Chapter Twenty-Six
Avery
Maverick loved me. He hadn’t come out and said those exact words, but it’d been pretty clear. The concept of love was weird. I loved my brother and mom, but I’d never loved anyone outside of them.
And no one outside of them had ever loved me.
Logic said it was too soon for Maverick to feel that way about me. Could someone really fall in love in two months? Less than that, if you took into account the time he was with another guy. It wasn’t exactly instant-love, but it was still too fast.
As for me? I felt guilty because I didn’t know if I felt the same about him.
It was hard to love someone when you didn’t even love yourself. Perhaps that’s also what bothered me; I didn’t see how he could love someone like me. Someone who was broken. You also didn’t keep secrets from those you loved, and there was still so much I hadn’t told Maverick.
All of those thoughts triggered one of the worst cutting sessions I’d had in a long time; even worse than the night weeks before when I’d cut myself and fallen asleep in the tub.
I didn’t remember putting myself to bed that night—or cleaning up the blood—but I must’ve because I’d somehow ended up in the bedroom. And maybe it’d been the loss of blood or just overall exhaustion, but I’d slept late and had made Declan and me miss the bus the next morning.
Declan and I were still at odds too. We didn’t talk as much anymore, not since he’d told me to back off. I missed our talks, but there wasn’t much I could do about it except give him some space and hope he changed his mind.
The next day at school, things were a bit tense between me and Mav at first, but as the morning went on, we fell back into our usual behavior. By lunch time, it was hard to believe that I’d almost broken up with him. Especially when he smiled at something I said.
I’d been so close to losing that smile forever.
“Are you feeling okay today?” he asked after eating a fry.
“Yeah. Just didn’t sleep well,” I lied. Well, I guess it was kind of true since I hadn’t slept well, but it was more the fact that my legs hurt so bad that put me in an off mood. Completely my fault too.
By the way his brow scrunched, I suspected he didn’t believe me, but he didn’t press me on the matter. After the way I behaved the last time he asked me something personal, I couldn’t blame him.
Sarah then diverted his attention by talking about her Halloween costume for the party Saturday. She was going as Sailor Mercury, one of the main characters from the Sailor Moon manga series. Yeah, that didn’t mean much to me because I didn’t know anything about the series, but apparently her character involved a blue wig or something.
“Do you wanna come over and play Dead Smash later?” Ben asked me.
“Sure.” It’d been a while since I’d gone over to his house, and I missed hanging out with him. “I can just ride home with you, if you want.”
He smiled, causing the freckles around his nose to crinkle. “Cool.”
After lunch, I walked with Maverick to drama class. Normally, he would’ve grabbed my hand without a thought, but he didn’t that time. We walked side by side, but not hand in hand like usual.
I looked between us and saw his hand at his side, and I took it.
Shock showed in his eyes.
“What?” I said. “Don’t look so stunned, big guy. I’m allowed to make the first move sometimes too, ya know.”
Maybe it was the way he smiled or maybe even the way he gently squeezed my hand after that, but I knew we’d be okay. At least for the moment.
“I’m going over to Ben’s later,” I said before we reached the performing arts building. “I hope that’s okay.”
“You don’t need my permission, Avery,” he replied, shaking his head. “Sarah wants me to come over to her place so I can help her with her costume. And probably to gossip about Travis.”
“Have either of them made a move yet?” I asked, clinging more onto his hand.
He was wearing a hoodie, and I had the urge to just cuddle the heck out of him. There was something about him when he wore one that triggered the feeling. My gaze moved from his eyes, down his face, and to his throat. I wanted to bury my face in the crease of his neck; feel his warm skin on mine and hear his laugh.
They were things I didn’t really think much about until that moment—things I’d miss.
“Sorta,” Mav answered, opening the door for me. “They’ve been talking online some, but Trav told me he’s going to make his move Saturday.”
We entered the auditorium and had to go our separate ways, but not before he kissed my knuckles and said some cheesy, medieval line about us parting. As usual, I rolled my eyes, even though my heart skipped a beat at the action.
