Callie

I was settled nicely in the cozy house on the Stephens farm. The couple went out of their way to make us feel at home. Maggie begged to hold Josiah, and she cuddled him with all the excitement of a grandmother. By the end of the day, she had gone shopping and returned with a bag full of toys. "I hope you don't mind if I spoil him just a little?" she asked, her eyebrows raised to seek my permission.

"No, it's fine. He doesn't get very much spoiling, I'm afraid."

"It's just that, well, it doesn't look like I'm ever going to have any grandchildren, so this is as close as I get."

"Josiah can use as many grandparents as possible." Of course, Josiah had Dad, but he was still in the hospital and would be in rehab for some time. Children grow quickly, and at that young age, they forget people. He wasn't really Clayton's son, and anyway the Pierces had made it very clear they wanted nothing to do with Josiah or with me. Michael's parents had no idea they had a grandson, which left Josiah out in the cold. Sometimes I wondered whether I had done him a kindness or made his life rougher by my parental decisions.

I continued to visit Dad as often as I could, but it was obvious that he was getting better and needed me less and less. I had to focus on the Stephens farm, the employees and the overall goals the Stephenses wished to accomplish. Like most horse breeders, they wanted a Triple Crown winner. That wasn't likely to happen, though, as their farm lacked the proper training facilities. I was very open about that when they asked, and although I think they were disappointed, it also seemed to get them thinking about expanding the farm. There was the option of adding grazing pastureland to the south of their place. An old farm with more than a thousand acres was lying fallow, its owner having passed away the year before. It was the ideal acquisition, and I had encouraged them to consider it.

Then came my personal challenges. It had been a while since I'd spent time with horses on a daily basis. Eventually, Hector assimilated to the routine with the other animals and settled down. I'd made up my mind to overcome the PTSD, or at least learn to live with it and not let it limit my life. I never talked about it; I wasn't a war veteran or a former police officer; I was just a tiny young woman who had lived through a traumatic event.

So, every morning before I left for school, I put a bridle on Hector and walked him down to a stand of trees in a nearby pasture. Without using the saddle, I would mount him and simply hold him in place. It often made me feel dizzy, and my heart would pound, but as long as I didn't give him the signal to begin walking, it seemed to be manageable. The first few days were the roughest, but then gradually it became more tolerable. I was proud of my progress, and I was starting to feel like I could regain my life.

My dream was still to become a female jockey. The only person I confessed this to was Dad. He understood the basis of the fear, and yet he'd always been my biggest supporter and encouraged me to accept the fear, but do it anyway. At first, I was a little resentful. He didn't seem to understand just how paralyzing these episodes could be.

I lay in bed at night and tried to analyze what, in particular, was holding me back. One night an idea came to mind, and it resulted in one of those aha moments. I could see that I was almost cherishing the episodes - because if I conquered those fears, I would lose touch with my mom. She and the fear had become one and the same. As long as I had the episodes, I would never forget about her.

After I realized that, things seemed different when I mounted Hector the next morning. I felt more in control, and that day I took the bridle in hand and led him in a circle around a tree. I was shaking by the time I dismounted, but I felt as though I'd won the first battle. I decided not to let Dad know, not just yet. I still had a lot of work to go.

By then, it was summer again. Michael was consumed with preparing for his last year's classes. He invited himself to the Stephens farm occasionally, but it was always timed when Josiah was at Deb's for daycare. He had yet to meet my child. I wondered why he never asked after Josiah. Maybe it was because the child would remind him of my having gotten involved with Clayton. I wanted so many times to tell him the truth, to clear my reputation and for him to know his son. The risks outweighed the benefits, though, so I kept things to myself. If it were just Michael, I would have already told him. But there were his parents to be considered. Mr. Shannon was known to have no boundaries when it came to going after what he wanted. Although they were old money and their family had lived in the county for generations, Mr. Shannon lacked the chivalry and tolerance that others displayed when it came to weak spots in their family. In my mind, he was not much more than a bully, although I didn't know him well and should have reserved my opinion. His wife was a rather weak-willed woman whom he seemed to dominate easily. It was hard to believe that Michael was their son. There was nothing weak-willed about him, and although he went after what he wanted, it was always accomplished with integrity and a positive spirit. In his own way, Michael had it rougher than those who were born to less fortunate families. I saw it, but never commented on it.

One day Michael's car pulled up to the house as I was having lunch. He tapped on my door and I called for him to come in.

