It was amazing how strange my apartment felt now that Zoey was gone. I mean, really, she was only there for two weeks. Could two weeks have changed me so completely? It didn’t seem possible and yet here I was, pining over a woman I had known for a very short time as though I’d known her my whole life.

I had to be honest. It felt like I’d known Zoey my whole life. She was the unattainable girl that I had mooned over my whole life, and I had come this close to making my daydreams a reality when suddenly she’d moved away and put an end to any hopes I might have had. I knew I was being ridiculous. There was so much about our lives that didn’t work together. I knew I was seeing everything through a distorted lens. Was it possible that my feelings for Zoey were stronger than I had thought? This couldn’t just be simple infatuation. This was not a crush. I was reluctant to use the word ‘love’ however. It couldn’t possibly be love.

But that kiss though… I mean it was transformative, and I didn’t think I was being dramatic when I said that. I had felt that kiss in every fiber of my being, and now I was forced to try and forget it because forgetting it was the only way I could move on… or try to at least. Not that I was doing a very good job.

I thought about the room Zoey had left two days ago. Her stuff was still there because she hadn’t officially moved out yet. She had told me that she was willing to give me time to find another roommate because she knew I needed the rent money. It was nice of her, but ultimately it put us in this weird limbo. She was here, but she was not here.

Several times during the day I had wanted to call her up and ask to talk about this. But it just felt strange to do that. It felt like something a boyfriend would do, and we were certainly not that.

I lay in bed after a night of dreams that all centered on Zoey in one-way or the other. So it was no surprise that I’d woken up with a huge hard-on. I could see my erection popping up under the sheets, and no matter what I tried to think of it wouldn’t go away. I knew I needed a cold shower, but I also needed a little stress reliever. I closed my eyes for a moment and thought about Zoey.

I pictured her face, that soft feminine curve of her neck, the thin brows, the gorgeous green eyes and the rounded seductive curve of her lips. I slipped my hand down my boxers and ran my hand down my erection. I felt a small sense of relief as I kept massaging my cock, fueled by the images of Zoey in my head. I started undressing her with my mind. She was usually in jeans and either a comfortable t-shirt or a sensible blouse of some kind. She never overdid it. She never overdressed. She was not trying to impress anyone. She wore what she liked because she felt comfortable in it. Maybe that was the reason she was so confident. At least, I thought she was.

I imagined peeling away her jeans as she lay on this very bed looking up at me. I imagined pulled off her blouse to reveal a black lace bra underneath. I imagined what it would be like to rip away her bra and panties and to have her lying naked in front of me. I increased the tempo with which I was massaging my cock, and I knew that if I kept up this pace, I would cum in the next few minutes.

I tried my best to imagine what Zoey looked like naked but the truth was that it was a pale imitation. I couldn’t quite get the feel of her. Nevertheless, I powered through with my little daydream and imagined what it would be like to push myself inside her. She would be warm and wet, and her body would writhe underneath mine. I imagined her fingernails digging into my back, I imagined her hands in my hair, and I imagined her craning her neck back as she gasped my name with fevered pleasure.

I came moments later, and the release was welcome. I felt good for all of two minutes before I opened my eyes and realized that I was alone and Zoey was farther from my reach than ever.

My plan of getting close to her slowly so that I could come clean to her about my past and then woo her into giving me a chance and turned to dust. I knew how busy she was. I had seen her schedule over the last two weeks. She was devoted to her music, committed to her workload at school, and she worked hard at the ice cream parlor five days a week. After she moved out, I was scared I would never see her again.

We did have a connection though, and I had decided yesterday that I was going to exploit it. Which was why when Seth suggested that we have lunch sometime I had told him I would be free today. I knew it was a cheap shot on my part, but I thought that if Seth and I became close, that would give me an in with Zoey. The fact that I genuinely liked Seth made me feel better about the whole thing. It wasn’t like I was completely using him. It was just an added bonus that he was Zoey’s brother.

I knew it would be a little trickier though because of the fact that he didn’t know that Zoey was my roommate and a part of me felt bad for keeping it from him, but Zoey had asked me to, and I wasn’t about to let her down on that front. Apparently, I’d let her down every other way though. I could barely believe how ignorant I had been about how the constant parties were affecting her. I had just assumed that if she were anything like me she would need a party to relieve the stress of her workload.

Obviously, I had been wrong, and I had assumed too much. I wiped myself off with a couple of tissues from my bedside, and then I hopped into the shower for a quick wash before heading to the station. The plan was to have lunch with Seth first because he went off duty around mid-day after pulling an all-nighter. I found him in the lounge with a few of the older firemen, Bucky, Rollins, and Samson. They were nicer to me than the other guys, but I saw them rarely.

“Hi, Devlin,” Seth greeted me. “So… you wanna have lunch here?”

I gazed around at the space that was reserved for the firefighters. It was a very cool set up. There were comfortable chairs, a television with cushy lounge chairs and a kitchen towards the back with snacks, sandwiches and more. But I felt like I was intruding and I knew I would be considered an outsider if the younger crew walked in and saw me sitting in their space, eating lunch with Seth like I thought I belonged there.

