Oliver
The ride to my apartment is bursting with silence because the two of us are trying to figure out how to talk to the other again. I haven’t seen this girl for three weeks and it’s killing my insides to be so close to her now and not be able to touch her. Julie did allow me to open her door for her and lets me graze the small of her back as we walk into the building and Bernie, the night security guard, smirks at me and nods.
She lightly sniffs the air when I let her into the apartment. A smile creeps across her face as she looks at me and then back toward the source of the aroma. “Is that garlic lasagna from Mara Bello’s?” She giggles. “How did you know that is my favorite?”
I blush. Fire rushes through my cheeks and numbs the tender skin. “How did you know?” I smile and tap her nose lightly with my index finger. She blushes a little and nibbles on her bottom lip. “I was trying to pretend like I knew how to cook.”
“I’m not worth the trouble, really.” Julie huffs and sniffs the lasagna again, licking the inside of her lips just enough for me to see. I feel a jolt of electricity run through me; I am suddenly standing as close as I can get to her, our breaths mixing, and I finger the tassel of her blouse and look into her eyes. “You are worth it to me,” I tell her and watch her bright eyes. “Why have you been avoiding me the past three weeks?”
Julie clears her throat. “Because I don’t trust myself with you.”
“Do I scare you?”
She shakes her head. “Of course not. I just know I’m not ready for anything serious and it was getting pretty serious between us—I’m sure you can agree on that.”
“So, what I want doesn’t matter?” My voice is gritty and hurt; she isn’t playing fair. I have to make myself calm down before I kill my chances ten seconds into seeing her again. “You get to decide for both of us?”
“I don’t want to fight.” She holds her ground. “I just want to—”
“—I want to kiss you.” The low growl in my throat reaches my lips and I devour her mouth with mine, slowly kissing her; my tongue plays with her bottom lip. Julie doesn’t put her arms around me or even lean into the kiss, but she isn’t pulling away, either. My thumb caresses the outside corner of her mouth as I suck the rest of her lip between mine. Through my ragged breath, I press our foreheads together and say, “You don’t know how badly I’ve missed you.”
“Oliver, I have to take this slow if we do this at all.” Julie’s breath is thick but I feel her strain herself on her toes so she can reach my lips with hers again and we hold each other, locked together like magnets. “I’m too afraid to give myself completely to you again.”
“Okay, okay.” I let out the rest of the hot air and pull my body from hers. I have to put myself at arm’s length from her on purpose. “If you need to take it slow, we’re taking it slow. As long as I get to do it with you, I don’t care how long it takes.”
She raises her eyebrows in intrigue. She knows me better than that, which doesn’t make it any easier to earn back her trust. “Are you sure? I’m not convinced you have the capability of slowing things down.”
Somehow I fake a warm smile toward her and take my index finger, crossing my heart over my sweater. “I swear, I will try my best to take it slow.” The smell of lasagna is filling my nose now and my stomach rumbles. I take her hand and sit her down at the long, oak dining room table and leave to bring in the food to serve her. Once the wine glasses are full and we fill our plates with the garlic goodness, she moves her plate closer to me. Her leg touches mine underneath the table, sending shivers up my spine. “What have you been doing these past few weeks?” she asks me, mouth full of food and laughter. I take a moment to mentally prepare myself for an actual conversation with her. I knew she would ask me questions, but I never thought about what my answers would be. There are hundreds of things I could say to her; I can’t seem to find the right words without looking weak.
I never broke my rules before you.
Now I don’t know which way is up.
I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I can’t do anything but think about you.
I am so completely unraveled because of you.
“You don’t want to know.” I snort and refill both of our glasses with wine. “Trust me, you don’t.”
Her small hand finds my arm and squeezes. I nearly spill the wine all over the table in front of me. “I want to know, Oliver.”
I uncork another bottle and stare at her. I know why I do whatever she asks of me: That’s what love does to a man who breaks the rules. “I hardly moved from the couch and I haunted my phone, hoping you’d call.”
Her tongue smacks against her teeth. “I’m sorry you went through that.” She collects the plates and stands up. She rushes toward the kitchen and I grab the wine, stalking after her. “Oliver, let me have a moment alone, okay?”
I shake my head and drink from the bottle. I’m not letting her do this to me again. I’m going to stand my ground and demand that she listens. “I’ve done that—you’ve had three weeks alone.”
She sighs and starts rinsing the plates. Her collarbone is softly poking out from beneath her milky skin. I have to bite my cheek before I sink my teeth into her flesh. “I haven’t exactly had a spectacular three weeks either, you know. It’s not like I was out partying or having fun…I was in a bad place for a few days.”
