Oliver
Julie sits next to me in the Jeep, silent and horrified. I think about what Nora said to her. I shake my head; I’m trying to fathom how in the hell she could even bring herself to blame Julie. I once again find myself starting to dislike Nora. She hasn’t completely redeemed herself—not in my eyes. I don’t believe she’s even a good friend to Julie—I haven’t heard her say one word about Nora since we’ve gotten back together.
Are we together?
Were we together?
I have to ask her.
I need to know; it’s not the best time, though, so I take her hand and squeeze it. I don’t feel her squeeze it back.
She’s not here with me; she’s locked inside her own mind.
“Let’s go inside, okay?” I whisper, but she doesn’t move. She doesn’t even acknowledge anything I’m saying to her. “Julie? Can you walk?” She doesn’t answer me, so I get out of the Jeep. When I reach her window, I can see the tears staining her cheeks in the light of the parking garage.
I have no idea what to do for her. I hate Brandon and Nora both for doing this. Julie didn’t ask to live with a crazy person. She didn’t ask for him to cheat on her. She didn’t ask for him to stalk her and she sure as hell didn’t call him up and say, “Hey, if you love me, you’d go push my friend down a flight of stairs.”
I open the door and unbuckle her seat belt. Making sure I’m being gentle, I tug her toward my chest and shut the door with my foot. She doesn’t nuzzle into my body like normal. Her eyes are cold and distant; it’s hard to see them because of the hair hanging in her face.
I walk to one of the elevators in the lobby and step inside. Bernie nods at me with understanding. “She okay, sir?”
I nod. “She’ll be fine—it’s been a long night.”
He looks at me doubtfully, and I return it with a look that tells him to back off and not ask any more questions. When the doors close behind us again, I shift her weight in my arms. I force her against my chest so she can at least get a little comfort in all of this craziness. I can feel her soft breathing; she puts her head over my heart to listen to my heartbeat. I can just imagine how broken it is with her sadness tainting it. I don’t care. I don’t want her to feel bad for me—I just want to make her happy again. I try to calm myself down to make her feel a little better.
Mrs. Atchley is in the hallway talking to another neighbor. When I come out of the elevator holding this weak, sad girl, she wobbles her way toward me.
“Where are your keys, kid?” I stick my right hip toward her and she shoves her bony hand into my pocket. She has no trouble fishing out my keys and opens the door. “Put her to bed…I’ll take it from there.”
Mrs. Atchley is another woman that will always have a hold over me. I do what she asks too. Every single time.
Julie isn’t asleep, but she isn’t awake, either. I lay her on the bed and sit in the chair in the corner. The old woman tends to her, patting her hands. “Child, can you hear me?” She strokes her silky, honey blonde hair. I watch Julie’s eyes flick over toward her. “There you are, girl. What happened to her?”
I can feel the old woman’s eyes on me, but I don’t look up. I’m frozen with despair; I should’ve known not to take Julie to the hospital. The old woman throws a pillow at me and snaps her fingers. “Buck up, kid, you’re needed here. What happened to her?”
Julie clears her throat. “I’m fine, really, thank you. You remind me of my Aunt Shelly before she passed away.”
Mrs. Atchley eyeballs me and groans. “That’s always nice to hear, that you remind a person of someone they can’t forget. Oliver, go get this girl something to eat.”
“All he has here are some eggs and a few slices of bread.” Julie smiles warmly at me. She’s doing the best she can. “I’m fine, really…I just had a little weird moment, but I’m pretty much all better.”
The old woman scoffs. “More like an anxiety attack.” She turns back to me. “Order her some takeout, then—she needs food. Protein, Oliver.” Julie starts to protest again. Mrs. Atchley gives her the stink eye and she quiets down. I jump up and kiss Julie on the head, squeeze Mrs. Atchley’s frail arm, and leave the room.
I’m headed into the kitchen to get the takeout menus when a wave of darkness washes over me. I have to lock myself in the bathroom. I turn on both faucets in the sink and lower myself onto the floor, putting my head on my knees. I press my back against the wall and cry my eyes out. The bathroom spins around me. It feels like there’s no way I can get up and order food, but somehow I push through and do it anyway.
I have to be strong for her if no one else will.
I have to be strong for her because I love her. No one else is going to hurt her as long as I’m around.
I open the door and walk into the kitchen, squaring my shoulders. I’m prepared to do whatever it takes to make Julie happy—I owe her that much. I owe her more than that, actually. When we met, I was a shell of a person. I slept around so much that it had become normal. It was normal to not remember who was in my bed just hours earlier. I didn’t like myself and I hated Heather.
Well, that hasn’t changed very much, at least: I still hate Heather. Probably more now that she’s pulling more crazy schemes.
I choose the place Julie loves the most out of the menus and order her favorite garlic lasagna, some side dishes, and a few bottles of wine and then put the phone on the counter. I wonder if it’d be okay for me to go to her. I need her. I need to feel her.
