Jyn

I don’t trust people who think childbirth is a beautiful thing. Looking down at my daughter, I know I love her. I feel the love, but I also still feel the pain. I thought this tiny little girl was going to tear me apart. Like, seriously rip me in two.

“We’re going to take her, and get her all tested and bundled up,” Kenny’s head nurse, Liz, tells me.

“Thanks.”

She gives me a sympathetic smile, and I think she gets it. She understands that I need to come back to myself. I don’t know why I’m feeling like this, and I don’t want to feel like this, but I do.

“You did great, Jyn,” Noah says, raining kisses over my face, before finding my lips for a kiss that makes me melt.

“I’m so tired,” I admit when we break apart.

“Rest. I’ll watch over our girl.”

“Thank you,” I say, drifting off.

When I wake up, I’m alone. It freaks me out for a moment, and I press my call button. Kenny comes in, taking a seat next to me.

“She’s in the nursery with Noah and Liz.”

“Is that normal? Should she be in here? Should I be feeding her?”

“There is no ‘normal’ with having a baby, Jyn. She can sleep wherever you’d like, and you can breastfeed or not. We’ve given her a small amount of formula while you slept, but she’ll learn to turn to you for food, if that’s what you want.”

“I don’t know, Kenny,” I tell him, tears springing to my eyes. “Why don’t I know?”

“Because your body and mind have been through a trauma. A beautiful trauma, but one nonetheless.”

“I’ve loved her since the moment I knew about her, but all of a sudden, I feel so overwhelmed.”

“You love your daughter, Jyn. I have no doubt of that, but I need to recommend that one of the doctors from upstairs come down and talk to you.”

“The psychs?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t feel depressed exactly. That’s what you mean, right?”

“It could be postpartum depression, or it could be something else. The sooner we all figure it out, the better it will be for you.”

“I won’t hurt her. I would never hurt her, no matter how weird I feel.”

“I know that.”

“Does Noah? Is he going to take my baby, Kenny?”

“I don’t know what Noah is thinking, but he just knows you’re tired right now.”

“He needs to know it all.”

“I agree.”

“Can you have him come in here?”

“Are you sure you’re ready?”

“No, but I need to tell him.”

He nods, and leaves the room. I close my eyes, sobbing because I don’t want to be like this. I want to cuddle my girl, and feed her. But, I can’t. Not right now.

“Hey, you’re up,” Noah says, walking in alone.

“Yeah.”

“What’s wrong? Are you crying because our girl’s not with me? Kenny said I should talk to you alone,” he says, rushing to my side.

“No. I-I can’t see her right now.”

He leans back like I hit him. “What?”

“Something’s wrong with me.”

He looks around, checking the monitors, and lifting up the sheet that’s covering me. “What is it?”

“I don’t know. I just can’t handle it all of a sudden.”

“Handle what?”

“Being a mom.”

“No. You love her.”

“I do. I love her, but it’s too much.”

“You’re figuring this out now?”

“I don’t have anything figured out. Kenny’s going to bring a doctor down to talk to me.”

“We haven’t even agreed on a name. Do you even care about her name?”

“Yes, Noah. I care. I just…I don’t even know how to explain it.”

“I don’t want her near you if you think you’ll hurt her.”

“You honestly think I could hurt my own child? Our child?”

He takes a deep breath before looking me in the eye. “No. I shouldn’t have said that. I just don’t understand.”

“Neither do I.”

“What do you need from me?”

“Be there for her. Until I can be there with you, let her know she’s loved.”

“Always.”

He looks so beautiful, with his beard and hair unruly, and his eyes glistening with tears he’s not shedding. I shouldn’t ask, but I need to know the answer.

“Do you still love me?”

“Always. Loving you is like taking a breath I need to live.”

“I’m going to get better.”

“I have no doubt.”

“Will you tell her I love her?”

“Every day, night, and the hours in between.”

“I think they’re going to release us tomorrow.”

“Yeah, Kenny said that. I was hoping to bring my mom over to our place to meet her.”

“Please do.”

