I’m an asshole.

There’s really no other way to say it. No other way to express how absolutely horrible I feel. I feel sick and guilty and… satisfied.

Blissfully fucking satisfied.

What the hell have I done?

Jackie pokes her head into my office and knocks twice on the door frame. “Hey, slut,” she says, walking in. “I’m taking lunch orders. What do you want?”

I kick my heel and spin my desk chair in her direction. “I’m an asshole,” I say.

She hangs her head, sighs, and plops down into the chair across from me. “Why?” she asks, crossing her legs and settling in for as long as this will take.

I sit forward. “Max made me dinner last night.”

“I know,” she murmurs.

“It was great.”

“Okay.”

“Then, we had sex on my kitchen table.”

Her brow peaks with interest. “Go on…”

“He left shortly after,” I continue. “Early meeting today.”

“Pretty standard dating practice so far, hun.”

“Then,” I pause, “Thad showed up.”

She blinks in suspense. “Did they run into each other?”

I shake my head. “No, but if he’d been like twenty minutes earlier, they would have.”

“Wow.” She exhales. “Close call.”

“Very close.”

“What happened with Thad?” she asks. I tilt my head at her and her lips curl. “Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Two guys in one night? Again?”

I cringe. “Yeah.”

“Good for you!”

“No, Jackie.” I deflate. “Not good for me. Nothing about this is good for me.”

She frowns. “Did they like… not do it right or something?”

“No, they did it right. They did it very, very right. That’s not the point.”

“Direct me to the point, please,” she says, drawing a quick arch with her fingers.

I look at her, hesitating under the crushing weight of it all. “I’m a bad person,” I finally say.

“You?” She scoffs. “No. You’re not a bad person. You’re a gluttonous person. Maybe a lustful person. Definitely greedy.” Her face contorts. “That’s three out of seven — but that ain’t bad.”

I fall back and stare up at the ceiling. “How did I let this happen? Who the hell am I?”

She laughs. “Okay, you are blowing this whole thing way out of proportion.”

“Am I?” I drop my chin. “Am I really?”

“Yes.”

“How?”

“You’re casually dating two men, neither of which you’ve had the relationship talk with,” she explains. “I mean, I’d understand if there were feelings involved but you’re just having fun with these guys, right?”

I don’t answer.

She squints. “Right?”

I stay quiet, sinking even more into my chair.

“Okay. So, you have feelings for one of them,” she says. “That’s great. Break it off with the other one and go exclusive. Easy peasy. Done. Now, let’s get ice cream.”

Jackie stands up from her chair, instantly slowing down as I bite my lip in shame. She stares at me, eyes narrowing into slits as she rests her hands on her hips.

She clears her throat. “Phoebe…”

“Yeah?” I squeak.

“You didn’t fall for two men, did you?”

“… I might have.”

She groans, rolling her eyes. “Phoebe.”

“I didn’t mean to!” I say, throwing up my hands. “It just happened!”

“I told you not to do one thing. One thing.”

I collapse against my palms. “I know.”

“And you gone and done it.”

“I know.”

She sighs. “Part of me is proud. The other… not so much.”

I drop my hands. “What do I do?”

“This must be what parenthood is like.”

“How do I fix this?” I ask.

“Now I understand why my mother drinks.”

“Jackie,” I say, panic rising. “Focus, please. What do I do?”

“You choose,” she answers. “Obviously.”

“Well, which one do I choose?”

“I don’t know.” She smirks. “Whose got the bigger dick?”

I blink. “Seriously?”

“Okay — but stick a pin in that question because I do kinda wanna know.”

“No.”

“Fine.” She rolls her eyes and sits back down. “Max and Thad. Thad and Max,” she mutters, chewing on her lip. “All right. What do you like about Thad?”

I picture his face in bed this morning. Rough stubble over dimpled cheeks. “He’s so much fun,” I say. “He makes me laugh harder than I ever have. He’s creative and not nearly as dumb as he wants people to think he is. He looks at me and my stomach turns somersaults…”

“Uh-huh.” She nods. “And who does the little fat girl with braces want?”

“Max.” His name drops and my lips tingle with his kiss. “He’s sweet and charming. He touches me and all my dreams come true. The world makes sense.” My chest caves in. “But Thad… he’s the guy who takes you on a million adventures. Life will never be boring.”

Jackie leans in an inch. “And Max?”

“He’s the guy you bring home.” I swallow the lump down my throat. “What the hell is wrong with me?”

“You’re in love with two men,” she says with a shrug.

“Yeah. I think I am. I didn’t even know that was possible, but I am.”

“Do they both love you?” she asks.

“I don’t know. I hope so.” I sigh as it sinks in. “I’m an asshole.”

Jackie flexes her jaw. “This is so unfair. I don’t even have one secret boy toy. Why do you get two?”

I kick my ankle on the floor and turn away to stare out the window.

I can’t choose. I can’t stand in front of two perfect doorways and only walk through one of them. I’ll spend the rest of my life torn over whether or not I made the right decision.

But I can’t stand out in the hallway forever, either.