A Hole Where My Heart Should Be
My brain goes straight to auto pilot as I leave the hospital. I end up at home on the small couch with my bags in front of me not remembering how I got here. Staring at Gramps’ chair brings a fresh wave of grief, and it’s staggering. I have to close my eyes just to keep from passing out with dizziness. That might also be due to the fact that I can’t remember the last time I ate anything. The last full meal that I can remember was on Christmas when one of the nurses brought me dinner and I didn’t want to be rude and not eat it. Otherwise, I’ve been living off of what few things I’ve been scrounging from the vending machines.
The house phone rings off the hook, but I never answer it. There’s also numerous knocks on the front door, but I don’t move to open it. I’ve never wanted to be anything other than human, but right now I truly envy hermit crabs. I wish I had a shell that I could crawl up into, and stay forever without coming out if I don’t want.
When I signed the last of the paperwork for the hospital, they informed me that I would have to wait until tomorrow to contact the funeral home. So, I curl up on the couch and sleep the day away.
My dreams make me restless, and I eventually have to get up to take one of my old sleeping pills. I stopped taking them, because they turned me into a zombie the next day. Right now, I don’t give a shit. I just want to sleep the pain away.
The medicine does its job, and I don’t wake up until after noon the next day. My body aches, and feels like it’s been run over by a Mack truck. I’m still not ready to face life, but I don’t have a choice. I have to do it for Gramps.
I shower and throw on some random clothes before I grab the paperwork and head over to the funeral home that Gramps used for Nana. Fortunately for me, they still remember me, and I’m not required to talk at all as we go through the motions of planning everything out. Whatever life insurance plan that he had is taking care of all expenses for the funeral. My gut twists painfully thinking about if he wouldn’t have had that plan. I don’t know what I would have done. When it’s all said and done, they give me their deepest condolences and say that they’ll see me in two days’ time.
Something hit me in the shower this morning; I have nothing to wear. There’s no way I’m going to disrespect Gramps and wear jeans to his funeral. I head over to the local thrift store. Sitting at the hospital with him for almost a month means I wasn’t working. I’m sure I’ve lost my job by now, but I don’t care. If Charles can’t understand the circumstances, then fuck him. Those jobs are a dime a dozen anyways, but that also means that my funds are limited. I don’t need anything fancy, just something to not embarrass us.
The first rack I come to has a dress in my size. It doesn’t have any holes or smell funny, so I buy it without even trying it on. As I make it home and walk in, I realize that all of the lights and the heater are off. Shit. I must have forgotten to pay the power. Oh, fucking well. I don’t care.
Hanging the dress up so the wrinkles will fall out, I down another one of those pills and crawl under the covers on my bed. I sleep all through the next day, since all I do is take a pill, sleep for eight hours, and repeat the process. By the time the day of the funeral rolls around, I’m good and numb.
My brain wakes way before I want to, and add that to the cold shower from not having the hot water heater, I’m fully awake hours before I need to be at the funeral home. I know that I promised Gramps that I would do my best to make him proud, but I’ll have to start tomorrow. For now, I want to keep living in the black abyss. As I’m digging through my bag, that I still haven’t unpacked, a familiar sight tumbles out onto the bed. Mav’s camera. A glutton for punishment, I sit down on the side of the bed and turn it on. The first picture steals my breath and takes a stab at the bubble of numb that I have wrapped myself in. I click to move it along faster. Each picture of the guys puts even more pressure on my chest. When I make it to the one of all of us sitting around the table, it’s too much. I shut it down, take the batteries out and throw them across the room. I hope they roll somewhere it’ll take forever to find. I need the numbness to stay, and it hurts too fucking bad to think about them on top of putting Gramps in the ground today. My leather jacket settles across my shoulders, and I take a deep breath of the leather. It doesn’t smell like Brian anymore, but it’s comforting none the less. It makes me feel almost like Brian, Casey and Will are here with me today.
