Can I be completely honest with you, man?” Jayce asked, holding the punching bag in the gym on the top floor of the stacked condos John and Peter had called home for the last few months.

Peter eyed his friend before throwing a punch at the bag. Shaking down the few scumbags left in the city with any tangential connections to Lake wasn’t cutting it. He needed an outlet for his aggression, especially since he had been spending time away from the only person capable of calming him down.

John still hadn’t forgiven him for storming out of the doctor’s appointment, and how could Peter blame him? He’d acted like a child and he knew it, but he couldn’t stay. That sonogram and hearing his baby’s heartbeat had made it impossible to maintain the cognitive dissonance he needed to stay firm on his commitment to John’s health. It was torture, and he didn’t want to know if the baby was male or female or a goddamn puppy. It was killing John. Every day that passed, he watched his mate’s health fade as his hope grew and he couldn’t take it.

But he couldn’t make himself numb again, either. That pattering rhythm was lodged deep in his brain and it haunted him every waking moment, making his heart feel things he couldn’t tolerate. He just fucking couldn’t.

“What?” he growled. He knew he was loads of fun to hang out with those days, always on a hair trigger, ready to explode on anyone who was unlucky enough to be around. Anyone but John. John got his silence, but he had enough control, enough decency at least that he hadn’t taken his anger out on his mate. He never would.

Yes, John was strong. Yes, John had risked his life for his job countless times and yes, he could hold his own whether Peter wanted to admit it or not, but he was still his mate. It didn’t matter that he wasn’t an omega. He didn’t need to be fragile for Peter to want to treat him that way.

“You’re being a total fucking moron,” Jayce said, his tone as flat as the last bag Peter had broken taking out his frustration over the fact that he’d hit another dead end with Lake. The last he’d heard, the Alpha had been on a flight to Moscow, and without being willing to drop everything and leave his pregnant mate behind, there wasn’t a damn thing Peter could do about it.

Sure, Lake was retreating, but that wasn’t good enough. It wouldn’t be until he was knocking down the gates of hell where he belonged.

“Thanks for that. Here I am paying a shrink five-hundred bucks an hour to help John and I could’ve just put him in front of you so your infinite wisdom could solve all his problems.”

Jayce rolled his eyes. He was untouchable in the feelings department. It was one of the reasons he and Peter were friends, because he didn’t break easy, but it made him a royal pain in the ass at the same time. “You don’t have to like it, but it’s the truth. You know it, too.”

“Of course I fucking know,” Peter snapped. “I’m being a giant prick because I don’t have a choice. Either I’m the bad guy here, or I lose my mate. Which would you choose?”

Jayce’s expression softened. “I’m not saying I know what you’re going through. When my brother lost his first mate, it was hell on the rest of us and that’s nothing compared to going through it yourself. All I’m saying is that you guys can’t keep this up. Something’s gotta give.”

Peter grimaced. He wanted to argue. He wanted to punch his friend’s lights out, but deep down, he knew Jayce was right. He was only saying what the voice in the back of Peter’s head had been warning him of all along. “I know,” he said, grabbing a bottle of water and splashing some on his face before he drank the rest. Being sober sucked like a million-dollar whore, but it had been a reality check as to just how dependent he’d become on drowning his demons.

Now, he was just killing them by proxy and he knew that addiction wasn’t much better, even if he’d turned it into a career. He’d always known he would pay the price for hardening his heart, even if the process had begun when he was still innocent, but couldn’t he wait just a little bit longer?

“I know you’re scared,” Jayce said quietly. “I would be, too, but is this really about the baby, or is it about you trying to make up for what happened with Lake?”

Peter clenched his fist, but relaxed when he realized he didn’t have the energy to keep being this pissed anymore. Not when it was starting to eat into everything else, including his ability to be what John needed. What he’d promised he would be, if the beta just gave him another chance.

Some con that was. If John didn’t already rue the day they’d met, he was as crazy as everyone already suspected he was for being with Peter.

“I failed him,” he said, his voice wavering in disgust. “I let sentimentality cloud my judgment and John paid the price. I let Lake take him, torture him. What kind of Alpha can’t even protect his own fucking mate? What kind of mate would I be if I made that mistake again?”

Jayce’s brow furrowed in concern as he listened. “You showed mercy on someone you loved, and yeah, it bit you in the ass, but that’s on Lake, not on you,” he said in a gruff voice, so different from his usual playboy persona. “The Peter I knew back in the day never would have done that. Do you even know why you spared his life, Pete?”

