Chapter 21

Alice

“Thank you for your business, Alice. As soon as the paperwork is filed, we will transfer the loan to your account. I imagine it will be there quite soon. Everything here is in order. Just make sure you get that building insurance in place as soon as possible. Scan and email the policy to me when you get a copy of it so I can put it in your file,” the loan officer advised, shaking her hand. “Let me know if there is anything else we can do for you. It sounds like you have a lot of excitement in your future.”

Alice shook his hand and stood up, slipping her purse over her shoulder, and wondering if her exciting future would include Billy. After their awkward conversation on Saturday night, she had been questioning everything. Had she overestimated his fondness for her. Was she too far ahead of him?

She was usually pretty good at judging people’s feelings, but Billy had her turned all upside down. One minute he was affectionate and caring, making her feel like she was the only woman in the world, and the next minute he was ambivalent. Had she done something wrong? Jumped the gun?

When she had opened up to him that night, her intention wasn’t to pressure him, but to find out whether he had considered a future with her. It was important for her to know these things, not just for her sake, but for Amy’s too. It had been hard for her to gather enough courage to take that step, and he put up his walls.

Alice drove home with the radio playing loudly, appreciating the upbeat music. She couldn’t say that she was sad really, just confused. Billy didn’t exactly shut her down. In fact, the next day he had sought her out after he finished work for the day. He found her in the barn putting Misty and Solomon in their stall, and in spite of the fact that she was covered in dust and smelled like hard work, he kissed her passionately. He acted like the night before had never happened.

Alice chalked it up to the fact that, maybe, he just wasn’t there yet. That didn’t mean that what they had together wasn’t real. He had even come to the house, sharing Sunday dinner with the family. And it had been nice. Then they snuck away and made love afterward, their passion intense as ever.

The truth was, she regretted bringing it up. Their afternoon together at the picnic had been a lot of fun. They had been relaxed, playful and happy. She wasn’t sure how things would go, whether Billy would be comfortable with Amy or not. She wondered if he would be able to accept the fact that she was a mother. They had undeniable chemistry together, no question, but she was curious if that would translate outside of their sexual connection. Would he fit in with her family? He seemed to blend in perfectly, showing no signs of discomfort. Just the opposite. That was the only reason she found the courage to press him.

Alice pulled into the long driveway, passing by Joe who was walking up the lane way. She slowed down the truck and stopped beside him.

“Hey there, what’s up?” she asked through the open window.

Joe threw her half a smile and walked up to the truck.

“Nothin’. I just went over to the Ferguson’s farm. They are having some issues with one of the horses we sold them a few months back. Big Damien. He wanted my opinion on a lame foot. Sam dropped me off at the end of the road on his way into town,” he shared, lighting a cigarette.

“Everything ok?” she asked, hoping it wasn’t serious.

Joe nodded, taking a long pull off his smoke.

“He’s fine. Just a sub-solar abscess, as near as I can tell. They are calling the vet in to fix him up.”

“Do you want to hop in, I’ll drive you up to the barn?” she asked kindly.

Joe shook his head.

“Nah, I don’t mind the walk. You go on,” he said, banging the side of her truck.

Alice waived at him and drove on, grateful that things weren’t awkward between them. Although they had seen one another plenty of times since she turned down his proposal, and he hadn’t brought it up again, he had still been somewhat distant. She had tried to be discreet, but it was no secret that Billy was being attentive. The last thing she wanted was to hurt him. Truthfully, she didn’t know where things stood with Billy anyway.

She pulled the truck up to the barn and made her way around to her office. She looked around for Billy, wondering if he was nearby. She wanted to share the good news with him. He was right, there were no issues with the bank. She had nothing to worry about.

Later that afternoon Billy came to find her. She was working on updating the website, deep in concentration when he came strolling in. He was covered in sawdust, apparently putting his carpentry skills to work.

“Hello, Beauty, you look like you are buried in work,” he said, kissing her on the top of the head.

The fine dust from his hair rained down on her like confetti. Alice giggled and ran her fingers through his hair.

“You look like you were buried, too,” she teased.

“I just finished some trim work in Joe’s living quarters. It is coming along nicely,” he explained, pulling up a chair beside her. “What are you working on?”

“Just adding some information on the website. As soon as the arena is done, I’ll hire someone to come and take some professional shots and then I’ll include them here, and here,” she said, showing him her work.

“That’s great,” he said, passively. “How did it go at the bank this morning?”

“No problems, just like you predicted,” she said smiling. “Thank you for staying so calm and keeping me focused.”

