Charlie
“OH MY GOD, CHARLIE,” NICOLE shouts across the empty waiting room. She launches out of her seat and runs to me, but stops abruptly before she reaches me. “Will it hurt if I hug you?”
“Hug me,” I say, smiling.
Even though the hug did hurt, the pain was worth it. I thought I would never see Rain or Nicole ever again. They were more of a family to me than I have been a part of for years.
“You look like you need to sit.”
Nicole carefully leads me to the chairs, then sits on the chair next to me.
“You must have been so scared. Do you want to talk about it?”
“I’m gonna head out,” Devino says. “I’m glad you’re safe again, Charlie.” Then he turns to Nicole, and a weird exchange happens between them. My eyes dart back and forth from each of their faces. “Nicole.” He nods his head, then turns and walks away.
“What was that about?” I ask.
“Nothing.” Nicole shakes her head rapidly. Her facial expression changes as she comes back to me. “You must have been scared out of your mind.”
“The only time I felt really scared was watching them take Rain. He was screaming my name. He told me he loved me as Austen took me upstairs and they took him into the room.”
I wasn’t going to tell Nicole about the gunshot I heard or the fact that I thought Rain was dead. Her face had lost color before I even got to the last sentence.
“Holy shit. My brother actually told someone other than me that he loved them. He didn’t have to say it though. I knew it the minute he was standing with your journal in the kitchen.”
Nicole stops talking as soon as she sees my face. That journal holds all my private thoughts and dreams and hopes and goals. It isn’t for other people’s viewing. If I found someone’s journal who I thought was never coming back, I’d probably read it too, but that doesn’t make it okay. I’m horrified that all the gruesome details of the abuse has been read by someone else, much less Rain.
“He read my journal.” My stare aims out the windows of the hospital, but I can’t focus.
Nicole twists her face as she pinches her nose between her finger and thumb. “I know he read parts of it,” she says, eyes closed. “He definitely read that you were in love with him and thank God that he did. It’s what made him snap out of his stubborn head.”
“I’m going to burn that thing the first chance I get.”
“I’ll come over to Rain’s and burn my diary, too. We’ll have a bonfire and drink wine and burn our pasts.” She laughs.
Moving my hand towards my head is a chore from the exhaustion. But the pulsating that has begun in my head is demanding that I take out my hair tie. I moan as I try to pull the tie from my matted hair.
“Here, I’ll get it.”
Nicole walks behind my chair and, with a tender hand, removes the hair tie. She rummages through her designer bag and pulls out a wooden brush. The soft, gentle strokes ease me as she begins brushing my hair. My mom used to brush my hair all the time. I’m the happiest I’ve been in a really long time, but the emotions don’t fade as I sniffle and wipe a tear from my eye.
“Oh, honey, did I hurt you? I just felt like I needed to do something, and this is the only thing I thought I could do for you. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize, and please don’t stop. It just reminds me of my mom.”
The knowing silence is overpowering. It’s always awkward when someone tells you something like that. Not many people know what to say to someone who has lost a loved one. Sometimes, the best thing to give to people like me is knowing silence.
“I hope I’ll be a good mom.”
“You are strong and protective. You’ve got that mama bear vibe. Someday you’re going to make a great mother.”
“I hope so. Because someday is in about seven months.”
Nicole’s brush strokes stop, and my eyes widen, realizing what I just said out loud. As she appears in front of me, her face is blank and unreadable. The corner of her mouth twitches, but I can easily see she is trying hard to keep calm.
“Did you just say I’m going to be an aunt?”
I wish I could tell her yes. But there’s what I want the truth to be and what the truth actually is. My composure is lost as the sob hiccups in my throat.
“No,” I cry. “It’s not Rain’s.”
