I called her when I was five minutes from her house.
“Hello?”
“It’s me. I’m just getting here. Can I come over?”
She sighed. “I guess so.”
“Are you feeling OK?” Fear gutted me, and I realized I’d better get used to that feeling. I’d be worried about her all the time now.
“I’m fine. Just tired.”
“Can I bring you anything? Are you hungry? Thirsty?”
“No, thank you.”
“OK, I’ll be there in five.”
We hung up, and I pressed my lips together, going over in my mind what I wanted to say. You’d think as a writer I’d have a good enough command of my vocabulary to string something solid and convincing together, but every time I thought about Natalie being pregnant with my baby, my brain went to mush. What did she want to hear? Would she believe me if I told her I loved her? Would she take me seriously when I told her I wanted her to have this child? That I’d do anything to help her? That I’d never let her be alone?
When I pulled up in her driveway, I still had no clear strategy.
My heart thumped hard as I knocked on her door. Fuck, I’d showered today, right? But had I put real pants on? Was my shirt clean? I looked down at myself. OK, the jeans were fine, and the light blue t-shirt appeared to be in decent shape, although I wished I’d have put a nicer one on.
She opened the door, and I couldn’t breathe. That feeling struck me again—that surge of longing to do everything at once. Hold her, kiss her, touch her, tell her everything, wrap her up in my arms and keep her there until she believed how much I loved her, how much I needed her, how hard I’d work to deserve her.
“Hi,” she said, her expression neutral. “Come on in.”
I followed her through the kitchen to her family room, noting not only the nice furniture but the books on the coffee table, the pictures on the walls, the healthy-looking plants in the corner. Damn, a white couch. Grownups had things like white couches and managed not to ruin them, didn’t they? I’d have already spilled salsa, dripped pizza sauce, and dumped beer on it. I sat down on it cautiously.
Natalie stared at me like I was nuts. “It’s a couch. It’s not going to bite you.”
“I know. It’s just so nice.”
She flopped down on the other end, not touching me, her legs tucked beneath her. “Thanks.”
“How are you feeling?” I sat forward and focused intently on her, eager to show her I could be less selfish than I’d been in the past.
“Fine, thanks.”
I stared at her, unnerved by her cool demeanor but also by her beauty. She wore no makeup and her hair drifted around her face in its usual unfussy waves, but her skin was smooth and radiant, her blue eyes wide and clear, her mouth full and soft. She was so alluring, I had to move closer and put a hand on her knee. I felt my dick jump in my pants and begged it not to bother me right now.
“Natalie, I’m sorry about earlier. I should have reacted better.”
“It’s OK.” She shrugged. “I know you were stunned. I certainly was.”
“Have you told your parents yet?”
She shook her head. “Just my sisters. I’ll tell them soon. After I decide what to do. But Miles…” She hesitated, playing with the hem of her loose black top. “I’m going to have the baby. I don’t know if I’ll give it up for adoption yet or not, but I’ve decided against the other alternative.”
I nodded, totally relieved. “I fully support you. And I’ll go with you when you tell your parents. You are not alone, Natalie. I’m going to do the right thing.”
Silence. “The right thing?”
I knew right away it wasn’t what she’d wanted to hear. But why not? Didn’t that prove I was a good guy? Someone worthy of her and the baby? I tried again. “Yes. I want to be here for you.”
She shook her head. “You can’t, Miles. You’re moving, remember?”
“Um. About that.” I rubbed a hand over my jaw. Crap, I should have shaved too. This was all so rushed! “I made that up, Natalie. I’m not really moving to San Francisco.”
“What? Why would you make that up?” Her eyes clouded with confusion.
“Because I was scared. I realized I had feelings for you that I’d never had for anyone before, and I panicked. I couldn’t tell you because you’d just broken up with Dan, and I knew you were just hanging out with me for fun.”
“Because that’s all you do,” she snapped. “You’ve told me repeatedly. Your life is about fun, not feelings.”
I held up my hands. ”Fair enough. I know I have said that in the past. But Natalie. Things are different now.” I could feel the sweat under my clothes, and my pulse was racing. “I love you.”
Her eyes went wide. “What?”
“I love you.” Goosebumps were breaking out all over my body.
“No, you don’t. You love yourself. You love cartoons and porn. You love your life. You love women.”