Billy shrugged his shoulders and looked away.

“Let me just check my account and see if the loan was processed,” she said, bringing up her banking website.

“I’ll move to the other side of the desk and give you some privacy,” he said, shifting his chair.

“Don’t be silly, I trust you,” she said, placing a hand on his arm.

Billy looked away anyway, out of respect. She typed in her password and pulled up her account.

“Yup, we are good to go. Let me send you the transfer right now,” she said manipulating the mouse.

After a minute or two she looked up and him nodded.

“There it is! We are almost done! I can’t tell you how relieved I am,” she said, kissing him on the cheek.

Billy accepted her kiss but seemed indifferent. Alice wondered again if something was wrong.

“What is it?” she pressed softly, placing her hand on his.

Billy shook his head and smiled.

“Nothing. Everything is good,” he assured her.

Alice looked at him skeptically. He seemed so unsettled lately, and she wondered if it had anything to do with her, but after what happened the last time they talked, she wasn’t about to pressure him.

“Seriously. No worries,” he said, squeezing her finger tips.

He leaned in, placing his fingers under her chin and raising her lips to meet his. He kissed her ever so softly. It was one of the sweetest kisses she had ever received.

* * *

Billy threw his bag into the cab of the truck. Alice smiled at him sadly. He had not given her an exact date when he would be back, saying only that it wouldn’t be long. She was going to miss him, whether he was gone for only a week or the whole month.

“So, the crew will be back Monday?” Alice asked, hoping he would offer information about his own timeline.

“That is the plan,” Billy agreed, meeting her eyes. “Don’t look so sad, Alice,” he said, putting his arms on her shoulders.

Alice could have said the very same thing to him. He was anxious and fidgety. She couldn’t explain it, but she had a strange feeling about the whole thing. She tried to ignore it, chalking it up to her old triggers. Every time she was happy, something bad happened. She sighed deeply, and forced herself to smile.

“Billy!” Amy yelled, running across the yard, her curly pig tails bouncing up and down.

He looked at Alice and grinned.

“Don’t leave without saying goodbye to me,” she said, throwing herself around his legs.

“I wouldn’t do that,” he said, picking her up.

Amy gave him a hug, wrapping her arms tightly around him, pressing her cheek firmly against his. Billy looked genuinely touched. He tried to peel her away, but she tightened her grip. He looked at Alice with his brows raised, as if to say, ’Help me.’

Alice shrugged as if to reply, ‘No way ,Jose.’

“Thanks,” he said flatly, but his smile said otherwise.

Finally, Amy gave him a kiss on the cheek and released her grip on his neck.

“See you later, Alligator,” she said, touching his nose with her tiny index finger.

“Gotta go, Buffalo,” Billy replied, poking her in the belly.

Amy giggled and he set her back down on the ground.

“Now, what do you say you run and play so I can say a proper good bye to your mommy.”

“Ok, see you soon, you big Baboon,” Amy teased.

She ran back to the house, turning around just once to wave goodbye again.

“Take care,” he said, pulling Alice into his arms.

She searched his eyes, looking for something else. Reassurance, comfort, answers? He closed his own eyes and kissed her, which seemed to be his way of distracting her.

As far as distractions go, there were worse things, she thought, enjoying his affection. She parted her lips, inviting in his tongue. He groaned softly in her mouth, as his passion heightened, their kiss long and delicious. Alice pulled back and smiled at him, leaving him wanting more.

“There is more of that waiting for you when you come back,” she offered, grinning playfully.

Billy nodded, his eyes glazed with arousal.

“Seriously. I’m going to miss you,” she said sincerely.

“Me too,” Billy said, pulling her in for one more hug. “More than you will ever know.”

He released her reluctantly, slipping into his truck. He offered her a short wave as he drove away. Alice watched his truck until it disappeared down the driveway. She held back her tears, not wanting to give in to her uneasiness.

* * *

Several days had gone by and she still hadn’t heard from Billy. She tried casually texting him once or twice, but he hadn’t responded. She tried not to worry, assuring herself that he was busy and that he would reach out to her soon. She tried to preoccupy herself with tasks around the ranch, but everywhere she turned there were reminders of him. She was dizzy with the memories they had shared over the past several months. She didn’t anticipate missing him this much.

It was so quiet, a stark contrast to the activity and construction noises that had recently filled the ranch. It felt like a ghost town to her and she looked forward to the chaos resuming.

She had the whole weekend to occupy before that happened, but it wouldn’t be too difficult, if she could just keep herself focused.

