I stormed up and down the decks for a while. Every time we had an argument like this, things became clearer and clearer to me. It was hard to pin down at first. Hard to even notice. But I was beginning to finally understand.

It’s not that Anthony was super responsible and serious. It’s not just that I was used to high excitement and he was the more sober, more rational, more sane one of us and I just needed to adjust. It wasn’t even because of his anxiety. No. As I stomped up and down those boards outside under the open, fading blue of the sky, the fact was inescapable: it was because Anthony and I didn’t please one another. That and the fact that he was a controlling bully.

I reached the far end of the deck and turned around to do another lap after glancing at the sky. It was easy to see night coming on here, floating far out in the open sea. The long horizon was still packed with bunched clouds, but high overhead it was clear and starting to darken to deep blue. The first year I met Anthony, I didn’t notice how much work it was to simply enjoy his company. All of the second year, I felt like we were waiting for him to finish studying for the bar exam until we were allowed to have fun. The third year, we had learnt to schedule the pleasurable activities in on a shared calendar.

And now we were here. He probably thought that he could just optimize by giving me one good holiday every few years so I’d shut up about our relationship the rest of the time. That it would make me forget about all the other little things. The passive aggressive curfew on week nights. Him helpfully suggesting I give up eating carbs every three months. The hidden camera in our home that he claimed was for my ‘safety’.

I crossed my arms against the growing chill and walked on. In a few hours, the place would be buzzing with parties. I was here on this ‘pleasure cruise’ and my fiancée was taking a nap from the sheer effort of forcing himself to sleep with me.

I tried to ignore the smiling waiters standing outside a freshly laid out buffet on the beck below ours. I tried to claw onto the remnants of the good mood I had boarded with, but the more I walked on, the more my mood soured. I’d just stay out all night, that’s what. I’d stay out until I felt like a living human being again, till I was sure I at least had a pulse again.

I turned around and paced back again and fumed some more.

It wasn’t just about the sex, no matter what he said. He always tried to bring it down to that. To shut down everything because he honestly thought that I cared about him not getting it up once in a while as much as he did. It didn’t matter how many times I’d tell him that none of that bothered me at all, he still sulked. It was all so exhausting. I was exhausted.

And I was bored.

I reached into my handbag and pulled out a secret cigarette. Pleased it hadn’t been crushed on transit, I placed it on my lower lip and thought for a moment. Then I lit it, took a long, easy drag and blew the smoke out into the darkness. The agreement was that he would try to enjoy himself with me, just for once, and that he forget about work for a second, and just be with me. And in return I wouldn’t smoke or embarrass us both or get into one of my ‘moods’. Well, if he wasn’t going to honor his part of the deal, then why should I honor mine?

I took another drag.

Just as I was about to blow another band of smoke, something knocked me hard from behind and sent me staggering forward and bumping clumsy onto the railings. I watched as my cigarette flipped free of my fingers and went floating silently down into the darkness below.

Damn. I spun to see a wincing face peeking off the railings with me.

“What the hell?” I shouted.

“Aw shit, I’m so sorry!” he said. He was a young guy, maybe just a few years younger than me, and he was standing in front of me, his hands outstretched in apology. He had closely cropped hair and was wearing dark jeans and a tight black shirt rolled up over his biceps. He was so tall I needed to lift my gaze form the center of his chest to look him square in the eye. He immediately went over to the railings and peered over with a look of horror on his face.

“Man overboard, huh?” he said.

He looked kind of rough. A little dangerous. Maybe even drunk. When he lifted his face to mine again, I could see that his eyes were an icy cold blue. Clean looking, even. The only part of him that looked clean, mind you.

“That was my last cigarette, you know,” I said drily, and folded my arms across my chest again. He turned around to look at me apologetically, but with that stupid smile still playing on his lips. He put his hand to his heart.

