your fingers or you will regret it when you’re old and lying in a bed dying like me.” She shifted on the bed slightly, her frail-looking hand lifting to cup Tessa’s cheek, her eyes soft. “Don’t be filled with regrets, child. Live your life to the fullest.”

Tessa felt tears sting her eyes as she looked down at the only person who truly understood her and saw the passion for life that still filled the elderly woman’s eyes. Despite the pain Marietta was in and the sickness that held her in its grip, she was a vibrant woman who had done just what she was advising Tessa to do. She’d lived her life to the fullest and even the unfairness of the disease that ravaged her body couldn’t take that from her.

Tessa watched Marietta’s eyes close as she slipped into a deep exhausted sleep. She suddenly felt an odd sense of longing for a different life, one that wasn’t surrounded by electric fences and filled with weapons training. Maybe she should find a life outside. As she sat back in the chair again watching the slow rise and fall of her grandmother’s chest, an idea began to take form. 

 

Tessa turned down the hall, her heart beating a thousand times a minute as tears flowed down her cheeks. The sobs that racked her body weren’t easy or light and Tessa felt like she was breaking apart because only seconds ago her grandmother had rattled out her last breath. Even knowing it was coming for weeks, she still couldn’t believe that her abuela was gone for good. She almost couldn’t face the fact that she’d never again go to Marietta’s apartment to bake with her. Never again would she curl up in a corner with a book while Marietta knitted in her rocking chair and hummed. None of these things would ever happen again and it hurt.  

Tessa couldn’t get the sound of those rattles—the ones that trembling out of Marietta’s chest for over twelve hours—from her head. The horrid choking, almost gurgling, sound had started in the wee hours of the morning and hadn’t stopped until just a moment ago when Marietta had taken her last breath. Tessa knew from the moment they started that her grandmother would be gone before the end of the day and the knowledge had speared through her like ice water, filling her with dread. Tessa couldn’t believe it was over because she’d thought she’d have more time. It had only been a little over a month since Marietta had learned of her cancer and decided not to get any treatment. Even with the dire prediction of three to six months the doctors had given, she’d never thought her grandmother would be gone in a matter of weeks.

Dear God, that sound.

Tessa rubbed at her face, still hearing the wet gurgling sound of her grandmother’s last breaths, and shivers ran down her spine. It wasn’t a sound she’d forget anytime soon, that was for damned sure. Her mind played over the hours she’d spent listening with dread to each breath coming from Marietta’s lungs because even though the sound was awful, she hadn’t wanted it to stop—because that would mean her abuela was dead. Tessa replayed the doctor’s words as he told them that the horrid sound was her body shutting down. He had called it a death rattle. It wasn’t a new term—or even one she hadn’t heard before—she had just never imagined that hearing it would terrify her.

“You okay, Lil’ Bean?” her father asked coming up behind her and wrapping his arm around her shoulders. His face was contorted with the same grief she was feeling. He likely felt it more than she did because she’d been his mother.

“Yeah, Pappy. I’m okay. I knew it was coming but I just wish we’d had longer with her than we did. I’ll miss her,” Tessa said, allowing him to pull her into a tight hug.

“I know, Bean. We will all miss her but I know you were always the closest to her of all my daughters. I worry that it will hit you the hardest. You don’t have to be strong, Lil’ Bean, we are here for you, so promise you won’t act like you’re fine if you aren’t because we all understand,” he whispered against her head as his large beefy arms squeezed her tightly.

 Diego was about six five and a little on the heavy side. Her father had always been a tall muscular man but age was catching up to him and he’d put on a bit of extra weight in the last few years. He wasn’t overweight by any stretch of the imagination but he was heavier than he’d been a few years ago. His lifestyle required him to do a lot of physical labor and it showed in the tanned skin and the muscles that lined his body. His eyes were crinkled at the corners and filled with the sadness of their loss as they looked down at her.

Tessa felt another wave of sadness burn inside her chest as she looked up at him. This one wasn’t about the loss of her abuela and came with a healthy dose of guilt. She wished he would understand what she was planning but she knew he wouldn’t. Tessa could share her plans with him but then he would try to stop her from leaving and that she couldn’t allow. It wasn’t that he didn’t love her—he did—but he wouldn’t approve of her leaving the compound to start a life outside of the security their home offered. He wouldn’t think of it as imprisoning her but that’s what he’d do without realizing it. He would use her guilt to trap her here and she couldn’t allow that so she had to stay silent and hope that one day he’d forgive her. She reached up and patted his cheek in a gesture she’d started when she was only five years old—it made her heart ache and the guilt almost overwhelmed her.

