Chapter Nine

 

Kendra

 

I’d been in Nigeria six months already. Some days flew by and other dragged on forever. We had a common Internet account at the orphanage, and we’d each been assigned an email for the duration of our stay. It wasn’t high speed because of our remote location, and it took forever to send sometimes, but it was my only connection to home and I was grateful for it.

It meant that I could at least tell Drake that I loved him and know he was thinking of me too.

One of the other teachers, a pretty German girl in her mid-twenties who’d been educated in the States, walked into the large shared office and plopped down next to me.

“What are you doing? Emailing your boyfriend?”

I stared at the blank screen, wondering what I could say that I hadn’t already said. He knew I was getting along just fine. The people were nice. The children made me laugh every day and their hugs almost made being away from home tolerable. The village was quiet with a lot of hardworking people who were just trying to survive. They weren’t immune to crime in this village, but we hadn’t heard of any frightening incidents since I’d arrived, so I was grateful for that.

“I was thinking about it,” I said, slipping a pen through my fingers. “How’s your cold? Better?”

“Yes,” she said, rolling her eyes as she tightened her blond ponytail. “Thank God. I swear I thought I’d never get over it.”

Medical attention was one of the many things we took for granted back home. Not to mention hot showers and food, clean clothes, and school supplies. The list went on, but I got depressed if I dwelled on it so I tried not to.

“So we’re halfway there, huh?” Else smiled. “Did you think you’d make it this far?”

Once I stepped foot on that plane, I knew there was no turning back, but it was a constant internal struggle leading up to that. “I hoped I would. How about you?”

She nodded. “Yeah, when I set my mind to something I can be pretty stubborn. This was one of those bucket list items, you know? Something I just had to do.”

“I can relate,” I said, shaking my head.

“My fiancé dumped me. Did I tell you that?” She was biting her short nail, tugging at the surrounding skin with her teeth.

My jaw dropped before I quickly recovered. “No! I’m so sorry.”

We’d bonded our first few days here over the men we’d left behind. I told her all about Drake and she told me about Dale, the man she’d been dating for four years before they got engaged last year. He’d just returned from a mission in Kenya where he was part of a group building a school, so he understood her need to be so far from home.

“What happened?” Before she could respond, I added, “If you don’t want to talk about it, I understand.”

She smiled as she folded her arms over her slim body. “You’re one of the few people I can talk to here, Kendra.” She shrugged. “He met someone else. I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised. We’ve been apart more than we’ve been together the past couple of years. It was bound to take a toll on our relationship eventually.”

It made me think of my time with Drake. Ten days. That’s all we’d had before I packed up and walked out of his life again. Was he moving on without me too? I told him he could, that I would understand, but I knew now that was a lie. I’d be devastated if I went home to find my time here had cost me the only man I’d ever loved.

“Was there any sign?” I asked, wondering if I should start reading between the lines of Drake’s emails. Not that there was much to read. He typically sent a couple of lines just to tell me he was busy with work, glad to hear I was doing okay, and that he missed and loved me. But did he really, or was he too much of a gentleman to break my heart via email? Was he waiting until I got home to let me down gently?

“I suppose there was,” she said, sighing as she propped her feet up on an empty chair parked under an adjoining desk. “It hasn’t been easy to connect, but even when we did it was brief, like he didn’t have much to say to me anymore.”

Ugh. I could relate. I knew hearing Else’s story was only making me more paranoid about my relationship with Drake. I should just head back to my little room and journal. That always made me feel better. I poured my heart out in the pages of that book, reminding myself of all the reasons I was on this mission, and the things I had to look forward to when I returned home.

But everything that I was looking forward to revolved around Drake and the promises we’d made to each other. What if he didn’t feel the same way anymore? What if, like Dale, he’d found someone else and was just waiting until I returned to break the news to me? Sure, he said he loved and missed me, but maybe he loved and missed me as a friend, not as the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

I shut the computer down with a heavy sigh. “I think I’ll turn in now.”

