Chapter Six

56 years old

THE CLUB AS A WHOLE HAS HAD A LOT OF UPS AND DOWNS over the last six years. Today is the worst of those days though. We rescued Tank’s girl and ended up finding a whole shitload of girls that were being held hostage by the cartel. These girls were going to be sold to the highest fucking bidder. Maddie was involved because of some douche bag named Jason. He was Maddie’s ex and decided that she was a better punching bag and money maker than anything else.

As retaliation, the cartel decided to blow our fucking clubhouse up. Ma was inside with the kids and had no chance of getting out. She was killed on impact and I’m left with my heart shattered and my world torn to fucking pieces. Alana ‘Ma’ Johnson was love of my life and the center of my entire world. She’s the glue that held this club together and made sure that every single girl the guys took as an old lady knew what they were getting into and that they had someone to turn to when there was a problem. Right now, I’m ready to lay down on the grounds of the clubhouse and wait until I die. Death will not come soon enough for me.

I’m at the hospital waiting with everyone surrounding me while the injured are tended to and the kids are looked at. This is the last fucking place I want to be. So, I get up and walk out of the hospital in a daze. My feet carry me to my bike as if on autopilot and I straddle the only girl that I have left in my desolate life. The tears start streaming down my face as I turn the bike on and let the rumble and vibrations take over. Pulling out of the hospital parking lot, I have no clue where I’m going until I pull into the driveway of the house I’ve shared with my Alana for the last several years. It’s the second house we’ve ever owned as man and wife. It’s not the house that our kids grew up in, but it’s the house that our grandkids were in. Alana made this home even better than our original home in North Carolina.

For the longest time, I sit straddling my bike and looking at the house. Ma hasn’t even been gone from me that long and I can already feel the love she put into this house slipping away. It already feels like nothing more than a cold, lonely shell. How am I supposed to walk in there knowing that my girl will never again step foot through the door? How can I go in there and to the bed we shared knowing that I’ll never hold her in my arms again?

I can’t imagine it. So, I finally get off my bike and make my way toward the garage out back. It was my ‘man cave’ as Ma called it. There’s a bottle of my favorite, Jack Daniels sitting there waiting for me; calling my name as I walk through the door. Maybe if I drink enough I’ll be able to walk inside the house. If I drink enough, maybe I won’t remember the pain that I feel as my heart continues to shatter in a million pieces.

Sitting down in the leather recliner that Ma picked out for me when we moved here, I continue to let the tears slide silently down my face and drip onto my lap. As I pick the bottle of Jack up, I take the top off and throw it somewhere across the room. There’s no point in grabbing a glass when I know that I’m going to drink the entire contents of the bottle. If I’m lucky, I’ll die with it in my hand while I sit here and mourn the loss of my wife. A loss that I’ll never get over.

It’s been a week since the explosion of the clubhouse and today is the day that I bury my precious Ma. Hell, if I’m honest, it’s really the first day that I’ve seen anyone. I’ve stayed in my garage, drinking, and staying alone. The day she died, I trashed the entire room. There wasn’t a single picture, glass, or bottle that wasn’t smashed to pieces on the walls and floors. Anything that wasn’t tied down was fair game as I took out my rage and sorrow on inanimate objects. That did absolutely nothing to quench the rage and pain I feel.

Bailey, Joker, and the rest of the guys have been blowing my phone up. I got so sick of hearing the fucking thing go off that I smashed it days ago. The only reason I know that I have to go to the cemetery today is because Joker, Cage, and Tank stopped by and found me. So, I’m now waiting for Bailey and Grim to pick me up. If they think I’m riding in some fucking limousine or car, they’re out of their damn minds. I’ll be riding my girl.

Grim arrives to pick me up and Bailey isn’t with him. “Where the fuck is my daughter?” I growl out, confused and hurt by her not being here.

“She wouldn’t get out of bed. I tried and she’s lyin’ there curled up in a ball,” Grim tells me.

“Fuck that!” I say roaring out of the driveway. My daughter will not miss burying her mother and the others. They are our family and she will be there. Even if I have to drag her ass out of bed.

I don’t pay attention to anything as I make my way to my daughter’s house. Roaring into the area the houses are built, I ignore all the stares and looks being tossed my way. Stopping in the driveway to their house, I kick the kickstand down before storming into the house. Making my way to the bedroom, I stop in the doorway. Bailey is curled up in bed, sobbing uncontrollably. My heart breaks even more as I see her torn to pieces over the loss of everyone.

“Daddy, I can’t do this,” she says, as the tears continue to stream down her face unchecked.

“We’re gonna do this together,” I tell her, walking in the room and stopping once I make it to the end of the bed. “Now, get up so we can go and get this day over with. Your mama wouldn’t want to see either one of us the way we are right now. I’m gonna work on gettin’ back to livin’ my life.”

Bailey sits up and wraps her arms around me as I stand there and hold her. We need to do this today so that we can begin to move forward. This moment right here though, is something that Bailey and I need. It’s our moment where we can be alone and begin the healing process. Will we ever get over losing Ma? Fuck no! But we will learn to live our lives in a new way. One that doesn’t have that bright light shining from her that encompasses everyone surrounded by her.

