MAXWELL

Buck had told us once that women were one of the biggest mysteries there were in life. You could love them forever, but you’d never understand the thousands of layers that made up their souls. It sounded like soap opera bullshit to a bunch of hormonal thirteen-year-old boys, but I was beginning to wonder if perhaps Buck was on to something. I’d fucked more women in my lifetime than I cared to admit, most of which I barely remembered, but they were all the same. I felt as if I had solved that so-called mystery years ago. They had a pussy, I had a dick, dick goes inside the pussy, end of story. The rest never meant much to me. Feelings and shit…I never needed them to get off. I had my song, and that was the only thing I wanted to hear.

Heaven was a walking, talking contradiction wrapped in a sexy little package of piss and vinegar. In the short time I’d known her, I’d managed to crack her hard exterior on more than one occasion, yet she continued to surprise the shit outta me with her vulnerabilities. I’d never had such an intense desire to know a woman as much as I did with Heaven. She moved something within me that wanted to protect her and keep her close to me at all times. I should push her away, force her to see me as the asshole I really was, the selfish man who had a penchant for kinky sex wherever and whenever he wanted it. She’d be better off without someone like me in her life. I’d only end up ruining her like I’d done my brothers. It was my one gift to anyone who dared to enter my fucked-up world and called me friend. The hot shower was just what I needed to settle the conflict in my head and come to the right decision about Heaven. For once in my life, I had to do the right thing by thinking of someone else’s feelings and not just my own. As much as I wanted her for myself, I knew it could never be. I didn’t deserve someone like her.

The room was completely dark when I came out of the bathroom. All the lights I had left on were now off, and Heaven appeared to be sleeping soundly. The king-sized bed swallowed up her tiny body, especially since she lay as close to the edge as humanly possible. I slid inside the cold sheets, careful to remain on my side of the mattress, and inhaled deeply, grateful, we were both safe and I could finally get some much-needed sleep.

“Max, is that you?” Cute as hell.

“Yeah, baby, it’s me.” I resisted the urge to say, “Who the fuck else would it be” and closed my eyes. I felt the bed move and knew she had turned from her previous position and was now facing me.

“Are we friends, Max? I mean…I know you said you didn’t want to be my friend, but I thought, since you saved my life, we could at least try, but only if you want to.”

Now was my chance to tell her to fuck off, that hell yeah, I meant that shit and the last thing I needed was another fucking friend, especially some woman I’d like to fuck up the ass more than my next breath. I’d make her hate me, and that hate would fuel my need to leave her ass here and run off to find someone more suitable for my…tastes. I could crush her easily at half-dick mode, turn over, and sleep like a baby for the rest of the night. She’d probably yell and call me an asshole, but so what? I was an asshole. The faster she learned that fact, the better off we both would be. I was leaving, and if she had any sense, she’d leave, too, but that was totally up to her, wasn’t my fucking business. Yeah, that’s right, Max. Fuck her.

By the time I’d hyped myself up enough to see it through, one agonizing sound from Heaven’s side of the bed seized my lungs and buried itself deep within the recesses of my heart. It was a simple sniffle, quiet as a prayer yet louder than the boom from a stick of dynamite exploding in the wind. One fucked-up non-answer from me, and she was brought to tears. I felt the pain of her sorrow throughout my entire body, and it scared the shit outta me. I wanted her in my arms, where I could stop the darkness from taking over my thoughts and that rush of shame I always felt after I’d caused misery to someone who didn’t deserve it. She was shocked when I ran over to her side of the bed and snatched her out from under the security of the blankets and hugged her. She was wearing the T-shirt I’d given her, which was long enough to cover her nakedness underneath it, but this wasn’t about sex; it was about something more.

“I’m so sorry, Heaven. Please don’t cry because of me.”

Since I wasn’t wearing a shirt, I felt the cool path of her hot tears as they ran down the side of my neck. She shivered uncontrollably and tried to control the sobs that wracked her tiny body, so I laid us down and covered us while I held her tightly to my chest. We stayed silent, but that didn’t stop our hands from being active. I gently smoothed the hair from her face, while she reached for my other hand and linked our fingers together. It was an odd feeling holding a woman in my arms without trying to fuck her, but one I wouldn’t give up for the world. It just felt…normal.

