MY LUGGAGE WAS THE LAST left on the conveyor belt. How long had it travelled around in circles before I finally noticed it? How long had I even been standing here?
The joy I’d felt over the past twenty-four hours had completely transformed into a mixture of shock, panic and sadness. I couldn’t remember the last time deep sadness completely consumed me like this. My emotions had left me a frozen shell of myself as I stood in baggage claim.
I’d lost track of Cass sometime after she revealed the name of her baby’s father. To be honest, I barely remembered exiting the plane and arriving at this spot.
Finally lifting my suitcase off of the belt, I looked around at the crowds of people making their way through the airport. A part of me wanted to just run, but a bigger part knew that I had to hear it from him—that he knew her, that he was the father of this baby.
Was there a chance she could’ve been making it up? I quickly banished the thought from my brain, refusing to give myself false hope.
My head felt like it was going to implode between the intermittent intercom announcements, the sounds of the people rushing around me, and the fearful thoughts in my head. Everything seemed loud. Looking down at my phone, I realized I was late in meeting Carter at the airport lounge.
One foot in front of the other.
Go.
You have to face him.
The escalator slowly descended into what I was pretty sure was going to be my own personal hell.
When I got to the lounge, I closed my eyes to grab my bearings before entering. When I opened them, I spotted him in the corner. He was all decked out in his pilot’s uniform and looking up at a sports channel that was playing on the television. Just inside the entrance, I stood there with my heart pounding and admired his tall stature without him noticing me, for the sheer reason that it might have been the last time I could do it.
He suddenly turned around. My heart dropped when I noticed he was holding a large bouquet of flowers. When our eyes met, Carter’s mouth curved into the biggest smile. My heart was breaking with every step he took toward me. And with each step, his smile slowly faded once he realized that I was crying and that they weren’t tears of happiness.
He mindlessly threw the flowers onto a nearby table. “Perky? What’s wrong? What’s happening?”
Unable to speak, I gripped his shirt for balance.
“Did something happen on the flight?”
Still unable to form words, I nodded.
He pulled me into a hug, and I was too weak to resist. Crying into the crook of his arm, I could feel his heart beating a mile a minute against my cheek.
When he pulled back and examined my eyes again, he said, “Tell me what’s going on.” When I continued to remain silent, he begged, “Please.”
Closing my eyes, I prayed for the strength to get through this, then finally spoke.
My voice was shaky. “I sat next to a woman on the plane. She was four months pregnant.”
“Okay. It freaked you out?”
“No.”
“Did something happen to her?”
Grabbing a chair for balance, I sat down and looked up at him.
He didn’t move. “Tell me what happened, Kendall.”
“She was an off-duty flight attendant.”
“Alright. I’m not following.”
“Her name is Cass. Do you know her?”
He started to open his mouth to say something then froze when realization hit. “I do know her, yes.”
“You dated her.”
“Yes. How many times have we gone over this? It didn’t mean anything. It was before we met and…” His eyes widened, and a look of panic flashed across his face as he put two and two together. “Wait. You don’t think that I got her pregnant?”
“It’s not that I thought it. It’s that she told me that in her own words. She says you’re the father of her baby, Carter. She was flying to Florida to come tell you in person. She’s supposed to be on your flight tomorrow.”
He shook his head in disbelief then yelled, “What? No!” He knelt down to where I was seated in order to look me in the eyes. “No, Kendall. No.”
“Can you look me in the face and tell me with absolute certainty that it’s not possible that you are the father of her baby?”
His eyeballs moved from side to side as he struggled to make sense of this. He ran his hand through his hair. This news was out of left field for him too, and I had no doubt that he was in total shock.
I repeated, “Is it a possibility?”
He finally stood up and took a seat across the table from me, seemingly still too stunned to speak.
I rephrased my question. “Did you, or did you not sleep with her four months ago?”
“Yes,” he whispered. “I did.”
“So, it’s technically possible.”
The light drained from his eyes as it truly hit him. It was possible.
He couldn’t deny it.
Leaning his head into his hands, he asked, “We don’t know anything. What if she’s lying about the pregnancy?”
“She didn’t know who I was, Carter. She had no reason to lie to me.”
Still holding the sides of his head with both hands, he just continued to look up at me. The fear within me was expanding with each second that I witnessed the fear in his eyes growing. I had wanted him to tell me Cass was delusional. I had wanted him to tell me it was all a lie. I had wanted him to make me feel safe, and he couldn’t. He simply couldn’t prove anything one way or the other.
My mother’s voice rang out in my head. “You’re gonna end up with no one, and we’re gonna end up destitute!”
Carter’s own words from the past also came back to haunt me. “I would never turn my back on my kid. There is nothing more important than a child or their best interests.”
My head was spinning. “I’m sorry, Carter.”
“Sorry? What are you saying?”
“I have to leave.”
He grabbed my hands. “Perky, no. Don’t do this. Whatever happens, we can get through it. I prom—”
“I can’t.” Shaking my head with tears streaming down my cheeks, I repeated, “I can’t. I’m so sorry.”
“Can’t what?”
“I can’t be with you.”
Something I never expected from him happened as he continued to stare at me. His eyes began to glisten. Being the man that he was, he fought back the tears as he stared at me incredulously.
Unable to stand seeing him so hurt, I forged a lie. “I was going to tell you that I decided to go ahead with the insemination anyway. So, I suppose this timing is just as well.”
His eyes were red. “That’s bullshit.”
“No.”
“Don’t lie to me,” he spewed.
I needed to rip the Band-Aid off. My eyes were still filled with tears as I suddenly got up and walked over to my suitcase.
“I have to leave.”
He followed closely behind me. “Kendall, don’t do this.”
“I have no choice.”
“What if this is a lie, or if it’s not…what if the baby isn’t mine? We don’t know anything yet,” he pleaded.
“What if it is?” I screamed.
“Then, it won’t matter. I belong to you. This doesn’t change anything.”
“It changes everything, Carter! Everything. I’ve never felt more pain in my life than I do in this moment. I can’t handle it. If you ever really loved me, please just let me go.” My tears were now blinding me when I whispered one last time, “Let me go.”
My words seemed to have gotten through to him. He stood there frozen as he watched me walk away. I focused on the rolling sound of my suitcase, fighting the urge to turn back around to look at him one last time.
I didn’t.
I needed to get out of the International Airlines gate as fast as possible.
Fifteen minutes later, I found myself at the Lufthansa Airlines ticket desk.
“When is your next flight to Munich?”
After searching the computer, the attendant said, “We have one that leaves in an hour with a stopover in New York.”
I closed my eyes to shun off the immense sadness creeping in as I realized what I was about to do. Everything was flashing before my eyes: Rio, Dubai, Amsterdam, Boca. The love that grew more and more with each step of our journey. I still loved him, and I knew I always would, but I couldn’t risk losing everything. More so, I couldn’t handle the pain. Carter fathering another woman’s baby was just too hard to accept. I loved him too much and couldn’t witness him living out a part of our dream with someone else. I had been looking for signs to help me make a decision. I would say landing that seat next to Cass was just about the biggest sign I could’ve gotten.
Before I had a chance to change my mind, I let out a long breath and finally answered the attendant. “I’ll take it.”