“You okay?” Else asked. “I didn’t bring you down with my bad news, did I?”

I gave her a quick, impulsive hug. “For the record, I think you’re incredibly brave. If I were in your shoes, I would have fallen apart by now.”

“Nonsense, Kendra.” Her smile was sad. “No matter how much we might want to, we can’t make someone love us.”

 

***

 

Drake

 

I was staring at my screensaver, my mind wandering, when Toni walked into my office.

“Hey, boss,” she said, leaning against the doorframe. “I was just going out to grab a bite. You want me to bring anything back for you?”

I didn’t have much of an appetite, but I forced myself to eat most days. The countdown was on. Only eighty-nine more days ‘til Kendra came home. But would she be the same girl who’d left me? We’d made a lot of promises to each other, but would she love me as much now as she had then?

“I’m okay, thanks.”

She sighed as she stepped farther into my office. Glancing at the image of Kendra filling my computer screen, she said, “Come on, Drake. You have to eat. I know you miss her, but you want to be healthy and strong when she comes back to you, don’t you?”

Toni and I had developed a strong friendship when she started dating one of the other mechanics in my shop. She’d started looking out for me, in a totally platonic way, when she realized I was barely hanging on after Kendra left.

“I wonder if she is coming back to me,” I said, staring at her image.

In the photo, she was sitting on a swing in the park, her wild blond curls blowing in the breeze as her dimples etched marks of joy on her beautiful face. Her blue eyes were sparkling and she was so full of life. But would she come back the same person she’d been when she left? Or would she have seen and experienced things over there that would change her irreparably?

“Of course she’s coming back to you,” she said, sitting on the edge of the chair across the desk from me. “I ran into Lindy at the coffee shop the other day, and we got to talking. She said that Kendra mentions you in every one of her emails. She can’t wait to get home to you.”

That made me feel a little better, but I was still scared. A year was a long time to be apart. Especially since we’d been living completely different lives during that time. “I want to buy her a ring, but I’m not sure I should.”

“You mean an engagement ring?”

“Yeah.”

Her eyes lit up. “You totally should! I can even help you pick it out if you want? Or maybe you should ask Lindy. She probably knows Kendra’s taste better than I do.”

“I’m scared,” I admitted. “What if she says no?”

She snorted. “Honey, she’d have to be crazy to say no to you. Do you even own a mirror?”

I appreciated her attempt to make me feel better, but I knew my looks weren’t the reason Kendra loved me. Problem was, I couldn’t list all the reasons she did. Listing the reasons I loved her was easy. She was smart and sexy, funny and sweet. She had a huge heart and was always the first one to volunteer to help someone in need. I wasn’t any of those things. Okay, so maybe I’d been known to crack the occasional joke and a few women have called me sexy over the years, but my attributes paled in comparison to hers.

“She’s had a lot of time to think over there. What if she’s decided she wants someone more like her?” For all I knew, she could have met some do-gooder who’d made her fall in love with him by inches, over a shared meal of plantains and stew, while they talked about all the ways the experience had enriched their lives.

“Personally, I think Kendra loves you because you’re nothing like her.”

“What do you mean by that?” I asked, frowning as I tore my gaze away from my monitor.

“Think about it. Could you see yourself falling for some tough-talking biker bitch with tattoos who drinks beer and shoots pool?” She laughed. “No. You’d never go for someone like that. You like girls who are soft and sweet, like Kendra. The kind of woman who’d give you beautiful babies and help you tuck them in at night. Who’d share a meal with you at the end of a long day and warm your bed at night.”

I grabbed my head. “If you think you’re helping, you’re not. You’re only making me miss her more.”

“Take it from me, Drake. Girls like Kendra, or me, want someone who’s tough. Who can take care of them, whether she’d ever admit that or not. She wants a guy who knows what he wants and is sure he wants her. Some might call you a domineering pain in the ass, which you are,” she said, winking. “But don’t think for a second that doesn’t turn her on.”

“You really think so, huh?” I was desperate to believe that, but at this point I thought Toni might say or do anything to get me through the next few months.