“I’m okay, pappy,” she said, watching the crinkles that wrinkled his face as he smiled down at her—sadness still evident in his eyes—but it made him look a little less heartbroken.

“I love you, Lil’ Bean,” he replied before turning to look at her sister Marie as she entered the hallway with her husband. He frowned when he saw that she was leaning heavily on Henry who held her tightly. Tessa knew Henry hadn’t been close with her grandmother but he loved her sister, which meant he was just as upset as the rest of the family over her death because it hurt Marie.

Henry was a tall, slightly thin man with a sharp profile and thick bushy brows. His narrow face made him look almost aristocratic and snobbish even though the man was anything but those two things. Tessa had never met anyone more down to earth and practical than Henry. She felt a sad smile touch her lips because somehow Marie had created a close and healthy bond with her husband despite him originally being put off by the whole doomsday prepper lifestyle she’d brought him into. It had been a little rocky that first year after they’d met through an online dating site. After a little work and a whole lot of sacrifice on Henry’s part, they’d managed to figure it out.

Despite loving Marie, Henry hadn’t wanted to give up being a pediatrician so he still worked at the local clinic three times a week. He also treated all the children at the compound as well as some of the adults when the other two doctors weren’t available. Tessa was glad they’d figured out how to make it work and that they were very happy together, although she didn’t understand why Marie hadn’t gotten out when she had the chance. If it had been Tessa, she would have left to live in the real world with Henry in a heartbeat.

“She all right?” her father asked Henry as they neared them.

“She’s okay but I’m taking her to lie down. Stress isn’t good for the baby,” Henry said looking worried.

“The baby will be fine, Henry.” Her sister’s voice was husky and a little broken. Tessa’s heart ached for her pain as well as her own. Abuela had meant the world to all of them.

“I just want you to lie down for a bit. You’re shaky and you can barely stand. I don’t want you falling,” Henry grumbled, looking grim and sad all at the same time, making an odd mixture of expressions cover his narrow face.

“You should lay down, Marie. Henry’s right,” her father said in a hard voice, looking at Marie with worry in his eyes. “He’s a doctor after all. You should listen to him.”

“I’m well aware he’s a doctor, pappy. Besides I already agreed to lie down so you can both relax,” Marie said with a heavy sigh as she rolled her eyes in Tessa’s direction.

Tessa smiled wanly at her sister. It was obvious that Marie wasn’t enjoying the overprotective behavior the two men were displaying. Tessa couldn’t blame her for feeling that way. She had always hated the way the men in her family thought women were much more fragile and breakable than they were. It was odd that they were so gung-ho about all of the women learning to defend themselves for when the inevitable doomsday scenario happened but still felt the need to protect them from everything else. It was weird and she wasn’t sure what their reasoning was because it didn’t make a damned bit of sense to her.

It all went back to that book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus because she would never understand the way a man’s mind worked. She couldn’t fathom some of the crazy ideas they came up with, namely this whole doomsday bullshit they had fed her since she was five years old. It was ridiculous really. The world might end, sure—it wasn’t that she denied it could happen—but the idea that you could prep for every possible scenario and survive it was foolish.

Marie allowed Henry to tug her down the hall towards their apartment without another word but not before she gave a small shake of her head. Tessa’s smile spread slightly—nope, she’d never understand men.

Her father was briefly distracted from the sisters’ antics by the door opening and her other sister Becky exiting with April and Todd. Tessa almost released a sigh of despair because her sister and April were not who she wanted to deal with at the moment. Becky wasn’t hateful on purpose, she tried to lecture herself sternly, she was just spoiled.

“Too bad it happened so close to my birthday. It’s really going to make my party dead dull this year, you know,” Becky was complaining.

Tessa wanted to scream at her that she should respect the woman who’d practically raised them when their mother died but she just barely held her thoughts inside. Rebeeca was selfish because she’d always been given her way. Rebecca’s behavior always set her teeth on edge. It wasn’t that her sister was heartless, she just didn’t have her priorities straight. Her father let out a large sigh and Tessa wondered if he was wishing he hadn’t spoiled Rebecca so much as he took a step forward and hugged her when she moved towards him.

Tessa could see the frown lines around Rebeca’s mouth and she wondered how much of that was about her ruined birthday party and how much was for their grandmother’s passing. Tessa didn’t want to start a fight with her sister when her father was in mourning for his mother. That decided, she unclenched her fists and with a quick kiss to her father’s cheek she headed to her room. No one tried to stop her and she was grateful because she wasn’t sure if she would have been able to contain her anger had her sister spewed more of her selfish bullshit at that moment.