Chapter TWENTY-SIX

 

Elizabeth

 

I sighed and stretched my legs on the chaise lounge. Maybe it was a mistake to request an extra consultation on a Saturday morning. Even so, the fact was that I needed to vent, and Dr. Kent was available when I called her after a sleepless night

“Beth, you need to speak if you want me to be here. You said it was important. What happened? You seem troubled.”

“I tried to forget and deal on my own with the fear that consumes me. Still, I can't. I just want to destroy everything and harm myself. I know it isn't right. I also know I will continue to have mood swings, but this is unbearable.”

“Why don't you share this with your mate. I am sure Prince Eric will listen to you and help you deal with whatever is troubling you. Or did he do something that made you sad?”

I squeezed my hands together. “No. He has been perfect. I just don't wish to share my darkness with him. We have been good. More than good. But Eric is kind-hearted, and he won't understand my anger and despair.”

“You are free. Only your mind has the power to keep you locked up in the dark place you go when you are sad. Have you been writing down your thoughts and fears?”

I clenched my jaw. “I have. But I will need a new diary.”

Dr. Kent raised her perfect eyebrow. “Have you finished that one already?”

“I had an anger attack. I ripped the sheets apart and destroyed a few other things in my bedroom.” I gazed at her to see her reaction.

“Do you regret doing that?” I shook my head. “Why not?”

“I felt better after.”

“Violence isn't a solution for your anger. We've talked about this. You need to focus your energy in things that you love doing. Like dancing and learning how to fight.”

“At least I didn't harm myself.”

She crossed her legs and rested her notebook on her knees. “Did you want to?”

“Yes. I wanted to cut my wrists and bleed until I died.”

“Why?”

“It would stop me from thinking until I'd resuscitate again.”

She adjusted her glasses that were falling down her nose. “Then why didn't you?”

Puckering my lips, I leaned forward. “Have you ever died?”

“I am not a vampire, Beth. Plus, we've talked about you deflecting my questions. You need to be true, not just to me but to yourself. Analyzing the reasons behind your behavior will help you heal.”

“I know why I have anger attacks. I was raped for years. I killed innocents. I hate the fact that my tormentor is still alive.”

The therapist wrote down on her notepad. “Do you still dream of Alaric?”

“I don't want to, but my nightmares with him are constant. It doesn't help when a witch foretells my biggest fear.”

“Yes. Though witches tend to exaggerate. Especially when they are trying to make money in a fair.”

“She wasn’t faking the look of fear on her face.”

The doctor nodded. “Perhaps, but you’ve always talked about the fear of Alaric’s return to take you back. You just need to find comfort in the fact that your new family will keep you safe. Don’t you believe in that anymore?”

I sat up and glared at her. “For how long? He had no trouble in killing his older brother and chasing after Anna and Kevin for years because they were hybrids. He’s a monster. Who says he won't kill Eric when he finds out I’m his mate?”

Dr. Kent tilted her head down and glanced over the lenses of her glasses. “Is that your fear?”

I breathed deeply and felt my chest burn. “If something happens to Eric ... He isn’t ruthless enough to take down his brother.”

“Are you?”

“That's what scares me the most these days.” I bit my lower lip. “I will do whatever it takes to keep Eric safe. I used to love Marie more than life. Nevertheless, she broke my heart. Now my heart only belongs to Eric. I wish I was strong enough to prove him that.”

She squinted her eyes and leaned forward. “What do you mean?”

“I want us to be a real couple.”

“Aren't you a real couple? Aren't you dating and spending time together?”

“I want us to do more than kissing. How else will we be able to bond and have babies?”

“Have you talked about this with him?”

I sighed and leaned back. Folding my arms on my chest, I breathed out. “This is a waste of my time.”

“You wouldn't call me to meet for an extra session if you truly believed that.”