"Hi there, lassie. How's your day?"

"It's pretty great, actually. The doctors think that Dad might be released week after next. I have to do a few things around here to make the house accessible for him, but I'm very excited for him to come home."

"Why don't I give you a hand? I'm guessing he'll still be in a wheelchair for a while and you'll need an accessibility ramp. I can put one together, and when he's better and on his feet, it can be easily removed."

"Oh, Michael! Could you? I was going to ask one of the farmhands to build it, but it didn't seem appropriate that I use the Stephenses' employees to do something for me personally."

"Sure, it's no problem, lassie."

"So, what brings you by today? You look like the heat's getting to you. Why don't I get us a glass of lemonade and we'll sit in the shade on the patio?"

"I can think of only one thing I'd like better," he said with a wink. I could feel myself blush, but maybe he thought it was just the heat.

"You go on out and I'll be there in a second."

I had just baked cookies the night before. Josiah loved oatmeal cookies, so I tried to keep a full jar on hand. I put a few on a small plate and filled two tall glasses with lemonade, taking care to add a slice of lemon to the rim of each glass. I felt like the ideal hostess and was a little proud of myself. I loaded these onto a tray I'd found in the Stephenses' attic. Every so often I went up there and unearthed yet another treasure.

Michael was waiting for me on the patio. That side of the house was shaded by an ancient oak tree, probably planted decades before the house had been built. It was one of my favorite places, partly because it reminded me of the big tree down by the pond where Michael and I had first made love. I handed him the lemonade and set the tray down on the small table between our chairs. He reached for a cookie.

"These are really good," he complimented me, and I beamed with pleasure. "I didn't know you could cook."

"I think there's a lot of things you don't know about me, smarty-pants."

"Is that so? Such as?"

"Such as just maybe I got those spells under control."

"No kidding? Callie, lassie that's wonderful. How did you manage it?"

"Being stubborn comes in handy once in a while. I started by just sitting on Hector every morning. The part of me that loves to ride eventually kicked in and I couldn't stand to just sit still. I started with walking him in a big circle so I wouldn't get far from home, and then every day I made the circle bigger. I can ride him anywhere on the farm now, but I've not tried going further than that."

"God, but I'm proud of you. I've always known you were a determined young lady when it came to something you want."

"There's more," I told him.

"More?"

"I want to be a jockey."

"My God, you really have come a long way. Is there anything here on the farm that's fit to ride? You don't even have a track. How will you practice?"

"I didn't say I had all the answers yet. I thought I'd wait until Dad was here. It would give him a project and make him feel like his old self again."

"That's my girl. Always problem-solving."

"You think so? I guess you get good at it when you have a lot of problems to solve."

We concentrated on our lemonade and cookies for a few minutes, silent but companionable in the breezy shade. Although the humidity was high, by this time of the summer we'd grown used to it.

"Callie, there are a couple of things I wanted to talk about. Oh, don't get alarmed, it's nothing serious." He must've seen the alarm fly into my eyes. "As you know, this will be the last year for my undergraduate degree. Then it's on to law school."

I nodded. "You must be proud of yourself."

"Well, you're not doing too shabbily yourself. You have a lot to deal with, and yet you're still in school."

I shook my head.

"You're not in school anymore?"

"No, all finished."

"Do you mean to say you graduated?"

I nodded. "It was only a two-year degree, you know. Now I have a good job doing something I love, and there doesn't seem to be any reason to go beyond that." Michael's face took on an odd look, and I supposed he was counting the months that I'd been going to school. He drew in breath as though he was starting to say something, but reconsidered and gave a little shake of his head as he returned to his own topic.

"I'm not sure that I've told you everything, but you probably know that Dad and I had a falling out when he found out I'd given up football."

"Well, there were little signs, but I didn't want to ask."

"It's okay. You know I will tell you anything. Anyway, he doesn't speak to me much and we keep our distance from one another."

"Why was football so important to him when you were going to school to become a lawyer?"

"A very good question, and the only answer I can come up with is that I realized, after a few very pointed discussions, that his plan for my future is to join him in running the farm. He was just tolerating the lawyer part so that I would play football and he could brag about me."

I felt badly for Michael. His father had a lot of money, but in my world, my dad was far richer. He'd always been my supporter, for the right reasons.

"I'm sorry, Michael. I didn't realize it was that serious."

