I’D REALLY FUCKED everything up.
Under no circumstances should I have left Kendall alone. Even though she kept trying to convince me the arrest wasn’t my fault, I couldn’t help but feel responsible for the whole ordeal.
She was unusually quiet the entire ride to Amari’s. My friend secured us one of the bedrooms in his rooming house for the next couple of days. Amari’s place was located in the heart of the desert, away from the commotion of the city. Thankfully, Amari wasn’t conservative. As long as we were discreet, pretending to be married so the other guests weren’t tipped off, he was completely fine with Kendall and me sharing a room. He could be trusted not to rat us out.
We’d just arrived to our room when I noticed Kendall staring pensively out of the window at the sandy desert.
“Are you okay?”
“I just need a shower,” she answered without turning to me.
Her tone alarmed me. I needed to fix this. All I wanted was to undo the damage done by the arrest.
“Let me run you a bath.”
Despite the fact that she didn’t answer me, I proceeded to the bathroom to set up the tub until it was filled with water and soap. Still feeling anxious about her mindset, I returned to the bedroom and offered her my hand to lift her off the bed.
Leading her into the bathroom, I wanted nothing more than to hold her under the warm water.
“Take off your clothes,” I demanded. “But leave your bra and underwear on because we’re bathing together.”
Relieved that she didn’t protest, I took off my pants, keeping my boxer briefs on before immersing myself in the water. After she removed her dress, my cock swelled at the sight of her fit body in nothing but panties and a bra. I reached my hand out to her.
“Get in. I promise I won’t bite.”
She hesitantly dipped her legs in one by one then lowered her body in front of mine, situating herself between my knees. With her back pressed against my chest and her ass so close to my crotch, my hard-on couldn’t be helped. Hopefully, she understood.
Kendall had her hair tied back into a ponytail. Pulling at the hairband, I watched as her beautiful blonde mane came loose. Cupping some of the warm water in my hands, I repeatedly wet her hair then poured a dollop of shampoo into my palm.
I began to slowly massage her scalp as she bent her head back. “Relax, baby,” I whispered. “Just relax.” I wanted nothing more than to take care of this girl right now, make her feel safe again.
It was quiet aside from the faint sound of men speaking Arabic in the adjacent room. After several minutes of near-silence, Kendall spoke for the first time.
“Am I a fool, Carter?”
I instinctively stopped the movement of my fingers through her hair to process her question. “What do you mean?”
“What am I doing here?”
My heart sank. Hearing that question was like a punch to the gut. “You regret following me?”
She sat up a bit and paused before speaking. “You’re a beautiful man…so charismatic…such a free spirit. And you make me feel things I’ve never felt before. But I think I got carried away. I just don’t understand how I’m going to get out of whatever this is unscathed.”
“Why are you worrying about things that haven’t happened? Why can’t it just be about the present?”
“I can think of many reasons why it can’t be.”
“Okay…what are they? Talk to me. Aside from the arrest, tell me why everything that happened before that point led you to suddenly believe that all of this is a colossal mistake.” The angry tone of my own voice surprised me. My body went rigid as I waited for her response.
“It’s not just about you. I’ve been selfish. You wanna know why all of this is fucked up? Because there are two men, who I’ve led on, waiting to meet me in five days, two men who are leaving it up to me to determine if they’re going to have a family or not. Because I’m supposed to be taking prenatal vitamins, not drinking. Because I haven’t decided at all whether I’m going through with any of it. Because I overheard Jolene on the plane telling the other flight attendant—who you also screwed over—what an asshole you are. Because my lawyer who got me off the hook is yet another one of your cheap lays. Because I feel like maybe I’m a fool for thinking I’m somehow different than all of them. Because maybe my getting arrested was a sign that sleeping with you would have been a colossal mistake. Because I still don’t know if I can trust you. I can really go on and on.”
That was hard to hear, and I honestly didn’t know what to say. I could understand her doubts about me, and no matter how strongly I felt about her, there wasn’t going to be an easy way to prove it to her.
After a long silence, I finally said, “I understand the situation you’re in, and you’re right to have those concerns about me.”
“There’s just so much at stake, and I could be sacrificing everything for a man who’s going to burn me. How am I different from them, Carter? Tell me. All the other women…how am I any different?”
I knew this was it. This was my only chance to answer that question in as honest a way as possible, or I was going to lose her.
I ran my wet hands through my hair and let out a deep breath. “I’m not proud of myself for the way I’ve lived my life thus far. Everything you’ve heard…it’s all true, Kendall, all of it. I’m not trying to hide anything from you. But nothing has been the same since the day we met. I don’t know how to exactly explain why this feels different. It’s still too new. The only thing I continue to be sure of is that I want more time to figure it out, more than I want anything.”
Her breathing became heavier, and I knew I needed to look her in the eyes.
“I need you to turn around and face me.”
When she finally did, I repositioned my legs around her, locking her in. “This is me, the real me. Not the pilot, not the playboy or any of the labels branded on me because of dumb decisions. I need you to know that the last thing I want is to hurt you. I will do everything in my power to avoid that. But you have to understand that I can’t change my fucked-up past.”
Her eyes started to well up. “It’s not just you. I’m so fucked up, too, Carter.
I wiped a tear that fell down her cheek with my thumb. “We’re both fucked up. Maybe that’s what it is. Maybe we see a little of ourselves in each other. We’re two wrongs that somehow make a right. Inseparable we’re miserable, but together…we somehow work. I know this isn’t a simple situation. I know you have decisions to make.”
“I’m scared.”