“Honest mistake ma’am, really, I’m sorry. I feel your loss.” Then he started patting down his pockets but flashed me another sheepish smile. “Seems I’ve left my own back inside. Can I fetch you another? Will you just… OK, you wait here and I’ll go back in and get you another cigarette and then we’ll be even, OK?”

I found it hard to share his excitement. He took one look at my grumpy face, licked his lower lip and smiled as though he had come up with the most amazing plan ever.

“OK, OK, fine, two cigarettes, but that’s my final offer,” he said and grinned.

Yup, definitely drunk.

I waved him off.

“It’s OK, really. I need to quit smoking anyway. It’s a filthy habit.”

His eyes twinkled.

“Well, of course it is, aren’t all the best habits?”

I couldn’t help but laugh. He smiled. He was clearly a brute, a big stupid bro, already tipsy so early in the evening …but he was kind of good looking.

“Look, you can quit anytime, right? Quit later. You’re basically owed one cigarette anyway, so quit after one more. Makes sense. In fact, it’ll be my honor to know that the last cigarette you had on this earth was mine.”

He had his hand on his heart again. He was the kind of guy you bump into on the dance floor in a club. The guy wearing too much cologne, talking too loudly, and dancing too close. But he was cute. A little sketchy, but cute.

“Last two, you mean,” I said with a shy smile.

“Two, yeah, absolutely,” he said and returned the smile.

“OK, fine.”

There was something contagious about his smile, which was irritating since I had already decided that Anthony had ruined my whole evening.

“OK! You wait here, don’t go anywhere. Look, I’ll leave my ice bucket with you as a guarantee.”

“Your…?”

“My ice bucket,” he said and suddenly brandished a small steel cup of ice cubes at me. I hadn’t noticed when he set it behind him after he bumped into me. He thrust it into my hands with mock seriousness and I took it.

“But …why …let me just come with you?” I said, and handed the bucket back to him.

He grinned.

“Older ladies are always so forward, I love it,” he said and did that thing with his lips again.

I scoffed.

“Older lady?”

He looked chastised.

“It’s only …aw shit, I said a stupid thing, didn’t I? It’s a party, I don’t think you’d …let’s just say it’s not the place for, uh, for nice women like you,” he said, grin still plastered all over his face.

Though I was trying as hard as I could, it seemed hard to really get mad at him. At worst, he was just some kind of idiot. A hot idiot, but still. I know that I had left my party days behind me. And I know I was about to throw my life away marrying a man who asked me if there was any history of genetic diseases in my family on the second date. But god, was I already in ‘older lady’ territory? He had to be joking. I was 25.

“Well, older ladies like me have seen everything, so don’t worry, I’ll pretend not to be too shocked,” I said, rolled my eyes and turned to walk in the direction he had been running. Would he ever stop smiling? He seemed to hesitate to put his hand on my arm and stop me.

“No, I mean, I’m serious, you can’t come with me,” he said.

I lifted my eyebrows at him. He looked like the naughty, freckled kid at the back of every classroom who pulls on the girls’ pigtails and never does his homework. Except with muscles. And …an ice bucket? So what if I was dead curious about this ‘party’? So what if I was technically here with my fiancée, and that salsa was starting in a few minutes? He was just a guy. And it was just two cigarettes.

He thrust his hand out at me.

“Todd,” he said. “Todd McGregor. Navy SEAL.”

“You’re a Navy SEAL?” I asked, stunned. He was laughing.

“Well …kind of. Almost. I mean, not really. I’m a trainee. We’re actually just on our way to our buds training in Coronado, when we get to California.”

“Buds?”

“Yeah, BUDS. Stands for Basic Underwater Demolition Seal training,” he said, chest puffed.

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“And a bunch of you are going? You’re having a party?”

He looked coy, but at least we were walking again. I hadn’t semi-flirted with anyone like this in a very, very long time. It felt …strange.

“Yeah, a bunch of us, you could say that. We’re done with the prep school and now it’s the big leagues. Twenty-four weeks of pure hell and if I’m one of the lucky few, I’ll survive and get to do it all over again for my troop training,” he said and smiled warmly.

