Chapter Twenty-One
Stretching, Olivia rubbed her bare legs against the sheets and reached for Nate, but his side of the bed was cool. She blinked against the morning light filtering through the blinds as disappointment hit her.
Figuring he was out running, she smiled and recalled last night while burying her face in the pillow. He’d finally let go. The emotion pouring through him in the way he’d made love to her had been amazing. Earth-shattering. Soul-crushing. After all the horrible things he’d seen and done, that were put upon him, he seemed to be shedding the past and looking toward a future.
About time.
Another stretch, and she slipped out of bed with the sheet around her middle. She padded into the living room, only to abruptly halt.
Nate sat on the sofa, elbows on his knees and head in his hands. He was fully dressed in jeans, boots, and a tee, and the tension radiating off him stalled her heart. Muscles rippled and ink came alive as his fingers fisted.
“I need to tell you something.” Slowly, he lifted his head. Shadows darkened, creating caverns under his eyes, and leaving misery etched in the depths. Concern and guilt twisted his mouth.
Oh God. “Is Aunt Mae all right?”
He gave a tight nod. “Everyone’s okay. Come sit down.”
Nervous, she made her way over on shaky legs and perched on the edge of the cushion. Stomach somersaulting, she looked at his profile.
He flew off the couch like the hounds of hell were chasing him and stalked the room. Eventually, he landed on the other side of the coffee table and ran a hand down his face. “I’ve had all night to play this conversation out in my head and…” He dropped his arm, hand slapping his thigh.
“You’re scaring me.”
On a sigh, he pulled his phone from his pocket. “When we were overseas, Justin used to play this song over and over again if he missed home. You, in particular. When You Come Back to Me Again by Garth Brooks. Do you know it?”
She shook her head, heart pounding. Justin wasn’t much of a country music fan, so she was a little surprised. More over, what did this have to do with whatever had Nate agitated?
His thumbs flew over the keypad. “I think it was intended to be a romantic love song, but he interpreted it differently.” He set the phone on the table as a melody played. “Listen to it.”
“Okay,” she breathed and stared at the cell. She gripped the sheet tighter to her chest with trembling fingers as her pulse tripped, wondering what was going on.
A haunting voice sang a metaphor of ships lost at sea and safe harbors, about sinking without the ties of love to keep them going. She imagined Justin in camo gear, in the desert, earbuds in and listening to this song. How scared and helpless he must’ve been, how alone. How the world he’d enlisted in was very different than where he’d been raised. No safety net, no people who loved him.
By the time the second verse started, unstoppable tears trekked her cheeks and a hot ball of emotion wedged in her throat. And when it was over, her chest cracked wide open. Burying her face in her hands, she sobbed.
“I’m sorry, baby. I’m so sorry. I did this to you.”
Letting out a quivering exhale, she wiped her cheeks and looked at Nate.
Hands at his sides, expression fraught, he shook his head repeatedly. “I took him from you and I’m so goddamn sorry.”
Dread settled in her belly. “What?”
“I was the commanding officer who sent him inside that building to die.” He slapped his chest and fisted his hand over his heart. “Me.” His mouth trembled and his eyes reddened, but he sucked a breath and clenched his jaw. “I made a mistake, a stupid error in judgment.”
A block of ice formed in her stomach and spread to every organ. “What are you talking about, Nate?” From the moment she’d found out Justin had been killed, she’d been bitter, angry with the soldier responsible. And Nate was claiming he was that person? “You lied to me?”
Nostrils flared, eyes wide, he gave her a look of such helplessness that the glacier in her belly began to defrost. “I should have told you that first day. I don’t know why I didn’t. But then things with us evolved and…got out of control.”
“Out of control?” Anger ramming her temples, she stood. “Out of control is an icy patch of road like the one my parents hit. I let you into my house, my home, my life. Oh God. I let you into my bed, my…” She clutched the sheet over her heart. Because he was in there, too, embedded deep. Betrayal tore through her, ripped her apart. “I trusted you. I thought you were a good person who just had a crappy start in life…”
Her own words shot back to her and ricocheted inside her skull. She straightened, glancing away. The things he’d told her, had admitted reluctantly, trickled to the surface.
Shoving aside memories and conversations, she honed in on the major ones. Him, a scared little boy in foster care, wanting to be accepted as family. Him, a teenager, making misguided decisions for the sake of forming friendships. His initial inability to be touched or sleep through the night or even eat without remorse. And at the root of it all—blame.