She hoped it wouldn’t be too long before Billy returned. She was confident that when the crew returned to work Monday, they would be able to carry on without him. Even still, she would feel a whole lot better if he were there to supervise them.

Alice was in the barn finishing mucking the stalls, when Joe walked in. He came up to her, his hands in his pockets, looking like a man that had something to say. She could smell bourbon on his breath, and it struck her as odd. It wasn’t like him to drink during the day.

Alice set the broom against the wall and wiped her hands on her jeans.

“Do you have a minute to talk?” he asked her apprehensively, slurring his words.

“I was just heading over to the arena to tidy up the construction site. Do you want to join me? We can talk over there,” she suggested.

Joe nodded and gestured for her to lead the way. When they got there, Alice looked around, a huge smile on her face. She could see the possibilities in front of her and couldn’t contain her excitement.

“Doesn’t it look fantastic in here?” she asked him, trying to share her enthusiasm.

Joe shrugged and took a cigarette out of the package, placing it in his mouth. Alice frowned.

“I wish you wouldn’t smoke in here, Joe. Will you wait until we are back outside?” she asked, not wanting to offend him, but worried about safety.

There was a lot of debris and sawdust around, too many flammables littering the area.

“Sorry,” he said, placing it back in the pack.

He looked around pensively.

“Looks like there is a lot left to do. Doesn’t make sense to me that Billy and his team would leave now. Seems a little ill-timed,” he observed skeptically.

“Yes, there is a lot left to do,” Alice agreed, looking a little more critically around the space, “but Billy told me that it would be fine. He’s assured me we will hit our timelines, even with this time off. It is Labor Day weekend and they have all been pushing so hard, Joe.”

“Hmm,” he responded, looking around.

Alice chose to ignore his cynicism, afraid his negativity would rub off on her. It would be far too easy to let her worries consume her. She changed the subject.

“What did you want to talk to me about?” she asked, turning to face him.

Joe shrugged his shoulders, inhaling deeply. He looked like he would feel so much more relaxed with a cigarette in his hand.

“I thought maybe this would be a good time to talk to you about what I asked you before,” he said, hesitation in his voice.

Alice tried to read his expression, to gauge his feelings, but he kept his eyes on the floor.

“I figured with Billy gone, you might have had time to give it some thought,” he said quietly.

Alice sighed deeply, knowing that it was just a matter of time before the subject came up again. She knew she needed to be as clear as possible, and let the chips fall where they may. She didn’t want to hurt him, and worried that he would pick up and leave, but there was nothing she could do about that. She wasn’t going to marry him and could do nothing to spare his feelings.

He had asked her to think over his proposal, and she did offer him that courtesy. The truth was, even if Billy wasn’t in the picture, Joe would never be someone she would consider as a romantic partner, let alone her husband. She felt the emotion rising in her chest, her tears dangerously close to spilling.

“Joe,” she began, smiling warmly at him, “I have given this a lot of thought. I promise you I have, but I still feel the same way. I’m sorry but I can’t accept your proposal.”

He grimly shook his head, refusing to meeting her eyes.

“Please look at me,” she encouraged kindly.

He looked up at her like he had just had the rug pulled out from under him. Alice continued cautiously.

“You deserve a wife who adores you Joe. You’re a good man and I know that you will make another woman really happy. Maybe this is a good time for you to put yourself out there, try to meet someone. You’ve been sequestered here since my parents died, and I know that in some ways it might be my fault. I have relied too much on you and I’m afraid I may have kept you from enjoying your own life,” she explained as gently as she could.

Joe shook his head, the significance of her words not landing on him.

“You haven’t kept me here, Alice. I wanted to be here, to take care of you. I love you and I know you love me too. Everything was fine before he got here,” he said, shifting closer to her.

“No, Joe, I’m not in love with you,” she said, a little more firmly.

She held a hand in front of her, signaling him to respect her space.

“You’re in love with him,” he said, his voice deep with contempt.

Alice didn’t care for his tone. He made it sound so dirty. She shook her head, not in denial, but in disbelief.

“Do you think that drifter cares about you, Alice? He waltzes around here like he owns the fucking place, doing whatever the hell he wants, taking whatever he wants and you are so fucking blind. I know you have been fucking him. Don’t you have any common sense, woman? Any self respect?” he spat, his words cutting her.

Alice felt her breath catch in her throat. He had never spoken to her so harshly before, or been so cruel. Was it his anger talking? Had she hurt him so deeply? She had no idea how to respond.

