I was a lucky son-of-a-bitch, and I knew it. I walked to the station that morning feeling a very strong sense of déjà vu. Somehow, despite the fact that I was a repeat offender, I had been handed down another extremely lenient verdict. It was community service again, this time nine months instead of six, but I knew I deserved much more.

I had been assigned to Judge Forrester again, and I still remembered the way he had looked at me as he breezed into the courtroom and sat down.

“Mr. Danvers,” he had said, with an icy edge to his voice. “Back again.”

I suppressed a sigh. “Yes, Your Honor.”

“Apparently six months’ worth of community service didn’t do the trick did it?”

“I’m sorry, Your Honor… I… I…”

“Yes?”

“I’ve disappointed everyone around me, and I know that,” I said. “I’ve disappointed myself too.”

My parents were not in the courtroom today, and that made it a little easier for me to speak. Still, I liked Judge Forrester, and I knew he had done me a kindness with his last verdict, which was why I was ashamed to be standing in front of him now.

“Tell me… why shouldn’t I put you in jail this time?” Judge Forrester asked.

I gulped. “You have no reason not to,” I said, stammering over my words. “But… I don’t intend ever to deal drugs again, Your Honor. I know that sounds like a line and I know you have no reason to believe me… but it’s true.”

“Is it?”

“The night I got caught… that was going to be my last job,” I said. “I was going to stop after that.”

“Why?”

“Why?” I repeated.

“Yes, you were obviously pushing drugs because it was making you money,” Judge Forrester reasoned. “So why quit something that was a sure thing?”

“Because… I met someone,” I blurted out.

I had had no intention of talking about Zoey… but since she was the first and last thing on my mind always her name just burst from my lips instinctively.

“Go on,” Judge Forrester nodded to me.

“I met a girl, Your Honor,” I said. “And she… I wanted to be able to be better and do better… for her sake if not mine.”

“Then that was your first mistake,” Judge Forrester said firmly. “You should have wanted to be better for you… and you first. If you can’t value your own life then how is anyone else expected to?”

I opened my mouth, but no words came out. What could I possibly say to that? But I was starting to see that perhaps he was right. Sometimes change needed to happen for no one else but yourself… and then everything else became easier.

“Your honor. May I say something?” I asked.

“You may.”

“I understand now the mistakes I’ve made. I… felt as though my work was worth sacrificing everything for. But I wasn’t really doing it for my art… I was doing it to prove to my parents that were wrong not to believe in my dream. I felt that if I put my career on hold, it would only show them that they were right. I needed to make a living, and I had no money. It was either find a real job and stop painting or sell pot and keep painting. The choice seemed simple to me. But now I understand that I need to do what’s right for me… instead of trying to prove things to other people… even if they happen to be my parents.”

“I will say this,” Judge Forrester told me. “The police officer who arrested you was working undercover for some time, and it seems in her report she mentioned that this was to be your last deal as well.”

“I told Larry several times,” I said. “I just wanted to get rid of the last package… I told him he would need to find another dealer.”

“And considering you had no reason to lie to him… I suppose I do believe that that would have been your last time.”

“Thank you, Your Honor.”

“But you are a repeat offender, and a harsher punishment is the only option you’ve left me with.”

I hung my head down and waited.

“However…”

I looked up in surprise. Was it possible that he was going to help me out this time too? “I received a report from your supervisor at the station, Seth Larkson and he has stated that you did a very good job while you were there. The station is understaffed, and your presence would make a difference to them.”

And somehow, miraculously, I had managed to avoid jail time… again. I knew that the guys at the station weren’t exactly going to be thrilled to see me but I wasn’t going to give them attitude this time. Nor was I expecting Seth to have my back this time. I was on my own, and I was going to take it like a man. This was the grave I had dug for myself.

I entered the station, but even though there were a few guys walking about, it was practically empty. I noticed two fire engines were gone which meant most of the guys would be out on an emergency call. I looked around, wondering if Seth was on duty, but I finally managed to find him in the lounge area. He was near the kitchen drinking water when he turned and saw me.

I put down the glass and stared at me through narrowed eyes. It had been a while since I’d spoken to him… almost a month now. But I hadn’t felt it as badly as I had felt Zoey’s absence. The last time I had spoken to her had been three weeks ago when she had texted to let me know when she was stopping by the apartment to collect the rest of her things.