I want her.
I want to make her pain go away.
I have to make her pain go away…I can’t stop thinking about it.
Mrs. Atchley and Julie are giggling when I come back into the room. “Well, what do we have here?” I look at the two of them. The old lady starts to stand up, but I hold out my hand. “Please, stay, Mrs. Atchley. I’ve ordered enough for all of us. Please join us for dinner?”
“Yes, please do.” Julie wipes her eyes and smiles at the old woman.
I know she’ll try and snake her way out of it. “I insist,” I say, widening my eyes at her—silently letting her know I need her just as much as Julie does. The old woman nods and hands me her apartment keys. “Go over and get Mikey.” She shoos me away.
Mikey is her stinky old bulldog that hates me; I can smell his farts from the hallway. I open her door and he rushes to greet the visitor, but once he notices it’s me he starts growling.
“Mikey, come on, man. She’s over at my place—do you want to go over?” He snaps at me, but he understands what I’m saying. He runs from the apartment and trots into my open door. I have to jog behind him as he sniffs around for her and jumps on my bed.
Mr. Smelly Dog Farts is on my bed.
Next to my girlfriend, who is rubbing his belly.
Is she my girlfriend?
I still have to ask her that. It weighs heavily on my mind. “Looks like he found another friend.” I fake a smile and pat the dog on the head. He nips at me, which makes the two women laugh hysterically.
“Mikey hates this one.” Mrs. Atchley points toward me. “But they tolerate each other.”
I shake my head. “No, I tolerate him. He just plain hates me.”
The doorbell rings and I go to get the food. But when I open the door, it isn’t a delivery person. It’s Casey, and he looks rough.
“Just hear me out,” he says before I can shut the door in his face. “Look, Ollie, dammit I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry that you slept with my girlfriend?” I whisper angrily, looking around to make sure that Julie can’t hear what I am saying. In the few seconds that she’d rode up alone to visit Nora back at the hospital, Casey had dropped that bomb on me. I didn’t have time to worry about that then because of Julie, but now I want to punch his fucking lights out.
He hangs his head. “There isn’t an excuse but trust me, if I’d thought it was a serious thing I wouldn’t have.” He notices my eyes and holds up his hands in a truce. “That doesn’t make it right, but you’re my best friend and now Nora hates me—”
“Why does Nora hate you?” Julie says, walking up behind me. I start to shut the door so Casey and I can speak outside; Julie stops me and looks at Casey for an explanation. “Why does she hate you?”
Casey looks sick. “I slept with Heather. Earlier today.”
Julie’s face is hard to read for a few moments. Finally, her lips curl and she starts laughing. Mrs. Atchley has positioned herself in one of the armchairs in the living room with Mikey. She shakes her head while Casey and I both look at each other in confusion.
“He slept with her when Heather and I were together,” I growl at her, but that doesn’t get her to stop laughing. “Julie, it’s not funny—it’s messed up.”
“I know, I know.” She has to clear her throat and make herself stop giggling. “We’re all so fucked up that we belong together.”
Now Casey is laughing hysterically. “I’ve never heard you swear. That’s hilarious.”
Julie slides her hand into mine and kisses my cheek. “Let him in…let him eat with us. We can sort through all of this stuff later, right? Screw all the rules.”
I am so in love with this girl.
“Right,” I choke out. I let Casey enter the apartment. The delivery guy is getting off the elevator with our food so I intercept him just in case Julie wants to invite anyone else to dinner who doesn’t belong here.
She is right, though. No matter how messed up it is that Casey did that to me, Heather wasn’t exactly innocent in all of this.
Casey is in the living room petting Mikey. He chats with Mrs. Atchley as I put the bags down on the counter. I slide my arms around Julie’s waist and pull her backward against my chest; I lean down and nuzzle her neck and cheek. “You are so completely amazing that it surprises me sometimes, you know that?” I whisper into her ear. I can feel her smile. “You’re stronger than you know. I just want you to remember that I’m here and I’m not going anywhere, okay?”
She nods and continues with the preparations.
“Julie? I lo—”
“Casey, will you set the table for me, please?” Julie cuts me off and kisses my cheek. She looks into my eyes to tell me that now isn’t the time for what I was about to say.
Casey comes into the kitchen, feeling the tension. He looks at me with concern but takes the plates and wine glasses to the table. Mrs. Atchley refuses any wine at first, then motions for me to pour it in. “Keep pouring, son, you know I like my Piño.” We all laugh together. I fill the glass until it’s almost overflowing.
The entire meal is so pleasant that we all forget about our troubles—even if it’s just for a while. Julie and Mrs. Atchley have a spectacular time giving Casey and me trouble. The entire meal, Julie has her hand on my leg underneath the table. She takes small bites of the lasagna and smiles over at me each time I can catch her eye.