“I love you, Natalie. I’ve always loved you. Deep down, you know that.” This was not the way I imagined things went when a guy told a girl he loved her for the first time. Wasn’t she supposed to be happy about this? Wasn’t there kissing involved?
But Natalie was shaking her head. “That night at the restaurant. You were such a jerk to me. And later you told me it was because you were scared that I had feelings for you. And you wanted to protect me.”
The back of my neck got even hotter. “I know. That was bullshit. I was only protecting myself.”
Her lips made a straight line. “And the next day. When you drove me home and we said goodbye. That was another chance to tell me the truth. But you didn’t—you stuck with the lie.”
“It was a mistake!” I put both hands on her knees. “I was scared, OK?”
Her eyes teared up. “Too many games, Miles. And what were you afraid of? Did you think I didn’t feel the same?”
“I knew you didn’t. You told me you wanted space. Time to yourself. Time to process the end of your relationship. For all I knew, you were still in love with Dan.”
“I hadn’t been in love with Dan for a long time. I wouldn’t have slept with you if I had been.”
“It wasn’t only that. I was also scared I wouldn’t be able to make you happy even if you did feel the same way.”
“Because you don’t want a monogamous relationship. You don’t ever want to get married or have a family.”
“But that was before I knew you were pregnant. Now I want to do the right thing. I want you. I want the baby. We could get married.”
She shook her head, her eyes tearing up. “You’re a good guy, Miles, and I appreciate that you came all the way up here tonight, but I don’t think you know what you’re saying, and I don’t want you to make promises you can’t keep.”
“Natalie.” I got to my knees in front of her. “Maybe I’m saying this all wrong. I’m not good at this stuff. But please give me a chance.”
“A chance at what? Being a family? How? You making a living writing about sex and the single guy. How does a family figure into that?”
“I don’t know,” I admitted.
“And you hate being tied to one spot.”
“But I’d try it for you. For the baby.”
“You’d try it. Oh, God.” She put her face in her hands, and when she picked up her head, tears were dripping from her eyes. “Look, Miles. A family is not something you can sample and send back like a bottle of wine. It’s a permanent commitment. You don’t do those.”
“I haven’t in the past,” I admitted. “But I want to start. I can change, Natalie.”
She hesitated. “I want to believe you. I want to think that we could be happy together.”
My chest felt strapped tight. “But you don’t love me?”
She took my face in her hands. “Of course I love you. You know I do.”
Relief coursed through me, but it was tempered with fear too. She was still holding back—or else she didn’t feel what I felt, which was even worse. “But you’re not in love with me. Not the way I am with you.”
“I’m scared to love you like that, Miles. I’m scared because you’ve always been there, always been this amazing what if in the back of my mind, ever since that night we almost kissed. But you told me yourself you weren’t capable of loving someone completely and forever. You weren’t capable of the sacrifices it would entail. And I want that.”
“You deserve it.” I kissed the palm of her hand. “Tell me what to do to prove to you I can be the man you want.”
She pulled her hand away and wiped her eyes. “I can’t tell you that. I don’t know. I just know that it’s not enough to hear you say you want to do the right thing. I’m sorry.”
• • •
She let me hug her goodbye, and I held her for a long time. I’d stopped talking, because clearly I wasn’t saying the right things. And why would I? I’d never talked this way to anyone in my entire life. I didn’t pay attention to those scenes in movies, I didn’t read those kinds of books, and people in porn and cartoons don’t really talk about the future. I’d thought saying I wanted to do the right thing would indicate to her that I was ready to grow up and be the kind of person she wanted, but I’d been wrong.
But I wouldn’t give up. As I embraced her by the front door, I vowed to try harder. I thought about the little life we’d created, a life that she was protecting inside her body, and I wrapped my arms around them both.
Suddenly my chest hollowed out like it was cleaving in half. It was similar to the feeling I had when I realized I was in love with Natalie, and yet different. Just as compelling, just as shocking, just as relentless, but more ferocious, more possessive, more instinctive. It came from a place inside me that hadn’t existed until this very moment, an empty space that was rapidly filling with the most powerful emotion I’d ever experienced.
Somehow I knew it was the beginnings of the fierce, protective love of a father for his child.
I don’t know how I knew, but I did.
I held her closer.
Mine. This was mine, and I wouldn’t let it go.
Somehow I’d find a way to prove it to her.