We worked it out so that there wouldn’t be a viewing. Gramps always said that he hated having one for Nana, and when he passed, he wanted people to remember him the way he was before, not as a cold body lying in a casket. There is a small service inside the funeral home that more people than I thought knew Gramps shows up to. They all give me their sympathies and condolences with tears in their eyes. I feel like I’ve got cotton balls jammed down in my ears, so I just nod whenever someone speaks to me. At the end, I’m loaded into the family car, and we make our way over to the cemetery.
Gramps and Nana are going to be buried side by side. The headstone that was put in for Nana also has his name on the other side. Someone will have to add his death date to it, so I’ll have to try to remember to call about that too. I’ve handled as many people as I can today, and the numbness is trying to wear off. I’m going to need them to hurry.
It doesn’t take long for a few words to be said over him. Everyone starts to drift away back to their cars as the casket is lowered into the ground. One of the funeral home employees walks over to me, “Are you riding back with someone?”
Not taking my eyes from the box that holds what’s left of my grandfather, I nod to him.
“Ok, great. We’ll see you back there,” he says walking away.
The two guys standing off to the side are watching me as they begin to push dirt back into the hole, successfully severing the one tie that I had left in this world. I stand there long after they finish and stare at the space on the ground between Gramps and Nana. They didn’t have to take me in when my parents decided to be complete shitheads, but they did. The two of them raised me better than I ever would have been otherwise. I wish I could crawl right there between them. If it wasn’t for my promise to myself and Gramps, there’s no guarantee that I wouldn’t try. I’m doing what I can, but I just don’t know if I’m strong enough for this. My chest hurts again, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t get the numbness to come back, except in my fingers and toes. That has more to do with the sun going down and the wind whipping around me. Tears make warm tracks down my cheeks. My knees hit the frozen ground, but if it hurts, I don’t feel it. Nothing could beat the pain that sits in the middle of my body right now. I just…I just can’t…
Sobs rack my body and I can’t stop it. Pressing hands to my stomach and chest where it hurts does nothing to obliterate the pain.
A voice cuts across the grass, but I don’t care if anyone sees me like this. Who are they to judge how I grieve? Another voice closer than the last one means they’re probably heading my way. Please. Oh, fucking please just leave me alone.
“Kendall?” I recognize the face in front of me, but the pain in my chest is just too much.
The owner of the second voice comes around the side where I can see them and drops to their knees in front of me. Hands reach out to take mine and the difference in temperature between the two of us burns, “Jesus Christ, baby. You’re fucking freezing.”
Lucas shrugs off his jacket and throws it around my shoulders. He and Teagan both are in expensive looking black suits. Sitting on the ground with me is going to ruin them. I want to tell them not to bother, but I can’t think around the pain.
“Can we take you home?” Teagan asks softly.
I can’t even bring myself to look at either of them. I’m just an empty shell of a person right now, and I’d be more than happy to burst into flames and have my ashes scattered on the wind.
Gentle hands lift me from the ground. Goose puts his hands behind my back and knees as he picks me up, “Come on babe.”
I’m jostled as he walks us down the small hill. Someone says something beside us. The one voice I wasn’t expecting to hear and one that makes the tears flow even harder. Maverick.
Goose sighs, “I don’t know man. She’s so fucking skinny. Looks like she’s lost at least fifty pounds.”
Let them talk about me like I’m not here. I stare into the darkening sky as I count the stars between my tears.
Never putting me down, Goose loads us into the backseat of the Rover. Lucas sits in the back with us and I feel his hands trying to rub some feeling back into my legs. The whole ride to Sleepy Pines, Goose talks to me. Repeatedly telling me how sorry and stupid he is. I want to respond to him, to soothe his guilt. I just can’t. There’s a hole where my heart should be, and if I open my mouth to speak, it’s going to cave in on itself.
When we make it home, I’m carried up the few steps to our porch.
“Door’s locked,” Teagan says.
