Chapter Twenty-Three
Olivia pulled her truck in the driveway and cut the engine, then pounded her fist on the steering wheel a trillion times. Not that it helped her frustration level, but it beat screaming through town like Wee Willie Winkie after a meltdown.
All day yesterday, she’d torn Meadowlark apart trying to find Nate. After little sleep, she’d headed out to do the same thing this morning. Nothing. Nada. All Rip would tell her was Nate started work on Monday and that, last he’d heard, Nate was fine. The good ole boys club, protecting each other. Rip must've assumed Nate needed time.
She wasn’t fine. And she didn’t believe for one second Nate was, either.
Helpless tears of concern and fear threatened again, so she climbed out of the truck and stalked toward the barn. Perhaps Nakos had heard from Nate.
Sunlight beat down and the grass was damp with dew. Spring clung to the tepid air and birds chirped. A breeze whirred the leaves budding on the trees. Flowers poked through the defrosted ground, ready to bloom. She wanted to napalm all of it, obliterate anything joyful and cheerful until she saw with her own two eyes that Nate was all right.
Nakos stood outside the first barn, clipboard in hand. “Hebe, Olivia.”
“Have you seen him?”
He focused a little too hard on the clipboard, flipping papers. “Who would that be?”
“You know who.” She crossed her arms. “Nate. Where is he?”
Giving up the pretense, he lowered the clipboard and stared at her, gaze understanding. “I may or may not have hung out with him last night.”
“Where?”
“It doesn’t matter and I’m not telling you.” He held up his palm when she bared her teeth. “He’s figuring stuff out, little red. Give him time. He’ll come around.”
Shoulders deflating, she pouted. Nakos wasn’t going to cave.
“Did he...” Crap. Her throat clogged with tears. “Is he really okay?” She sniffed. “And if you lie to me, I’ll fire you.”
A smile teased his lips. “You won’t fire me and I’ve never lied to you. He’ll come around. I promise.”
She looked at him another moment, then spun on her heels. “I’ll kill you both as soon as I find him.”
Nakos’s laugh faded as she stomped up to the house.
Kicking off her shoes in the tack room, she shoved through the kitchen door. Aunt Mae was at the table, papers scattered everywhere in her version of organization. Eyeglasses perched on the end of her nose, she glared at a page in her hand, then one at her elbow as if comparing.
Olivia knew better than to bother her aunt when she was doing monthly statements, but this couldn’t wait. “Did he call? Has he come back?”
“No, baby girl. I’m sorry.” Aunt Mae removed her glasses and set them aside, then smoothed her white strands. “Let me make you something to eat.”
“No, thanks. I can’t even comprehend food right now.” She blew a hefty sigh and glanced around. Pancakes and sausage in mass on the counter. A pot of soup going on the stove. Normal, as always. Except Nate wasn’t here. She rubbed her forehead, achy from crying. “What are you working on? Looked like you were upset.”
“Oh, well. You should take a look.” Aunt Mae shoved her glasses back on and passed Olivia a paper. “That’s the bank statement for last month. The numbers are off. There are too many funds.”
“Okay,” she said slowly. “Perhaps one of the suppliers haven’t withdrawn yet.”
“I thought the same thing, but I looked into that already.” Aunt Mae handed over another paper. “That’s the employee payroll. I compared check numbers to what was on the statement.” She removed her glasses yet again and stared at Olivia. “Nate’s are the only ones that haven’t gone through.”
Olivia froze. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, he hasn’t cashed or deposited one check since he arrived.”
“What?” She glanced at the page, then her aunt. They paid the ranch hands every two weeks. Off the top of her head, that was roughly five to six checks Nate hadn’t cashed. And she’d handed them to him herself. “Why would...”
Oh no. Oh God.
He’d refused to take payment from her. That’s what this was about. He wouldn’t accept money for what he wrongfully assumed was atonement for his sins. Because he wasn’t on Cattenach Ranch to work. He was here to fulfill a promise. In his mind, anyway.
Hands shaking, she set the papers down. The room blurred in a haze through hot tears. Her stomach plummeted to her knees.
“I have to find him,” she whispered.
No one had ever shown him they cared. Aside from her brother, nobody had ever bothered to try. Nate had stumbled through life on a wing and a prayer. It was shocking he’d turned out as charismatic as he had, considering.
