Chapter Twenty-Five
Evie
It’d been three days since I saw Dr. Seaback and had started to wean myself off the Adderall. The doctor appointment and bloodwork had been draining. Maybe it was because I didn’t get much sleep the night before, or maybe because I’d finally admitted that I had a pill addiction. Either way, when we’d gotten back to Nicky’s apartment, I’d face-planted on his mattress and promptly fell asleep.
In the days that followed, I’d been moody and more tired than I’d ever felt in my life. But I’d also felt good, like for the first time in a long time, my life was headed in the right direction. Dr. Seaback had helped connect me with a therapist, and I had my first appointment later in the week. I still wasn’t sure if any of this would stick. But Nicky believed in me, and I wasn’t currently searching his house for more pills. One day at a time, right? Wasn’t that the addict’s motto?
Nicky and I slept next to each other every night, and I knew he was spending way more time away from Revival Ink than he normally did. We hadn’t kissed again. Hell, we barely touched. I knew he was keeping his distance because he thought it was the right thing to do, and maybe it was. But I still longed for him to hold me.
Currently, we were sitting on Nicky’s couch, Chinese takeout spread out on the coffee table in front of us and Ollie curled up between us. We were watching another history documentary in comfortable silence. I had my cell in my hand, and I’d been contemplating going through all my missed calls and texts for the last thirty minutes. After my appointment with Dr. Seaback, I’d turned it off. I could only deal with so much of my fucked up at one time. But I knew putting it off any longer wasn’t going to make it any easier to handle. I took a deep breath and swiped it open.
We’ll start with the easy stuff first. I had two missed calls from my mom, and one from my sister. I sent them quick messages letting them know I’d call in the morning and that I loved them. I had voicemails from Collin…yeah, wasn’t going there. Now, on to the texts.
Beau: Did you call Avory? Or Crue?
Beau: I’m guessing since you aren’t returning my texts, that’s a no.
Beau: Are you alive? Were you really kidnapped? I’m starting to worry about you. Answer me, or I’m coming up there to hunt you down.
Luckily, his last one had come through only a few minutes ago.
Evie: Here, alive and well. Sorry, haven’t had a chance to call Crue or Avory yet, but I will. Promise.
I pressed send and then moved on down the list.
Maykin: Thanks for telling me about Bleu. I love the shit out of my new tattoo. But, um, he said he’s never worked on you before? He said Nicky did all your work. Is Nicky that hot AF dude that was following you around at the shop the other night?
Maykin: I went by my studio and you weren’t there. What’s with the constant disappearing act lately?
Maykin: Ooooooooo are you hooking up with the other hot tattoo guy? You lucky little bitch.
Maykin: Earth to fucking E. Come up for air and let me know you’re alive. I think we’re all headed to the Truck Yard tonight. We can share a car.
Maykin: Jesus H Christ. Where are you? I’m about to call Bleu and have him ask his friend if he’s seen you.
Maykin: Okay. So you ARE with Nick. Damn girl, good for you.
“Did Bleu call you looking for me a few days ago?” I glanced up from the too-bright screen on my phone, nudging Nicky with my foot.
He caught it in his hand and put it in his lap. “Yeah. He said Midge was worried about you? I assumed he meant Maykin.” Ollie must have not liked our conversation disturbing her sleep. She hopped down and headed toward the bedroom. “Should I have not told him where you were? I figured since you were planning on hiding out at her studio it was okay.”
“No, yeah, it was fine.” I shrugged, stretching my other leg out and resting both my feet in his lap. “Maykin is probably the closest thing to a real friend I have at this point.” Which would have been sad if she wasn’t such a badass. I turned my attention back to my cell, choosing not to focus on how domestic and coupled up it felt to be hanging on the couch with Nicky like this.
Maykin: Collin is looking for you. He seems pissed.
Maykin: He’s called me five times, and the girls said he’s been by the Kappa house twice.
Evie: I crashed out in Nicky’s car before he could drop me at your studio. I’ll be home soon. Sorry about Collin, send him to voicemail and I’ll deal with his bitch ass later.
I scrolled through Chasity’s texts, basically all nosey AF questions about where I was and letting me know Collin was looking for me. I had several other party invites and questions about the officers’ dinner I was helping throw this upcoming weekend. Ugh. That was gonna suck.
I took a deep breath and opened Collin’s messages.
Collin: Hey, princess, let’s meet up for lunch later. I miss you.
Collin: Where the fuck are you? I went by the house to get you and no one’s seen you since you left for brunch with me on Sunday.
Collin: Goddamn it Evie. This is getting ridiculous, no one has seen or heard from you in three fucking days.
Collin: Do you know how pathetic I look calling around asking if anyone’s seen my girlfriend?
Collin: Whatever, do what you want but your ass better be dressed and ready on Tuesday at 7:00 sharp. We have the officers’ dinner. I’m being honored for fuck’s sake. You’ll be there. Don’t push me on this, princess.
I had no idea how Collin was going to take it when I broke up with him next week instead of playing our usual sick game. I couldn’t get out of the dinner. I was co-chair. It was a fancy as hell occasion to induct the new officers into our sorority and our brother fraternity, aka the frat Collin was the newly elected president of.
Evie: I’ll be there.
“What’s got all those lines forming on your forehead?” Nicky put his hand on my shin, drawing my attention away from the shitstorm brewing in my phone.