Standing in front of us, Lucas turns around, “Do you have your key?” I rake my eyes over him. His shaggy hair is lying all over the place like he’s been running his hand through it. I meet his blue eyes and I see so much regret and sorrow there that it breaks my heart all over again. Sobs rack my body and I can do nothing but watch as his own tears begin to fall.
“I’m going to search your jacket for the keys, baby,” he tells me quietly.
They find the keys that I must have stashed in my pocket at some point. When we walk in, Maverick swears under his breath, “Why’s it so fucking cold in here?”
“Lights aren’t working either,” Lucas says flipping a switch on and off.
Teagan’s face is illuminated from the screen of his phone, “Already on it.”
Goose shifts underneath me, “Can you stand if I put you down?” When I don’t answer, he tries anyways. I reach out and grab the counter for support. With him hovering, I make my way around the counter to the sink. The one thing I need right now is sitting right where I left it. Popping the lid on the medicine bottle, I toss back one of the little white pills without anything to even wash it down. Doesn’t matter, it’s only going to take a few minutes to kick in and I’ll have the security blanket of numbness back.
“What was that?” Teagan asks coming around the counter and picking up the bottle from the counter. With Lucas standing over his shoulder, he reads the label and his eyes go wide. Maverick comes from the side and rips the bottle from his hands. The fury on his face would scare the hardest of criminals. He takes a quick second to read it then steps into my space so that I have no choice but to watch as he takes the lid off and pours the pills down the drain. Dropping the bottle and lid in the sink, he turns to stalk away.
That will matter later, but right now, I don’t give a fuck. I push my way through the three of them crowded in the small kitchen and make my way over to the couch. Laying down, I face to the back and tuck my arms in on myself. I fall asleep wrapped in the smell of leather and Lucas.
My head is foggy the next morning as I wake up. There are voices in the house and I know there’s not supposed to be. It all comes back in a rush, and the pain comes back with it. Everything hurts. I’m just physically and mentally exhausted. Today was the day I said I would start new, but I’m not ready. Sitting up, I realize that I’m bundled up with blankets and my head had been lying in Teagan’s lap. Unrolling myself from the cocoon of blankets, I ignore the voices as I make my way into the kitchen. The empty pill bottle in the sink is like a kick in the stomach. Turning around, I find Maverick leaned against the wall with his arms crossed against his chest. He’s still in his suit from yesterday, only he lost the jacket, and the sleeves of his white button up are rolled up his forearms. I’m torn between wanting to punch him in his smug rich boy face and begging him to take me right here on the counter.
Instead, I narrow my eyes and walk back towards my bathroom. What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him. I dig through the medicine cabinet and just as my hand closes around the bottle that I’m looking for, I feel him come up behind me. It could be any of them, honestly, but there’s something about Mav’s presence that refuses to go unnoticed. His hand whips out and snatches it from my fingers. I turn just in time to see him stuff it in his pocket.
You don’t get to tell me what to do. Especially after what you did, I want to scream. Splaying my palms against his chest, I shove him back as hard as I can. If he would have known it was coming, I probably wouldn’t have been able to make him budge. As it stands, I caught him off guard and he slams into the bathroom wall. His nostrils flare and he lunges, pressing me back against the sink. Fists down on the counter top on either side of my hips, his face is only inches from mine when Teagan comes around the corner.
Maverick doesn’t flinch or take his eyes off my face as Teagan says, “There’s some guy here to see Kendall. Something about the lot for the house.”
With the way that Mav is standing, I’m trapped until he decides that he wants to let me move. It’s almost as if Teagan and I both are holding our breath waiting to see what he’s going to do. He makes me meet his eyes before pulling away, only far enough for me to have to squeeze by him. Teagan puts his hand at the small of my back and guides me through the hallway. By the time that I’ve made my way into the living room, I’ve had time to wipe my sweaty palms against my dress.