And after the way he’d left yesterday, the things he’d said, she could only imagine his state of mind right now. Though hesitant, he had started to reach for happiness, to believe the things she’d told him.
But to have that ripped away, like Justin had been taken from him, even if by Nate’s own hand, would probably send him spiraling. To Nate, he wasn’t worthy of her or the life she’d offered, and a lifetime of being alone and in pain was his punishment.
Lord, she had to find him before his conscience undid all her progress.
“I’ll be back in a little while.”
In a daze, she climbed the stairs, rummaged in the box Nate had made for her, and pulled out Justin’s letter. She put it in her back pocket and went back downstairs to the kitchen.
“If he calls or stops by, text me right away.”
Aunt Mae nodded, her smile sad. “Sure thing, baby girl.”
Olivia made her way outside and stopped near the herb garden, trying to think.
Nate’s motorcycle had been at the police station when she’d stopped in, but parked in back out of view. Which she’d stumbled onto by accident trying to turn the truck around in the small lot. He couldn’t be far if he was on foot. She’d already checked the diner and storefronts nearby. The ranch hands had searched the property yesterday with no luck.
So, where the heck was he?
Two sharp barks rent the air and she turned. Bones loped down the hill on the other side of the wildflower patch, his black and white fur flowing due to his speed. He barked twice more.
The poor dog had spent the night whining, pacing from her third floor suite to Nate’s bedroom and back again. This morning, he’d taken off for the barn when Olivia had gotten in her truck.
Bones stopped feet from her, barked twice, and turned as if wanting her to follow him.
“Did you find him, boy?” Lord have mercy, please. “Where’s Nate?”
The dog took off in the direction he’d started, and Olivia jogged to catch up. She followed him up the hill and around the bend, Bones stopping periodically to wait. Once he made a hard left at a cottonwood, she realized where he was leading her and picked up speed.
Out of breath, she halted by the cemetery gate and nearly collapsed to her knees.
Nate, his back to her and facing Justin’s grave, stood with his hands on his hips and his bald head down. He wore a black tee and sweats, smeared by grass stains. Judging by that and the wet patches darkening his pants, he’d been sitting at one point. Had he been here all night?
Relief crippled everything else, and she slapped a hand over her mouth to hold in a sob. She breathed through the assault, remembering her frantic searching and frenetic worry, and closed her eyes.
When she opened them and he stepped back like he was going to turn around, rage took over and shoved gratitude into the backseat.
***
“You!” The cemetery gate squeaked open and slammed shut.
Nate spun at the feminine shriek and found one purely pissed off and furious Olivia Cattenach stomping toward him.
Homicidal eyes red-rimmed, lips firm, auburn hair flying around her head, and a fierce wrinkle between her brows, she launched at him. He barely had time to set his feet and her fists were pounding his chest.
“You...jerk!” Punch. “How could you take off like that?” Punch. “I looked everywhere for you.” Punch, punch. “All day, half the night, and this morning.”
Christ. He lifted his hands, not to fend her off because, well, she wasn’t actually hurting him in the slightest, but he was worried she’d hurt herself. “Olivia—”
“No. You don’t get to speak. You said enough yesterday. It’s my turn.” And...she was back to wailing on him. “I was worried sick.” Punch. “I thought you were dead in a ditch...” Inhaling suddenly, she straightened, her pretty eyes bugging into something downright scary. “You’re laughing at me?”
He rolled his lips over his teeth, but it was no use. A laugh emerged. “I’ve just never heard anyone actually say that before. The dead in a ditch thing. I thought it was some cliché manufactured by parents to frighten kids into obedience.”
“Well, it’s not. I literally searched ditches on the side of the road.” Her voice rose two octaves above banshee. “Ditches, Nathan! And you didn’t cash your paychecks. After what you said, how you wished it had been you...” Punch, punch. Then, she choked on a sob, her arms falling limply at her sides. “The suicide rate is high for returning vets and you looked dejected when you left and I couldn’t find you and...”
Fear melded with gripping loss, twisting her face.
Ah, shit. “Come here, baby.”
He pulled her to him, but she climbed up his body and clung to him. Arms around his head and legs banding his waist and face buried in his neck, she trembled as hot tears splashed his skin.