“Oh, don’t look at me like that. How do you think it makes me feel, seeing you piss away your parents’ blood money so carelessly. Building this arena like it’s the fucking Taj Mahal, altering everything your daddy worked so hard to build. Letting that fucking ingrate come in here and manipulate you. Your daddy would be so disappointed in you. Why have you forgotten your place around here?” he growled, grabbing her shoulders forcefully.

Her place?

Alice pulled herself back but he refused to release his grip. Shock and betrayal rattled her to the core. She knew he was enraged, but his words were so deeply offensive. How could he confess his love for her yet speak to her so hatefully?

“You naive, little girl,” he continued. “This ranch is mine as much as it is yours. I’ve invested my blood, sweat and tears into this place and you’re dismantling it, bit by bit. I won’t stand by and let that happen,” he slurred, tears in his eyes.

She forcefully knocked his hands off her shoulders, driven by her own anger. He staggered back a few inches, but his body language was still aggressive. Alice put more distance between them, moving further away.

“This ranch is mine, and I’ll do as I please with it. You don’t love me. You want my land and you think that by marrying me, it will finally be yours,” she declared, piecing it together.

It was suddenly becoming so clear. Joe looked down and spat, evidence of his contempt, but not denying it.

“I’m disappointed that it has come to this, Joe. I’m sad that you think I’m a complete fuck up, but I think it’s best if you leave. This isn’t your home anymore,” she offered flatly, doing her best to control the emotion in her voice, although she could do nothing to stop her hands from shaking.

“Pack your things and be gone by Sunday,” she said, walking past him.

He grabbed her arm and forcefully pulled her back, his face contorted with spite.

“Take your fucking hands off me,” she hissed, throwing her shoulders back, suddenly fearful that he might harm her.

His expression slowly turned from anger to regret, as though he suddenly realized the consequences of his actions. He released her and held his hand up in front of himself, gesturing for her to relax.

“Shit, I didn’t mean half of what I said, it was my ego talking. I let my anger take over,” he said, clearly back pedaling.

Alice shook her head, considering her reply.

“My daddy used to say that angry people always reveal their deepest truths,” she replied, her confidence returning, “and, Joe, I’ll always wonder which half of what you said was true, and exactly what you did mean.”

She turned her back on him, quickly exiting the arena before her tears escaped.

* * *

“Mommy, what day is tomorrow?” Amy asked, just as her mother was tucking the blankets up under her chin.

Alice sat down on the mattress beside her.

“It’s Saturday, baby. Why do you ask?” she said quietly, brushing the hair from her child’s eyes. She needed to find the time to cut Amy’s hair soon.

“Will Billy be here Saturday?” Amy asked hopefully.

Alice offered her a sweet smile.

“No, honey, I’m sorry. How about you and I go to the pond to practice your swimming tomorrow, before it gets too chilly? It is supposed to be hot. Would you like that?” Alice asked, changing the subject.

“Will he be home on Sunday?” Amy pressed.

Alice shook her head solemnly. Amy had grown so fond of Billy. She wished she had clear answers to offer her, but he left things so vague, promising to update her as soon as he could. She still hadn’t heard from him, and she was starting to get antsy herself.

“I’m afraid not, but remember that Sunday Aunt Lisa is taking you to Jody’s house to play for the afternoon. Won’t that be fun?” she asked, hoping to give her daughter something cheerful to think about.

She had asked Lisa to take Amy off the ranch on Sunday, in case there was any drama when Joe moved out.

“And then you go back to school on Tuesday to see all your friends!”

Amy nodded, a smile spreading across her face, as though she just remembered.

“And my new teacher!”

Alice leaned over and gave her a kiss on the cheek, which Amy wiped off dramatically.

“Don’t worry, Mommy, I’m not wiping it off, I’m rubbing it in,” she teased.

“Oh, you little stinker,” Alice said, giving her another kiss, “time for sleep.”

Lisa was waiting on the porch with chilled chardonnay. Alice sat down and picked up her waiting wine glass, holding it up in front of her.

“Cheers,” she said flatly, clinking her glass with Lisa’s.

“You ok?” Lisa asked.

Alice nodded taking a large sip of wine. She set the glass down beside her.

“I’m trying to be,” she admitted.

She had already filled Lisa in about her confrontation with Joe. It was a tough pill for them to swallow, and they both were struggling with grief. It would be hard to lose him, but it was clear he could no longer stay.

“Have you heard from Billy yet?” Lisa asked, her concern also growing.

