Chapter Thirty
Bailey
The hospital bed in my dad’s room had been stripped of all the linens, and his medications were all packaged in the leather case he’d used. I sat there in his room, staring around at all the pictures that lined his dresser, his nightstand, and hung on his walls. Most were of him when he was younger, with his old Navy buddies or with my mom.
I started to cry at the thought of not having many recent pictures of him, of how I remembered him before he fallen ill.
“Knock, knock,” Joy, the hospice nurse hired to care for my dad, poorly mimicked a doorbell as she made her way into the house.
She appeared in the doorway, her blonde hair pulled into a tight bun and the wrinkles deep in her forehead from the stress of her job. She said she loved it, but I knew it couldn’t be easy to lose a patient every few weeks, sometimes more. I did appreciate her smile and her kindness through the week that she cared for my dad. He enjoyed her visits and always had a joke to crack whenever she entered the room.
“How are you doing?” she asked, looking around.
I shrugged. “It’s weird with him gone,” I admitted.
“He was an alley cat, that’s for sure. I bet it’s pretty quiet now,” she smiled.
I nodded, fighting back the tears. I was tired of crying, and I knew my dad wouldn’t want me sitting here sulking. He was happy with my mom in the arms of his love, and he wished only the same for me.
“I noticed a large backpack in the living room. Are you going somewhere?” Joy asked, sitting beside me on the bed.
“I thought about taking a hike in the mountains,” I sighed, not ready to admit my real reason for the trip to anyone.
“Didn’t you have a pretty bad experience last time?” she gasped.
It was a small town, so obviously word had spread pretty quickly about the teacher who got stuck on the mountainside with the hermit.
“I wouldn’t say it was bad,” I smiled.
“You’re one tough cookie. Your daddy told me you were the strongest woman he’d ever met,” she winked.
“I don’t know if I’m going or not yet. I just packed, so if I decide to go I’m ready,” I stated.
“Well, the clouds look dark, and they were talking about another storm, so be careful,” she warned.
She got up and walked towards the nightstand, picking up the leather bag of medication. She pulled a red folder from her briefcase, placing it on the bed. I watched as she opened it, sorting through papers until finding the one she wanted. Her nails were perfectly manicured, painted pink to match her lips. I wondered how she found time to care for her nails with such a hard job. I looked down at my own nails, broken, chipped, and without polish. I hadn’t done anything for myself since I’d returned home and was in desperate need of a day at the spa.
“I just need to go through the medication with you and have you sign a release,” she stated.
With each bottle she pulled from the bag, she would read the name, the dosage, and then count how many pills were left before writing it down on her sheet.
“Do you want to keep the medication or have us dispose of it for you?” she asked.
“Dispose of it for me, please,” I smiled.
I didn’t want to see the orange and white bottles all over the house. It made me feel like dad should still be there, and it gave me knots in my stomach when I had to realize he wasn’t and never would be again. He was gone.
“Okay, just sign here,” she handed me the paper and a pen.
I signed my name, took a deep breath, and swallowed hard to rid the lump in my throat.
“Is there anything else I can do?” Joy asked sweetly.
I shook my head. I stood to see her out, extending my hand to offer thanks, but she pulled me into her full breasts, squeezing me tightly as if we’d been best friends for years. It was nice, soothing, and even though at first a little awkward, I didn’t fight it.
“You can call me if you need anything,” she added, handing me a card with her number before she made her exit.
I fell back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. I watched the fan spin round and round, creating shadows on the walls with each turn. My thoughts drifted to my dad and everything he’d said to me over the last week. His words were the reason I’d packed a bag, ready to make the trip up the mountain to Xander, but I couldn’t bring myself to actually walk out of the front door.
My phone buzzed, pulling me back to reality. I slid my finger across the answer button when I noticed Lila’s name on the screen.
“Hey, I just saw Joy leave. You okay?” she asked.
“I’m okay,” I sighed.
“Do you want some help cleaning up his room?” she offered.
“I don’t know if I’m ready,” I admitted.
“I was going to bring you some lunch,” she suggested.
