Chapter Thirty-Two
Avery
My assignment for English was due that Friday, and I hadn’t started it yet. There were still a few days to go, but I’d put it off long enough. The procrastination hadn’t been out of laziness, but more so out of fear.
I didn’t want to face my demons. Telling Declan and Mav about them had been hard enough.
How was I supposed to write them down for some teacher to read?
“You could always lie,” Maverick said, leaning down and resting his chin on the top of my head. I was staying the night with him, because he had a laptop and I needed to write my paper. Of course, homework wasn’t the only thing we’d be doing, but still. “Like write about your ailing grandmother and how it’s affecting you.”
“I don’t know my grandma,” I said. “If I’m going to lie, it needs to be better than that. I don’t want to lie, though.”
“Okay.” Mav plopped on his bed and looked up at the ceiling. His thinking face was on. I suppressed a smile. “Write about your fear of the ocean. It’s not a lie, but it’s not exactly the real truth.”
Sitting in the computer chair, I stared at the blank word document. “Maybe. I mean, it’s not a completely awful idea.”
Maverick scoffed and tossed a pillow at me. “My ideas are awesome.”
I grabbed the pillow and put it behind my back, cuddling more into the chair. It was one of those huge extravagant chairs that I could curl my legs up into and still have room.
“You want some pizza rolls?” Mav asked a few minutes later. He flipped on his stomach and hugged a pillow beneath his head, looking at me with big sapphire eyes.
He looked like a puppy.
“It’s like nine-thirty,” I pointed out. His gaze lingered on mine, and he started moving his legs in the way a bored kid might. “Fine. Go make some pizza rolls.”
With a grin, he hopped off the bed and left the room. I rolled my eyes, but felt my heart warm.
I loved him. I hadn’t told him yet that I did, but I’d realized it when we were cuddled on his couch watching a show called Planet Earth.
Mav loved all things science, and he was really fascinated with biology and earth science. The episode we’d watched was about caves. Honestly, I’d been a little bored, but then Mav started talking about how caves were mostly formed in limestone, caused by water eating away at the rock over time.
Something about the way his face lit up as he talked tugged at my heart. And as he told me about a cave that was full of crystals, I’d looked into his eyes and just knew.
I’d known in that moment that I never wanted to know a life without him—that past his jock exterior there was a science nerd with a heart of gold and I loved him with everything in me: mind, body, and soul.
I was zoning when he came back into the room, and I jumped when he sat a plate in front of me.
“So the Prince of Darkness can be startled,” Mav said, giving me a smug grin. “Interesting. And here I thought you were fearless.”
“Shut up.” I fought a smile as I reached for a pizza roll. When I bit down into it, the sauce squirted out like lava, and I winced before dropping it back on the plate. “Holy crap those are the devil. I can’t feel my tongue.”
“Do you need resuscitation?” he asked. “I could suck it back to life. Hey, don’t give me that look. You know your eyes will get stuck like that one day, and you’ll have to walk around for the rest of your life looking like the Exorcist girl.”
“Will you shh so I can work?” My words didn’t come out as serious as I intended because I couldn’t hold back my laugh.
Mav was crazy. But he was my crazy.
“Okay. I’m shutting up.” He zipped his lips before reclining on the bed, holding his plate of pizza rolls on his lap.
He was scrolling on his phone, so he should be engaged for a while in the world of social media.
Taking a deep breath, I focused back on the screen. I typed out an opening sentence and immediately deleted it. I tried again and did the same thing. All I could think about was the teacher reading it and what he’d think—the things he’d critique, things he’d hate or would think was dumb.
How could I open myself up and spill all my inner thoughts and demons on the page when the only thought in my head was how I’d be judged for doing so?
“Babe?” Mav asked. “Sorry to interrupt, but you look like you’re in pain over there. What’s up?”
So, I told him what was on my mind.
“Know what I think?” His expression turned thoughtful, and all signs of the goofy Mav were gone. “You’re worrying so much about how the truth will be received that you’re giving yourself writer’s block. Stop thinking about anyone reading it and just write. The fear of being judged can hold people back. Throw all the writing dos and don’ts out the window and write how you feel.”