“I know so. If you’re imagining her over there, falling for some soft, sensitive type who’s a ‘good listener,’” she said, making air quotes around the words. “You don’t have to worry, because that’s not the kind of man she wants.”

“How do you know that?” It’s not like Toni and Kendra were old friends. Sure, they knew each other, but Kendra was convinced Toni had a thing for me, so she’d never gone out of her way to be nice to her.

“Just think about the things she loves most about you,” she said, running her tongue over her teeth. “I bet she loves it when you pin her up against the wall and take her hard and fast. Or when you talk dirty to her and—”

“I am not discussing my sex life with you, Toni.” Kendra would never forgive me if I did.

“You don’t have to. I already know I’m right.” She fanned her face. “After all that, I think I’m going to see if Paul can take a quick lunch break.”

I couldn’t help but smirk. The lucky bastard. I was surprised I didn’t have carpal tunnel after the past nine months.

“Hey, you,” Lindy said, popping her head in my office door. “You got a minute?”

I saw Kendra’s best friend around town from time to time, but the fact that she’d sought me out made me nervous. Had Kendra asked her to pass a message on to me, something she didn’t want to break to me in an impersonal email?

I watched while Lindy and Toni said their good-byes before I waved her in. “Get in here. Close the door.”

She looked nervous as she sat down across from me, fidgeting with her purse strap instead of looking me in the eye.

“What the hell’s going on, Lindy? And don’t say nothing. I can tell you’re on edge.”

“Have you talked to Kendra lately?”

Talked to her? I wish. The sound of her sultry voice might help put my mind at ease, but since she only had access to a landline reserved for emergencies at the orphanage, I had no way to contact her, except for the emails we exchanged a few times a week.

“No, have you?”

She shook her head. “Just the emails. But the last few months she seemed kind of different. Have you noticed it too?”

Her emails had maintained the same tone since she started sending them days after she arrived. She’d tell me a bit about her students and the people she worked with. If she had an interesting interaction with one of the villagers, I’d hear about it. She’d always sign off by telling me she missed me and she loved me, and those were the words I’d read and reread as I tried to convince myself we were going to be okay.

“No. Why?”

“She seems kind of down to me, not her usual upbeat self. You know Kendra. She’s always going on about how amazing it is to work with the kids or how lucky she feels to be having that experience, but I haven’t heard her say that lately.”

“Huh.” I couldn’t recall exactly what her last email said. I only knew if she hadn’t told me she loved and missed me, that would have been a serious red flag. “And you think that means trouble?”

“Not just that,” she said, seeming hesitant. “She, uh, asked me about you too.”

“What about me?” I asked, leaning forward, bracing my forearms on the desk.

“She asked if my sister had seen you in the bar lately.”

Shit. I didn’t like where this was going. “And what did you tell her?”

“I told her the truth… that you’re in there a lot.”

“Why the hell did you tell her that?” I asked, throwing my hands up in the air. The last thing I needed was for her to think I was tying one on every night, while she was over there trying to make the world a better place.

“Because it’s true,” she said, sounding defensive. “What do you expect me to do? Lie to my best friend?”

“I expect you to use your head,” I said, scowling at her. “And not try to stir up shit while she’s six thousand miles away and I can’t fucking talk to her!” I slammed my hand down on the desk. “What the hell is wrong with you? Do you not want her to come back?”

“Of course I want her to come back,” she said, sitting up straighter. “But if you’re screwing around on her—”

“Are you crazy? I’m not screwing around on her! Is that what you told her?” My heart was beating too hard, too fast, but I couldn’t seem to slow it down, not when I thought of her over there all alone, thinking I’d somehow betrayed her.

“No, I didn’t tell her that. Quit yelling at me!”

I forced myself to take a few deep breaths and said calmly, “Fine. Tell me what you said.”

“I just told her that you were spending a lot of time at the bar.”