His mother is in the throes of early onset Alzheimer’s. Brayden helped Darcy bring her here, and she’s in an assisted living facility, with the best care money can buy. I know she still remembers her children most days, and there’s nothing I want more than for her to know her granddaughter.

"I don’t know if I'll get permission, but I'm going to try."

"If not, we can take her to your mom."

"We?"

"I'm hoping this weirdness is temporary, or can at least be regulated so I can come home to you soon."

“Me too."

"We need a name.”

“We’ll go with yours.”

“Carissa?”

“Carissa Eleanor.”

“I love you, Noah.”

“I love you too, Jyn. Get some rest. We’ll be waiting when you’re ready.”

* * *

Noah

I take little Cari home the next day, but I can’t stop thinking about Jyn. I’m worried about her. Not about how she’ll be with our daughter, but how she’s coping with all of it. She’s a badass, and one of the strongest women I’ve ever met, but this beautiful little girl of ours has taken her down.

“She’s getting the help she needs,” Darcy says, guessing my thoughts as she squeezes my arm.

“I know. It’s just hard to see someone I love so much be in pain, and there’s nothing I can do to help her.”

“Taking care of my niece is helping.”

“I’d be doing that anyway.”

“She’s beautiful, Noah.”

“She is.”

“I’ll help you all you need until Jyn’s ready.”

“Are you sure? I know it’s hard for you.”

“Actually, it’s not. I want a baby so bad, but Carissa has already won my heart, and I’d do anything for her.”

“I’m so glad to hear that. I’ve felt so guilty since we talked. And now…now I need help, Darce.”

“How long are you going to give Jyn?”

“Huh?”

“If she doesn’t snap out of it, you may have to file for custody.”

“Not a chance in hell. She’ll get through this, or we’ll make it work.”

“She doesn’t want to see your baby, but you think you can make it work?”

“Yes.”

“It’s not fair,” she says, breaking down.

I place Cari in her bassinet, and go to my sister, wrapping her in my arms. “You know she loves Cari. She fought me so hard when I got here, making sure I’d be a good dad. I don’t know why things changed when she had her, but she loves her.”

“I know. I want to hate her, but I can’t.”

“You’re going to have a baby, or adopt a baby, or do whatever you decide to do, and you’re going to be amazing.”

“Bray tells me that every day.”

“My best friend is a smart guy, so of course he does.”

“I think I’m going to look into adoption. It’s too hard to keep trying for a baby, and get my period every month.”

I wince internally, because I don’t want to hear about any woman’s period, much less my sister’s, but I don’t let my discomfort show. “I can’t wait to meet your kid.”

“I think it will be a kid, and not a baby. I want to adopt someone who might have a hard time being adopted. I mean, I have plenty of babies to play with and dress up around here, so why not give someone a chance?”

“Like you gave me a chance?” I ask, choking up a little.

“I don’t believe you’re really sure I did the right thing, even after all you know now.”

I shrug, because I can’t deny it. “I can’t lie, and say it doesn’t still hurt sometimes, but I know you did it for the right reasons, and it wasn’t like I was left on the streets.” Even if, at times, I sometimes wish I was.

“I won’t say I wouldn’t do the same thing if I had to do it all again. That series of events has led us all to right where we need to be.”

“Yeah, I guess it has.”

Darcy leaves soon after, and I work to get Carissa and I settled in. I watch over her as she sleeps, checking to make sure she’s breathing every few minutes. I make up some of her formula into the little bottles Jyn and I bought weeks ago, wanting to be ready for when she’s hungry. I check the diapers on her changing table, along with the ointments, powder and lotions, which are all where they need to be. And then, I left myself breathe.

I breathe through the pain of possibly losing the woman I love. She’ll be here physically with me, but will she be the same? Should she even be the same after having a baby?

I don’t know the answers to these questions, but I do know I was telling Darcy the truth; we’ll make it work, no matter what. Jyn’s in pain right now, but the three of us are a family now, and we’ll survive anything the world throws at us. Family and acceptance is all I’ve ever wanted, and I’m not about to let mine go.