“Thanks,” I said, getting out of the chair and going over to him. He tilted his head, exposing his sexy Adam’s apple, and I kissed him. “You’re always surprising me.”
“Got to keep you on your toes,” he said, looking up at me with a lopsided grin. Only he could look so freaking handsome and adorable at the same time.
Returning to the chair, I looked at the screen.
I needed to block everything out and just write my truth. I started a sentence before deleting it again. Then, something changed. Words began floating into my head, but they were more than mere words. They were my feelings—thoughts I’d never told anyone. Things I hated about myself and fears I’d never said aloud.
This is my circus. These are my demons.
By Avery Kinkead
Do you fear death? I don’t. I fear life.
You see… death is easy. You get to slip into darkness, and maybe there’s something waiting for you on the other side, and maybe there’s just nothingness. If the former is true, awesome. If not, well, it’s not like you’d notice anyway.
But life? That crap is hard.
Going out into the world and facing judging eyes and judging hearts makes me want to just barricade myself in my house sometimes. It’s hard to escape the pain—not just a physical one, but the kind that follows me everywhere I go.
The demons in my head. I’m their prisoner.
And the only way to release them is by surrendering to the mercy of the blade I keep hidden under the sink in the bathroom.
Crazy, right? Blocking out pain by causing more. That’s where it gets complicated, I guess. I don’t cut to feel pain.
I cut to know I’m still alive.
How I deal with my pain is by dissociating myself from the world—becoming numb to everything. When I can’t handle the pain anymore, it’s like I leave my body and become a shell of myself. Like I’m floating outside my body.
The only way to bring me back is by cutting.
A friend once told me he feels like his life is a carnival ride; that there are twists at every turn and how he becomes lost in the chaos sometimes.
I’m the opposite. My life is more like a white room: white walls, ceiling, and floor. I can walk for miles in the room and still not get anywhere. Surrounded by nothing. Because I am nothing.
Or… I was.
I’m not saying love is a magic fix, because it’s not. But finding my own Beatrice has shown me things about myself I never saw before.
He came into my life, and the empty white room now has an open doorway, leading to a wondrous world beyond—one full of color, light, and warmth.
He is the light to my dark, the yin to my yang, and the one person who saw me when no one else did.
There are moments when the white room still tries to trap me inside, but then he appears in the doorway, smiling and holding out his hand.
And I take it, knowing that wherever he leads me is the place I want to be.
The words blurred as tears pooled in my eyes. One look at Maverick, and he was off the bed and pulling me against his chest. With each kiss he placed on my forehead, cheeks, mouth, the sadness in my gut uncoiled and my heart soared.
“I love you,” I said against his lips, staring into his eyes. “You’re everything right in my life. I’m sorry it’s taken me this long to say it, but I love you, Mav, and—”
I was cut off with a kiss, one so full of passion that my toes curled.
The laptop was forgotten as I guided him toward the bed and gently pushed him on the mattress. I crawled on top of him, straddled his hips, and leaned down to capture his mouth again. We didn’t rush the kiss. Instead we took our time.
When we finally came together, his strong arms held me as I crumbled apart above him.
“I love you,” he whispered before kissing my forehead and moving his body into mine.
And then he fell off the edge with me.
***
Christmas was beautiful. I never really liked it before, just treating it like any other day. However, things were different now.
Mom had been at her new job for about two weeks, and she was the happiest I’d ever seen her. It’d taken her a few days to get used to working in the day instead of at night, but she’d quickly adjusted. She came home with a smile on her face. The spirited woman I loved was resurfacing, finding life after escaping the place that’d tried to snuff out her light.
I had gotten a job too.
During one of my routine trips around Port Haven to see which places were hiring, I had seen a help wanted sign in a window to an art supply shop on the same strip Maverick worked. Even though I’d doubted I’d get it, I had gone inside anyway just to check it out.
When I’d walked into the store, I’d seen an older woman struggling with a box of supplies, and without hesitation, I’d run over and helped her.