I had to admit, being a SEAL trainee bumped him up a little in my esteem. Suddenly, the sketchy brush cut hair looked a little less Nazi and a little more clean cut military man.

“So, they’ll be training you to …fight and stuff? Are you going to be running around in combat boots and like, doing obstacle courses?” I said and laughed. I realized too late that I sounded way, way meaner than I intended. He thought for a moment and then smiled easily at me all the same.

“Well honestly, me? Going on my track record? I’ll probably be hiding out and crying in the bathrooms.”

“No way! You look pretty tough to me. I bet you could do all kinds of impressive things.” Here he stopped walking, took a good look at me, gave me a mischievous smile and then carried on.

“Well, the spirit’s willing, but the flesh, you know…” he said and gave me a wink. Butterflies kicked a little in my stomach. Yup. There was absolutely no mistaking that. He was definitely, positively, one hundred percent coming on to me. I could feel blood rush to my face as we approached a large door, behind which some dull, thumping music emanated.

“This is it? Your big secret party?”

The ice cubes rattles in the cup as he held it against his chest and nodded.

“You gonna invite me in or what?”

He looked embarrassed, and rubbed the back of his neck, unable to make eye contact.

“Well …see …hey, I didn’t get your name.”

“It’s Ellie.”

“Just Ellie?”

“Yeah just Ellie. Ellie King.”

“Ok, well, Miss Ellie King, as you can see, notwithstanding the incident with your, uh, your cigarette, you can clearly see that I’m an upstanding civilian and a gentleman, however…” I was giggling at the ridiculous voice he had on, and the way he closed his eyes to enunciate. Oh, he was drunk all right. Maybe even a little more than drunk. “However I can’t claim the same for my comrades who are, shall I say, feeling a little enthusiastic this evening…”

His icy blue eyes glinted in the darkness as the sounds of the cruise ship started to come alive all around us. Night had fallen and the chill in the air had settled.

“Well, fair is fair, buddy. If you make me wait any longer for my two cigarettes, I might just decide to make it three.”

He held his hand over his mouth and pretended to be shocked.

“Miss, you do drive a hard bargain.”

“Oh come on, let me in. I’m on vacation, I needed that cigarette, and you owe me a smoke break, fair and square.”

He thought for a while, bit down on his fist and nodded solemnly.

“Can’t argue with that” he said and put his hand on the door handle and paused. All at once, raucous cheers erupted from behind the door followed by peals of male laughter. Intriguing. He waited and tried not to smile as he gave me a stern look, unable to bring himself to open the door.

“I’m warning you …this is not going to be pretty.”

I laughed and reached for the door, and flung it open myself. It didn’t escape my attention that I brushed against him as I walked inside, curious to see just how raucous a party could be that an old hag like myself shouldn’t be allowed to even see it.

It was like those scenes in old Westerns where someone busts open the saloon doors, the honkey tonk stops playing and everyone swivels on their seats to give the newcomer the beady eye. It seemed to be a large, private conference room, done in the same style as all the rooms onboard but roomier, with all the chairs pushed far to the edges of the walls and the lights dimmed. About a dozen tall men, all shirtless, stopped to watch as I entered. The smell of alcohol was thick on the air, and I swear, I could almost smell them, too. I quickly turned to look behind me, and there was Todd, awkward smile still on his face and his hand still on the door.

“Hey, assholes,” he said, and shut the door, sending in a waft of fresh air that cut through the smoke cloud inside. “This is my friend Ellie. Don’t eat her, OK? She just needs some smokes.”

The music was turned back up and I took a few steps toward the crowd, which now parted a little to give me a glimpse of one of them bent over the table, pants pulled down, ass in the air, beer still in his hand. I couldn’t help smiling at the absurdity of the situation.