“Yeah, because the alternative is to go home and try to fall asleep in the fucking bed…” Where she last made love to me. It was crazy after so many months, but sometimes I could swear her scent still lingered on the pillows when I buried my face in them at night. “So yeah,” I said, trying to rein it in. “I go to the bar and have some drinks with my friends a few nights a week, but I sure as hell don’t pick up. I hope you told her that.”

“I told her my sister has never seen you leave with anyone.”

“I can’t believe she’s questioning my fidelity.” My hand was shaky when I ran it over my head. “I told her I wouldn’t screw around on her and I haven’t. I told her I’d wait for her and I have.”

“I believe you. I just had to be sure.”

“You came here on some goddamn fishing expedition?”

“Can you blame me? If it were Danny who was away, and his girlfriend was at the bar every night, wouldn’t you want to know that she wasn’t messing around on him?”

“I’m not there every night.” Just every other night. “And you can tell my girlfriend if she wants to know what I’ve been up to, she can ask me, not send you to do her dirty work!”

 

***

 

Kendra

 

I’d read Drake’s email a dozen times, but it didn’t hurt any less, no matter how many times I read it.

 

Kendra,

Sounds like you have some questions for me? You want to know why I’m at the bar every other night? I’ll tell you. Because I’m missing you so fucking much I can’t stand it.

We’ve been making small talk for months, pretending everything’s fine. Well, it’s not. It sucks. Every-fucking-thing sucks without you. I close my eyes and see your face. I hear your voice in the middle of the night, whispering my name, but I know it’s not possible. It’s a dream. Another miserable dream. I hate it. I hate that you’re not here with me. I hate myself for being so selfish. I hate that you’re not here, wearing my ring. Planning our wedding. I hate that I can’t come home at night and sink inside of you and escape all my problems for a while.

You want to know if I’m with someone else. That’s a joke, right? ‘Cause there’s no way in hell you can believe that. You dominate my thoughts every goddamn day, girl. There’s no room for anyone else. Not in my bed. In my head. In my heart. Or in my life. Just you.

I need you to believe that. But I can’t go on pretending everything’s fine when it’s not. Don’t email to tell me about your day or that you miss me. Don’t tell me you love me. I don’t want to hear that again until you can say it to my face.

Three months is a long time, but it’s not forever. I’ll still be here waiting… if you decide this is where you want to be. But don’t come back to me unless you can promise me forever this time.

Drake

 

He didn’t want to hear from me again. Not another word for three long months. I tried to reason with myself. It wasn’t that long. Ninety days. I’d already been here two hundred and seventy days and I’d survived. Surely I could survive less than a hundred more. But could I, knowing I wouldn’t have his emails to look forward to?

He may have only written a few lines in his earlier emails, but those words meant everything to me. They gave me hope. They reminded me that I had something amazing to look forward to when I got home. Now, I wasn’t so sure. Three months without contact, without regular reminders that I loved and missed him, may be the beginning of the end of us. Just like last time when I was away at school. Out of sight. Out of mind.

“Hey, you okay?” Else asked, sitting down across from me. “You’re so pale. You feeling okay?”

“My boyfriend…” My voice was shaky, my lip trembling. “He just, uh, told me he doesn’t want to hear from me again while I’m here.”

“What?” Her brows furrowed. “He broke up with you? But I thought you guys were so solid.”

“He didn’t break up with me,” I said, shaking my head slowly. “At least I don’t think he did. He said he’d wait for me, but he just doesn’t want to hear from me again. Until I get back.”

“Did he say why?”

“He’s getting sick of the small talk.” I knew that didn’t begin to sum up the things he’d said in his email, but I couldn’t make someone else, who didn’t know Drake, understand. “He doesn’t want me to tell him I love him again, until I can say it face-to-face.”

“Wow. That’ll be rough.” She smiled, reaching over to touch my knee. “But you’ll get through it, hon. You’re one of the most upbeat people I’ve ever met. You won’t let anything get you down.”

She was wrong. The thought of losing Drake again, for good this time, was enough to bring me down. Lower than I’d ever been.