“Wanna know the truth? I’m scared for you, too. When you told me what was going on with you back in Rio, I really hadn’t let it sink in. I thought a lot about it on the flight over here, actually. That’s some scary shit. But I understand your dilemma. It’s a lot of freaking money—your family’s legacy. You feel a responsibility to uphold that, and you’re trying to do it in a way that would actually help people—these guys in Germany. But you’re not ready to make a decision, Kendall. I don’t want you to make a mistake you can never take back. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that you’re just not ready to commit to having a child. That’s not gonna change in five days, either. You need more time. You need to put off that trip to Germany at least until you’re sure.”
I need more time, too.
Just give me more time with you.
“If we continue this adventure, I can’t sleep with you, Carter. As much as I want to, I decided that wouldn’t be a good idea after all.”
“I get it. I’m not gonna lie and say that makes me happy or that it will be easy for me. But I understand it and respect it. And I promise not to pressure you, either.”
We stared into each other’s eyes until I leaned in and kissed her forehead and kept my lips pressed against it. I momentarily lost my senses and my composure when I spoke against her skin, “Don’t leave me yet, Perky.”
She pulled back to look at me, and when she suddenly smiled, it felt like she’d released my heart from a chokehold. “What’s on tap today then?” she asked.
Relief.
“Well…” I smiled. “We nap. Then when we wake up, we’ll have an early dinner of some of Amari’s shawarma, then some hookah.”
“Did you just call me a hooker?” She laughed.
My laughter roared throughout the bathroom. It felt so fucking good to let it out after the tension of a few minutes ago.
“No. Hookah. Also known as shisha. It’s a water pipe used to smoke flavored tobacco. They smoke it out back after supper. It’s a tradition here. You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to. But I promise, it’s the only pipe I’ll ask you to wrap your mouth around tonight.”
Kendall playfully pinched my cheeks. “There he is. I was starting to think you were going to make this no-sex thing easy for me by shutting your dirty mouth, too.”
“Oh, I said I’d respect your decision, but there’s no way that extends to my dirty mouth.”
“I love your dirty mouth, actually.”
“Someday, Perky. Someday…when you’re ready, you’ll realize just how dirty my mouth can be all over you. And you’ll love it.”
THE BATHTUB TALK WE’D HAD seemed to bring us closer together. That night, we sat outside in back of Amari’s property, which was basically the vast, dry desert, sharing not only a hookah pipe but also stories of our childhoods.
Kendall told me all about growing up on the ranch in Texas, and I let her in on some funny secrets, like how my sisters used to put makeup on me while I slept when we were kids.
Kendall was a joy to watch as she sat with her legs crossed, blowing smoke rings from the hookah pipe with that pretty little mouth as she laughed and opened up to me.
I had never wanted her more, but as much as I was aching for a taste of her, I vowed to keep my promise not to push physical boundaries while she was in this state of limbo.
Later that night, she’d fallen asleep with her ass pressed against my side. Between the quiet of the desert and my raging hard-on, I couldn’t sleep for shit.
Desperately needing relief, I quietly got up from the bed and retreated to the bathroom. With my back leaning against the door, I closed my eyes and thought back to our time at the club, but instead of us dancing, somehow my mind had envisioned Kendall fully naked, wrapped around me as she rode my cock on the dance floor.
We were so close to Nirvana that night before I fucked up and left her alone on the street. Shaking the upsetting thought from my head, I tried to focus once again on my club fantasy.
Panting, I fisted my cock, pumping it hard as I imagined fucking her hot, wet pussy, remembering the way she smelled when our bodies were close, how much she wanted me that night, the way her tongue tasted when we kissed.
I jerked myself harder before suddenly stopping at the sound of her voice from behind the door.
“Carter? What are you doing?”
Shit.
I laughed under my breath and banged the back of my head against the wood. “Praying?”
“Do you always breathe like that when you’re praying?”
“It’s an intense prayer.”
“What are you really doing?”
“I think you might know what I’m really doing, Kendall.”
“Can I come in?”
Still fully erect, I tucked my cock back into my pants as best I could before opening the door.
Her eyes trailed down to my massive erection. “I’m sorry….to make you resort to that.”
“It’s okay. My hand and I haven’t spent time like this since I was a teenager. I think he missed me.”
“What were you thinking about?”
“You.”
“Yeah…but what specifically?”
“It was this fantasy of fucking you on the dance floor back at the club.”
She looked down at me again. Her expression was serious when she asked, “You need some help?”
“I thought you said we weren’t going to go there.”
“I can’t have sex with you. But I want to touch you. I could take my clothes off, let you finish what you started. You know…help you.”
Looking up at the ceiling, I shook my head. “You have no fucking clue, do you?”
“What do you mean?”
“How crazy you make me. There’s no halfway with you. Jerking off with your naked body right in front of me…not being able to do what I really want to you…would be torture. I don’t have that kind of willpower, not with you, not anymore. Even when I kiss you, all I can think about is burying myself inside of you. But you naked in front of me? Too much, Kendall. When you strip down for me, I want it to be when you’re ready to let me have you. Otherwise, it’s better if I don’t know what I’m missing out on.”
Looking filled with remorse, she waved her hands. “Okay. I get it. I’m sorry…for interrupting.”
“Go back to bed. I’ll be right there.”
After Kendall left, I closed my eyes in regret. Was I crazy for turning her away like that?
Now that she knew what I was up to in here, I couldn’t relax. Still needing release like a motherfucker, I turned on the shower and got in. Ironically, I jerked myself to thoughts of her naked body against the bathroom door and imagined she was watching me.
Fuck my life.