The property manager stands up from the couch where he was sitting glaring at Goose in Gramps’ chair. When he sees me, he plasters a fake smile on his face, “Kendall. Good to see you, kiddo.” I watch his eyes glance down to Teagan’s hand still on my back and then over our shoulder to where I can hear Mav leaving the bathroom. His smile turns disapproving, but he doesn’t say anything about it.
He motions to some papers and a casserole dish laid out on the counter, “I’m sorry to hear about your grandpa and I know it’s only been a day, but we’ve got to cover some legalities of the property. Do you happen to have his will?” They might be in that packet Mr. Bishop gave me, but the thought of this weasel putting his grubby fingers on it makes me want to puke. When I don’t say anything, he points back to the papers, “We need to know who the property is passing to after someone dies. If we don’t have his will or have you sign this paper right here saying that you’ll take over then we’ll need you to pack your stuff and leave the premises no later than thirty days from now.”
“May I see that?” Tegan asks him. I remember from one of our conversations months ago that Teagan’s dad is a lawyer of some sort.
The manager scoffs at him and snatches the papers off the counter, “This is no concern of yours, boy, and you, missy,” he says turning to me. “Your grandparents are probably turning over in their graves right now knowing that you’ve got all these men in their house. It’s so disrespectful with your grandpa barely cold in his grave yet.”
My chest feels like someone stabbed me right in the heart, but I’m not longing for the numbness this time. I’m so angry I feel as though my blood is boiling underneath my skin.
“Don’t fucking talk to her like that,” Goose says stepping into the man’s space. He isn’t naturally the leader of the quad, but he is the most intimidating physically. Point proven by the manager almost pissing himself.
He backs away from Goose, “You better not threaten me, boy. I’ll call the law out here and have you arrested for taking advantage of such a young, girl.”
“Get. Out,” I grind out. It’s the first words I’ve said in over a month out loud and it makes my throat feel funny.
Holding up the papers he starts, “Listen here, girl…”
“I SAID GET THE FUCK OUT!!!” I scream. I know it sounds manic and with my eyes closed I can only imagine the faces on the five of them.
I hear him scrambling around Goose, “Thirty days and I’ll be needing that dish back too.”
He runs out the door, slamming it behind him. He needs the fucking dish back? I grab both sides of it and sling it across the counter. Glass and whatever nasty concoction inside is slung all over the room as it shatters against the wall. It makes a mess that I’ll have to clean up later, but between that and screaming at him I’m feeling so good that when Goose touches me on the shoulder, I wheel around on him.
His palms fly up in front of him in surrender. It doesn’t matter. I feel like a fucking crazy person. I swing and hit him right in the chest with the bottom of my fist, “I said get out!”
Shock and sadness war on his face as I hit him again, “I don’t need your fucking pity.”
I hit him again, “You didn’t even stand up to Mav when he said all of that horrible shit about me.”
My next swing lands in Maverick’s hand instead of on Goose. I jerk it free and shove him again like in the bathroom. He sees it coming this time and only rocks back a little. Half a second later, my back connects with the wall. Hard. I see spots dance across my vision right before Mav’s lips come down on mine. I yank at his dark hair and even bite his lip hard enough to draw blood, but it still isn’t enough to stop him. He kisses me until my anger fades into pure fucking want. I’m not sure where he starts, and I end, but even more, I don’t care. I know the other three are standing there, and if they haven’t worked out the shit between them, then I can’t help that either. All I know, it that I need this. I need them.
A sob rips from my throat, and I cling to Mav for dear life. He pulls me away from the wall and squeezes me tight against his body. My face is turned to the left and I open my eyes to see the others eyes wet from what they just witnessed. Goose is looking at the floor with a devastated look on his face. I reach out and grab a handful of his shirt and pull him to us. Mav never lets go as I pull Goose’s lips to mine. It’s not a kiss like what just happened between Mav and I just now, but I need it all the same. He wraps his arms around the two of us, and before I know it, Teagan and Lucas are on the other sides of me. They hold me together as I fall apart.