The rich chocolate dessert that the restaurant sent with the food sits on the counter, begging for me to open it and feed some to her. I look at her lips and my insides twist together. She licks them slowly and it takes everything I have not to take her right here in the kitchen. She takes the bottle from my hand and takes a hearty few chugs. “I enrolled in some courses at the community college downtown,” she says. “Randy is helping me with tuition and I’m actually excited to start.”
She watches me open the dessert and run a fork through the smooth cake. “That’s really great. I could help you with that too—you know that, right?”
She says nothing when I raise the fork to her mouth. A dark smile paints my face. Her lips part and she lets me put the sweet inside. Her lips devouring the fork and I pull it back toward me with greed. “I don’t need you to help me.” Her voice is raspy. I can hear her faint breath turn ragged—it slays me.
A bit of chocolate sticks on the corner of her bottom lip and I kiss it. My tongue gently flicks her skin and she moves her head to kiss me back. “Stay the night,” I say into her kiss. “Stay here with me.” She knows I’m right. I know she knows that we are right.
Before I can stop myself, I pull her body closer to mine and place my lips on hers again. The burning feeling between us intensifies and she breathes against me with a gentle force. “Oliver,” she pants and pushes me away, “this isn’t going slow.”
“I don’t know how to go slow with you,” I say, trying to catch my breath. “I don’t know what the fuck to do here.”
I want her.
I need her.
I deserve her.
“Stay, please.” I hold up my hands in defeat. “I’ll try harder to keep my hands to myself.”
She eyeballs me but finally gives in. Her ocean eyes soften as she loses the war with her heart. “I really don’t believe you, but I’ll stay.”
I grin like a schoolboy at her and she laughs at my fake innocence. I have absolutely every intention of getting to touch her whenever I get the chance. And I will do absolutely anything to get her back. She yawns, her lips calling to me. She stretches her body so her chest nearly bumps mine, and I nearly grab her tight and pick her up, run to the bedroom, and shut the door behind me.
Cool it, Oliver. You’re going to mess this shit up again.
“My pajamas are in the bottom-right dresser drawer,” I say to her. Our eyes meet and the room fades away. “You’ll probably die a little inside because my pajama pants and old t-shirts share a space.”
She winces in a small amount of obsessive compulsive pain. “I appreciate that, Oliver, thank you.” I get a chill down my spine when she says my name. It sounds like she says it for the last time, every time. “We’re adults—we can sleep in the same bed. You don’t have to sleep on the sofa.”
I want to scream: You’re confusing the hell out of me!
“I think it’s better if I stay out here…I don’t want you feeling smothered by me.” I pray she won’t keep it going. I give her a look that hopefully spells out my need to end this part of the conversation. I swear to all that is or ever has been holy to me, a wicked smile appears on her face and she looks up at me.
“If that’s what you want,” she says. I point to where the bedroom is and she leaves to change.
“Holy shit,” I breathe out loudly. I rest my head on the sofa pillow. I can still feel her lips on mine and they tremble as I try to close my eyes. I can’t stand the feeling of her being so close to me; I have to see her just in case she leaves me again. I jump up and walk toward the bedroom door. I don’t care that I’m about to undo an entire night of trying to get back where I wanted us to be.
“Julie?” She doesn’t answer me but I hear her inside the room, shuffling her small feet around. I wonder if she’s naked—it drives me crazy enough that I place my hand on the door and almost walk in. I can’t help myself. I’m so fucking addicted to this girl, no matter how hard I try not to be. I try the door handle and she opens it from the other side at the exact same time.
She has laughter in her eyes, and I see that she has already undressed and stands in front of me in a pair of my boxer shorts and an old blue pocket t-shirt.
To hell with the damn rules.
“Oh, sorry.” I blush. “I was just coming to make sure you found what you needed. It looks like you’re comfortable…I mean, you found them.”
“I found them.” She giggles and curtsies. “Unless you think I wear men’s underwear underneath my clothes.”
I raise my eyebrow at her and catch my smirk before she does. “I’ve already seen what’s under your clothes—” She gasps and blushes a little. “—and it isn’t anything close to that.”
“Oh my God,” she gasps again and slaps me on the shoulder, playfully. “You’re making me blush.” I lean toward her and part her lips with mine, locking us together. She sucks on my bottom lip and smiles into the kiss. Her sunshine fills my head again and I can’t think straight. “I knew you weren’t gonna listen to me about keeping your hands to yourself,” she says but can’t help but smile and let me kiss her jawline. My hands gently encircle her waist to hold her in place. She lets me taste the flesh on her neck; the salt of her skin tickles my tongue.