Alice shook her head slowly. She didn’t want to talk about him. They sat together in comfortable silence, both deep in contemplation. It had been a tough week. The sun was just setting, the pinkish hue across the sky promising good weather the next day. Alice wished it would also promise good tidings.

“Do you smell that?” Lisa said curiously, sitting forward in her chair.

Alice inhaled deeply, the smell of campfire teasing her senses.

“Yes, I do. That’s weird, there is a county wide burn ban right now,” Alice said, standing up. “It might be coming from the Ferguson farm. They have teenagers, maybe they are partying in the bush tonight. I’m going to grab my cell phone and give Sam a call. He might want to check on them.”

Alice went into the house to grab her phone, but a flickering light out her kitchen window caught her attention. It was away in the distance, but it looked like the flashes were coming from the construction site. She moved closer to the window, trying to process what she was seeing. Her breath caught in her throat and she let out a small cry. The arena was on fire!

She rushed out the to the front porch.

“Lisa, that fucking fire is at the arena! We need to do something!” Alice screamed, overcome with panic.

Lisa stood up quickly and took the phone from Alice. She dialed 911 and calmly talked to the dispatcher while Alice stood frozen in front of her, biting her lip nervously.

“The fire department is on the way. You call Sam Ferguson and see if he will come help. I’ll head over to the arena and see if I can at least start managing the fire. Got it?” Lisa said, her voice calm but forceful. “Do it.”

Alice immediately called her neighbor who promised to be there as fast as he could. Then she ran up to check on her daughter, who was still thankfully asleep.

When she got to the arena, it was already engulfed in flames. Lisa had the garden hose blasting, but it was about as effective as a band aid on an amputation.

Sam Ferguson arrived, pulling his truck in as close as he dared, and came running over. He grabbed the hose from Lisa and forcefully ordered them to stand back.

Alice was terrified. She held on to Lisa as they both watched, uncertain what to do. When the fire fighters arrived, the women were quickly whisked away, and permitted only to watch from a safe distance while the fire crew attempted to battle the growing inferno.

The barn and the paddock were a safe distance from the new arena, but Alice still worried about her horses. They would be terrified, their senses heightened by the panic, the smell of smoke, and the commotion.

She looked around wondering where the hell Joe was. Had he gone somewhere tonight? As angry as he was, he would surely have been in the thick of things, helping however he could.

He had been drinking heavily that day. Maybe he was in bed, passed out. She called one of the volunteer fire fighters over and asked if she could go to check on him but they refused her, promising that someone would search his quarters.

Lisa finally left her side to go take care of Amy, ensuring sure she was okay. She promised to stay at the house with her. There was nothing either of them could do. Alice stayed behind, helpless to do anything, but too anxious to leave.

She paced nervously back and forth, adrenalin coursing through her body. Finally, overcome by sheer panic and fear, Alice crumbled to her knees, watching in horror as her hopes and dreams burned to the ground, too traumatized to even weep.

Several hours later, when the arena was nothing more than a pile of ash and charred splinters, the fire chief found Alice. She was sitting on the tailgate of her truck, a warm blanket wrapped around her. Sam Ferguson was beside her, his face blackened with soot. Alice looked up at him, her face pinched with concern.

“Alice White?” he asked stopping in front of her.

She nodded weakly, confirming her identity. Sam placed a reassuring hand on her back.

“I’m sorry we couldn’t do more to save the building. I know this must be painful,” he offered kindly.

Alice nodded, and looked away, afraid his compassion would make her cry.

“We checked the animals and they are all fine, but there was no one in the quarters you asked us to search,” he continued cautiously.

Alice let out a sigh of relief, not just because the animals were unhurt, but because Joe was not on the ranch, safe somewhere else. Her relief was short lived.

“Unfortunately, one of my crew found a deceased person in the building. The victim is male. Our concern is that it is probably the person unaccounted for. Will you be able to help us identify him?” the chief asked somberly.

Alice looked up at him, her expression blank.

It was Joe. She knew it. She hopped off the back of the truck, willing to follow him but her knees buckled beneath her. Her stomach flipped violently as its contents spilled onto the ground at her feet. Sam helped her up and forced her to sit back down.

“Did he suffer?” she whispered, her heart filled with immeasurable sadness, as if all the grief she had ever experienced suddenly permeated every inch of her body.

The fire chief shook his head slowly.

“No. He would have succumbed to smoke inhalation.”

“I’ll identify the body,” Sam offered, his tone subdued and respectful.

Alice nodded weakly, grateful for the offer. She couldn’t see Joe that way.