Even though Rain and I slept together, I didn’t even know him eight weeks ago. The fact that this baby is Austen’s is suffocating. Babies are supposed to bring joy and teach a person about true, everlasting, unconditional love. The desire to care for and protect this baby is strong. But the fear of resenting this tiny human for all the horrible things his or her father did is engulfing. The thought of looking at my child and seeing Austen’s face looking back at me for the rest of my life scares me to pieces. No good mother would feel this way. What mother on this planet dreads the day their child is born?
Nicole sits down in the chair next to me. She pulls me into her shoulder as I cry. Her warm touch flows back and forth across my forehead.
“You are going to be a great mother. It doesn’t take much. Some would argue that my mom wasn’t a good one. We didn’t have any money. She worked a day job, but it wasn’t even enough to cover the bills.” She reaches into her bag again and pulls out a travel pack of tissues.
“Are you going to pull out a floor lamp and a potted plant, too?” I ask, laughing.
“Are you kidding? I love this bag. It holds everything. I learned that from her, too. She always carried huge handbags. We were poor, but you wouldn’t know it just by looking. She always put herself together and bought almost everything from the secondhand shop. My dad helped us out a lot, too. We fought a lot. Mainly over my dad. But I never doubted her love for me. And that’s what I remember and miss the most about her, and that’s what made her a great mother.”
“My mom always wore the same perfume every single day of her life. When she would come close to me, I would breathe her in so deeply. I can still see her heartbroken face when I told her I didn’t want to see her anymore. It was the last thing I ever said to her.”
“Did you find them? Before you were taken, did you find them?”
“No. They weren’t there.”
“Rain will find where they are. If anyone can, he can.”
“Sorry to interrupt,” a deep voice startles us from our conversation. Jerry sits halfway into the seat across from us and puts his elbows to his knees. “That man is one stubborn asshole,” he says.
“He is, isn’t he?” Nicole chimes in with her sarcastic tone.
Jerry turns his vision to me and grins.
“Did you tell him?” I ask.
“Not my place.”
“Tell him what?” Nicole asks.
“About the baby,” I say.
“He knows?” Her finger points to Jerry, and she is talking to me as if he isn’t sitting there and part of this conversation.
I nod. “He was there when I found out just before I came down to see Rain. When I was getting checked out.”
“No wonder you’re so worried. I didn’t realize that you just found out. It’ll take some time to get used to the idea.” She looks to Jerry, then back to me. “I’m going to go get you a drink and a snack out of that vending machine. I’ll be right over there,” she says, pointing across the waiting room.
Jerry moves to the chair next to me. He clears his throat, and then begins talking in a low voice. “Rain is a tough man. But he’s going to need you to help him.”
“He needs help? With what?”
“It’s been hard for him to give love much less accept it. He found love with you. Then he watched that love being dragged away from him in a bad way. A man like Rain, won’t be able to get that out of his head.”
My shoulders slump and my head angles toward the ground. “I don’t know what to do. He didn’t ask for any of this. He certainly didn’t ask for a baby to be around, and it’s not even his child. Not to mention what a hot mess I am. I can’t ask him to change his entire life to accommodate my fucked up one.”
“His life is already changed. And stop pulling yourself through the mud. I know you’re scared, but you’re going to be just fine. You’re tougher than half the men I’ve ever known. You have to be if you’re wanting to be with that guy,” he says, gesturing down the hallway toward Rain’s room.
I smile, and a small chuckle comes out of his chest. He rises from the seat and turns to me. “You take care of yourself. And him, too.”
“I will. Thank you.”
After Nicole and I made it back into Rain’s room, he was being discharged. She drove us back to Rain’s house. He slept the entire way in the backseat holding onto my hand. At one point, I tried to adjust my position and took my hand out of his limp one, but it woke him up immediately. Every time Rain lost my hand, even in sleep, he panicked. Now I understood what Jerry was talking about.
Once Nicole dropped us off, she went and got Luther. She was back just as I came out of the bathroom from taking a shower. I watched Luther as he was jumping all over Rain outside next to Nicole’s car. Rain hugged Nicole, then she got in her car and started down the drive. I sat in the corner of the couch and covered myself with a blanket. Rain slightly opened the front door, peeking his head around it to find me.
