I know the timing could have been better,” I said. “But I’ve been feeling this way for months now. I know how hard you try, and how hard you work, but everything that’s happened recently has just made me think more carefully about things and now I can admit that this relationship is just not what I want anymore.”

With my remaining good foot, I kicked at the ground and sent a white plume of beach sand into the air. I cleared my throat. No. This wasn’t meant to be some horrible confession, or a therapy session. I needed to just be honest, just say what I knew we had both been thinking.

“It’s not that I’m unhappy with you, Anthony, it’s just that I’m not exactly happy.” I kicked another plume. No, that sounded way too dramatic, even given the circumstances.

I couldn’t mention Todd. And really, Todd had nothing to do with it anyway. He was a catalyst, maybe. But only in the same way that the shipwreck itself was a catalyst. We would have broken up sooner or later, and sooner looked better to me now than letting Anthony get carried away building a whole future that deep down I didn’t want to live in anymore.

I turned to pace the other direction and kicked up yet another plume. My foot was still burning, still bleeding a little and more worryingly, a red rash from the deep cut was fanning up my leg towards my knee.

Maybe I’d end up losing more than a fiancé soon, who knew. He was the man who had wooed me harder than I thought was still in fashion. He had bought me countless gifts, picked out the names of our children and given me an engagement ring engraved with the coordinates of the exact spot we had met. But he was also the man who had given me countless bruises, and who had told me once in a drunken moment of honesty, that one of the reasons he was attracted to me was because he knew I wouldn’t mind taking a back seat to his life.

“I’ve thought about it, Anthony, and I’ve made up my mind. The engagement’s off,” I said, a little louder. Yes, that sounded good. The words of a woman who knew herself. A confident, sure woman. ‘No’ was a complete sentence, right? He didn’t need to know the details.

By the time I had reached my destination, I had whittled down my little speech to the bone: I wanted out, and no, I didn’t want to discuss it. End of story. The only thing missing now was Anthony himself – he had gone off to find food hours ago, and that was the last we had heard from him.

It was getting late. Everyone had spread off to do their own little tasks and slowly we were gathering again at our shelter. But Anthony was still AWOL. The bottom half of the sky was already getting a hazy, pink and blue tinge to it and he still hadn’t returned. I forbid myself from coming to any hasty conclusions.

I walked on and pushed through the leaves to find what I was looking for.

Ah, there it was.

Earlier, Carl and Livvy had shown me this small stream. I peeked over my shoulder to see if I’d been followed and then crept closer, quickly shrugged off my cocktail dress and dipped one tentative toe into the water. The cool water was a shock, but a welcome one. It felt scandalous, having the soft breeze stroking over my bare skin, and I lingered there for a moment, in my underwear, relishing how illicit it all felt. I reached back to unhook my bra and placed it carefully on a dry rock beside me, then took two careful steps out of my panties and lay them aside, too.

What I had done with Todd this morning was wrong, no doubt about it. But he wasn’t to blame. I stared down at the clear, glassy water around my calves. But who was to blame? I didn’t know where to draw the line on my mistakes. I shouldn’t have kissed him. I shouldn’t have been on that ship at all, knowing full well that our ‘last chance’ would never amount to anything. I should have never agreed to his proposal at all. Going further back, maybe the first mistake was getting involved with a man I knew deep down would kill me slowly.

The damn storm was to blame. And this water right here was also at fault. This was the reason why I had to end it with Anthony. This feeling of… I barely even understood it myself. But it was wild and raw and real and it felt so different from the way my life had played out so far that it scared me. I was hungry and wounded and about to end an engagement, and yet the truth was that the shipwreck was the single most exciting thing to ever happen to me. I felt alive. It was more than adrenaline, more than the novelty of the situation or even the fear of not knowing if any of us would live to see out the week.

It was …this.

I crouched down and sucked in my breath as the warm skin of my thighs and then my abdomen sunk deeper into the cold water. Underneath it, my body looked blurred, its edges skipping and sketchy, like I wasn’t quite so real underwater as I was up here. The air around me smelt of roots and the chemical tang of water. Why had I never skinny dipped in my life? Why had it taken me so long to realize how beautiful it felt to be naked in cool water in the forest?

I dunked down deeper still and submerged to the neck. Now, the silky ribbons of cool water threaded over me, past my arms, through my legs and all around as I moved slowly, creating only the quietest, tiniest of ripples. I lay my head back to dunk my hair and nearly gasped out loud at how good the water felt flooding over every last hair on my scalp. I shuddered hard as sharp goosebumps washed over me, tightening my nipples. I leant back and floated for some time, stuck in a daydream that involved the leafy rooftop of the forest above me, the bands of sun streaking through it and my vague new plan to be someone else, someone different and bursting with immense, grateful lust for life.

