PAST

“What the fuck are you talking about leaving? You can’t fucking leave. This is bullshit, Buck.”

Memory had arrived yesterday on leave from Afghanistan, so Buck had decided to call us all into the junkyard for a meeting. It wasn’t strange of him to do that. Buck hated repeating himself more than once; having us all together meant he could deliver his speech and be done with it.The old bastard decided to drop an atomic bomb on us and announced that he’d decided to move to the mountains by him-fucking-self and leave the yard for us to look after. We were all standing around shocked as fuck, but for me, it was more than that. I was pissed way the hell off. He’d lied to me, made promises he had no intention of keeping, just like everyone else in my life. So what if we were old enough to live on our own? So what! I needed him here, and he’d fucking promised to always be there for me. He already had his saddlebags packed and his chopper idling in the driveway. He’d planned the whole thing without a single thought to what any of us felt about it, and I wanted answers.

“I can’t run this yard without you, Buck. What if something happens?” Range had that shit well in control and he knew it. He’d been pretty much running the place for the last year without Buck’s help and knew all the ins and outs of the business.

“You need me, I’ll be here. Anytime of the day or night,” Buck told him with confidence.

“What if you choked on a chicken bone or something? Who’s going to be there to help you? According to statistics, choking is the fourth leading cause of unintentional injury death. Living alone increases those risks, Buck. That’s why mother and Aunt Enid eat together every night.” Sebastian and his bullshit logic. Choking was the last thing Buck had to worry about. What were the odds on me beating that old bastard’s ass and living to tell about it? That was the better question.

“Don’t worry, boy, if I start to choke, you’ll be the first person I’ll call.” Buck shook his head and smiled. Not a full-blown smile but one of those rare Calhoun ones that only appeared once every ten years.

“Stay safe, old man.” That was all Memory had to say. His time served in the military was having a negative effect on his already salty personality. He’d grown quieter, more reserved since we’d been boys. I expected more resistance from him, or at least a goddamn comment other than “stay safe.” I couldn’t imagine the shit storm he’d had to face fighting for our country every day, but that didn’t stop me from plotting his payback for being a dick. Buck made his way around to each of us, a swift hug and a hard pound on the back for my brothers, but when it was my turn, I snapped.

“You selfish old fuck! You and all your big talk and life lessons can all go straight to hell. You never gave a damn about any of us. EVER! You just used us to get over killing your own son!” OOMPH

“All of you, get the fuck out…NOW!” I heard him yell to my brothers.

Buck punched me so hard in my stomach I temporarily blacked out and dropped down on one knee in a heap of pain. My brothers hauled ass out the back door, anxious to steer clear from the wrath of Buck Calhoun. Tears streamed down my face from both the hit and the cold, hard stare coming from the man who delivered it. He had every right to be angry with me for the shit I said, but dammit, I was angry, too. He had no right making that decision without speaking to us first. He knew how much I counted on him, needed him when things got rough. What was I supposed to do now? I couldn’t fight the shadow alone, not without Buck. He knew that and just didn’t give a fuck.

“Have I ever lied to you, boy?” I didn’t answer. Fuck him and his bullshit.

“Have I ever LIED to you?” His tone was more menacing. It chilled the room to below freezing. He wanted an answer, I’d give him one.

“Did you even stop to think about what this would do to me?” I was too angry to look him in the face. In all the years I’d been living with Buck, he’d never once struck us. Today, he made an exception.

“Give me your fucking eyes when you talk to me, boy. You know better than that. You talked big shit like a man, you take it like one.” I took a few deep breaths before I stood from the floor and balanced myself on unsteady legs. Buck was old, but he had a punch like a pound of concrete. I made a big mistake thinkin’ he would let me get away with mouthing off.

“Do you really think I would leave you boys if I thought you couldn’t handle it?

“I can’t, Buck, please don’t do this. I need you,” I cried like a pussy, but it couldn’t be helped. I knew once Buck made up his mind to do something, there was no changing it.

“There ain’t nothin’ left for me to teach you, boy. I’ve poured my heart and soul into you boys, and now’s the time for you to make me proud, prouder than I already am. Your weapon will give you strength, your brothers, heart, and this yard will always be your home.”

“It’s too soon, Buck. I can’t make it on my own, not against the shadow.” I begged him to listen to reason and give up this foolish idea of living in a stupid cabin all alone. Buck played the role of the badass biker, but he needed us just as much as we needed him. He grabbed the back of my neck, his cold stare had warmed over the last few minutes, and spoke calmly and directly to my wounded heart.

“You’re strong, boy, strong enough to have survived the worst shit imaginable, and you thrived. You did that all on your own. You have to start believing in yourself, Max, inside.” He pressed his other hand to my chest and held my neck with the other. I grabbed him and held him close. Just a few minutes longer.

“I…I love you, Buck,” I whispered.

“Hmm,” was his only reply.

Buck tore himself away from my death grip, walked to his bike, and drove away. There were so many things I wanted to say, things I hadn’t had the chance to share. The message I’d received from my mother was something I’d been meaning to talk to him about, and now it was too late. I’d lost my chance. He said I was strong enough to handle things on my own; he was wrong. Without Buck, I was that twelve-year-old boy who ran away from home, so afraid of the dark I wet the bed. The confident man who ran a successful business died a slow tragic death with one twist of a throttle.

Minutes, perhaps hours after Buck’s departure, the boys returned to find me sitting in the living room alone, staring into space. I felt so lost, the crippling emptiness so powerful I wasn’t sure if I was actually breathing, since I couldn’t feel my heart beating in my chest. The boys quietly took separate seats and surrounded me, but I barely acknowledged their arrival until Range called out my name.

“Max? Buck will be back, you know. Until then, we’ll always have your back.”

“Fucking right, we will. Remember, we’re blood brothers…till death,” Memory chimed in with his two cents. They were doing their best to comfort me, but they couldn’t know the depth of my feelings. As much as I appreciated the effort, they were wasting their time, and mine. I sank deeper into my own head until a strange melody surfaced out of the blue. It was familiar, like I’d heard it before. It was playing in my head on repeat, low at first, then stronger as time went on. I started to feel a sense of security and protection the more I strained to listen. It was a child’s lullaby that was so debauched my cock began to strain inside my pants. This was wrong, all wrong. I had to get the hell outta there before my brothers found out just how fucked up I truly was.

“Well, at least with Buck gone, we won’t have to worry about him clogging up the toilet with shit and screaming for one of us to bring him the plunger.” Sebastian had a point, but I couldn’t stay and join in on the collective laugh. My skin was on fire along with my rock-hard cock, both of which had me running for the door.

“Where the fuck are you going, Max? We got shit to talk about,” one of them asked, but I didn’t stop long enough to see which one it was.

“Out.” That was all they needed to know.

I was in my car headed for the one person I knew was always willing and able to handle anything I threw at her. I’d been fucking Marci since high school. The word ‘no’ had never been a part of her vocabulary. My dick had been in every hole she had to offer, and tonight, I’d need them all for what I had in mind. I grabbed my cell from out of the cup holder in the car and made the call. I was minutes away from her place, and she’d better be there.

“Well, hello, there, stranger. What can I do you for?” Her sex kitten voice was so annoying I wanted to scream at her to shut the fuck up, but instead, I got right to the point.

“Meet me at your pool house in fifteen, and Marci? Call a friend.”

“You got it, handsome.” I hung up on her nasty ass and hit the gas heading east like my life depended on it.

It was gonna be a long night.