I puckered my lips. “I needed to talk to someone who doesn't judge me. But you can't possibly understand how I feel, and before you ask me why not, it is for the simple fact that you didn't experience the horror I did in my captors' hands.”

“I might not but I feel empathy for you and all the rest of the girls who survived. Talking about this is good for the soul. Plus, you know that I do more than listening.”

“I know, Dr. Kent. You are also my friend. I’m sorry. I am just in a foul mood today.”

“I am not happy for knowing that you have lost your temper and destroyed your journal. It shows that you are doubting your efforts in healing. I don't want you to relapse. If you truly want to be with your mate and make him happy, then stop doubting yourself and his ability to deal with your pain. The prince is engaged in being here for you. He comes to the sessions with you, and he does everything to make you happy.”

“I know that. He's perfect.”

“Are you looking for an excuse to hate him and reject your bond? Do you still feel unworthy?”

“No. I just feel that I need to protect him from my demons.”

“Why?”

I shrugged.

The doctor conjectured, “Do you want to know what I think?” She didn’t wait for my answer. “You always took care of your sister. Even when she didn't do the right thing. You let her get away with many mistakes. It’s partially your fault that she’s so spoiled and egocentric.”

I frowned. “I am the oldest. It's my job to protect her.”

“She tried to have you killed. She hates you because of her mate's obsession for you.”

“Your point?” I huffed.

“You need to stop carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. Let Eric take care of you for a change. Be vulnerable. Be honest. Tell him about your fears and dreams in what concerns the direction of your relationship. Let him decide whether your demons scare him or not. You’ll be surprised by what you can forgive yourself if you share your burden.”

“Maybe. Still, I hope someday that Marie can forgive me.”

“You haven't done anything wrong.”

I gritted my teeth with her statement. “I still feel as if it’s my fault.”

“We will talk about this some other time. I believe you had enough of sharing for today.”

I sat and looked at her. “Can I have a refill for the anxiolytics?”

“Where did the other pills go?”

“Down the drain. A few might be scattered around my bedroom.”

Dr. Kent sighed and headed for her desk. “I will give you a refill.”

Moments later, I exited her office only to find Eric sat in the waiting room.

“What are you doing here? How did you find out about my whereabouts?”

Eric got up and rushed to my side. “I saw the mess in your bedroom. I got worried. Then, I asked Rose where you were. It was a matter of calling the driver to find you here. As far as I know, you didn't have anything scheduled for today. What happened?”

“I got mad. Then anxious. I was afraid and revolted and lashed out.”

Eric’s eyes widened, and he became pale. “You shouldn’t have sent me away last night. We’ve been sleeping together, and you told me that you wanted me with you. Then we arrived home, and you asked to be alone.”

I shrugged. “It happens.”

He raked his fingers through his hair. “Something I think you don’t believe I can handle the dark truth of what happened to you.”

My face was emotionless when I talked. “Can you?”

He put his hands on my shoulders. “I’m here, am I not?”

I averted my eyes and stared at his chest in silence.

“Why did you destroy and burn your diary?”

“I didn’t want anyone to read what I had confessed there. I thought that destroying and burning would purge me.”

Eric drew me near and hugged me, placing his hand on my head. “Are you better now?”

“Yes. I will return home to clean my mess, and we can go to the festival later.”

“I rather stay home if you aren't in the mood.”

“I didn't want to disappoint the others. They will expect us there.”

Kissing the top of my head, he said, “We just need to be there tomorrow night before the wedding. You are more important than a party.”

Snuggling my nose against his chest, I mumbled, “Do you still love me?”

“More than anything in the world.”

I smiled and rested my chin against his torso as I tilted my head back to look at him. “Let's get out of here. I feel like to go for a walk in the garden and eat ice cream.”

His hand placed a strand of hair behind my ear. “I would love that. Then I 'll be happy to show you our home. We didn't have the opportunity last night. I’m eager to show you all I made for us, tonight.”

I replied, '“I would love that.”