“For Christ sake, Adam, get up,” one of them laughed and kicked his foot. None of them were in any kind of uniform, but they were still all of a type: all tall, all broadly built over the chest and shoulders, with the same closely cropped haircuts as Todd. The oblivious one bent over the table twisted around to see what the fuss was. A cigarette clung to his lower lip and he took a moment to register my presence, then he quickly staggered to his feet and yanked up his trousers again, giving me a full view of his naked body and everyone else in the room a good laugh. A guy, dark haired and heavier set, was standing over him with something curious in his hand.

“What are you…?” I asked.

They all looked like a bunch of school boys busted lighting shoplifted firecrackers behind the bicycle sheds. The entire room buzzed with a kind of good-natured merriment, only the presence of so much exposed skin gave the whole thing a dangerous air, like I had stepped in just as the party was about to get out of hand. The stocky guy held up a glowing piece of metal and showed it carefully to me. I joined the group and had a closer look. It seemed to be a series of artfully bent and knotted paper clips, twisted around to crudely form a wonky anchor shape, with a little tale for a handle, which he held between his forefinger and thumb. The metal was glowing a menacing orange.

“This? Oh this is nothing. Just that it’s Adam’s turn to pledge allegiance to our squad. If he can stop flapping his dick at the guests for a second,” he said and waved the twisted metal around a little. The room was filled with indistinct laughing and cheering.

Jesus. It was only just gone sundown and I was pretty sure these people had been drinking for hours.

“Care to do the honors? Miss …what did you say your name was?” the stocky guy said, and handed me the glowing metal.

“It’s Ellie.”

“Well, Ellie, Adam here would just about cream his pants if a pretty girl like you were the one to do it, so go on, he’d love you forever, and I sure as hell am tired of looking at his hairy ass,” he said and laughed loudly, then gave Adam a playful slap on the rump. Everyone joined him in roaring with laughter, then Adam bashfully bend forward again into the same position, naked ass turned upwards, cigarette still miraculously clinging to his lower lip.

Everyone cheered.

Now I understood. It was a brand. I looked down at the twisted metal in my hand, unsure of whether to laugh or wince in horror. I saw a few dribbling candles perched on the table in front of me. The dozens of empty beer bottles strewn everywhere. It was some sort of hazing. Some drunken bonding ritual. This was the kind of thing you saw on the news, when kids died doing some dumb shit in a fraternity and then everyone wrung their hands at the state of the youth. The metal still felt hot in my hand. Everyone was watching for my reaction. I looked down at the pasty butt cheeks of the drunk boy in front of me. Approximately ten minutes ago I had felt trapped in the stuffy waiting room called ‘being engaged’ and now it was like I had stumbled in on another world. It was awful. And kind of gross. And really, really immature.

Then why did it suddenly feel like my vacation was finally getting started?

I smiled, handed the thing back and shrugged.

“No thanks. Anyway, I think it’s gone cold.”

“Aw, Ellie girl, no! And I was all strapped in and ready to go! Don’t leave me hanging,” said Adam, and flashed me the brightest, naughtiest smile. It wasn’t my imagination. They really were all hot.

“Bend over buddy, I’m going in,” said the stocky guy again and hovered metal over bare skin.

“Aw, fuck, Tom, I swear to god I’m gonna beat your ass if you dawdle with it. Just put it on and take it off again, don’t draw it out, don’t fucking linger…”

The crowd erupted into shouts and jaunts.

“This is going to hurt you more than it’ll hurt me,” the stocky guy said. The definition on his abs was truly astonishing. He was baby faced from the neck up, and vaguely human shaped tree stump from the neck down.

“Pipe down, or I’m just using the candle as is,” said the first guy, who got to work again passing the metal over the flame till it glowed orange again. I felt a hand touch the small of my spine, and turned to see Todd. He gestured his head to the side and I followed him to the back of the room, where he crouched down and rummaged in his jacket till he had found a box of cigarettes.

“Let’s get out of here before they get any more ideas, huh?” he said and gave me a saucy wink. While the crowd knotted around the spectacle, Todd and I slunk out again, leaving the bucket of ice on the table and quietly closing the door behind us. My back against the closed door, I took a deep breath of fresh outside air and found myself laughing.