I almost broke up with him last night.
It didn’t make sense that I’d almost thrown away the one good thing in my life… but then it kind of did. When you were used to people disappointing you, it was difficult to get attached to anything because it could be gone tomorrow.
However, he wasn’t just a random person. He was Mav.
My Mav.
And eventually, I’d tell him what he wanted to know. But for now? I just wanted to pretend that I wasn’t screwed up.
***
Mom brushed my hair as I sat down in front of her. She’d worked late last night, and even though she slept until noon, she still looked exhausted. Ever since she got her promotion at work, she seemed to lack her once exuberant personality. As if the life was slowly being drained from her with each night she worked that job.
“Are you okay?” I asked, noticing the bags under her blue eyes. She was in front of me, parting my hair, as we sat at the kitchen table. The ideal place would’ve been the bathroom, but it was too small for two people at once.
For my Loki costume, I didn’t need a wig since my hair was the length and shade of his anyway, but the horned headpiece sat on my head weird, so she was trying to fix my hair to where it wouldn’t move.
“Yeah, bug, I’m fine,” she answered, cupping my cheek. “Why? Do I not look okay?”
“You look beautiful, Mom,” I said as she self-consciously messed with her hair. “I’m just worried about you. I don’t think that promotion is worth it.”
Her face fell. “I just want you and D to have the world, and I can barely give you clothes on your backs. The promotion has helped us.”
“At what cost to you?” I asked, hating the way her eyes clouded when she talked about it. I had a damn good idea of what she was having to do for the extra money, and I’d rather us be struggling than for her to do that another night. “I’m still trying to get a job. Places are just full right now. But I promise that I will get one soon. Somehow. I’ll figure something out.”
“You know what I want you to do, bug?” she asked, gently pinching my cheek. “Go out with your boyfriend and have an amazing night tonight. Don’t worry about me or my job. Don’t worry about money. You’re young and you need to enjoy it. Live a little. You’ve had to grow up too fast and be the responsible one, and you don’t know how much it kills me to see you missing out on so much, knowing it’s my fault.”
Her eyes watered, and she looked away, causing a tear to roll down her face. “For one night, I want you to be a kid. Let loose and be a little wild. Maybe make some mistakes. Just don’t worry about anything other than yourself for once.” I went to argue—to tell her I didn’t blame her for anything—but she put her finger to my lips. “Promise me, bug.”
I nodded, unable to get words past the lump in my throat.
When I had officially come out to her and said Maverick was my boyfriend, she’d reacted in the most amazing way, saying she was thrilled I’d found happiness. The fact it was with a boy didn’t matter to her.
“I’m going to get some hairspray,” Mom said before going down the hall to the bathroom.
Declan came into the kitchen, shooting me a weird look. “What the crap are you supposed to be?”
“Loki,” I answered, quickly glancing down at my outfit and fixing the sleeve. “Maverick is going as Thor.”
“You know they’re brothers, right?” he asked, still looking at me like I had two heads. “Kinda makes it gross, ya know? Since he’s your boyfriend and all.”
“Why are you being such an ass?” I snapped, glaring at him. His returning scowl reminded me so much of Dad that my stomach churned a little. Not only in appearance, but attitude as well. “What did I do to make you hate me so much?”
“Don’t be so dramatic,” he said with a scoff. “I don’t hate you. A better question is why the hell do you hate yourself so much?”
Huh?
Declan squared his jaw and his eyes were menacing. “I know about—”
“Okay, bug, let’s see if this works.” Mom came into the kitchen, holding a can of her hairspray and a pick comb.
I exchanged a look with Declan before he stormed off into the other room. Whatever he was going to say, it’d have to wait until later.
Mom fixed my hair to where it was lying flat down and wouldn’t puff up at the top where the headpiece was going to go. It was slicked back to where it’d still look okay if I chose to remove the horns too.