“Nothing.” I clicked it off, but when I went to sit it on the coffee table he hit the back of my hand, sending my cell sailing through the air and right into his waiting palm. “Nicky. Please don’t.”
“Tell me what’s going on and I won’t.” When I opened my mouth to assure him everything was fine, he held his hand up. “Please don’t try to lie to me, Evie, not after everything we’ve gone through this week.” He was pleading, like I could easily break him with one wrong word.
He was right. He deserved the truth. He deserved to know the kind of person I really was, just how far I’d actually fallen. “There is this guy, and he’s always had a thing for me. But he’s a dick, literally the worst kind of person.” I bit at my bottom lip, stalling for a second to find my voice. “Finals this semester kicked my ass, and I ran out of Adderall pretty quick. He had what I needed and the second he realized it, he had me cornered, I guess.” I could feel Nicky’s hand tightening on my leg. He didn’t like where this was heading. And neither did I. “It wasn’t so bad at first. It was amusing, the way he thought he could win with me. I liked giving him shit and watching him fight to keep his cool.”
“But then?”
“But then, it became less fun. And after I saw you again, it became unbearable.” I shook my head, hating myself so fully in that moment it was all consuming. “I’m not doing what he wants, and he’s pissed. It’s all about image to Collin.”
“Collin.” He nodded slowly, a humorless smile on his face. “That was the guy you and Maykin were talking about. The guy who gave you the pills. The guy you were with on Sunday?”
“I had brunch with him and his parents, then I met up with him later for drinks. That was the deal this time. I make my appearances and he’d give me the pills.”
Nicky closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. I could see his barely contained anger brewing under the surface. I tried to take my legs out of his lap, but his grip only tightened. “So your boyfriend is your dealer?”
“Actually, my doctor is my dealer. Collin is supplemental, and he gives me the downers.” That was how I kept it all straight in my head anyway. That was how I justified my fucked-up life.
“Do you sleep with him in exchange for pills?” Nicky’s voice had a hard edge to it, one I’d never heard before.
“It’s not that simple.” And it wasn’t. Collin and I were, for all intents and purposes, dating. He’d taken me home to meet his parents, although he’d never get the privilege of meeting mine.
“Do you love him?”
I snorted, even though this was not a comical situation. “God no. I can’t even remember the last time I felt lukewarm like for the guy.”
“But you have sex with him.”
He didn’t pose it as a question, yet it seemed like he wanted an answer. “I have had sex with him, in the past. It’s been a couple weeks though. Now he finds some random chick to hook up with because I keep begging off.”
“Jesus, Evie. Do you hear yourself right now?” Nicky got to his feet, his face a mask of disbelief. “Your boyfriend cheats on you, but that’s okay because you can’t stand to fuck him? What the hell?”
I stood up as well—this was no longer one of those sit-down discussions. “I know it’s a little twisted, but what’s the big deal? He wanted me on his arm, I wanted his pills.”
“The big deal is you were basically whoring yourself out to feed your addiction.”
My jaw dropped open in outrage. “I was not.”
“Oh, okay. What would you call fucking a guy you can’t stand so that he’ll keep you in a steady supply of Adderall and Vicodin? Hm? What would you call it, Evie?”
I threw my hands in the air, getting more amped up by the second. “Look. We both know that my life is a little left of ordinary at this point. Collin was fun for a few minutes, and then he wasn’t. But he had what I needed and he had me by the balls.”
“He had you by the balls or he had his balls in your mouth?” Nicky had his head cocked, mocking me and making me want throw something else.
“Are you slut-shaming me? Grow the fuck up, Nick.”
“Oh I need to grow up?” He pointed at his bare chest, his finger landing on the large bird’s tail feathers. “Really?”
“Are you really going to stand there and tell me that you’ve never fucked someone you didn’t like?” I pursed my lips. “Because it seems to me that a ‘tattooed god’ would no doubt get plenty of strange.”
“I never fucked anyone I hated.” He shook his head. “I’ve never fucked someone as payment.”
That last comment hit me in the gut a little, but I was too angry to stop now. I stepped closer to him, getting in his face. “Everything was fine before I saw you again. I had it handled until I saw your stupid face. And then all of sudden the thought of Collin touching me wasn’t annoying, it was revolting.”
“Stop blaming this shit on me.” He cut his hand through the air. “You were already out of control before you walked into my shop, but you were too high to notice,” he scoffed. “I don’t understand how you can do that to yourself, how you can be with someone like that. How did you fall so far?”
He was making me feel like shit, and he was breaking my heart. “If I could go back and change the things I’ve done I’m not proud of, Collin wouldn’t even be the first on the list.” I held his gaze, refusing to look away.
“He hurt you; he wanted to keep you down and addicted. He had you right—”
I tossed my head back, letting out an irritated groan. “Why are we still talking about Collin? He was a mistake. He was a means to an end. Who the fuck cares at this point?”
“I do.” Nicky yelled, the sound echoing off the walls.
I matched him, decibel for decibel. “Why?”
“Because I’m fucking jealous.” His hands were in the air, his chest heaving. “Because you ran to him when you left here. Because he would rather see you die than get you help. Because knowing someone else touched what’s mine is making me want to fucking punch a hole through the fucking wall.” He tossed his arms out wide, his tone softening. “Whether it makes sense or not, whether it’s right or wrong…you’re mine, little bird.
“Faults, flaws, and all. You’re mine.”