I knew I couldn’t really count that as a conversation anyway considering we had exchanged a few short texts and that was all. I had kept my word and stayed clear of the apartment when she had come, but I had found a quiet spot not far from the building so that I could at least catch a glimpse of her. She had arrived with Seth, and the two of them spent half an hour in the apartment before they drove away, leaving me feeling lonely and depressed.

“Hi,” I said awkwardly.

Seth stared at me without blinking. “I can’t believe you’re back here.”

“That makes two of us.”

“You should be in jail,” he said coldly.

“I agree.”

Seth shook his head at me. “I should kick your ass for what you’ve put my sister through.”

“I wouldn’t blame you if you did,” I said. “I would deserve it.”

My attitude seemed to catch him off guard because he took a deep breath and that seemed to release some of his anger.

“You really screwed up, you know.”

“I know,” I nodded. “And you can’t possibly know how sorry I am. The last thing I ever intended was to hurt Zoey. But in trying not to hurt her… I ended up doing just that.”

Seth was watching me carefully, and I could tell he was searching my face for sincerity. I walked closer to him and let him see my eyes.

“I love her, Seth,” I said bluntly. “I don’t think I’ll ever not love her. It’s killing me to keep my distance but if that’s what she wants and needs, then that is exactly what I’ll do. And I’ll do my best here too. I’ll keep my head down, I’ll work hard, and I’ll stay away from Zoey… I swear.”

Seth nodded slowly. “Thank you for staying away when we came to collect her things,” he said.

“Of course, Zoey asked me to.”

“She was… very upset that day,” Seth continued.

“I was too.”

“I think that apartment was the first place she identified as her home… she really loves it.”

I looked down, trying to swallow back my emotion. “She can have it,” I said.

“What?”

“I’ll be moving out of the apartment at the end of this month,” I admitted. “It’s going to be rented again and if Zoey wants… she can have first dibs if she talks to the landlord soon.”

“How come?”

“How come?”

“How come you’re leaving it?” Seth asked.

“Oh… well, I can’t afford it anymore,” I admitted.

I had lost the job that Seth had got for me… my boss had found out about my arrest, and I had been let go with a polite letter about company rules and restrictions. I had spent the last few days combing the Internet for jobs in the vicinity, but so far, I hadn’t had much luck.

I had only one ray of hope left, and that came in the shape of Gordon Chadwick. He had finally set a date for the exhibition, and he had seemed positively thrilled to learn that I had been arresting for pushing drugs. He somehow thought that bit of information made me more… controversial, interesting… perhaps even dynamic. They were his words, not mine.

“You lost your job,” Seth nodded.

“Yes,” I said.

“What are you going to do now… about money?” Seth asked.

I wondered why he even cared, but then I remembered that he was a decent guy… it was a family trait it seemed.

“I’m going to keep looking for one,” I said. “In the meantime… my paintings are going to be exhibited soon in White Lines Gallery, and I’m hoping to sell a few there. If I do… then it should hold me over for a few months until I find a job.”

“And if you don’t sell any paintings?” Seth asked.

“Well then… I’m screwed,” I said. “I’ll have to go groveling back to my parents and admit to them that I was wrong and they were right. It might mean putting painting behind me once and for all… but if that’s what I gotta do to stay out of jail, then that’s what I have to do.”

Seth nodded. “Well… I’m glad to see you’re trying at least.”

“I am trying,” I said. “I’m going to do better this time. I’m going to be honest… no matter what.”

Seth looked at me shrewdly. “You’re not trying to win back my sister, are you?”

I looked down. “I don’t want to hurt her anymore. And I don’t want to disappoint her anymore. I’m an unemployed, soon-to-be-homeless, former drug dealer with nine months of community service to complete and no immediate prospects… I have nothing to offer her. She deserves better… she deserves someone far better than me. So no… I’m not trying to win her back. I’m just trying to do the right thing here.”

Seth nodded, and he looked a little impressed. I tried not to think too much of that. He was probably not going to tell Zoey any of this anyway… nor should I have wanted him to. I meant it when I said that she deserved better than me.

“Anyway… I better get back to work,” I said to Seth.

“I’ll sign you in,” he nodded.

“Thanks,” I said. “And uh… Seth?”

“Yeah.”

“How is she?” I asked, unable to keep from asking the question.

He paused for a moment. “Her graduation ceremony was this past weekend,” he said.

“I know.”

“It went well.”

“I’m glad.”

“This is obviously a difficult period for her but… she’s doing better every day,” Seth replied.

I was glad. I wanted Zoey to be doing well… but it did come with a pang of sadness. Because I knew that the better she did, the farther away she was moving from me.