“Well aren’t you just the perfect little gentlemen,” she’d said in such a sweet voice. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome, Ma’am,” I had said, still holding the box. “Where did you want this?”
I walked with her to the paint aisle and unloaded the brushes and tubes of acrylic. She asked me about my interests, and I told her about wanting to be an architect. Talking came easy with her. Turned out, she was the manager, and once we were done unloading the box, she offered me the job on the spot.
Maverick kissing my neck pulled me from my thoughts.
I blinked before focusing on him. He was wearing a navy blue sweater that matched the color of his eyes, and his muscles were still noticeable beneath the material. I just wanted to grab onto his biceps, pull him down on top of me and—
“And I lost you again,” he said, arching a brow.
“You’ll never lose me.” I ran my hand down his chest.
“Now who’s being the mushy one?”
My soft caress turned into a playful slap. “Shut up.”
Mom and Declan were in the dining room with Mav’s parents, and we were in the living room, sitting on the couch in front of the massive Christmas tree. Like, the thing was huge. Probably at least ten feet tall. Gold and red ornaments shone and reflected the white lights dancing along the branches. The ceilings were so high, that even though the tree was a giant, it still didn’t even come close to reaching the top.
We’d already eaten Christmas dinner, and his family had brought out a game called Pictionary that they wanted all of us to play. But Maverick had asked for a moment alone, so I’d gone with him.
Laughing sounded from the other room right before an ooh followed by a victorious yip. They must’ve started the game without us, which was fine. It just gave us more time alone to do whatever it was he’d asked me in there for.
“I know you said you’d kill me if I bought you a present,” Maverick said with a guilty tone of voice. “I believe your exact words were ‘I’ll cut you into tiny pieces and throw you over the train tracks,’ but it’s our first Christmas together, and I wanted to make it special.”
“Just having you makes it special, big guy,” I said, poking his cheek.
He grabbed my hand before I could pull it away and kissed the tips of my fingers. Then, he sucked my index finger into his mouth. I shivered and it shot straight down south. I wiggled on the cushion a little before withdrawing my hand and placing it in my lap.
By the smirk on his face, I knew he was aware of the effect he had on me.
Jerk.
“So you won’t murder me if I give you a gift?” he asked.
“I swear if you bought me a phone, I will—”
“It’s not a phone,” he interjected with a chuckle. “Even though I think you should have one.”
“When I start getting my paychecks, I’ll set money aside to get one of those cheap flip phones, okay? And you can text me at all hours of the day.”
“I’ll hold you to that.” He gave a satisfied smirk before reaching down and bringing up a small, black box. It even had a black bow.
I couldn’t help but smile. “It’s like you know me or something.”
“What?” he asked, feigning shock. “Black is my favorite color. This is mine.” But then he grew serious and placed the box in my upturned hand. “I hope you like it. It’s nothing big, but I saw it and knew you needed it.”
The box wasn’t wrapped. It was one I just had to pop the lid off. After looking at Mav, I exhaled and opened it. My jaw almost hit the floor.
Inside was a bracelet. The band was a thick, black string and there was a silver pentagram in the center, surrounded by silver beads on each side. A small silver charm hung from one side that had an image of a cross inside a heart.
“It’s the Love Conquers All bracelet from a site called Never Take It Off,” Maverick explained. “It’s part of the Andy Biersack line. Each one comes with a set of vows, and before you put it on, you’re supposed to pick which vow you like or create your own and then make a wish.” His cheeks reddened and he dropped his gaze. “It’s silly.”
“No.” I grabbed his hand. “I love it. Mav, it’s perfect. Will you help me tie it on?”
Relief washed across his face before he took the bracelet out of the box. “What’s your vow?”
I scanned over the little card it came with that listed some of the vows. Vows for never giving up, creativity, and staying positive. None of them clicked with me, so I thought of my own.
“I vow to love myself,” I said, hearing my voice shake. It wasn’t just words, but something greater. A promise, and I was making it to Mav. “To never let the demons win.”
Maverick pressed a soft kiss to my lips before wrapping the band around my wrist. “Now make a wish.”
I didn’t need to make a wish.
I already had everything I wanted right in front of me.