My stomach had been growling all morning, but I ignored it to tend to other things. I packed my backpack full with essentials just in case, like flashlights, lighters, food, water, a tent, and plenty of warm clothes.
“You don’t have to do that,” I asserted.
“Nonsense. I’ll be there in a couple minutes,” she insisted.
I knew she’d push me to make the trip up the mountain, so I didn’t fight her. I needed that push.
I was still lying on my dad’s bed when Lila came through the door. I heard her yelling for me as she traveled through the house, but didn’t answer.
“There you are,” she gushed, rolling her eyes as she stared at my lump of an image on the stripped bed.
“C’mon, let’s eat,” she insisted, moving towards me with her hand extended.
I let her held me up and to my feet, and then followed her into the kitchen. She held a speckled blue pot with oven mitts, and the smell tugged at my hunger pains.
“Clam chowder?” I chirped, hopeful she’d remembered it was my favorite.
“Of course,” she grinned, placing the pot on the small iron rack in the center of the kitchen table.
She grabbed a couple bowls from the cabinet, and then two large spoons before sitting down beside me.
I opened the lid, and the smell was intoxicating as it wafted out of the pot from the steam. I scooped a large ladle full and poured it into one of the bowls and then repeated the process for the other.
The bowl warmed my cold hands as I pulled it towards me, quickly pushing my spoon into it and bringing that first bite to my mouth.
“You’re amazing,” I moaned.
“Oh yeah, if I’m so amazing, why wouldn’t you tell me you’re leaving?” she questioned.
I froze in front of her, my expression chiseled like stone on my face.
“I-er-uh,” I stammered, struggling for what to say.
“Okay, so you didn’t tell me, so tell me now. Where are you going?” she asked.
“I don’t know if I’m going anywhere. It was a stupid idea,” I scoffed.
I lifted the spoon filled with the delicious chowder to my mouth, unable to stop eating even with Lila grilling me. I should’ve told her.
“Where are you not going because it’s stupid?” she pushed.
My cheeks started to burn, and I knew I was blushing. Making eye contact with Lila was making me giggle nervously, and it was growing obvious by her expression that she knew exactly where I wasn’t going.
“This is about Xander?” she questioned with a wide smile.
“Yes,” I admitted.
I slurped up another spoonful of the chowder, my eyes remaining in the bowl and not on Lila.
“You were going to climb up that damn mountain again without telling anyone where you were? Have you not learned your lesson?” she scolded.
I shrugged.
“Bailey, that’s dangerous,” she shrieked. “But so romantic,” she cooed.
I laughed at her bouncing emotions.
“I packed an extra battery for my phone, a signal booster, and even a long range walkie-talkie, and I was leaving one here with a note for you,” I groveled.
“Are you fuckin’ serious?” she gasped.
I got up from the table, grabbed the walkie-talkie, and the note and set it on the table in front of her.
“See?” I pleaded.
“Bailey, a note? Why didn’t you talk to me about this, and why are you saying you’re not going?” she whined.
“It was a spontaneous decision, one I made late last night. I couldn’t sleep, and this house, fuck, this house was making me nuts it’s so quiet. I figured I’d leave early, and I didn’t want to wake you,” I explained.
“So what’s changed your mind?” she asked.
“I don’t know. I think I was just lonely, and for some reason, I thought that Xander could make me feel better, but he can’t. It’s selfish of me to go up and expect him to console me,” I went on.
“I think it’s a great idea, but maybe not today,” she warned.
“Why not today?” I groaned.
“The weather doesn’t look so great,” she pointed out, motioning out the window with her nose to the black clouds covering the sun.
“I checked the radar. It looks like it’s to the west of us,” I insisted.
“So now you want to go?” she chuckled.
“I don’t know what I want. I know my dad told me I needed love and that he would want me to go after it,” I sighed.
“What do you want?” she pushed.
“I want Xander,” I smirked.
“Then you should go,” she winked.
I continued scooping up the chowder, thinking of what she’d said with each bite. I wanted her to come push me, and push me she did. What was I waiting for? Better weather? This was Maine; there may never be a promise of great weather.