He shrugged and forced the pain from his face. "The point is that on my next birthday, I'll be inheriting my grandfather's money. Dad has threatened me, for another reason entirely, and although he can't intervene on my inheritance, he can make my life pretty miserable if he chooses to. This is where you come in."

"Me?"

"God knows it's no secret how I feel, and have always felt about you. So what I need to ask of you kills me inside, but you have to believe me when I say it's very important. I have one more year of undergrad and then I'll be choosing a law school. Things will change dramatically then, but for the time being, I need to isolate myself. Not only do I have to have the best grades, but I need to become more or less a hermit. There won't be any parties or after-game celebrations at the bar. I won't be seeing my friends or going to any of the social functions. Without going into details, I can't give my dad any opportunities to manipulate me. I know you don't understand what I'm talking about, but I'm asking you to just trust me on this."

"Geez, Michael. This sounds sort of serious. Almost like you're going to prison."

"Well, in one respect, I guess you could say that's true. Anyway, the point is, I need one year to myself - well, actually just until spring when I graduate. Then, I'm coming for you. I want us to get serious, and I pray to God that you are okay with that."

The alarm must have appeared on my face, but I said nothing. He continued to talk.

"I know I gave you a little ring years ago, and at the time I tried to make small of what it meant. Right now, I'm asking you to wait for me. I can't focus on the things I have to accomplish if I'm worried about losing you."

"What exactly are you asking me?"

"I want to ask you to stay loyal to me and to give me this time I need to wrap things up. I want to know that you'll be waiting for me when I'm done, and I promise you that I will have your back, even though you may not see me. In fact, you won't see me. I can't have any distractions."

"It's not as though I have boyfriends stacked at every entrance, but Michael, are you asking me to have no life? You want me to put things on hold?"

"Only with regard to what is between us. I don't want a repeat of the mistake with Clayton, to tell you the truth."

I bristled at this. I was being blamed for what had happened with Clayton. I could see that I was a little culpable for going to dinner with him, but a girl should be able to go to dinner without getting drugged, married and widowed. "I have to tell you, I'm a little insulted at what you're inferring."

"Oh, please don't take it that way. That's not at all how I meant it. How to say it outright? Callie, I want you in my life for good. I'm just not in a position where I can formally ask you now. Will you wait for me?"

I was silent for a couple of minutes as I considered his request. I wasn't dating anyone and didn't have any plans to do so, but there was a long, lonely winter ahead and I had no idea what life might have in store for me. "Michael, there's no one but you in my life right now and I have no intention of looking for anyone. At the same time, I think if we are honest about it, you're the one who's had a long leash and I'm the one who's stayed close to home. That thing with Clayton wasn't really something I planned, and I shouldn't be held accountable for it."

"I know, I know, and I didn't mean to suggest that you were. I just don't want to lose you, Callie, but for us to be happy together, I need to finish school and make the moves that will be right for us over the long term. I can't go into any more than that, and I'm asking you to trust me."

"I trust you. I assume you're telling me that you won't be dating other girls?"

"You have my word on it. There's no one for me but you, and I think you already know that."

"Here's what I'm willing to agree to, Michael. I know you're going to be busy, but that's a long time to go without being able to reach you. If I know that I can call you if I need to talk to someone, then I won't go looking anywhere else. If, for whatever reason, another man crosses my path, I will talk to you about it first. You have my word on that. Beyond that, I can't make promises, because if there's anything I've learned in life, it's that you can't see any further than the next step you take. Things happen."

I could tell by the look on his face that it wasn't exactly what he had hoped to hear. "I understand, Callie, I really do. Please don't make this sound like we are breaking up. All I'm asking is to be allowed to focus on these last few months and then all options are on the table. I just don't want you to think that I've abandoned you, because nothing could be further from the truth."

I tipped up my glass of lemonade, finishing it, and looked to him to do the same. He handed me his empty glass and I set it on the tray and stood up. "You keep your word and I'll keep mine. If you close off the path of contact for me, don't expect me to be waiting when you come back. Fair enough?"

He nodded slowly. "Not exactly what I wanted to hear, but certainly fair enough."

Michael followed me into the kitchen, and when I set the tray down, he put his hands on my shoulders and turned me around to face him. "I love you, Callie Tucker, and I will be back for you." He bent and gave me a long, emotion-filled kiss - one that I knew would have to last for very long time. When he broke away, he turned and walked out of the cottage. I stood in the window and watched his car as he pulled out of the drive and then closed my eyes. I wanted to keep that vision trapped in my brain for as long as I possibly could.