After a while I grabbed my dress, held it under the water and tried to wring and scrub the fabric, coaxing out a full day’s worth of salt and sand and sweat. I did the same to my underwear and then stepped halfway out of the pool to hang everything up on some thorny branches. When I sunk back into the water again, there was nothing but the faint drip drip drip of my drying clothes and the distant call of birds.

I lay back again and floated on my back, idly paddling my arms.

I would tell Anthony, and he would understand. He’d be hurt, of course. But I knew that he must have been exhausted, too. Tired of pushing me. Tired of waiting for me to be the model wife I wasn’t. He’d understand. He’d have to. It all seemed so simple now. Why did people have to hurt each other like this? I would miss Anthony with all my heart. But floating so still and peaceful here, that seemed only like the smallest of details. I needed to let him go, just as easily as I had taken off that dress that was once pretty, but was now torn and just didn’t fit me at all.

My hands went to stroke over my belly. The water made my skin feel supernaturally silky, so that my hands slid frictionless over. After the day I had had, this alga colored water in this little rock pool was worth more than the fanciest spa in the world. I was empty inside – we had eaten, but only barely, and if we stayed here much longer, we’d all start wasting away in no time. Like they had a life of their own, my hands slipped lower onto the curve of my upper thighs. I stroked up to my hips, then all the way down again. How perfect it was to be alive!

I moved watery fingers over my breasts, circling hardened nipples that poked through the film of water if I curved my back upwards. I arched and looked down to admire myself. Out here, my body seemed completely at home. My two hipbones pierced the water and brought with them the smooth, white mound between them, a dune in a mysterious white desert made of water. I watched the water pool in my navel, lap over the rounded swell of my breasts and glide over me I had been born in this forest pool.

What would my life be like, if I started fresh, right now? Who would I be if I wasn’t someone’s fiancé, wasn’t the boring old Ellie I had been trapped in for all these years, but somebody different, somebody as exciting and strange as the dark forest closing in all around me?

My hands then slipped between my legs and stroked delicately over the insistent ache that had developed there. My whole body felt like it was prickling awake, every inch of my skin almost as sensitive as that sweet little spot my fingers were now circling.

I stroked slowly, delivering the smallest, most delicious electric thrills all through me, so that I could see the water ripple out around me as my breath quickened and deepened. I shut my eyes and sunk into the dark wateriness behind my eyelids as well. I teased and rolled my fingertips faster, till I could feel my own slickness in the water, my body hot and swollen. I brought that aching, glowing spot to as much torment as I could stand, then froze and hovered, suspending myself above an orgasm that promised to be deep and intense. I forced myself to breathe one long, shuddering breath in and then out. Nearly weightless, there was nothing but perfect, frictionless pleasure threatening to submerge me completely.

I eased a single finger inside and paused there, enjoying the secret, slow play of cool and warm water that had me quivering for release. I told myself: this is it Ellie. When this orgasm hit me, I would surrender completely and let it kill me. On the other side of that juicy death would be something new. Life would be the same, but I would something else. Reborn out of this dark puddle in the forest, resurrected and anointed with nothing but the silky thick wetness streaming onto my fingers.

I came silently. The orgasm was like a deep kick inside, pounding through me so hard I gasped and staggered back to my feet, my knees trembling unseen in the dark water beneath me. I stood there silently letting it rip through me; the easy, smooth waves of pleasure felt so right. In time, the wavelets in the pool calmed down too.

By the time I finally slunk out of the water and wrung out my hair, the sky visible through the trees was getting darker. My dress was still wet, but it was a welcome sensation to have the damp fabric against my skin as I wriggled it back on. I was probably not much cleaner, but I felt amazing all the same. Fresh in spirit if not entirely in body.

I slipped my sandals back on, took a deep breath and headed back to our base camp. When I finally found my way back, I was pleased to see a great, roaring fire on the beach sand next to our little house. It almost looked like a party. Carl saw my smile as I came through the clearing of trees and waltzed up to me.

“Impressive, huh? The wood finally dried up so now things are looking a little homier around here,” he said and extended his hand to me.

Though I could walk much better now by myself, I still welcomed his help. Why not? I was the new Ellie now. Who knows what my new personality would end up becoming. We hobbled towards the fire, and I noticed how the pink and blue of the sunset had deepened now. The sun would set any minute now.