“Uh… it might get crowded when the others get here,” I said, trying to be diplomatic.

Seth smiled, and I knew he understood. “There’s a small sandwich shop a few minutes away from here,” Seth said. “We can go there. My treat.”

“You don’t have to do that,” I said immediately.

“It’s typical Seth,” Bucky piped in. “He’s the resident good guy around here.”

“He’s everyone’s guardian angel,” Samson nodded.

Seth smiled politely at them and then flipped them the bird. “Come on, Devlin,” he said, as we walked out of the lunge with their laughter following us outside.

The sandwich shop that Seth had mentioned turned out to be a tiny little eatery close to the station. We ended up sitting outside after placing our orders over the counter. True to his word, Seth insisted on paying for my chicken melt.

“So, Devlin,” Seth said. “How’s it going?”

I shrugged. “You know…”

“I don’t know,” Seth replied. “That’s why I’m asking.”

I thought about everything going on in my life right now, and I let out an involuntary sigh. Seth watched me carefully, and he gave me a reassuring smile.

“I know it’s hard,” he said. “Your life’s done a one-eighty. It’s an adjustment period.”

Obviously, he was talking about my sentence and the community service, but all I could think of was Zoey. “It’s just hard staying afloat,” I admitted. “I’m trying to find a good job, but no one’s willing to hire me. I’m forced to tell them about the community service because my work hours need to be flexible in order to accommodate it… it’s sort of a catch twenty-two.”

“Hey, I understand,” Seth nodded. “I have a hard time too sometimes. My family… we didn’t grow up with much money, and we had to work hard for everything we ever got. This can’t be easy for you. But think of the end game. There’s someone out there who will hire you, and once you get your foot in the door, things will get easier. Selling pot was only ever a short-term option.”

I felt a spasm of guilt as I sat there across from Seth. He was trying to look out for me and give me good advice, and I was just sitting there nodding along when in truth I hadn’t stuck it out at all. I had caved the moment I panicked and gone back to dealing. I tried to justify my actions. I had rent to keep, and I had to work on my art. That was the whole reason I did anything. I wished I had the guts to come clean with Seth… but I knew he would be obligated to report me.

“Thank you, Seth,” I said. “For all your help and for not… tearing into me like the other guys do.”

“The other guys are not all bad,” Seth said, defending them immediately. “They’re all good guys, they really are. It’s just that they don’t have much of a tolerance for certain types of behavior.”

“They’re nice to you,” I pointed out. “Despite the fact that you used to do drugs.”

“You think they were always nice to me?” Seth asked, with a smirk. “Please… they ragged on me too when they found out. It was just that the circumstances were a little different.”

“How so?”

“I’d already established friendships with all of them before they found out,” Seth explained. “And we work side by side on a daily basis. There’s a brotherhood that forms when you do the kind of work we do together. You’re this outsider who came to the station because he was forced to. And let’s face it, Devlin… you have an attitude about it.”

I frowned. “What do you mean?”

“You act like you don’t belong there.”

“I don’t,” I said vehemently.

“I mean that you act as though you feel you don’t deserve community service in the first place. You act as though you were treated unfairly. You act as though you are the victim in all this.”

“I…”

I trailed off as I tried to see things from Seth’s perspective. Is that how they saw me then? Is that why they disliked me so much?

“It’s not that,” I said, trying to explain myself. “I just… my work… my art means a lot to me. That’s the whole reason I started selling pot. It was so that I could support my work. My parents cut me off the moment I decided to go to arts school.”

“Fuck really?” Seth asked.

“Yeah,” I nodded. “I guess I do feel sorry for myself every now and again… but I know that I deserve what I got. In fact, I know how lucky I am that six months of community service is all I got. I just… sometimes it’s hard to always feel lucky when you can barely make rent, and your dream of being an artist is slowly dying in front of your eyes.”

Seth smiled. “Are all artists so dramatic?”

I laughed. “Fuck… I think so.”

Seth laughed with me. “Listen, man; I’m not denying things will be hard for a while… but acting like you’re above your punishment is never a very good way to show that you’ve learned from your mistakes.”

I thought about the pot in my cupboard, and my guilt doubled tenfold. I knew I shouldn’t have gone there, but I had been desperate.

“Listen, I’ll look around for you and see if I can hook you up with a good job, ok?”

“Seriously?” I asked. “You would do that?”

“Of course,” Seth nodded. “If you’re willing to try, then I’m willing to help.”

“I’d really appreciate that,” I said fervently.

If I could get a decent job, then I could stop dealing once and for all. This would be just a minor bump in the road, and I wouldn’t have to feel too guilty about it. At least… I hoped that would be the case. I tried to look on the brighter side of things. Zoey and I were friends now… it wasn’t like her decision to move out would mean the end of our relationship.

I thought about the kiss we had shared, and I reminded myself that this wasn’t about short-term goals. This was about the end game.