“Mom?” I called as I stepped into her apartment with the spare key she had given me a few weeks ago. “Mom, are you there?”

There was no answer so I walked inside. The kitchen and living room were empty, but I could hear music coming from mom’s room.

“Oh no,” I sighed, recognizing Alanis Morrissette was the music that was playing. It was mom’s go-to break up choice.

I went to her door and knocked hard. I heard the volume decrease and then mom’s muffled, “Come in.”

I walked in and found mom lying in bed clutching a pillow to her chest. She was wearing old sweats and a baggy t-shirt… her go-to breakup clothes. I couldn’t say that I was surprised; none of mom’s relationships ever lasted very long. It was a good thing that I hadn’t told Seth about Cliff… especially because there was nothing to tell now.”

“Hi,” I said, trying to put aside my judgment and just be there for her.

She sniffed back in response. I sat down on the edge of her bed and put my hand on her back. “Are you ok?” I asked.

“No,” mom said, wiping away a stray tear and sitting up. “I can’t believe this… I thought he was the one.”

“You thought he was the one?” I repeated, with my eyebrows raised.

“Yes,” mom said, looking at me pointedly. “Didn’t you think he was different from all the rest?”

“I don’t really know,” I said, trying to contain my impatience. “I don’t think I can remember all of them.”

Mom narrowed her eyes at me, and I knew she was trying to figure out if I was making a jab at her. “Mom,” I said, taking her hand. “You knew him for such a short time… and he had practically moved in with you. Don’t you think that was a little fast?”

“We had a great connection.”

“You’ve said that about how many guys, mom?” I asked, trying to make my tone as gentle as possible. “If you feel this intense connection with that many guys then maybe… your radar is broken.”

I could feel mom stiffen and I knew this was not what she wanted to hear. She wanted me to be heartbroken for her but I just couldn’t muster up the right sentiment. I had seen this too many times for me to feel anything but indifference and maybe a little frustration. Ok… maybe it was a lot of frustration.

Mom and I had always had a weird dynamic. We could be best friends one moment and butting heads the next. Every time I felt like I could be honest with her, she would take it personally and then we’d end up in an argument that had nothing to do with anything we were actually talking about. I had to admit; sometimes I did the same thing with her.

“I don’t expect you to understand,” mom said, with a small sniff. “I mean… you haven’t ever had a real boyfriend.”

It was a low blow, and I pulled my hand away from her. “I’ve had boyfriends before,” I said.

“High school doesn’t count.”

“Why shouldn’t it?” I demanded.

“That’s not the real world,” mom replied. “Everyone is just playing at being adults.”

“You got pregnant when you were in high school,” I reminded her.

“Exactly my point,” mom said. “You pretend to be an adult, and then you’re stuck with the real-life consequences.”

I gritted my teeth. “Is that how you feel about Seth and me?” I asked. “That you got stuck with us.”

“Don’t do that,” mom said. “That was not what I meant.”

“You just said—”

“I know what I said,” she retorted. “That’s not what I meant. I love you and your brother, but that doesn’t remove the fact that I lost my life to the both of you. I lost my twenties and my thirties and now I’m trying to make up for lost time and you and your brother judge me for it.”

“I… that’s… we don’t judge you,” I said.

“Of course you do,” mom replied. “You both do. You resent the fact that I’m devoted to both of you like I was when you were children. But you can’t expect that of me now. You and Seth have your own lives, and I want my own too.”

“Come on, mom,” I said tiredly. “We don’t resent that you want your own life. We just… we’re concerned that when it comes to picking men, you pick all the wrong ones. They’re just looking to take advantage of you.”

“And what would you know about men, Zoey?” mom demanded.

I bristled. “You know what? You’re right mom,” I said, standing up. “I don’t have a whole lot of experience with men. And you want to know why that is? It’s because of you.”

“Me?” mom asked, looking at me with wide eyes.

“Yes,” I said. “I grew up with the knowledge that you had two children by two different men and both men had left and disappointed you. I didn’t have a lot of faith in relationships to begin with. And then Seth moved out, I entered my teens, and suddenly you decided to try and recapture your youth by bringing home a different man every month. They were all losers, mom; I never understood how you couldn’t see that.

“Because I was only a teenager and I saw it. They were not actually interested in you. They had agendas, and I always knew it would be a matter of time before they left you. I knew you would never leave them because you hated the idea of being alone. You were willing to put up with a whole lot just to claim that you weren’t single. And I just didn’t want to be that person. I wanted to demand more for myself. I didn’t want to be just another name on some asshole’s list.”

“Like me?” mom asked.

“Yes,” I nodded. “Like you.”

“Well,” mom said tiredly, and I instantly felt bad about everything I had said. “I guess I’ve been a rotten parent, huh? I set a bad example for you your whole life, and that is the reason you’re so closed off… so rigid.”

I clenched my jaw defensively, forgetting my initial regret at saying everything I had just said. “You know what? I’m just going to grab my things and leave. I have a new apartment now.”

