PAST

I walked out of my office less than an hour after I’d arrived this morning. I gave my secretary instructions to cancel all my meetings and reschedule them for a later time, preferably never. My concentration was non-existent, my clients and their many problems the furthest thing from my mind. Weeks after receiving that voice mail from my mother, and I still couldn’t shake it from my thoughts. I’d tried everything to keep my shit in check, but my usual pursuits left me more and more frustrated and unsatisfied. Even Marci with her wonder pussy and talented mouth wasn’t enough to tamp down my vexation. Range was constantly on my back about allowing strangers into the house, especially now that he’d found the girl of his dreams. He had some fucking nerve trying to regulate my cock and where I was putting it. The junkyard was my home just as much as it was his. It was his fault that Buck decided to leave the junkyard and move to the mountains; he had always been jealous of our relationship and couldn’t stand to see us together. Sebastian and Mem weren’t much better, always taking his side, kissing his ass like he was God Almighty. They could all rot in hell for all I cared. No one would control me ever again.

I drove around in circles, no real destination or purpose to think of, my anger so palpable it was a living, breathing thing that rode along with me like a dark cloud that hovered in the backseat. I thought about Range and his perfectly constructed life, always reliable and hardworking. He didn’t know the shit I’d had to deal with in my life. Everything had to be his way or the fucking highway. He’d finally decided to stop fucking around and settle on one bitch, and now he wanted the rest of us to fall in line. He didn’t know how hard it was for me to have to watch Buck turn over the reins to the junkyard and walk away. He’d gotten what the fuck he wanted, and the rest of us had to suffer through it. Memory was off serving our country, bonding with an entirely new band of brothers. He didn’t need me anymore. He turned his back on all of us, including the girl who loved him more than anything else in this world. Family loyalty meant shit to him, just another credo to shout out when he sat around with his marine buddies. He never cared that I needed him here, with me, instead of fighting some foreign insurgents hell-bent on killing everybody.

Instead of talking with me when he had a problem, Sebastian confided in his mother for just about everything. He liked to pretend that he had it bad, since he’d never had a father around, but he had something that none of us ever had: a good mother. He never once considered that bragging about what his mother did or what she thought would leave a sour taste in my mouth. The only thing my mother ever did was drag me down a dark basement so some sick pervert could play in my ass while getting his jollies off. His mother was a fucking saint compared to that shit, but did he care about me? Fuck no. He never gave a damn about me, just what he could take and control. He wasn’t my friend or my brother; he only pretended to be, just like the rest of them. I wouldn’t give them what they wanted, ever.

My phone rang just in the nick of time to stop me from beating the shit out of my dashboard. My hands shook with so much rage it took several tries before I could engage the Bluetooth to answer it. Whoever it was had about two seconds before I hung up on their ass.

“Yeah?”

“What the fuck’s eating you?” Shit, it’s Buck. Just what I need.

“Nothing.” I took a much-needed deep breath then exhaled loudly. “Just tired, I guess.”

“Well, get your little ass un-tired. Got a call, don’t like what I’m hearin’. What the fuck you been doin’, boy?”

Great. Talking to Buck would normally lighten my mood, but today, it was just pissing me off further.

“Let me guess. That snitch-ass motherfucker Range told you one of my guests scared his little bitch girlfriend, and you’re calling me to find out why? Well, everything’s fine, thanks for your concern.” He didn’t respond right away, but the chill coming from the other end of the line had me searching for a safe spot to pull over so I could check my underwear. Buck was deadly silent, which was more frightening than if he was standing in front of me where I could see him. Buck was the type of man who would sneak into my bedroom window in the middle of the night without a sound and slit my throat. My fear was unsubstantiated, of course. I’d never witnessed any acts of violence on Buck’s part, but I’ve also never seen an eclipse but know they exist.

“I’ll give you that one, boy. Now answer my fucking question and tell me what’s going on.” His voice was deceptively low and gravely. I had one chance to correct my mistake, or all hell would break loose.

“Everything’s fine, Buck, just work shit, you know. Nothing new there. I’m just dealing with a seriously fucked-up client, and it’s been difficult.” I was lying through my teeth. I wasn’t ready to discuss the phone call or the growing agitation I’d been feeling over the last few weeks. I had to learn to control it on my own and not involve my father every time shit started to go south in my life. I had plenty of time to sit down with Buck and calmly discuss the shit storm that was brewing once I got a handle on it myself first.

“Work shit, huh? You must think I fell off the back of a turnip truck, boy. You think I’m stupid or sumptin’? Work ain’t ever been a problem. You forget, I know you better than you know yourself. Now cut the bullshit and talk to me.” Fucking Buck. Too smart for his own good, which was why we’d never been able to lie to him when we were kids. We eventually just gave up and always went with the truth, which was easier in the long run anyway. Buck was always smarter, apparently still is.

“It’s nothing, Buck, just some old shit from the past I’ve been trying to work through. Nothing to be concerned about, okay? I promise. Next time Range decides to act like a bitch and call you to complain, just send him back my way instead of worrying yourself, old man.” That was as much of the truth as I was willing to share, at least for today.

“Hmm.” Shit. Not good.

“I made a decision a long time ago, felt it was somethin’ you needed, somethin’ I needed. Life dealt you a shitty hand, boy, fucked you up real good and hung you out to dry. You needed more than the other boys, something only I could give you, proof of just how special you were to me. Gave you my strength when I trained you to use your weapon. It will protect you always, boy. Gave you my soul when I brought you into my yard and bonded you to your brothers. Call on them whenever you lose hope. The pledge of brotherhood will always be true. Believe in it.” Buck spoke with such grit it shook me to the very core, like the finest crystal, the slightest touch, and I’d shatter to pieces.

“You needed a name, one that would tie you to me for the rest of your life. Gave you my heart when I named you O’Neill after my mother. She was the strongest person in the world to me, taught me how to fight for what I wanted. The past is like a bad case of herpes, boy. You carry it with you, most days forgetting it’s there, until the day it decides to flare up and burns your dick to dust.”

“Well, thanks, Buck, I’ll try and remember that.”

“You’re fucking up big time, boy. Get your shit straight, or you’ll be seeing me real soon. You feel me?”

Buck hung up without saying anther word, his typical way of saying good-bye. I sat quietly on the side of the road and thought about the mess I was making of my life. Before I knew it, the sun was setting over the horizon and hours had passed since my conversation with Buck. His words echoed over and over again inside my muddled brain. Rely on your brothers, he said, but how could I when their actions made them untrustworthy? He said I had strength, but why did I feel so weak? I made a promise to visit him in the mountains for a few days and talk things over with him the right way, in person. I missed him desperately, and the time away would do wonders for my mood. Fresh air and solitude, plus alone time with Buck were just what I needed.

If I could make it another few weeks, I’d have him all to myself.