Maverick showed up around seven to pick me up, and when he came into the house, I was dazed for a moment.
He’d spiked his hair a bit and had two red streaks of paint going down the left side of his face. And his costume… yeah, it wasn’t the best idea for my pants to be so stretchy. His chest piece hugged him just right and the cut off shirt showed off his amazing, muscular arms.
“I wish I had a camera,” Mom said, looking between the two of us.
“You can take a pic with my phone,” Maverick suggested, pulling his phone from his back pocket. “And I can have it printed off and give it to you.”
After he showed her how to work it, he pulled me against his side and we posed for a few pics. In the first one, I smiled but I knew how forced and awkward it was. That changed when Mav made a snorting sound in my ear and tickled my sides, getting me to laugh. He always managed to do that to me. And even crazier was that he’d known what I needed in order to let my guard down a little.
He knew me—the real me. Maybe love wasn’t too farfetched of a notion.
Mom smiled as she took a few more, and then she lowered the phone before handing it back to Maverick. “Okay, you two. Don’t let me hold you up any longer.”
Once Mav and I were outside, he grinned. “You look freaking sexy. I’ve always had a thing for Loki. Well, more so Tom Hiddleston as Loki.”
“Should I be jealous?” I asked as he opened my door for me.
“Eh… no.” He shrugged. “I mean, unless we’re allowed to have one celebrity pass.” He shut my door, and I watched him walk around to his side of the car. Once he was inside and had the engine started, he quirked a brow. “I bet yours would be Andy, huh?”
I smiled and looked away. “Shut up.”
He laughed, and the deep rumbling sound went straight to my heart.
The drive was long, but nice. The party location was out in the middle of nowhere, just like Noah had said, and we passed by a lot of wooded areas, fields, and the occasional opening of trees that revealed the Oregon coast.
Maverick had his phone plugged into the radio, playing one of his Spotify playlists. It was a good mix of rock bands like I Prevail, Our Last Night, Silverstein, and Chevelle. Our music tastes were similar, but not exact. However, I found myself liking his bands too.
When he tried to do one of the screamo parts in an I Prevail song, I busted a gut.
“I’d like to see you do better,” he said with a challenge in his voice.
So, I did.
“Whatever,” was all he said before focusing ahead on the narrow, two lane road. But the corner of his mouth lifted.
When we arrived at the party and I saw all the cars already there, nerves ran rampant inside me. People I recognized walked in groups toward the building, all dressed in wacky outfits. There were also quite a few people I didn’t recognize, which meant they were probably college kids.
Great.
When Noah had said his brother found an old barn to have the party in, I had pictured one of those from the horror movies that were wooden with chipped, red paint and one of those openings at the top for the hay loft or whatever. Maybe one that had a huge, rickety door and looked like it was close to falling apart.
In reality, it looked like a rich person’s idea of a barn. No chipped paint, no rotted wood. It was fancy to the extreme. For one, it was stone and not wood, and the stonework was incredible. A high arch was in the center of it, and the building extended out a ways on each side. There was a large door, but it looked to be made of mahogany wood instead of the deteriorating one I’d imagined.
And that was just the outside.
“You ready?” Maverick asked me once he parked and shut off the car.
“I think so,” I answered, staring at all the people walking through the arched entrance. “Were you picturing something out of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre too?”
He laughed and got out. After grabbing my headpiece from the backseat, I opened the door and met him around the front of the car.
“Allow me,” he said, grabbing the horned crown and placing it on my head. He tucked a piece of hair behind my ears before trailing his fingers down my cheek and along my jaw.
My skin tingled at his touch, and I leaned into his hand, peering up into his blue eyes.
He kissed me then—just a soft press of his lips to mine, but it was enough to help wash away the anxiety bubbling inside my chest.
As if knowing I needed the support, Mav held my hand as we approached the entrance.