“Well, I hope you’re happy there,” mom replied, in a tone that suggested she wanted me to leave too.

I walked out of her room, grabbed my stuff, and headed out. I had put all my remaining things into a sling bag so I didn’t have a heavy load to carry back to Devlin’s apartment. I shook my head and corrected myself… it was my apartment now too. I had to remember that, it would just take a while to get used to. I was walking back, feeling completely drained and gloomy when I felt my phone ring. It was Seth calling.

“Hey, kid,” he said. “I just wanted to check in and see how you were doing… today’s moving day right?”

“Yeah,” I nodded. “Sorry I missed you this morning… Cory said you had an early shift.”

“Unfortunately yeah,” he nodded. “Is everything alright… you sound a little… down?”

I sighed. “Mom and I got into it again.”

“Oh no,” Seth said. “What happened?”

“What always happens,” I sighed. “She had another breakup and I—”

“What?” Seth asked, interrupting me. “She was seeing someone?”

“Fuck,” I said. “Mom said she was going to tell you, but I guess the relationship ended before she could.”

“But you knew?”

“Only because I ran into the guy at her apartment,” I said.

“How was he?” Seth asked.

“Does it even matter now?”

“Good point,” Seth said. “So the fight was about… the breakup?”

“Pretty much. I told her that she picked all the wrong guys and that she was so scared to be alone that she settled for losers and then stayed when they treated her like shit. She took a few shots at me, and I took a few shots at her,” I said. “Same old, same old… I just wish we could communicate better.”

“Don’t let this get you down,” Seth said. “Mom will get over it. She needs to be told the truth… whether she likes it or not.”

“You agreeing with me is not going to help,” I said. “She already thinks we gang up on her.”

Seth chuckled lightly. “Maybe we have good reason too,” he said. “Forget about that for now. How’s the new apartment? Does your new roommate seem normal or do I need to come over and have a talk with him?”

“You are mortifying,” I said, a little guilty about the fact that I was keeping my roommate’s true identity from Seth. I just knew he would get involved when he didn’t have to and it might cause more problems for me in the long run. “There’s no need for any of that. The guy is really nice… very normal.”

“They all seem that way in the beginning,” Seth said ominously.

“Hey, don’t say that!” I said. “You’ll jinx my nice, normal roommate.”

“Ok, ok, sorry,” Seth said, laughing at my panic. “I really hope that works out.”

“Do you?” I asked suspiciously.

“Well… it’s what you want and if it makes you happy then that’s all I care about.”

“Thanks big bro,” I said, feeling a burst of affection for Seth. He had always been there for me… sometimes even more than mom. He was my big brother and my surrogate father and I was so grateful he was in my life.

We chatted a little while longer while I made my way to the apartment. I was climbing up the stairs and I realized that the music that I was hearing was getting louder and louder. Was it possible someone was having a party on my floor? I paused as I reached the landing. I had a sinking feeling in my gut as I walked down the hall. Shit… the party was in my apartment. This was exactly the kind of thing I had wanted to avoid.

The apartment was teeming with people. Everyone was drinking, and a few people were even dancing. The coffee table had been set aside to create a small dance space. I walked in, and someone tried to offer me a beer. I politely declined and tried to find Devlin. Then I heard someone call my name and I turned to find Devlin walking up to me.

“Hey,” he said. “Surprise.”

I frowned. “What?”

“I thought it would be nice to give you a proper welcome,” he said.

I looked around in disbelief. “This party is for me?”

“Yup,” Devlin nodded. “Surprised?”

I gaped at him, wondering how I was even supposed to react. He thought it would be a good idea to throw me a raucous party with a bunch of people I’d never met before? He knew nothing about me; what made him think I would like this kind of thing? Still, I was willing to acknowledge that however misguided it was a nice gesture. And I really didn’t want to start this relationship off with an argument, so I just smiled and nodded.

“Very surprised,” I said.

“Come on,” Devlin said. “Let me introduce you to some people.”

I spent the next hour following Devlin around as he introduced me to his friends. Most of them were in the art community like Devlin was, and I might have had a few nice conversations with some of them if it weren’t for the fact that everyone seemed more interested in getting drunk and dancing. The moment Devlin disappeared for a second, I raced into my room and locked the door.

I was desperate for some peace and quiet, but I knew that that wasn’t happening tonight. I would just have to try and shut out the sound and try and get some rest. As I lay on my mattress, I tried to keep my attitude positive, but I felt the strain of disappointment weighing me down.

I had thought that Devlin and I were more alike than different. I had assumed I wouldn’t have to deal with parties and alcohol and pot and all the other shit that came with it. But apparently, I had been wrong. What had seemed perfect from the outside had turned out to be anything but and I wondered if my attraction to Devlin had blinded me from that truth.

I sighed in frustration, realizing that my roommate curse was still in full effect. Maybe it was a bad idea to have made a decision so soon. I was forced to face the fact that maybe moving in here with Devlin had been the wrong decision.