“I’m sorry.” Closing his eyes, he cinched her higher and threaded his fingers in her hair. Christ, the thought had never occurred to him, that she’d jump to that kind of conclusion. “I’m so sorry, baby.” He kissed her strands, lids pinched tight, his insides spilling all over the grass. “I’d never do that. I swear. No matter what, I’d never do that.”
Panting, she seemed to be winding down from her jag. “For Justin. The promise?”
Yes. He owed it to her brother to live his life to the fullest. Justin’s time had been cut short. He’d never have the opportunity to fall in love or hold his child or tell another ridiculous joke. But due to him, Nate would have that chance. He was here, happiness at his feet, because a redheaded kid from Wyoming had persistently chipped away at Nate’s resolve in the middle of a godforsaken desert.
“And for you.” Nate skimmed his hand over her strands, eternally thankful to have her in his arms. She triggered the calm in him, easing the tension and taming his beast. He breathed in her rain scent, absorbed her warmth, and shook with gratitude. “You know I keep my promises. I swear to you on my pathetic, empty heart that I will never leave you again.”
Finally, she lifted her head, looking at him with those holy-shit blue eyes framed by wet lashes. She cupped his jaw, his stubble a scratching sound against her palm. “I like to think of your heart as uncharted.” She offered a weak smile.
Damn, but she felled him. He brushed his nose against hers, at a loss.
“Go in my back pocket.” She sniffed. “Please.”
Adjusting her in his hold, he reached into her jeans and pulled out...Justin’s letter. Nate had carried it around everywhere with him. He’d recognize that yellowed envelope and Olivia’s name in chicken scrawl anywhere. He jerked his gaze to hers in question.
“Read it.” When he started to object, she ran her hand over his head, her gaze following the movement. “I want you to read it.”
Since it seemed important to her, he ignored the cold sense of dread and his pounding heart. Sitting with her in his lap, he took out the folded sheet of paper and opened it behind her back. As he clenched his jaw to read, she rested her head on his shoulder.
Olivia,
If you’re reading this, I’m with Mom and Dad. I’m not much for writing, but since this is the last you’ll hear from me for a while, I’ll try to be epic. No pressure.
This also means Nathan Roldan is probably with you, delivering my letter. I know he’s huge-nor-mongus (I declare that an actual word. Notify Webster immediately), but he’s harmless. He’s a gentle giant, honest to God. Without him, I might not have gotten through this adventure. You’re safe with him. I have no idea what circumstances caused my death, but don’t dwell on them, and instruct Nate not to, as well. They don’t matter.
I could fill a notebook with memories of us but, instead, I’ll pick one. It stands out to me the most and is something I’ll carry with me to the other side. Us, standing graveside, as they lowered our parents into the ground. For most, that would be a horrible day. It was cold and wet, everyone was wearing black, and people were crying. I was too young to understand the significance at the time, only that I was scared and confused. But you took my hand, squeezed it, and told me everything was going to be okay.
And you made sure of that. You were the best big sister a guy could ask for. Never did I want for anything. You put me first and took care of me, so it’s time I did the same.
Which brings me back to Nate. I suspect he has no one in his life and no home of his own. I choose him for you. Whether he’s a friend you nurture or a soul mate that develops into love, don’t let him walk away after reading this. Don’t let him become a passing stranger delivering a note or an acquaintance you see once in a blue moon. Take care of him and let him take care of you. Grant me that one thing.
Tell Aunt Mae I love her so much. Thank her for rescuing us and for giving up her life to come back to the ranch. She treated us like her own and I want her to know that hasn’t gone unnoticed. Tell Nakos to stop gawking at you and find his real love. Also that the buckle on saddle eight is loose. It’s not, but mess with him one last time for me. I’ll miss him. And tell Amy to smile more like she used to. She has my permission to call you Liv any time she wants because you hate it and it gives her pleasure to annoy you. I’ll miss her tons, too.
Now, this letter will self-destruct in ten seconds, so I’ll be brief in my last order. Do not think of me and cry. I know you and that’s what you’re doing. In fact, only think of me twice a year—Spring and Winter harvest. That was my favorite and I’ll watch over you while you plant.
I’ll miss you most of all, Scarecrow. I love you. Be happy.
Justin
Through a sheen of tears he attempted to will away, Nate refolded the letter and put it back in Olivia’s pocket. Then, he set his chin on her shoulder and held her silently until the gutting sensation passed. Talk about cracking his chest cavity wide open.