“I was twelve and my brother, Landon, was six when my parents died,” Heaven began once her breathing had calmed.

“No one wanted to take us, so we were sent to live with my older cousin Abby and her husband, Richard. They were financially secure. Richard was a screenwriter, so he worked from home, and Abby was a pharmaceutical sales person, so she traveled a lot. Most of the time, she was gone five to six days out of the week, so Richard was responsible for our everyday needs.” She sat up and moved further away from my prone position in the bed. She was shielding herself from whatever came next. She grabbed one of the pillows and hugged it to her chest while she sat Indian style and played with one of the strings from the pillowcase. I fought against my instincts to close the gap between us and bring her back in my arms. I allowed her the space she needed and stayed silent.

“Everything was fine for the first few weeks after we arrived. We missed our parents and mourned their deaths as brother and sister. I tried to be as strong as I could for Landon; he was just a baby and cried for my mom and dad often, especially at night during bedtime. He got better as the weeks went on and Abby spent more time with him. She was like a surrogate mother to both of us, and I started to feel like everything was going to be alright.” Tragedy was the source of her strength. How difficult it must have been for a young girl to lose so much and still have the sack to care for another. I admired her bravery.

“Things changed when Abby started getting sent away on business a lot more often, and for longer periods of time. Richard changed during those times. He would say things that were hurtful, especially to me. He told me that it was my fault my parents were dead because I was a bad little girl who needed to be taught a lesson. He would deny us food and bragged about how he had the refrigerator and pantry wired so he knew if we took anything. We would go days without eating. Landon would cry from stomach cramps and beg me to make them stop. I swear, Max, I didn’t know what to do. There was no one to tell. I didn’t have any money, and I would have done anything to protect my brother.”

I didn’t need to hear the rest to know where this shit was going. Another fuckhead charged with protecting his own who decided instead to satisfy his own sick needs. What kind of sick fuck took advantage of two grieving kids by starving them to death? At least I’d had Buck to save me from my previous life, but Heaven had had no one, no junkyard, no family, and no friends. I wanted to track that motherfucker down, stick the butt of my M4 up his ass, and blow his fucking brains out, rid the earth of any traces of his existence. I couldn’t protect her then, but I sure as shit could protect her now.

“Shhhh, it’s okay, baby. You don’t have to tell me any more.” I sat up and touched my hand to her face. She leaned into it and sighed, but it gave her no comfort.

“Don’t you understand, Max, can’t you see? I’m a whore, a worthless common tramp who deserved everything that happened tonight.” She jumped from the bed and pointed to her chest in anger.

“If I wanted an apple, I had to touch him; a sandwich, and he made me…suck on him. When I was old enough, I had to do other things, disgusting things, just so I could have a warmer coat or a pair of shoes. I was so hungry and scared I didn’t know how to make it stop.” Her voice broke.

I didn’t need the sordid details to know that fucker had sexually abused her. Memories of her crying in the bathroom when she’d watched me get sucked off by that waitress all made sense now. She wasn’t jealous that some bitch was down on her knees; she was reminded of her past reality, and I was too fucking selfish to see it. I wished I could turn back time and take back all that fucked-up shit I’d said to her in that parking lot. I was a callous cunt of a man who let her down, just like everyone else.

“What happened to your brother, Landon?”

“He died a short time after it all started. It was just past his seventh birthday.”

“How old were you when you finally got away?” I had to grit my teeth to keep my anger in check. My insides were boiling like hot lava ready to explode.

“I was seventeen, Max. Five years, and I never told a soul…until tonight.”

“And that’s why you’ve never been kissed.”

“I’ve never been with another man besides…HE was the only one, but it was never my choice.” Her confession gutted me but at the same time gave me hope. Hope that she would choose me the same way I’d chosen her, to be mine.

Your choices were taken from you, all your strength and free will. Kids don’t deserve that shit. I’m just helping to give it back.

I understand now, Buck. Goddamn it. I understand now.