Something was different. Even the party I’d had a few days ago had felt strange somehow. Maybe the vibe of the party had been off, but nothing was different. Maybe I was the one who had changed. When David had called and asked if they could come over to hang out for a bit, I had said ok only because I wanted to see if that would be different too.

It was only a few friends hanging out… the normal casual evening of sitting around, drinking, talking about different topics and maybe smoking a little pot. I still had a stash of pot on me but I had made sure to let my friends know that I was all out. I was pretty sure that Zoey wouldn’t be ok with it and I didn’t want to scare her away again. I had let her know that my friends were coming over and she had seemed fine with it.

Again, it was the same thing all over again. The night took on the same routine as a hundred other nights, but everything that I used to enjoy seemed to fall flat somehow. It was like I was looking for something else and I had to admit to myself that something inside me had changed and maybe I had to face the fact that it had to do with Zoey.

She was polite and sweet when she arrived, but I could see she was tired and unwilling to join us like I had hoped. The moment she excused herself and headed to her room I felt the need to follow her. Suddenly my friends became impositions, and I just wanted to get rid of them.

“So guys,” I said. “It’s getting late…”

Chelsea frowned at me. “What the fuck are you talking about?” she demanded. “It’s barely ten o’clock.”

“You sure you don’t have any pot?” David asked.

“Sold the last of it,” I lied.

“Geez… you know, Devlin, we brought the snacks and the beer. The least you could do is treat us to a little pot.”

“Keep your voice down,” I said, glancing towards Zoey’s door.

“She still doesn’t know you’re dealing?” Trevor asked.

“Please,” Chelsea laughed. “She still thinks he’s a fireman.”

The boys burst out laughing, and I shot them an annoyed glare. “I met her at community service, and I didn’t correct her assumption ok.”

“Hey, I’d have done the same thing,” David nodded. “She’s fucking hot. I’d want to impress her too.”

“Please,” Trevor said, shaking his head. “He’s going to get caught.”

“Of course he is,” Jay nodded. “That’s going to be fun to watch unfold.”

“I don’t know why I’m friends with any of you,” I said, with irritation. “Just go back to drinking your beer.”

Thankfully they did, and the conversation turned back to street art and interactive display that Jay and Trevor were trying to get off the ground. I tried to pay attention, but all I wanted to do was to get rid of these guys so that I could spend some time with Zoey. But from past experience, I knew that they probably wouldn’t clear out until past midnight.

I went to the kitchen to get myself another beer, and I realized that I could just leave them in the living room and slip into Zoey’s room for a bit. The thought caught hold, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to concentrate on anything if I didn’t act on it. So I grabbed another beer for Zoey and headed to her room, unconcerned whether the rest of them saw me go or not.

Zoey looked surprised to see me, but she held the door open and let me in. I thought that was a good sign. She closed the door too, and I felt a rush of relief to know that it was just the two of us now. There was something that seemed a little different about Zoey today too. Her eyes were bright and searching, and I felt as though she were grappling with something too.

“What are you thinking right now?” she asked me suddenly.

I paused for a moment, wondering if I should answer honestly or just give her a generic and safe answer. I decided to be brave tonight, and I was pretty sure the beer had something to do with that.

“I was just thinking how beautiful you are,” I said.

Her eyes seemed to glow a little brighter. “Yeah?” she asked.

“Yeah,” I nodded.

“Prove it.”

I looked at her in surprise. “What?”

“Prove it,” she repeated again. “Kiss me.”

I felt my head spin for a moment and I wondered if I was actually living this or if I was dreaming. It did feel suspiciously like something I would imagine. Before I could say a word, Zoey took a step towards me and pressed her body against mine. I was very aware that we both had beers in hand, but Zoey didn’t seem to notice… or care.

“Kiss me,” she said again.

This time, I didn’t hesitate. I leaned in and kissed her gently, but she seemed to want more. She tilted her head to the side, and the kiss went from sweet and tender to hot and passionate within seconds. I felt my cock respond immediately and when her tongue met mine, I was completely hard. I pulled back for a moment and set aside my beer. I took the one in Zoey’s hands too. Then I turned back to her pushed her up against her bedroom door and went in for another kiss.

My hands started running up and down her body, and I felt her sigh, but a moment later I felt a little push back, and she gently disentangled herself from my arms and walked towards her bed. I thought she was trying to move things there, but then she cleared her throat and gave me a shy smile.

“I have something I need to tell you,” she said.

I tensed immediately, wondering what was in store for me. “Ok… should I be worried?” I asked.

Zoey raised her eyebrows as though she didn’t know how to answer that question. “Um… I don’t know,” she said, which didn’t exactly make me feel better about the whole thing. “Why don’t I just tell you?”

“Please,” I nodded, as I walked over to her bed and sat down beside her.