Christ, he missed the little bastard. He’d thought highly enough of Nate to manipulate fate in order to intertwine his life with Olivia’s. To make sure they wound up in the same place. And leave it to Justin to try to make his sister laugh while saying goodbye. Just like him—funny, sweet. Truthfully, and he'd said this all along, Nate was the lucky one to have known Justin, not the other way around.
He stared at Justin’s grave, at the headstones of Olivia's parents, and sighed as melancholy swallowed him whole.
Some time later, when he thought he could speak, he pulled away and pushed her hair from her face, holding her head in his hands. And again, he was struck stupid by her beauty. Yes, she had a pretty face and gorgeous hair and adorable freckles and huge eyes and a pouty mouth. But it was the whole package that was beautiful—the components that made up her personality, rendering her unique. She was witty and smart and hard-working and unselfish and stubborn to a fault.
And mercy, did he love her.
“I’m probably going to screw this up, but hear me out.” He rested his forehead to hers. “You know my background, but I don’t think you can fully understand the...loneliness involved. Or how it messed up my head. It started with Justin and continued with you, but somehow you cracked through years of ingrained lies to show me the truth. I’ll never be rid of the guilt. I don’t think that’ll ever go away. Stupid mistakes were made, yet I know now not everything was my fault. You showed me that, baby.”
He kissed her wet eyes, wiped her damp cheeks with his thumbs. “Something else I realized, that took me too long to comprehend, was my life didn’t start in a Chicago hospital. It began in the desert with your brother. And if you’ll let me, I’d like to spend the rest of it with you.”
Her chest hitched and more tears spilled. “Nate—”
“Let me finish. This isn’t easy for me and...” He shook his head. “Actually, it is. Being with you is easy. That’s what I’m trying to say. Nothing in my life has been simple. Love was never supposed to be a part of my plan. I have no clue what I’m doing, I have nothing to offer you in return, but I do know how to love. Because you showed me. And I do love you, more than I thought was possible. Forgive me and let me keep loving you. Please, baby.”
She looked at him, tender gaze sweeping over his face, and drew a slow inhale. “There’s nothing to forgive. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you all along.” She blew out a ragged breath. “Forgive yourself for thinking you were ever less than what you are—a good man.”
Gaze determined, she held his jaw. “I love you.”
A strangled sound died in his throat and he glanced heavenward. Breaths soughing, he struggled not to split apart, atom by atom. Unimaginable heat blasted behind his ribs, filled the fissures of darkness, and all he could do to hold it together was close his eyes.
She stroked his head with aching gentleness, wrapped her fingers around the back of his neck. “Get used to hearing it because I’m going to say it a lot.”
“Never,” he rasped and looked at her. “I’ll never get used to hearing it.” It was one thing to spot the emotion on others, to find it in her eyes when she gazed at him, but something else entirely to have her say the words aloud. “No one’s ever...” He sucked air. Cleared his throat. “Please say it again.”
She grinned, and the last remnants of his old life cindered to dust. “I. Love. You.”
Nope. Never get used to it. Fisting his hand in her hair, he pulled her to him.
As he sank inside her kiss, in the sanctuary and refuge she forever offered, he was jarred by the freedom, as well. To let go and just...be with her was liberation at its very core. No secrets or lies or shadows threatening to consume. Nothing stood in their way and no one could steal his chance at happiness. Not even him.
Bones barked and pawed at Nate’s pant leg.
He chuckled under his breath. “I love you, too, boy.”
With a contented hum, she smiled against his lips. “I hope you realize that leaving and scaring me makes us even for the creek incident.”
He eased away and glanced at the thin, red scar by her hairline, traced it with his fingertip. “Not even close, baby.”
She laughed. “Is that a challenge?”
“Don’t make me sic Nakos on you. I’ll do it.”
Another laugh, and she rolled her eyes. Adorable. “I can handle him.”
“Yeah, but can you handle me?” He gave her a hard, quick smack on the lips and stood. If it put her in a coma, he didn’t care. He was going to make love to her all damn day and through the night. Bending, he wrapped an arm around her waist and tossed her onto his shoulder. “I think not.”
She giggled as he strode through the gate, Bones at his heels. “Where are you taking me?”
“Home, baby. We’re going home.”