“LAST WEEK, WE EXPLORED your past, what happened with Lucy. We didn’t have enough time to revisit the situation you alluded to, that brought you here to seek help. So, I think we should delve into that today, if that’s okay with you. I’d like you to tell me about her,” Dr. Lemmon said.
“Alright.”
“Take your time.”
Suddenly, it felt like I couldn’t breathe. The words just wouldn’t come out.
“Sorry. This is just not easy for me. I haven’t spoken about her with anyone. I’ve spent the past several months basically running, spending even less time at home than before because, even though she was only there with me a short time, it’s the place that now reminds me of her the most because it’s where we…” I hesitated, “Consummated our relationship.”
“Tell me about her,” she repeated.
“Her name was Kendall. Uh, is Kendall. I mean she’s not dead. She’s still out there somewhere.”
“How did you meet?”
“At the airport.”
“Not too unusual for a pilot, I suppose.”
“Yeah, but our story was anything but usual.”
The next twenty minutes was spent describing the weeks that Kendall and I fell in love. The words flowed freely until I came upon the hard part.
“So, she called you and said she was meeting you at the airport. It sounded good. You assumed that she was going to take you up on your offer to father her baby. You felt ready to be a father…”
I closed my eyes. “Yes. Yes, I did. With her…I did.”
“What happened that day?”
I continued my story, painfully recalling the last moments with Kendall inside the airport lounge before she revealed her run-in with Cass and walked out of my life for good.
Dr. Lemmon took off her glasses, seeming affected by my story. “That must have been a very difficult moment.”
“I still can’t wrap my head around it, how everything just crumbled so fast.”
“Do you blame her for leaving so abruptly?”
“No. No, I don’t. I might’ve done the same thing in her shoes.”
“What did you do after she left?”
“I stayed at the lounge in disbelief. It took me a couple of hours to work up the energy to go home. I had a friend pick me up, because I’d had a lot to drink, so I passed out on my bed and slept the entire night until it was time to wake up for my flight the next day.”
“How was that?”
“Just as Kendall had warned me, Cass showed up. She worked the flight and told me she needed to talk to me about something important once we landed. After we got to Brazil, she told me everything…that she was pregnant and carrying my baby.”
“What was your reaction?”
“I was despondent, too heartbroken to even think about the big picture. At that point, all I could think about was losing Kendall. Nothing else mattered. I told Cass I would help support the baby if it turned out to be mine, but that I wouldn’t be able to give her anything more. I made it clear I would insist on a blood test once the baby was born.”
“Was she okay with that?”
“She wasn’t happy with my lack of interest or excitement, but there was nothing I could do to change that. I didn’t want that life with her. All I cared about was Kendall and had no energy to deal with anything else.”
“What ever became of Kendall?”
“I wish I knew.”
She looked stunned. “You don’t know?”
“To this day, I don’t know. She said she planned to go along with the insemination, but whether she really followed through is a mystery.”
“Have you tried calling her?”
“Yes. Several times. She either disconnected her phone or changed her number, but I haven’t gotten through. I remember her telling me her mother’s name once. I mailed a letter to an Annabelle Sparks in Dallas but still don’t know if it ever got to Kendall. I can’t find her on social media. I don’t know what else to do, or if she even wants to see me if I did locate her.”
Dr. Lemmon jotted down some notes before looking back up at me. “Tell me what happened…with the baby.”
“I was at the hospital when he was born. She named him Aidan. I didn’t know how to feel, because a part of me still didn’t believe he was mine. At the same time, I felt guilty for not feeling more.”
“Is he yours?”
“Two weeks after he was born, she finally had the blood test done. The days waiting for the results were torture.”
“And?”
“He’s not my son.” I let out a long breath. Anytime I relived that moment of truth, I couldn’t help feeling the same relief as the first time all over again.
Dr. Lemmon repositioned herself in her seat. “Wow.”
“Yeah.”
“How did you feel about that?”
“It was an odd mix of anger and relief—relief because it absolved me of any responsibility in a situation I never chose, but anger because of all that I’d lost as a result. Things I can never get back.”
The woman I’d never get back.
The family I’d never get back.
The life I’d never get back.
“What has your life been like since finding out the truth?”
“It hasn’t changed much, to be honest. Working as many hours as I can. Going through the motions. What I’ve always done.”
“You use your job as a means to hide from your demons. First it was Lucy. Now it’s Kendall.”
I raised my voice in defense. “What do you suggest I do?”
Aren’t I paying you to tell me what the fuck to do?
“Until you know what’s become of Kendall, you won’t find that inner peace. Coming here was a good first step, but there is nothing I can do to keep this from haunting you.”
“I told you. I tried to contact her. I don’t know where she is.”
“You said you have a potential address in Texas. Why not go there, see if you can find out what’s happening in her life?”
I couldn’t bring myself to respond, even though I knew the truth; I was scared shitless. Scared of what she’d been through, scared of upsetting her, scared of the unknown. One thing was for certain; if I knew she wanted to see me, I would be there in a heartbeat.
THE THERAPY SESSION had left me drained. Instead of feeling better, it felt like the floodgates guarding my sanity had burst open.
That night, back at my condo in Boca, I was hanging up my uniforms that I’d picked up from the dry cleaner when my eyes landed on white fur at the back corner of my closet. It was exactly where I’d tossed it away months ago.
I’d bought a teddy bear in Venezuela and planned to give it to Kendall if she’d taken me up on my offer. I took the bear and stared at it as I sat on the edge of my bed.