“Is Anthony back yet?” I asked, fully expecting him to tell me that it was Anthony who built the fire, and that he was just around the corner as we spoke.

“Uh…”

I looked at him and the little frown on his forehead.

“He’ll come back soon, I’m sure,” he said, in that way people say things when they’re not sure at all. I nodded and walked with him over to some logs that had been placed in a ring around the fire.

I could see Livvy a little way off, sitting cross-legged close to the water’s edge, doing what looked like meditation. Fine. I chose a log and threw myself down onto it, relishing how good it felt to have the fire’s warmth on the front of me while the cool memory of my little moment in the forest pool was still at my back.

“We have plenty of dry wood, which is great, and there’s not a cloud in the sky tonight so nothing to put it out. We’re all gonna sleep like the dead,” he said with a smile.

I hadn’t spoken much to Carl at all, but he seemed sweet enough. He wasn’t the best looking man you’ve ever seen but his face was open and thoughtful and he seemed friendly enough. Maybe, new Ellie could be super compassionate and kindhearted. Maybe I’d become a grizzled hippie and meditate on the beach as well. Why not?

“Hopefully not too much like the dead,” I said.

He laughed.

“Yeah, you’re right, that was a poor choice of words. But we’re OK. We’re going to be OK.”

I flopped my mangled foot out in front of me and stared down at it, unable to summon much affection for the bacon-colored rash threatening to take over my whole leg.

“Will we though?” I asked. “It’s just like …what happens now? It’s as though everything’s just …stopped. Like we’ve already died but we’re still hanging around somehow, with nothing to do.”

Maybe new Ellie would be super emotionally mature, and expressive. Maybe I’d be a poet.

He was chuckling.

“We have as much to do as we’ve always had, there are just fewer distractions now,” he said with a mischievous smile. It was my turn to chuckle.

“Well, that’s very sagely of you, Carl, but a few of those distractions right now would have been nice, don’t you think?”

He stretched out long on his own log, his heels digging a dark, damp stripe beneath him, as he stared unfocused eyes into the fire.

“Nah, not really. I have the most important person in the world to me by my side, and I’m alive and breathing …what more is there?”

“Wow …so you’re quite the romantic.” The image of him in the forest the day before sprung to my mind.

“Not at all. I’m a practical man. There’s so much noise in life, don’t you think? A lot of time-wasting, a lot of commotion. But at some point, you have to ask what’s really important. All the other stuff? It all sinks sooner or later, right?” he said with the same irreverent smile.

Maybe having a randy wife who was good for a romp anytime, anywhere was the secret to his supernaturally positive outlook.

I scoffed.

If I wasn’t feeling so tired and weak, I could be Zen about everything, too. I bet I could look at this whole mess like a cute sitcom: there was the hot SEAL trainee, the ball-busting tough girl, whatever Anthony was and this guy, some fool with the patience of a monk.

“So, what’s really important to you, then, Carl?”

He looked out over to the shoreline and answered immediately.

“Her.”

I wanted to laugh again and tell him what a ridiculous sap he was. It was ludicrous, waxing lyrical about his wife at a time like this, when we were isolated who knows where and on the brink of almost-certain death. But I couldn’t. A lump grew in my throat as I realized: maybe new Ellie wanted that for herself.

“Anthony and I …I think I’m going to call off our engagement.”

He looked surprised. But he didn’t say anything. He just kept staring into the fire with a serene look on his face. He felt safe to talk to. The others were well out of earshot, and, what the hell, we were beyond small talk by now.

“What you said about Livvy? About her being the most important thing in the world to you? Well… Anthony and I aren’t like that. Not even close. I love him. I actually do love him. But not in the way I need to, you know? I want the best for him, if that’s what love means. But I also know I can never be the one to give him that.”

It felt strange to just open up to him like this. But the moment I did, and the words were out there in the real world and not just my frazzled head, it felt good.

I stared into the fire with him.

“So, that’s why I’m going to tell him it’s over. I’ve been stewing over it all day. Something about this place, huh?”

“Yup. Like I said, it’s amazing what you notice when all the distractions are gone,” he said with a sad smile.

“I feel awful about it though. Like it’ll eat at me until I just get it over with, just tell him. But he’s not a bad man. I don’t want to hurt him… I don’t even know if…”

I couldn’t finish my thought.

“If he’ll even come back tonight?” he said.