Some people stood outside, drinking out of red plastic cups and talking. I saw a few Draculas, one Harley Quinn, someone in a blowup chicken costume, a Mad Hatter, and a few pirates. The doors to the inside were open, so people could just come and go as they pleased. The weather was amazing that night, only like sixty degrees, so I thought it was a great idea to open the place up.
Music boomed the closer we got, and I squeezed Maverick’s hand.
Once inside, I realized it was even more luxurious than I’d thought. By all of the stalls lining one side, I figured out it was a horse barn, but there weren’t any horses at the moment. Skylights were centered at the top, revealing the night sky. Other lights hung around the area, some in the stalls and others placed sporadically on the walls. A massive deer horn chandelier hung from the center of the room, and there was an upper loft area that had a winding staircase leading up to it.
As for the space? There was a crap load of it.
All of the stall doors were open—apart from a few, and I could only imagine what was happening inside them—and people stood everywhere, some dancing, others just hanging out. And some were eating each other’s faces.
Maverick led me through the crowd, and he was searching for someone by the way his gaze moved around the room.
“Who are you looking for?” I asked, having to talk loud in order for him to hear me.
“Noah,” he answered, tossing me a smile over his shoulder.
It wasn’t too difficult to find him. The blue hair was a dead giveaway. Noah had spiked it up, greatly resembling one of the guys from the Dragon Ball Z cartoon. He was dressed as some assassin by the looks of it. A pair of swords was in a holster on his back, and he had a belt with ninja throwing stars clipped on it.
“Hey!” Noah exclaimed once seeing us. “Glad you guys could make it.” His gaze moved between me and Mav before he broke out into a huge grin. “Seriously… Thor and Loki? Could you guys get any cuter?”
“What are you supposed to be?” I asked, cocking my head.
“My character from Dead Smash,” he answered before flashing a bright, white smile. “And Bas is my pet zombie. He’s around here somewhere.”
A guy ran up to Noah, shoving a red cup into his hand. “Drink up, bro.”
“Jace…” Noah shook his head.
“Stop the bitchin’ and drink,” Jace demanded. He was dressed as a cop, but like, a super sexy version of one. His shirt was unbuttoned, revealing his sculpted, smooth chest, and the sleeves were cut off. “You’re gonna have fun, dammit, even if I have to get a funnel and force it down your throat.”
“Fine!” Noah took a big gulp before making a disgusted face. He hadn’t swallowed it yet, and by the expression on his face, I knew he’d rather spit it out.
Jace covered Noah’s mouth. “Swallow.”
“That’s what he said,” Maverick said.
That did it.
Noah spewed the beer all over Jace. It was a blend of laughing and choking.
I think anyone within a five foot radius started laughing, especially when Jace turned around with such a pissed look on his face. He took off his hat and flicked it back and forth, causing the beer to sling off.
People around him moved out of the way as some of it hit them.
“You know what?” Jace said, looking down at his soaked clothes. “I can work with this.”
Then, he took off his shirt, which made all the girls catcall him. He didn’t seem to care about them, though, which surprised me. He gave off the man-whore vibe, but didn’t even look at the all the girls dressed in practically nothing. Why?
I got my answer when a pretty brunette girl walked up and kissed him on the cheek. She was in a female version of his outfit, showing off her long legs, and average sized waist.
“Happy early birthday, Noah,” she said in a sweet voice.
“Thanks, Elizabeth,” Noah replied, still grinning. “You’re lookin’ hot tonight.”
She blushed. “Thank you. It’s not usually my style, but your brother wanted to coordinate our costumes. It’s not too slutty?”
“Not at all.”
I forgot all about them when Maverick leaned in and whispered in my ear, “Wanna dance?”
His hot breath at my neck sent chills throughout my body. Even though I couldn’t dance to save my life, I nodded.
It couldn’t be too bad, right?
Maverick led me to a more open area of the room, pulling me to his chest and resting his hands at my lower back. Tilting my head, I looked into his eyes and smiled. His mouth seized mine, and as we began to sway back and forth, we remained in a lip lock. My headpiece bumped his forehead once as it slipped down, which made us briefly stop kissing so I could adjust it, but then we found each other again.