“I should have tossed you in the trash. Then, I wouldn’t have to look at you right now.”
Great. Now, I was talking to inanimate objects.
“What do you think? Should I go to Texas? Try to find her?”
You’re fucking nuts, Carter.
“What do I have to lose? I’ve lost everything, right?”
Bringing the bear closer to my face, I said, “I’m letting you make the decision. If you continue to remain silent, I’m going to assume that you don’t object.”
I placed it on top of my dresser and stood back, crossing my arms and still staring at it.
“Speak now or forever hold your peace,” I said before lying on my bed and opening my laptop.
With three days off before I was due to fly to Rio, I used my miles and booked a flight to DFW Airport.
Turning to the chest of drawers, I pointed to the stuffed animal. “If this blows up in my face, I’m blaming you.”
THE SPRAWLING RANCH was at least eight acres. There were a few horses grazing, but it seemed pretty desolate and unkempt given the size of the property.
The infamous Sparks Ranch.
I’d always wanted to see where Kendall grew up; I just didn’t expect to be visiting this place without her.
A blonde woman who looked like she might’ve been beautiful twenty years ago opened the door. She had a cigarette hanging from her mouth and smelled like booze. “Can I help you?”
“Do you live here?”
“Yes, this is my property.”
“Are you Annabelle?”
“Yes. Who are you?”
“I’m looking for your daughter, Kendall. My name is Carter Clynes. I used to know her.”
She took a long drag then blew the smoke out, pointing her finger at me. “Oh my God. It’s you. You’re the pilot.”
“Yes. She spoke of me?”
“She did.”
That pleased me.
“Is she here?”
“No. My daughter hasn’t been here in months.”
Filled with dread, I asked, “Where is she?”
“Beats the hell out of me. Kendall made it clear she did not want me to know her whereabouts.”
“When was the last time she was here?”
“She’d taken a trip to Germany. Wouldn’t tell me what happened there. Trip lasted about two weeks. I only found out she’d gone there from the ticket on her luggage, otherwise she wouldn’t have even given me that much.”
“How long was she here for after returning from Germany?”
“A couple of days. She said she was just grabbing her things and leaving again. She told me not to worry about her.”
“She didn’t say whether she was going through with the insemination?”
“No. My daughter much prefers to torture me, changed her phone number, making it impossible for me to find her. She would prefer to leave me here suffering, wondering if I’m gonna lose everything or not. We don’t have much time left. If she hasn’t given birth to a male baby, everything will be gone soon. It’ll be the end of my world as I know it.”
This woman was unbelievable. It took everything in me not to tell her to go fuck herself. But I needed her not to kick me out just yet. “I would say that’s being a little dramatic, Ma’am. You know, there is the option of downsizing and getting a job. It’s hardly the end of the world just because you can’t maintain this property or lifestyle. At this point, I think you should be more concerned about your daughter’s well-being.”
She chose to ignore my comments. “What is it you want?”
“I need to find her.”
Annabelle walked over to an ashtray and put the cigarette out. “I’m sorry. As I said, I can’t help you.”
Looking around the vast living space, I asked, “Does she have a bedroom here?”
“Yes.”
“Would it be okay if I took a peek inside to see if I can find any clues as to her whereabouts?” When she seemed to hesitate, I said, “It could benefit both of us if we can locate her.”
She lit another cigarette, took a long puff and shrugged. “Go on ahead. Second door on the left up the stairs.”
Nodding my head once, I said, “Thank you.”
The door creaked open as I entered Kendall’s room. The sun was pouring into the space, casting a shadow on her light yellow bedspread. Everything was so clean, delicate and feminine, just like her. My heart felt heavy as I traced my fingers along her personal items.
My hand stopped along a framed picture of Kendall with an older man that might have been her grandfather. It was a few years old. Seeing her beautiful smile again only made me more determined than ever to find her.
After scouring the room, nothing of informational value turned up. I felt defeated. Opening her half-empty closet, I lifted a few of the remaining dresses one by one, smelling each one, hoping for any recognition of her scent.
My hand landed on something unusual. I froze. Hanging in the leftmost corner of the closet was a tiny suit made for a baby boy. It was navy with piping down the sides and looked like a little pilot’s uniform. I looked at the tag. The name of the brand was Carter’s.
Holy shit.
I took it down from the rack, and that was when I saw it: a pair of pilot’s wings pinned to the front of the suit. Filled with painful longing, I closed my eyes and remembered her words from one of our last conversations before everything was destroyed.
“I bought something today that reminded me of you.”
This must have been what she was going to bring me. It was proof that she had been planning to take me up on the offer. She wanted the baby, too, just as much as I did. I clutched the suit to my chest.
She lied about having decided on Germany. But the truth of the matter was, she did end up going there. I needed to know what happened, where she was. I needed to tell her that I still love her and accept whatever decision she’d made.
Would I still love her if she gave birth to another man’s baby?
Yes.
Goddammit. Yes, I would.
I needed to find her.
Think.
Think.
Think.
Could I get the FBI involved? The police? She’d willingly left. They weren’t going to spend time looking for her. I could hire a private investigator, but would that make her angry if she found out I’d done that against her will?
Then, I had a light bulb moment. In two days, I would be in Rio again. If there was anyone who might help solve this mystery, it was her crazy ass. This wasn’t a job for the police.
This was a job for Maria Rosa.