“Okay, I’m going,” I boasted, leaning back in my chair with a full belly.
“You just have to promise me you’ll be careful,” she pleaded.
“I will. Can I bring this chowder?” I smiled, already out of my seat and looking for a sealed bowl.
Lila laughed as I searched the cabinets for a bowl and lid that matched. I finally found one and started ladling the creamy stew into the bowl, and then sealed it tightly before placing it in a large Ziploc bag.
“You’re sure the weather is going to pass us?” she questioned.
“I’m almost positive,” I boasted.
“And this walkie-talkie, it works from where, the bottom of the mountain?” she asked.
“Yes. It should work all the way to the top of the mountain in case my cell doesn’t get service,” I stated.
“Holy shit, you’re really doing this,” she squealed, scooting from her chair and wrapping her arms around me.
I was. I was really doing this. Was it the right thing to do? Was Xander going to be happy to see me?
Lila helped me shove the chowder into my backpack, and then gave me two more hugs before I made it to my car. The clouds were really dark, and I started to second guess my radar-reading skills as I loaded the pack into the back seat of my car.
“I’m proud of you,” Lila said, pushing me to continue on with my decision. No more second guessing.
As I pulled away from my childhood home, I felt a mixture of emotions. I was excited to be headed on my adventure, sad to leave the house, and relieved not to be inside staring at the walls, the pictures, and surrounded by silent memories that haunted my sleep.
The drive to the parking lot below the mountain had me pass through a little rain, but nothing too hard. I had a Parka, so I could handle a little bit of wetness, and I had plenty of warm clothes to keep me comfortable on my climb.
I pulled in, noticing that Liam’s truck wasn’t there. A shiny red one was in the same spot from before, and I assumed that was Xander’s, although I’d never seen him make the trek down the mountain to drive it.
I pulled in beside the truck, grabbed my bag from the back, strapped it over my shoulders, and locked my car.
I hoped I knew the way to the cabin, but I wasn’t certain. It was at the very top, I knew that, so I would just go up and worry about the direction from there.
I followed the same path I’d started on that fateful day when I was injured, through the slick mud, the sharp rocks, and the heavy brush to the clearing just about a fourth of a mile up.
The clouds threatened me with darkness, and thunder was roaring in the distance. Without the sun, it was already getting dark, and the air was crisp. A mile up, and I stopped, searching my pack for a granola bar and some water, and checked for a signal on my phone. Nothing. I would be lucky to have a signal at the top, where the towers could actually reach me. Hell, I’d climb up on Xander’s roof if I had to in order to call Lila to let her know I’d made it.
My thoughts drifted to Liam. His missing truck concerned me. Maybe Xander was doing better, moving on, and me showing up would only hinder his success.
I shook it off, continuing up the mountain as the rain started to fall. I stopped again, pulling out my Parka and throwing it on over my clothes. It was cold, even with the warm clothes I wore, and I knew it was going to be dark, and much colder by the time I made it to the top.
The spot where I fell was gravely familiar. I stopped there, looking up the mountain. I knew it wasn’t far, maybe a quarter mile more, but I wasn’t sure which direction.
I couldn’t see Xander’s cabin being straight up the trail. That would be too easy for hikers to end up at his door.
I stared at the sky, trying to get answers from my dad who I hoped was watching down on me. I imagined he was proud, smiling, and looking forward to what I’d find at the top of the mountain. Love, that was his dream for me, and the more I thought about it, it was becoming my dream as well.
The right of the path looked like it was covered in thorn bushes, and I didn’t remember being scraped up when I made it to Xander’s cabin. To the left, it was thick brush, but as far as I could tell, no thorns. I took a closer look, and noticed broken branches from where someone had used that path, so I took it, hoping for the best.
Snow started to fall, and the mountainside became extremely thick. I couldn’t believe that Xander had carried me up this without a path and suddenly had a new-found respect for the man in addition to the respect that already flooded my heart.
I had to make it, no matter how bad I hurt, no matter how cold or scared I was. If I done anything in my life, anything that mattered at all, it would be making it up this mountainside to Xander’s strong arms.