“I’m a virgin,” she said abruptly.

I stared at her for a moment. “What?”

“I’m a virgin,” she said again slowly.

“I… really?”

“Yes,” Zoey nodded.

“Wow… I did not expect that,” I said honestly.

“Does that freak you out a little?” Zoey asked, trying to decipher my reaction.

“No,” I said immediately. “I mean I can’t pretend I’m not surprised. But I’m not freaked out. I guess I was just expecting something… bigger.”

Zoey smiled. “That’s my big secret.”

I felt a little spasm of guilt when she said that. If that was her big secret then what would she think of all the things I was keeping from her? I knew I needed to come clean about all my secrets too. This would have been the perfect opportunity too, but I didn’t know how she would react. What if she stormed off? What if she moved out again? After that kiss we had just shared, I knew I couldn’t let her go. This girl was something special, and I needed to keep her in my life. I had never felt this way about anybody before… she was more than just my roommate and my friend. She was my muse.

So instead of being a man, stepping up and telling her the truth about me, I took the coward’s way out and tried to tell myself that this was not the right time.

“Well, your secret’s safe with me.”

“I just thought you should know… considering…”

“Considering I was moving a little fast for you?” I asked.

Zoey smiled. “I know I said we should keep things platonic but…”

“Yes?” I asked, hanging on her every word.

“I don’t know… I feel something when I’m with you,” she admitted, and I could have jumped for joy. So this wasn’t a one-sided thing. “I can’t quite describe it, it just feels—”

“Complete when we’re together?” I asked.

“Yes,” Zoey nodded.

“You know, before I met you I thought I was doing ok, the parties and the nightlife… that’s what kept me going. It was the only thing I had to make me forget all the shit I was dealing with. But since you came into my life… that doesn’t seem to cut it anymore.”

“Is that why you’re here with me instead of out there with your friends?” Zoey asked.

“I tried to get rid of them but they refused to go,” I sighed.

“It’s ok,” Zoey said. “You can hide here with me.”

I leaned in and kissed her gently on the lips again. It was just a little kiss to seal this new understanding between us.

“You don’t mind?” Zoey asked. “Taking things slow?”

“I don’t mind,” I replied. “I would wait as long as you wanted me to. I’d suffer through blue balls and everything.”

Zoey laughed, and I took her hand. “This can work,” I said softly.

“I’m scared,” Zoey said. “We live together… it’s not the smartest idea.”

“Then we’ll just have to be really smart about it,” I said, unwilling to even think of the possibility that this might be a mistake. My need for Zoey was too great. “We can do this Zoey… you and I… we get each other. You’re my muse.”

She smiled. “I am?”

“You doubt me.”

“It sounds like a beautiful line.”

“You’re right,” I nodded. “I guess I’ll just have to prove it to you.”

Zoey frowned. “How?”

“Come with me,” I said, taking her hand and leading her out of her room and into mine.

My room was chaos. Since I had moved all my art supplies and canvases into it, there was barely any space to swing a cat. Even my bed was covered with paint and stains.

“Whoa,” Zoey said, as we walked in.

“Look,” I said, pointing Zoey in the direction of my latest masterpiece.

She stopped short as she recognized her likeness on the large canvas in front of her. “You painted me?” she gasped, turning to me.

“I attempted to,” I nodded. “I don’t think I’ve done you justice.”

“Oh wow,” Zoey said, walking closer to the canvas. “You’ve used every color I can think of.”

“It felt fitting,” I said. “Two colors just weren’t enough to capture your beauty.”

“You’ve made me look like… something out of another world,” Zoey said, in awe. “Oh, Devlin… it’s amazing.”

“You like it?”

“I love it,” she sighed. “No one’s ever painted me before… and not like this.”

“Like I said, I don’t think I’ve done you justice.”

“Please,” Zoey said, turning around and walking into my arms. “You’ve made me beautiful.”

I raised my eyebrows and looked at her incredulously. “You are beautiful,” I said fervently. “Why do you think I was so inspired?”

She shook her head at me. “I just don’t understand how you do it all,” she said, with clear admiration in her voice. “I thought I was juggling a lot but look at you. You’re a fireman, and you’re an artist. It’s amazing.”

I had to say something. I had to open my mouth and say something. I couldn’t let her keep thinking I was a fireman. I was lying to her. It was nothing more than a bald-faced lie, and yet my tongue wouldn’t loosen. I wasn’t strong enough to convince myself to do the right thing.

Zoey deserved better than me. She was good and kind and pure, and I was a liar, a con artist, and a fraud. But more than any of that, I was selfish. I wanted her, and I was willing to keep up the ruse in order to keep her with me.

Zoey kissed me softly on the lips and I let all my doubts and worries fall out of my head because it was easier. It was just easier to forget than it was to wrestle with the guilt.