The wind rushed out of her lungs like a gale force. Stock still, she blinked as the fury and deceit dissolved into curiosity and compassion. The one defining factor in Nate’s life, in the way he thought and behaved, boiled down to guilt.
And none of it had been his fault. Yes, he was a grown man now who made his own decisions, and yes, his choices weren’t always the right ones. But they were formed with good intentions. Most of all, his blame had, nine times out of ten, been displaced.
Reasoning this out, it was entirely possible he was wrong about Justin, too. In fact, odds were in that favor.
“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you, baby. I’m not that guy, not a good person. I’m no one’s hero.”
Eyes wet, she lifted her gaze to his. What stared back at her leveled her to the ground and stole the beat from her heart.
The man before her, who’d not been shown an ounce of compassion in all his thirty years, held her gaze with abject empathy in his. Distressed, frantic, and bordering on vicious, his eyes pleaded with her to absolve and condemn him in the same beat.
Because he loved her. It was as obvious as her grief.
Panting, he pressed both hands to his chest. “I promised him I’d take care of you. And I will, from a short, safe distance. I’ll leave you alone to live your life. But should you ever need anything at all, I’ll come running. Always. You have my word.”
His throat worked a swallow and he bent to retrieve his phone. Gaze down, he turned away. “I’m sorry, Olivia. If you trust nothing else, believe that.” He strode toward the door, and panic gripped her.
“Wait.”
He paused, his back to her.
“Explain.” When he didn’t move, she bit her lip. “Tell me what happened the day he died. All of it.”
He hung his head. “I did, months ago when I arrived. Everything I’ve told you from that point forward has been true, aside from my lie of omission.”
Then she was missing something. “I want the details, Nate.”
A sigh, and he faced her. He rubbed his jaw, his expression pained. “I don’t see what good it’ll do to—”
“I need to know.”
He studied her a long, tense moment, then glanced heavenward before shoving his hands in his pockets. “Like I told you, we were sent to this small abandoned village. Troops had gone through before, but our sergeant got a tip there might be refugees hidden there. Six of us went to do a sweep with me in charge. We were supposed to be in and out.”
Looking away, his gaze seemed lost in thought. “We split into three teams of two. At every structure check, the guys radioed me updates. At the last one, Justin swore he saw a kid in the doorway. The building was no larger than a gas station and half of it was in rubble. I thought he was crazy or it was shadows playing tricks on him since we’d seen not one soul up 'til then.”
Shifting balance to his other foot, he cleared his throat. “As we were about to go inside, one of the other teams reported in and had a question. I…” He frowned suddenly as if remembering something, confusion furrowing his brow.
“You what?”
His gaze flicked to hers and away. “I told Justin to wait a second and was on the mic for a minute at most.” He rubbed his chest as if it hurt. “When I turned back, Justin was gone.” He shook his head. “I forgot about that. He must not have heard me.” He blinked, skimmed a hand over his bald head. “Anyway, I ran in and rounded a corridor. Justin was halfway down the hall, rushing toward me, waving his hands.” He stopped abruptly and looked at her. “Are you sure you want to hear this, baby? It’s—”
“Yes.” She wiped tears from her cheeks and sniffed. “Tell me.”
He lifted his hand and dropped it as if to say fine. “The bomb went off and we both went down. When I got my bearings, I dragged Justin out and, with the rest of the guys, waited for the evac team.”
Except that didn’t seem like all of it. Judging by his gutted expression, what followed the explosion had been hell for him. And no wonder. He’d watched her brother die right in front of him. His friend, a fellow soldier.
“Justin was killed in the blast?”
Nate’s gaze shot to the left and he paused. “Yes,” he finally said, his voice low and rough. “It was…a suicide bomb and he was closest to it.”
Silence hung as she tried to absorb what he’d told her. The longer time passed, the more she realized how fate and destiny were a frightening thing.
“That’s the truth? All of it? Everything?” Because her heart was breaking for the umpteenth time. Not only did Nate not appear responsible, he’d had to stand by while the only person to date who’d cared about him was killed. Violently. Brutally. In front of his face.
“Yes.” Shoulders slumped, he avoided her gaze and kept his down.
“Justin went into that building against your orders. Had you been with him, you both would’ve died. Am I understanding that correctly?”
His gaze jerked to hers, fury darkening his irises. “Don’t.” He took a step forward and pulled himself short. “This is not one of those circumstances you can excuse like before. I was no good then and I'm no good now. This is an uncrossable red line. Whether Justin ignored me, figuring there was no threat, or whether he didn’t hear me, I’m still accountable.” He pointed to his chest, ramming his finger into his breastbone. “I was his superior and should’ve paid better attention. I was responsible for him. Me, Olivia. I took away something you loved more than anything.”