“Because I was weak,” Peter growled.

“Because of John. Because the person you were back then and the person you became because of him are different,” answered Jayce. “You’re better now. Because of him. Take my word on it, this baby is gonna make you both better. You’re not gonna recognize the person you are a year from now in the best possible way.”

“You say that like there’s not a damn good chance I’ll lose him if he has this baby.” It was the first time he’d said the words out loud. This baby. His baby. He hated the way it made his heart soar even knowing what he did.

“John has made his choice, Pete, whether you like it or not,” Jayce said, looking him in the eye. There weren’t many people with the balls to do that in general, let alone saying the shit that was coming out of the other Alpha’s mouth. “If you don’t get your shit together, you’re gonna lose them both.”

Peter had never wanted to hug and kill someone at the same time. Maybe that was what it actually meant to be a brother. Not a bond forged from pain and obligation but choice and a willingness to say what needed to be said, even if the other person hated you for it.

But Peter only hated himself. He knew Jayce was right. He knew grasping at straws for control was just going to push John further away, not change his mind.

“I don’t know how to fix this,” he admitted. “Maybe it’s too late. I don’t know if he can forgive me.”

“He loves you. More importantly, he needs you.”

Peter nodded. He parted ways with the Alpha and went back downstairs to face his mate. He was still terrified of losing John, but doing things his way hadn’t worked. If he was going to lose John, he couldn’t let it be because he’d pushed him away.

He opened the door and found his mate at his computer, rubbing his eyes from exhaustion. Guilt clawed its way into Peter’s chest as he realized at least half the reason John had been throwing himself into work was because he needed a distraction from the constant friction in their relationship, just as Peter had thrown himself into hunting Lake.

“Hey,” John said in that wary voice that Peter knew so well now. The one that said he didn’t have the energy to fight anymore and knew that was probably where the evening was headed.

“Hey.” Peter closed the door behind him and summoned his courage. Facing a small army never made him sweat. Death? Just another day of the week. Facing his mate was what took guts, especially knowing how royally he’d fucked up. “Can we talk?”

John hesitated, and Peter couldn’t blame him for that, either. He closed his laptop screen and nodded. Peter walked over and sat down next to him on the couch, taking the beta’s hand. He’d get down on his knees if he had to. He owed John more than groveling. The beta always had been too good for him, in every way. His only imperfection was his inability to see it.

“I’m sorry,” he said, only realizing how inadequate that phrase was when he said it out loud.

“For what?” John asked nervously.

“For everything.” Peter swallowed his pride and his fear, deciding if he didn’t let the truth out now, they didn’t stand a chance. “For pushing you. For doubting you. For making you think I don’t want our baby, even if I’m terrified of losing you.”

John stared at him in shock. Peter was sure he’d said something wrong already. He always did. The more he needed to comfort John, to reassure him, the more likely he was to fuck up. “What…?”

He gulped. “I’m sorry if I said something —“

“No,” John murmured, tightening his grip on Peter’s hand. “You said our baby. You’ve never said that before.”

“Oh.” Peter paused, trying to remember his own words. “I guess I did.”

Hope shone in John’s eyes, making him feel even worse, but he had to keep moving forward. “I know you’re scared,” he said in earnest. “So am I, but I can do this, Pete. I know I can. I can see it so clearly, the three of us. How happy we’ll be. I just need you to trust me for a little while longer.”

Peter nodded, feeling like his world was crumbling around him. It was killing him, but he’d always said he would die for John. He’d just thought it would be in a literal sense.

If this went wrong, if he lost John, it would mean the death of his spirit, but forcing John to give up on his baby would kill him in a different way. Peter couldn’t live without him, but he couldn’t subject him to that, either. He felt like he was on the edge of a cliff with nowhere to go and nothing to do but fall and trust and hope that John was right.

“I trust you,” he said, clearing his throat. “It’s not something that comes easily to me.”

John smiled. It wasn’t a big smile, but it was real and in that moment, he felt like he could see a glimpse of the future John was so certain of. So willing to risk everything for. “I know,” he said, leaning to wrap his arms around Peter. He squeezed tight, his scent soothing the Alpha’s doubts the way only his presence could.

“I love you,” John whispered. “We’re going to get through this. You’ll see.”

He was trying, but in the end, he decided he’d just have to take John’s word for it.