Let it go.
Let it fade away.
Do away with the past and hold the future.
Don’t hold it anymore.
Bad memories cast away.
Be gone satanic horrors of my past.
You can’t hold me anymore. This is my life, and I’m going to do this. I’m going to ride this bike; today, tomorrow, and even when I’m an old man, I will ride bikes again. Quit being the giant arse pussy you pretend not to be and start the motherfucking bike.
Do it for Jax.
Do it for Paige.
Fucking hell, Axle Ryan, do it for yourself and the joy, the complete happiness it once brought you.
Keeping my breathing even, I start the bike and let the vibrations between my legs flow freely through my body. I don’t allow myself to tense up. I can’t; I’ll never get out of the garage if I let that happen.
“I can do this.” My head rolls with a heavier weight thanks to the helmet. The goggles fit perfectly just like the rest of the gear. Paige flies by the opened garage and the burrrp of her engines riles me.
“Let’s do this.” I shout at myself as I kick the stand up and take off; steadily and slowly out of the garage. Paige is already on the track, but I need to get a feel for this bike before I join her.
I take off, going back and forth on the cement that runs the span of all the garages in this branch of the complex. Patiently, I make it seven passes before I start to feel more confident. Even though I’m paying attention to what I’m doing, I still watch Paige on the track. The small tricks she lands on the track jumps and the way she moves on the track help me to release my remaining nerves and the tension I was holding.
Like a light switch being flipped from off for what feels like a lifetime, everything comes back to me. My grip becomes more confident. My posture goes back to a natural, comfortable spot on top of the bike. I close my eyes and revel in the feeling of this freedom.
Revving the bike, I spun my back tire and skid across the cement; my right foot stays fastened to the ground before I bring the bike back upright and rip my way over to the track. I pull in right as Paige is adding another lap to her run. She does a quick check over her shoulder and then focuses back in front of her. I stay right behind her for several laps before I finally get the balls to do some small jumps and pass her.
She doesn’t make it easy for me. She maintains the lead after many of my attempts until I finally get past her and take off, opening the throttle and tearing my way around the track.
A true smile—spreading from ear to ear—spans my face. I don’t care about the dirt I am getting in my mouth; the slight taste of it converting to mud when it lands on my tongue is welcome. I take each turn and obstacle like I’ve done it a million times before. In truth, I should have walked the track first to see every detail of the dirt, but I feel as if I don’t need to. Like the home track I rode daily back home, this track feels as if I’ve been a part of it for years.
Every day since I’ve come to work here, I’ve been looking down at this track. I’ve watched Paige practice on it and Parker working on his jumps. I learned every detail from watching her to staring down at the dirt when no one was on it.
Paige zips past me on the straightaway. I let myself slow down while thinking too much. I need to forget about everything off this dirt and just enjoy this.
We fight back and forth for the lead, lap after lap, until I have no feeling left in my body, and my face hurts from the smile that doesn’t want to leave my face.
But I’m not finished.
No, not even close.
Paige reads my mind, guiding me over to the ramps Parker uses and speeds up into a run. She does a back flip, and once she lands, she pulls away far enough away, stopping to wait for me.
Shaking my arms, shoulders, and hands loose, I take off for my own run. Like with racing around the track, I don’t want to push myself here either. I get up to speed and jump from the ramp. I don’t try anything the same caliber as what Paige just did. Instead, I do a fender kiss and land the bike soundly on the other side.
My body does a slight bounce with the landing. Descending, I pull up to a stop right next to Paige. Her helmet is off, resting on her lap with her gloved fingers drumming the top of it.
“Well, do you feel better?”
I follow suit, removing my helmet and replicating her by setting it on my lap. The hot Utah wind whips around us, making dirt devils and blowing through our hair as we sit on our bikes in the dirt.
It has been far too long since I’ve felt this calm. Pressures I’ve put on myself since the last day I got on a bike feel distant. I got back on a bike and didn’t hurt anyone. I didn’t cause something to happen to myself or Paige.
Sure, it is nothing like having more riders on the track at the same time. But still, that wreck was from a rookie mistake, not mine. I see that now. Better than ever, I fully understand what Jax, Levi, my parents, and even my sister were trying to tell me.
It wasn’t my fault.
It was just an accident, like many that took place before and will continue well after. I did my best to make my friend’s life easier after I thought it was taken from him. My own self-pity blinded me. Jax has been living since the day he got the all clear, and even before that when he woke on the way to the hospital. He forced a smile the day they told him he would never walk again, but even then, he didn’t give up.
He put up with my grouchy arse for years to come. He cheered me up when I fucked up again and slept with Candy. When I thought I was doing my best to be a good friend and help him in life, Jax was doing all that for me.
I tear my eyes from the track, the jumps, and the Piston Motor Sports complex to look at Paige. A light layer of dirt and sweat coat her face. She too looks relaxed, like the ride released something for her as well. The guarded look is still there, but it has softened.
“That was incredible.” A deep belly laugh explodes from me just as the wind picks up a little more. “It was completely freeing. Thank you.” The genuine gratitude makes me feel as if I’m telling Paige I love her rather than just thanking her for pushing me into this.
She flips her shiny long hair over her shoulder and shrugs. “I knew it would. Now, come on. I can’t keep Parker from the track much longer. He’ll want to know what we are doing.”
She starts the bike once more, and I follow. We put the bikes back in their places, and I’m left to wonder where everyone is.
“Where did everyone go?”
Paige begins to change out of her riding gear to put her tiny arse shorts and black top back on. “I sent them away for a nice lunch to give us some privacy.”
“Oh?”
She turns to me, only clad in her bra and shorts, and wearing an ‘are you stupid’ expression. “Did you want them all to watch you as you got your balls back, or do you prefer to do it in private?”
Scratching the back of my head, I shake it. “No.”
“Okay then.” She turns back and begins to pull her top on. Her phoenix flaps as her shoulder blades move and the angels dance along her sides until black covers them once more.
“Go out on a date with me.”
What the fuck!
I know how she feels about a relationship that is more than just sex, so why in the fucking hell did I just say that shit?
I wield my eyes closed; cursing myself for the stupid fucker I am when she laughs. I blame the adrenaline rush coursing through my body for my outburst.
“No.”
My eyes pop open as well as my mouth. It isn’t like I asked her to marry me or some shit like that, but the rejection is still here. And it tastes worse than a piss warm beer.
“But …” She steps into my space, walking her fingers up my breast plate, and cupping my rough cheek. “You can buy me dinner tonight. Say six at the Naked Fish?”
Japanese bistro? That’s what she wants to eat?
I can do that.
I’m left mute with her this close to me. I feel like an idiot for being tongue-tied with her now, but she still steals my every thought. I nod in agreement.
“Good.” She pats my cheek and saunters off. “I’ll see you then.”
I change back into my suit and blindly find my way back to my office. I’m in a haze. I don’t want to be surrounded by the four walls of my office today; I want to be outside and on the back of a bike again.