“Guard yourself, he’s going to be excited to see you.”
I put a pillow on top of my hurt side and brace for Luther to run in and jump all over me like he did with Nicole the first time I met her. Instead, he ran in, but stopped at the first sniff of my pant leg. His nub for a tail is going so fast it is almost a blur of movement, but he is reserved. He jumps up on the couch on the opposite end that I am on and slowly crawls to me. It’s impossible for me to love this dog anymore. He gently places his head on my leg and his big brown eyes look up to mine, highlighting the whites on the bottom. My hand begins to stroke his beard that fans out over my thigh. He blows out a breath as he nuzzles his head further into my thigh and closes his eyes.
“I guess he’s comfortable,” I snicker.
“You need anything?” he asks.
“Nope.”
Rain kicks off his shoes and sits on the couch parallel to the one I’m on.
“Do you?” I ask.
The smile of pure contentment crosses his face as he slowly moves it from side to side. We haven’t had a chance to really talk since being reunited. I’m not sure how I’m going to tell him. The joy I had been feeling in his presence is fading and fast. The burdens of reality are falling back onto me like a sack of cement. I have to tell him.
“There’s something I need to tell you.”
I can feel my chin begin to quiver as I’m about to drop the bomb into this dreamy moment. Waiting just wouldn’t be right.
“What is it, Angel?”
The long ragged breath that I drag in gains Luther’s attention, and Rain’s eyes turn from relaxed to concern. He moves from across the room and takes a knee on the floor next to me.
“I’m pregnant.”
The tears fall like a broken water pipe. My head falls into my hands as the sobs come and pain shoots through my side with each one. One of Rain’s arms wraps around my shoulder while his hand cradles the back of my head. He pushes his cheek against the side of my face, and I smell his familiar scent, the one that had been tormenting me ever since I lost it.
“I know,” he says.
Pulling my head back, the tears are still falling, but my eyebrows furrow.
“How do you know?”
“Nicole had a friend who was pregnant, and I heard more details of that lady’s experience than I ever wanted to. But I recognized some of the signs not just while you were with me, but”—Rain’s head dips down—“in your journal, too.”
“Nicole already told me you read my journal.”
“Of course she did. She’s got the biggest fucking mouth,” he says.
“If I thought I had nothing before, now I really don’t. I have no home, no job, no car . . . Oh my God! Rain, your car! It’s in California!” My hand flies over my mouth, remembering that I left Rain’s prized car. My prized car.
“Stop,” he says gently. His warm hand cups my cheek, directing my vision back to him. “First of all, the car will be here tomorrow. Devino’s getting it. Now about the other shit. You have a home. It’s here with me. You won’t need a job. I’ll support you.”
“That all sounds real dreamy, except I can’t be that girl anymore. I lost my entire life because I depended on Austen’s support. I won’t be in that position again. I have a degree and I want a job. But that isn’t the biggest issue here. It’s not just me anymore, Rain. There’s a baby coming, and it’s pretty obvious that you built this house for a party of one.”
His thumb wipes away the tear that had fallen onto my cheek. Then my breath is stolen completely from my chest as he sprawls his hand over my belly.
“You see this wall here?” Rain’s other hand points to the wall behind me for a second before replacing it back onto my shoulder. “I’m picturing a hallway with two, maybe three, more bedrooms and another bathroom. I’m sure I can put a nice little office for you, too.” He stops talking as he smiles wide at my excitement. “I built this house for one, because I never thought I’d meet anyone else to share it with. I love you. This baby doesn’t change that.”
With a hitch in my breath, I’m unsure I’ll be able to get out the truth that is haunting me.
“Even though . . .” I hiccup. “Even though this baby is from Austen?”
His hand begins to slightly circle on my still flat stomach. “No. Because this baby is from you.”