The song wasn’t even slow, but we danced like it was, lost in our own world. I didn’t think about anyone around us. Just him.
***
Sarah attacked us after a while. She was in a super short aqua skirt with matching high socks, a white skintight blouse that had a big blue bow in the center, a blue wig, and a choker necklace.
“Have you guys seen Travis?” she asked, tugging on her skirt a little to pull it down.
“Yeah,” Maverick answered, wrapping his strong arms more around me. “He and Ricky were over by the drink table a few minutes ago.”
“Thanks!” She disappeared into the crowd of moving bodies.
Shortly afterward, the two princes emerged. Ricky had the cockiest smirk on his face, while Travis went more for a sexy smolder. Battle of the Princes was on full-force.
Maverick and I continued to dance, but we moved to the side so we could see our friends.
Our friends.
They were mine too. Maybe it hadn’t started off that way, but it was true now.
Ricky got the first dance, and he threw an arrogant grin to Travis. But then Sarah grabbed Travis’ hand and dragged him onto the dance floor. It only became more competitive from there. Both guys probably danced with every girl at the party, and there was one point when they even started pulling other guys to dance.
Me included.
Ricky ran over and held out his hand. “Please, Avery. I ain’t losing this battle.”
With a reluctant look to Mav—who nodded and ushered me in that direction—I grabbed Ricky’s hand and let him lead me out there in the center of the room. Some pop song was on, and my dancing skills were nonexistent, but honestly, Ricky’s weren’t either, so we both made fools of ourselves.
And I laughed. Way more than I had in a long time, if ever.
Ben finally showed up, and he’d dressed up as a hobbit. He and I talked a lot as Maverick and Sarah went back out to dance. Once Travis stole Sarah, Mav then grabbed a quiet girl whose name I didn’t know. She’d been huddled in a corner basically all night by herself, and it warmed my heart that Mav had been his observant self as always and clearly wanted her to have a good time. To not feel left out.
As the night went on, I took what my mom said to heart, and I did my best to let loose. Alcohol was everywhere—in kegs, in the special punch one of Jace’s friends brought, and there were even several hard liquor bottles on a table beside a large bowl of ice and bottles of soda.
But I didn’t drink. I thought about it, but I didn’t need it.
Maverick was my safe place. As long as he had hold of me, nothing could touch me.
We danced, we laughed, we kissed, and then we did it all again.
Travis, having feeling left out, asked me to dance with him too, so I did. I even danced with Sarah before Maverick stole me away.
Instead of pulling me into another dance, Mav took me toward one of the empty stalls.
My heart raced as I realized where we were headed. I couldn’t tell if I was more anxious or excited. Probably an equal share of both.
“Is this okay?” Maverick asked after closing the stall door and snaking his arms back around me.
“Yeah,” I said, thankful my voice didn’t shake.
He removed my headpiece and placed it on the floor. And then his lips were on mine. Hot and heavy. His hands held my face as we kissed, and we were going at each other so hard that I banged into the wall. But we didn’t stop.
Soft pants left him in between kisses, and it was the sexiest sound I’d ever heard.
So many things attacked my senses that it was almost too much. Almost. The warmth of his body on mine, the taste of something sweet on his lips, and the sounds filling the air were all intoxicating.
It was senses overload, and yet, I still wanted more.
When he started grinding his body against me, I gasped, breaking our kiss. Mav took that opening to start kissing my jaw and down my neck. I gripped his strong shoulders—dug my nails into him a little—and tilted my head back against the wall.
Maverick sucked at the base of my throat as he rolled his hips into me and held my sides. I was so close to losing it.
I’d never experienced something so… magnetic. All-consuming. I was both nervous and enthralled.
With each push of his hips into mine, I whimpered. I felt like I was intoxicated, even though I didn’t drink at all. My head was spinning, and I clawed his strong back.