She choked on a sob. “You built the bomb? You set it off? You sent Justin inside knowing he’d die?” Lord, she couldn’t breathe. How many more victims did this incident need to claim? How many more hurts could be laid at Nate’s feet before he finally broke? “If the roles were reversed, would you want my brother blaming himself for your death?”
He snapped to attention, his body rigid. “Don’t you dare, baby.” His chest rapidly rose and fell. “Don’t pretend a part of you didn’t get buried with him. I would do anything to give him back to you. What happened that day is a knot in my gut that never unfurls. There’s no forgiveness here. I don’t deserve it. Any of this. Not him back then or you now.”
A sound passed his lips, part revelation and wholly disheartened. He ran a shaking hand down his face, and when he looked at her once more, there was nothing left in his gaze but a hollow, empty void.
Agonizing seconds went by, then he strode to the door and paused with his hand on the knob. He pinched his eyes closed. But it was his low, tortured admission that clawed her from the inside out.
“I wish it had been me.”
The door shut quietly behind him.
Time collapsed and the room vacuumed of oxygen. The longer she stood in the middle of the room, alone and gutted, the more she bled out until she was a numb, vacant shell.
Had she been too quick to forgive him? Was she letting her feelings for him pollute rational thought?
She didn’t think so. Aside from failing to tell her about his role in Justin’s death, Nate had never lied to her. In fact, getting him to talk about his past, about anything, had been like pulling teeth from a rabid wolf. No one would make up stories like that. Besides, his behavior backed up everything.
What was she supposed to do now? Could she fix it, make him understand? Did he just need space?
Justin. Dear, sweet Justin. That’s what she needed. To talk to her brother and gain some clarity, some insight. Then maybe she would know how to approach Nate and figure out what to do.
Heading into the bedroom, she dressed and went downstairs. Bypassing the kitchen where the sounds of Aunt Mae were clinking and clanging, Olivia opened the front door and stepped onto the porch.
Humidity and the scent of hay, of untamed land, bathed her face as she made the hike to the cemetery. Sunlight shone and heated her chilled bones while her shoes crunched on gravel. Eventually reaching her destination, she shut the squeaky gate and knelt at Justin’s grave.
“You tricked him into coming to Meadowlark, didn’t you?” She sniffed and pulled a couple dandelions from the base of his stone. “I figured it out, little brother. You knew Nate had no one and nothing to go back to once he was discharged, so you put a failsafe in place in case you weren’t able to bring him here yourself.” She nodded. “Well done.”
She sat in the damp grass and crossed her legs. “Except he thinks he’s responsible for your death.” Her chest hitched and she rolled her lips over her teeth to stave off tears. “You jerk. Why’d you have to go into that building? Huh? You up and left me.” Angrily, she wiped her wet cheeks. “All this time, I’ve been furious at the wrong person. I blamed your superior because it was easier than blaming a dead man.” She shook her head. “So much blame to go around. But no one’s really at fault, are they? Not even you.”
Leaning back, she rested on her hands. “I went down to the creek the day you died. At the time, I didn’t know you’d passed yet, but I had this strange urge to go. Nakos threw a fit, of course.” She laughed. “I really went to see you, I think. Habit, perhaps. We always met there to play, remember? I crouched by the bank and thought about all the things we’d done and seen, all our memories. Everything we were and could be. And I was angry even then because you’d gone off halfway across the world.” She sobered. “So, I went down to the creek to see you, but you weren’t there. I suspect a part of me knew you were dead the moment it happened.”
She tilted her head. “You broke my heart and I was mad. Have been since we buried you. Survivor’s guilt, I suppose.” And the situation rammed home. “That’s Nate’s problem. He was given no sense of self-worth. You befriended him, made him start to view things differently, and then you died on his watch. Now he doesn’t know how to deal with the fact that you broke his heart, too. He didn’t know he had one.”
And there was no doubt. Nathan Roldan had heart. Too much of it. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t carry such immense remorse around like it was his due. He wouldn’t have followed through on a promise to watch over a woman he’d never met. He certainly wouldn’t have been willing to evolve from a lifetime of loneliness in order to seek a connection.
Blowing out a sigh, she stood. The visit had done exactly what she’d been hoping it would. “I know sending him here was to help him, but you gave me the bigger gift.” She brushed off her pants. “Love you. Say hi to Mom and Dad.”
As she strode out of the cemetery, she whispered, “Thank you. I’ve got it from here.”