HAVEN

One gentle touch on the hand, and my whole body went up in a ball of flames. A gesture so simple in its intent yet so powerful, I felt the sensation the entire length of my arm. Oddly enough, I didn’t find it revolting like I normally did when a stranger, especially a man, made contact with any part of my body. I hadn’t felt comfortable with another person’s touch in years, long before my brother passed away. My parents had always been very affectionate with us; hugs and kisses each morning and night right before bedtime. There was plenty of laughter to go around, family game nights, and home movies. I missed it, and I missed them. My brother and I no longer laughed once our cousin took us in. Instead, we cried. We didn’t play games; we became the game. Affection wasn’t something to look forward to at bedtime; it was the reason we hid under the covers and cringed when the lights went out.

I shook off those wayward thoughts and splashed cold water on my face from the bathroom sink. The morning had started out shitty and just got worse and worse as the hours passed. Next time, I’d think twice before agreeing to cover for the overnight nurse if this was the bullshit I had to look forward to. Hiding in the guest bathroom was the only way for me to take a little time to get my shit together before returning to the senator’s room. Plus, I wanted to give Max some time alone to spend with his father. The trip to the bathroom was a good excuse for running out like an idiot. His apology was so sincere; I believed him when he expressed regret for pushing me down. That alone was a change from the usual behavior around these parts; the very idea of apologizing to “the help” was a ridiculous standard never practiced by the rich. You work for me, which means I will do what I want however I want.

Max was different from the rest of the family. Well, to be fair, his mother, since the senator no longer spoke. I knew it was a ruse. He was rich, and the rich were all the same in my book. Narcissistic animals who only knew how to take from those they deemed weaker and less worthy. I read between the lines of that bullshit story Mrs. Lancaster told. Boarding school, my ass. Prison or rehab was most likely. In time, Max would show his true colors. The rich always did. Fortunately for me, I was immune to the bullshit. That brief zing the touch of his hand had created would soon be forgotten, along with the memory of this brief assignment. The senator was dying, that much was certain, and when he did, I’d move on to my next lucrative patient complete with a stellar recommendation given by Mrs. Lancaster. I just needed to keep my head down and do my job and not get swept away with silly possibilities and long-lost sons. Simple.

Confident that my little freak-out was behind me, I made my way back to the senator’s room, ready to finish out my shift and get the hell outta there. It was well after two in the afternoon; three more hours and I was free as a bird, at least until Monday. An angry voice coming from just inside forced me to pull up suddenly and stop before entering. Max was still visiting with the senator. I didn’t know whether to leave and come back or just wait until I felt it was a better time to interrupt. It was Max’s words that were the deciding factor:

“Guess you can’t run from me now, can you, motherfucker? Look at you, pissin’ in a bag, IVs stuck in your arms, lying there drooling like a teething toddler. Do you know who I am, fucker? Look at me!” Max was talking to Senator Lancaster, but it definitely wasn’t a happy reunion.

“Do you know how many times I tried to tell you about what they were doing to me? How many times I just wanted to run into your precious office and beg you to help me? Where were you, huh? What was more important than your own son? I fucking needed you to be there, but what did you do? You ran and kept running until I no longer gave a shit.”I heard something that sounded like a sob coming from Max before he re-grouped and continued. His voice was painful to listen to, but I couldn’t bring myself to step away. Not now.

“Did you ever wonder what happened to me, Senator? Where I went or what I was doing?”He laughed, but it was self-deprecating. I wondered what the senator’s answer would have been if he still had the ability to speak. I tried to ignore the nagging curiosity building within my overactive psyche. I wasn’t getting paid to have an opinion on such things, but I found myself eager to hear the rest of what he had to say. Did he go to jail for a few years, was recently released and had nowhere else to go? Did he drop out of boarding school and backpacked across Europe for several years? Perhaps he was married six times and had ten children by eight different women? Whatever he had done with his life, I’m sure it was unprincipled in nature. It was unavoidable; the rich were reared to covet depravity, like it was their birthright.