We both fell back into silent staring again, our eyes glued to the yellow and orange swirls in the fire. The sun on the horizon was the same color, and if you watched carefully, you could almost see it moving before your eyes to lower down and dip into the water, like it was extinguishing itself. We watched in silence until it started to darken more seriously. Right now, the prospect of another night in the sand pit was almost appealing. I felt cleaner, lighter, and less panicked somehow.

“Thanks for talking with me.”

“Thanks for talking with me,” he replied and smiled.

Anthony didn’t come. Charlie appeared an hour or two later and said she’d had no luck finding him, and her news put a dark mood over an otherwise peaceful evening. Todd kept his distance from the fire, avoiding me by busying himself endlessly with this and that. I didn’t mind. I was grateful, even. Anthony being missing felt like just another hopeless mystery thrown onto an already impossible situation. I didn’t know when to start officially worrying. With a sickening feeling in my stomach, I realized that even when he did return, it would only be to take him off somewhere into the forest and quietly hand him back his ring.

New Ellie didn’t feel guilty about these things, though, I had decided. We were all weary enough that Carl, Livvy, Todd and I went to bed not long after sundown, with the agreement that we’d have to search for Anthony in the morning, when there was light to do so. A little way off from our pit, the fire died down somewhat but its embers still glowed as darkness fell. Charlie sat outside alone, watching the coals pulse a little as they faded.

Inside the pit, I had a strange thought that I had conjured Anthony clean out of existence somehow, by thinking so hard about breaking things off with him. Todd clung to the far side of the pit and ignored me. It hurt, but I reminded myself that it wasn’t fair to ask him to get involved in my mess. I could only imagine what he must be feeling, but running around and kissing in secret was just not a smart strategy. We pulled the roof over us and secured it, then settled down for the night. Without the threat of another storm on the horizon, the world felt mercifully still for a moment.

I had already fallen fast asleep when I felt Charlie’s breath in my ear. At first I thought it must have been Anthony, creeping out from the darkness, or maybe even my nightmares themselves, and coming to admonish me for my crimes. But it was her.

“Don’t you dare make a sound,” she hissed.

Before I could respond, I felt something sharp dig into my lower back.

“Charl--”

“I said shut up.”

My body tensed up as I tried to understand what was happening.

“You need to stay away from him,” she said, her voice thin and sounding dangerous in the night air.

“From who?” I whispered. The sharpness jabbed again into my lower back and I winced and tried to wriggle away.

“Try to stand up and I’ll sink this into your kidneys, I swear. You think that little scratch on your foot is a big deal? Don’t try me.”

My head raced. I was now wide awake. Why was she doing this? It was obvious she was jealous about Todd, but a knife? I didn’t even know we had a knife on the island. Her voice sounded deranged.

“Charlie, please, can we talk? This is crazy…”

The knife point didn’t budge. I wanted to cry.

“You know, I was thinking about it. I hate women like you. And I could have easily killed you for trying to get in the way. But you know what? I’ll be gone tomorrow morning, before you’ve finished doing your hair and make-up, so you can thank your lucky stars.”

Gone? Where the hell did she think she was going? I thought of reaching out and shaking Carl awake, but the knife point was already just a hair’s breadth from puncturing my skin, and the venom in her voice told me that any sudden movements would likely be rewarded with a stab. I could scarcely believe what was happening.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Charlie. I’m not standing in your way. Put that thing away and let’s talk…”

She poked me with it. I bit my tongue. She was pinned so close to me I could feel the rise of her chest and she inhaled.

“I don’t understand, what do you want?” I said, my voice laced with panic.

She laughed quietly in the darkness.

“Just to let you know that I’ve won,” she whispered.

There was no question about it. She was crazy. She sounded like an insane villain from a movie.

“Oh my god, what the hell is actually wrong with you?”

I could tell she was a little startled at my outburst. The others stirred but nobody woke up. The knife was pulled away from my skin and I heard her breathe again behind me, still far too close for comfort. I briefly considered turning around and grabbing her, fighting back, something. But she was much stronger than I was. And clearly insane. Instead I took a deep breath and did what I could: played it cool.

“Just go to sleep, Charlie” I said and settled back down on the grass mat.

Whatever her point was, she had made it. If she was literally insane, the last thing I needed was to provoke her further. She was delusional. Maybe she was having a breakdown. But if she wanted to really stab me she would have done it already.

I waited for her to say something more but she didn’t. Exhausted, I soon fell back to sleep, too tired to figure out if I was more insulted or more afraid at her ridiculous threat. She wasn’t going anywhere. None of us were.

And she had won? Well, congratulations, I guess. I had lost. I had lost everything. And if she wanted to stab me in the night like the crazy person she was, she was welcome to damn well try.