“What the hell is going on in there?” I asked, still giggling, when I noticed for the first time that we were holding hands. I quickly yanked free and stopped laughing.

“Let’s go for a walk before they realize we’re gone,” he said.

Seemed like a good idea.

We walked off quickly down the corridor and back to the stern, and with swift fingers he pulled out a cigarette, lit it with a match, flicked the burnt match away and then gently handed me the cigarette. It wasn’t the kind of chivalry I was used to, but it thrilled me all the same. I took it and we walked on briskly.

“Very brave of you, running away before your friends could mutilate your butt cheeks,” I said, still laughing under my breath. It had been a long time since I had been in a party that wild, and all at once I realized that even though I hadn’t thought of it for years, I missed that kind of thing. The camaraderie. The energy.

“Before?” he said and widened his eyes. I looked at him and laughed.

“Oh my god. No way. They already…?”

He made a hilarious puppy dog face and pouted his lower lip out. I squealed with laughter.

“No! They already marked you! That’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard,” I said, but I couldn’t stop laughing at the face he was making.

“Sadly so,” he said, and I had trouble tearing my gaze away from how twinkly his eyes seemed out here in the open air of the deck.

“On your …on your butt?” I asked and took another drag.

He said nothing.

“Oh my god, you’re actually blushing!” I said and poked his ribs.

“Shut up. No I’m not. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

We reached the end of the ship and came to rest at the railings again.

“Come on, show me.”

He snapped his neck so quickly to look at me I thought he’d give himself whiplash.

“Haven’t you seen enough bare butt for today…?” he said and took a drag, then flicked the stump over the edge and into the water.

“I want to see. I’ll trade you a cigarette.”

“You don’t have any!”

“Yeah, but you still owe me one, so...”

“He was laughing hard now. A good-natured, easy laugh that did strange things to the pit of my stomach. This guy was clearly a charmer. I bet he was the kind of guy that bedded a new woman every night. And yet, I was finding it hard to resist laughing along with him.

Then I saw him. A few yards ahead, walking in the crowd in the opposite direction: Anthony. He was dressed. Looking for me.

Shit.

I took one last hurried puff, tossed the cigarette overboard and gave Todd a nervous smile.

“Hey, um, I have to go,” I said, nervously noticing that Anthony hadn’t spotted me yet.

“Go? But what about my enthralling butt cheeks?”

I playfully slapped his arm. “I’m serious. I have a salsa class to go to. I’ll um …I’ll see you around,” I said and gestured to the ship. He looked a little hurt but nodded, his smile fading somewhat.

I ran up to Anthony and his face lit up a little when he saw me. Mercifully, he seemed not to have noticed whom I was talking to.

“You came after all,” I said. I hadn’t put in nearly enough enthusiasm into that line, and it came across as the admonishment it was. But he nodded anyway and kissed me.

“Ellie, have you been…?”

I frowned.

“Just one, god, yes. But I was desperate. It was just one.”

His expression was so harsh I recoiled from it.

“Look, Anthony, if we’re getting snippy with each other, let’s talk about all the whiskey you put away before we came out here.”

He looked stunned. It was a low blow, I admit. But it was also true.

We walked on in silence to the room where the salsa class would be held.

I was the one with the filthy habit, you see, and he was the one who was under stress and needing relaxation. I was undisciplined. Untidy. Forgetful and immature. He was just a grown man enjoying his superior taste in fine spirits. It felt like a constant effort to remind myself that he had flaws too, that despite what he said, I wasn’t so bad. And unlike smoking, Anthony’s drinking hurt more than just him. I tried not to think about all that now. We were on vacation. He wouldn’t do anything, not with the walls as thin as they were and not with people to see any black eyes in the morning…

And so that was my evening. Anthony actually decided to come out and live a little just like I had wanted. Too bad the thing I felt like I wanted suddenly seemed like the worst thing in the whole world.