“You don’t deserve to know the good things that happened in my life, asshole. I won’t ease your guilt on your way to hell, but I will tell you this…I didn’t need you then, and I don’t need you now. I had a father, the best fucking father in the world. He taught me all the things you should have, like how to be a man, a man who takes care of their own, something you knew nothing about. If there’s anything left inside that rotted brain of yours, hear me, fucker…I don’t forgive you.”

His angry declaration sent me reeling, so much so I had to brace my arms on my legs to stay upright. God, how I wished I’d had the fortitude to say the things he said at the time they needed saying. I had no idea what the senator did that was so unforgivable, but the power in denying absolution to someone who clearly didn’t deserve it must have felt so liberating. I was in sheer awe of the strength it took to finally take that step to emotional stability. Max was a stranger to me, yet I felt a kindred spirit in that moment, as if we somehow connected on a much higher plain, even though he had no idea that it actually happened. I could never tell him of the gift he gave me; it was mine to relish and appreciate for the rest of my life. His words would be my strength when the dark days invaded my heart and my memories became too much to handle. Remembering them as a wish for myself, I repeated them, “I don’t forgive you.”

“What the fuck are you doing here? Were you listening?” Holy shit, he scared me. I didn’t realize he was finished and was standing right in front of me. I had to play this off and diffuse this, or I could be in a lot of trouble.

“No, of course not, Mr. O’Neill. I was just coming back to finish out my shift.”

I was good at lying, through necessity. I had to be. I wasn’t proud of that fact. I hated it, and I hated lying to Max more than I cared to admit. It took him a minute of searching my eyes for any signs of deceit before he finally let it go with a quick chin lift.

“If you’d like more time to visit, I could come back if you want? The senator isn’t due for his next vitals check for another hour or so.”

“No, that won’t be necessary, Heaven. I’m done with this shit.” He waived his hand toward the direction of the senator’s bed. I breathed a sigh of relief that he didn’t press the eavesdropping issue, but his continued use of calling me the wrong name rubbed me the wrong way, so I called him out on it.

“It’s Haven, sir, not Heaven. H.A.V.E.N, or do you need to go back to boarding school to learn the alphabet?” It came out harsher than I’d intended, but instead of acting offended, Max gave me a small smile and shook his head in disbelief.

“Come on, Heaven, you and I both know that boarding school story was a bunch of bullshit. I pegged you as someone smarter than that.” He had a point.

“I just—” He interrupted before I could finish.

“And I know full well what your name is…Heaven.”

I didn’t have time to stand there and argue with this fool. If he wanted to call me Heaven, well, fuck it. I wouldn’t be around long enough for it to matter anyway. I’d been called worse, so it wasn’t exactly a hardship. Now that the small talk was over and I was convinced he didn’t know I’d been listening to his conversation with his father, it was time to cut this short and get back to work.

“Ok, then. I’ve got to get back to the senator. Have a good rest of the afternoon, Mr. O’Neill.”

“I would really appreciate it if you called me Max.”

He bent at the waist and bought his bearded face inches in front of mine. He was so much taller than my five-foot-six-inch frame. His deep voice sent a shiver down my spine and my nipples perked to attention. Good thing this uniform was loose enough to hide that embarrassing fact. Just Biology, not arousal.

“If you insist…Max.” Did he just moan…again? What’s with this guy?

“See, isn’t that better than Mr. O’Neill?”

It was, so I smiled and slipped past him. I had to distance myself before one of the other staff members caught us talking; it wasn’t professional to carry on like that. One look at the senator’s bed, and I could see that he was no longer sleeping soundly. His eyes had a sheen to them as if he had been crying. That’s impossible, Haven, get your shit together. I grabbed my stethoscope and clipboard and chanced one more look at Max standing by the door. He took one last pointed look at the dying man in the hospital bed, turned, and walked away with certainty.