However, the moment was wrecked when he moved his hand across my upper thigh.
I pushed him away with such force that he stumbled back and almost fell.
“I’m sorry!” I said before covering my mouth with my hands.
I was always apologizing to him.
“It’s okay,” he said, out of breath. He focused on me, but he didn’t come closer. “What did I do wrong? I thought you liked it.”
“I did.” I balled my fists at my sides as an urge trickled through me. The hurt in his expression was a look I hated seeing—and one I caused a lot. “I want to tell you.”
Slowly, he approached and took my hand. “Then tell me.”
Staring at him in that moment, fear once again won. If I pulled down my pants right there and showed him my legs, he would never look at me the same way again. He would only see the scars. The broken boy marked by them.
He wouldn’t see me anymore.
“I promise I will tell you,” I said, moving forward and wrapping my arms around his waist. I laid my head over his heart. “But not tonight. I want to enjoy this as long as I can.”
Hesitantly, his arms came around me too. He pressed a kiss into my hair, and it triggered that fluttering in my stomach.
“You know I never want you to do something you’re not okay with, right?” he asked as his arms tightened around me. “I’m sorry if I scared you earlier. I just… and it’s no excuse and I don’t mean it as one… but I really want you, Avery. Sometimes I get carried away and I—”
“Hey, big guy,” I interjected, looking up and placing my fingertip to his lips. His mouth stretched with a smile. “Believe me when I say it’s nothing you did. I want you too. Yeah, I’ve never done it before, but I want you to be my first, Mav.” My body came alive at the thought, and I took a deep breath to calm down. It didn’t help that my heart was still in overdrive from all the grinding and making out. “It’s just—”
“Complicated?” he guessed. He hadn’t said it in a condescending way, though. “Good thing I don’t like things too easy. And you, Avery Kinkead, are the biggest challenge I’ve ever faced.”
“And that’s good?” I asked, grasping right then that I’d be pretty freaking devastated if he said no.
His answering smile told me all I needed to know. The red paint going down the left side of his face was smeared a little, and I suspected it was from our kissing. And that probably meant it was on me somewhere now too.
We left the stall and went back out to the party.
Noah and Bastian were slow dancing, resting their heads together as they moved lazily side to side. By Noah’s goofy grin, I was ninety-nine percent sure Jace had succeeded in getting him drunk. Bas smiled too, but it was sweeter. When Noah laid his head on Bastian’s shoulder, Bas began brushing his fingers through Noah’s blue strands, and the action was loving and tender.
I yawned so big that my jaw popped.
“Ah, is the Prince of Darkness getting sleepy?” Maverick asked with a smartass tone, stroking my cheek with his thumb.
“Um, do you see the costume?” I motioned to myself. “I am Loki, the trickster god, right now. Get it right.”
Just like that, things were back to normal. It told me a lot about Mav’s character. He forgave easily and didn’t dwell on things. I wish I could’ve been more like him. I dwelled on things until I made myself sick most of the time.
After two more dances, and a random conversation with a group of college kids about something they did on their campus called Human v. Zombies, Maverick and I said bye to everyone and left.
In the car, I held his hand and laid my head on his shoulder. Yeah, the seatbelt cutting into my side as I leaned over to him was annoying as hell, but the bubbly feeling I got from being so close to Mav made me forget about it after a while.
When we got to my house—way past curfew—I didn’t move from the seat. Instead, I grabbed his nape before pulling him to me. We’d kissed so much that night, but it didn’t seem like enough.
Just one more kiss.
One more turned into two more. Then three.
After I finally pulled away from him and told him goodnight, I went inside and leaned against the door, watching the headlights of his car move across the wall until they disappeared altogether.
Apart from the one tense moment, it had been the best night of my life. It was what I needed to really bring home the fact that one; I’d been a freaking idiot to try to break up with Mav a few days before. And two; that I maybe, kind of, felt more for him than I thought.
If not love, then perhaps something close to it.
A maybe love.