Once the food is gone and the wine is in our blood, Mrs. Atchley scoops up her dog and says her goodbyes. She thanks us for the company and for keeping an old woman entertained. Casey offers to walk her to her door—maybe trying to save a little face with me. He didn’t say much to me at dinner and I was okay with that. I don’t want to hear his excuses. Honestly, it doesn’t even matter to me anymore.
Once we’re alone, Julie starts buzzing between the dining room and the kitchen. She cleans up the dinner mess, and I try to help her but she hands me another glass of wine and tells me to go sit in the living room. I finish the glass and take it into the kitchen where she’s finishing up. She turns to face me once she feels my presence. “I’m ready to let it go,” she says and lifts her chin. “I’m ready to be free.”
“What are you saying?” I put the glass in the sink and brush her hair behind her ear. “Are you saying you want to be with me? No more running, no more acting scared and pushing me away—you’re ready to do this?”
“I’m ready to do this,” she says into my shirt as she wraps her arms around me. “I’m ready to forget everyone and everything. Forget all that’s happened in both of our lives…I’m ready to just start over. And I want to start over with you.”
I close my eyes and smile. “It’s about time. What made you decide this?”
“I just don’t want to be sad anymore…there isn’t a reason for it. I know what happened to Nora is awful, but it isn’t my fault. She should have never let him into her house or answered his phone calls. And Casey loves you—he made a mistake, but you need to let it go too.”
“He slept with Heather while we were together,” I tell her. “It’s not right, no matter how you look at it.”
She shakes her head. “No, it isn’t right, but you have to let it go if you want to move on too.”
“Fine, I’ll let it go. Only on one condition.” Her eyebrows raise and I can see that she has her own conditions, but I need to sell her on mine first. “You have to live by my rules.”
She giggles. “What rules?”
I take her hand and show her I’m not joking. “The rules I’ve created for my life. I don’t want to be hurt again, not by anyone or anything.” I know I blush when she cocks her head and the strands of stray hair caress her cheek. “I live my life by a set of rules, Julie. You made me break the first one, and you could have destroyed me.”
“Oliver, you’re being dramatic.”
I slowly let the air out from my lungs. “All you have to do is agree to the rules. That’s the only way our life can be…perfect.”
It’s torture, watching her decide. “What are the rules, then?”
I clear my throat. “There are four. The first rule is not to let your guard down. I put up so many walls after Heather fucked me up, I didn’t want anyone to try and break them down. But you did. You smashed right through them. So I failed my own first rule, but I’m fucking happy I did.” I run my finger down her cheek; she smiles at my touch. “The second rule is don’t take life for granted—you never know when it’ll end. Next, don’t let your secrets destroy you.”
She holds up her hand. “I don’t have any secrets.”
“Good, because I don’t like secrets. Now would be the time to tell me anything I wouldn’t like, or confess something.” She shakes her head, so I continue. “And the final rule is: Don’t destroy your own happiness. If you can’t make yourself happy, you can’t make anyone else happy.”
The air between us is a little chilly. Once she thinks about the rules, she nods in agreement. “I can agree to those, but there’s just one thing I have to show you first.” She holds out her hand. “I need your car keys.”
“For what?” I fish them out of my pocket and give them to her.
“To obey your ‘no secrets’ rule. We need to go to the car, but Brandon is still out there—”
I hold my hand out to her. “Let’s go.”
We trek down to the Jeep and she rummages through it. She pulls several worn and tattered books from the underside of the front seat. She doesn’t tell me what they are, just takes my hand again and drags me back upstairs. “Let’s get ready for bed and then I’ll show you what these are,” she says and starts stripping naked in front of me.
She isn’t a stranger to my bedroom. She knows where to find a t-shirt to sleep in as I take off my jeans and hop into bed next to her. “Okay, I’m ready.”
Julie bites her bottom lip. “Okay, before you freak out—”
“What are they, Julie?” I demand. “Just tell me.”
She sighs and pushes an orange book toward me. “Your father’s journals. I have four of them but there are dozens back at the cabin.”
“Journals? Like diaries?” I open the book. Sure enough, my father’s handwriting is kicking me in the face. “How far do these go back?”
She shrugs. “I’m not sure. I started reading them when your mother found out she was pregnant with you.”
My face pales. “My mother?”
“Yes, and you probably won’t like hearing what he has to say about her. She doesn’t seem like she was a very nice woman.”
I have to keep these journals away from her.
“She wasn’t a nice woman,” I mutter and slam the book shut, taking the rest out of her hands. “We should put these away for now.”
Julie tilts her head in confusion. “Don’t you want to know about her?”
I turn off the lamp beside the bed and lie down with her. “I know about her; my father told me stories. I have some memories of her. Let’s just go to sleep, okay?” I want her to stop asking me questions about it; I don’t want her to know any more than she needs to.
I told her not to let her secrets destroy her. Destroy us.
But she can’t know this one.