“Tell me something no one else knows about you,” I say to her and kiss the curve of her neck. She purrs at my touch. “I want to know everything about you, Julie.”
“You first.” She licks her dry lips. “I-I can’t think right now.”
My smile makes my teeth nick her collarbone a little. I can feel what I do to her; it’s almost impossible for her to control her shaking legs. “What’s your favorite ice cream?” She laughs and it vibrates my teeth as I bite down on her skin. “I’m serious. Mine is chocolate chip.”
“I never thought about it.” She breathes and moans. “I guess your favorite can be mine too.”
What’s yours is mine. I remember our first night at the cabin; she demanded more space for her clothes and I demanded all of her attention. Little did I know then that I would be breaking the very first rule that was so important to me.
She’s carefree and breezy right now, nowhere near the stressed mess she was a few weeks ago. I find myself attracted to her more aggressively as I move in closer to her. I push the rest of her hair away from her neck, flicking my tongue on the soft spots. “I have to go back into the living room before I take you on this bed, Julie.” I groan, trying to hide the growing erection now pressed against her.
“Sleep with me in here.” She coaxes me and lies back onto the bed. My boxers hug her curves like butter. “You can behave yourself somewhat, right?”
I won’t be able to. I know I won’t be able to.
“Why are you torturing me?” I whisper and frown. I look down at her body, casting a shadow over her. “I can’t do it. I can’t sleep in here without being able to touch you.”
“Try.” Julie nods and studies my eyes. I never know what she’s really thinking about, and that scares me. She sweetly smiles at me and pats the empty spot next to her on the bed. “I’m not going to kick you out of your own bed.” Her eyes narrow at me in warning.
“Yes ma’am,” I mumble and finally give in. I jump into the open space over her body as she giggles. I turn the lamp off and the darkness consumes us, making it hard to concentrate.
Then it hits me. “Give me another week.”
“Hmm?” Her sleepy voice moans next to me.
“Another week. Let me have one more week with you. Let me show you what life with me could be like.” She turns to face me. I can still see the fear in her eyes even in the darkened room. “Let’s go tomorrow night…stay at the cabin for another week. When do your classes start?”
She yawns and her lips tremble. “In just over a week.”
“That’s a yes, then?” I smile at her in the darkness. I don’t care if she can’t see me. I know that she feels what I feel. It’s like she has a part of herself inside of me.
I expect her to decline my offer, but to my surprise she leans toward me. She kisses my lips and nods. “That sounds perfect.”
Perfect.
***
“Oh, let’s stop here!” I hear Julie squeak. There’s a child behind me laughing, hysterically. “I have to pee so bad, Oliver—pull over at that gas station! Please, please!”
I feel my arms yank a steering wheel to the right and pull the Jeep into the gas station parking lot. As I look over at Julie and laugh, the child continues snorting but Julie looks completely horrified. “I told you going to the lake this close to the end was a bad idea,” I say to her and she grumbles at me. She opens her car door and as she gets out, I notice her growing pregnant stomach again.
“Dad?” I hear the child say as she runs into the store and disappears. “How much longer?”
I hesitate looking into the rearview mirror. I don’t know why, but I know that once I look at him, there’ll be no going back. I force myself to glance up, and the boy looks exactly like I did when I was a kid.
Dark hair. Freckles. Goofy smile.
He has her eyes.
“Yeah, kid, we are. Your mom just can’t help it; she likes public bathrooms so much that she wants to visit them all as soon as she can.” I wink at him from the mirror and he snorts. He thinks I’m hilarious and that fills me with radiating pride. His laugh sends a warm feeling through my chest that explodes inside me; I can’t even process any unwanted emotions because I’m so happy.
“Can I swim in the lake without my life jacket this year?”
I shake my head. “Probably not, buddy. Your mom doesn’t need any more stress right now, okay? That would scare her a lot, but next year I promise you’ll get to and I’ll be the one to take you out there.”
He looks sad but gets over it quickly and looks back up at me; I can see her innocence woven through his smile. “Dad, how many fish do you think are in the lake?”
I laugh at his question. “Probably a million.”
He gasps out loud. “A million? That’s a lot, right, Dad?”
I nod and try not to cry. “That’s a lot, son.”
Julie comes back into view with a coffee for me and chocolate milk for her and the boy. She shoots me another warning look and says, “I was also craving chocolate milk.”
I say nothing but I smile at her and grab her hand to kiss her fingers. I feel her body relax. “We’re almost there,” I tell her and pull back onto the road.
She smiles. “We’re almost there.”