“We need to go baby girl. Get around so we can get down there,” I tell her, giving her a kiss on the head before walking out of the room. “I’ll be waitin’ downstairs for you.”

We’re finally at the cemetery. The ride was long and extremely hard. I’m used to having Ma ride behind me and that will never happen again. Bailey made her way over to me as soon as we got here and I wrapped her in my arms before handing her over to Grim. She needs to learn to lean on him for strength and to let him in when she’s hurting this bad. I will always be her daddy, but today I need my own space too.

We stand around and wait for the ceremony to start. People are crying, there are anger and rage on faces, and others are standing back and letting those of us that knew these individuals the best be front and center as we lay them to rest. Honestly, the only thing I want to do right now is sit on the ground next to where my wife will lay to rest and be alone. I know that there’s nothing in the coffin resting in her spot. Just like I know she’ll be by my side for the rest of my days on earth. But, I have to get through this part of the day first. After that, my time is my own.

I stand there and listen as everyone speaks. I’ve been debating whether or not to get up there and say anything. There’s a big part of me that wants to keep the true beauty that Ma exuded to myself, but another part of me wants to share her with the world. No one will ever find a woman as good as she was. I know I’ll never ever find a love like I had with her. There’s no way that I’d want to. Before I know it, I find myself standing in front of the crowd. Clearing my throat and wiping my tears away, I look at the picture of Ma that someone brought here today. My breath leaves me as I take in her beauty that radiates off of a simple picture.

“This entire club has suffered a tremendous loss. We’ve lost some good men and women that will never be able to replace. I’m here to talk about Ma. She has been the love of my life and my strength that I don’t know what I’m goin’ to do without her. When I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, she was there to pull me back from the oblivion. Ma gave me two beautiful children that I couldn’t be prouder of,” I begin, pausing to wipe the tears away as memories flood my brain about our life together. “Those of you that were lucky enough to know her, could see that she didn’t care if you were blood or not. Everyone she came into contact with became family to her. The boys that have taken over the club were all her sons in one way or another. But, we didn’t have enough time. I’ll never have enough time with her. Now, she’s gone and my strength is gone with her. My light has left and I’m findin’ myself surrounded by a darkness that I can’t climb out of.”

There’s no way that I can continue on. Bailey and Joker walk up to me as I break down to the point that I can’t say another word. The three of us walk by the grave and I stop. I bend down and lay my head on the coffin and spend a minute not moving. My kids stay by my side the entire time and wait until I’m ready to move on. Once I stand up, we walk over to my bike so that I can have time to be alone. I’m surrounded by my kids and family but there isn’t a ray of sunshine to warm my body or make me want to go on. Today was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be.

Shortly after I walk away, everyone begins to make their way toward their bikes or cars. The Clifton Falls club members stand by the graves and begin to throw handfuls of dirt once the caskets are lowered into the ground. Joker and Bailey never leave my side as we watch from afar. I’m just waiting for everyone else to leave so that I can have my time with Ma. I don’t want anyone else around as I continue to break down.

As the last person leaves, Grim comes over to get Bailey so they can make their way back to the clubhouse. I nod at my daughter as she continues to watch me. She wants to make sure that I’m going to be okay, but doesn’t want to come out and ask me. My daughter is smart and knows that I’ll tell her what I want her to hear anyway. I usually don’t sugarcoat things for my kids and tell them the truth. But not with this. My pain is clearly written on my face and no one needs to ask me how I’m doing to know that I’m suffering.

Alone now, I walk over to the pile of dirt that covers the grave. Sitting down on the cold, damp earth, I hang my head as the tears continue to pour down my face. “What am supposed to do now? How do I go on livin’ without you here by my side? I don’t know how to go on without you. You have been there for every single fuckin’ thing in my life that was important. You’ve been the backbone of the club and our family. My heart was breakin’ as I saw our daughter curled up sobbin’ and I couldn’t comfort her the way that you would have. I couldn’t love her the way I should because I’m so lost in my own fuckin’ grief. Fuck! Why did it have to happen? We didn’t get nearly enough time baby girl. Remember, we were supposed to have at least a hundred years together? Not the short amount of time that I was special enough to be surrounded by your warmth, your love, and in your life.”

I don’t leave Ma’s side until it’s so dark that I can’t see a foot in front of my face. As I go to stand up, the wind picks up and when I look around, I can see the branches of the trees move enough to let me see the sky full of stars. I can see the surrounding area a little better. Immediately my mind goes back to the first time Ma and I danced under the stars in a field of wild flowers. A chill moves down my spine and I close my eyes as I feel Ma’s love surround me. I must be losing my damn mind. Ma isn’t here. It’s not fucking fair that she’s not here with me. Taking one last look at the headstone sitting at her grave, I walk over and place a kiss on the top of it before turning toward my bike. If I look back now, I know that I’ll never leave. So, I keep my eyes forward and pray that I learn how to live a life without Ma. A life that I can help those left move forward and learn to keep on loving and living the way that Ma would want us all to.